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Re: Did I Overreact?

63K views 244 replies 53 participants last post by  WyshIknew 
#1 ·
Did I Overreact?

My wife and I have been married for 23 years this past winter, and two kids. I have been in an ongoing argument with my wife over her relationship with her boss. I began to feel that their relationship was becoming inappropriate last year (15 months ago). They take many business trips together each of the last two years. They were talking to each other constantly via work Blackberry, and work laptops, and personal laptops (e-mail). I even mentioned to her that this seemed to be a little too much. Then one day last summer after we spent a day together I felt uneasy about the way she was acting, for instance having me take a picture of her while we were visiting a winery (something she would almost never do). That night after she went to bed I did the unthinkable, I looked at her personal e-mail. I was so convinced that their might be something going on I couldn’t resist the temptation to look. Then I saw it. While we were watching a move together that night she had emailed him pictures form our winery outing that day. The subject line said “Pics – you can’t share :)”. In the message she wrote about the dress she wore that day and mentioned that it made her look like she had assets that she didn’t really have. Her boss responded back by saying something like this “my goodness...the twins were acting a bit rambunctious today and showing off. You should have a talk with them about behaving responsibly. ;-) Then they went back and forth about how she was blushing then.

I was absolutely horrified when I saw this. I went to see a counselor about it to make sure I wasn’t misreading it. The counselor advised that it might be best if I confronted my wife about this in a couple therapy sessions. I convinced my wife to go to couples therapy, and that’s when I told her about me seeing the e-mail. As you can imagine this went over like a lead balloon.

Fast forward: Now after not succeeding with two different couples therapist things are not changing. I feel like neither of us really opened up in the therapy sessions. She insists that he is just a friend, in fact her best friend. When I ask her if she loves him, she says as a friend.

Is it possible that I have been falsely accusing her of cheating? Could I have been overeating the last 15 months?

Things came to a head this past weekend after another business trip, which she failed to mention he would be on until after she got home. I told her that I thought it was time to separate our finances. To which she responded with the question of “is this a prelude to one of us moving out”.

Did I mess up? I never had physical proof that something was going on, but I do believe that their relationship has at least been an inappropriate emotional affair of some sort...
 
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#4 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Interesting choice of words. The reason we stopped seeing the first couple therapist was because the therapist told my wife that she was “stonewalling”. The therapist asked my wife if she knew what that meant, and that was it she charged out in a huff and we never went back to that therapist.
 
#6 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Interesting choice of words. The reason we stopped seeing the first couple therapist was because the therapist told my wife that she was “stonewalling”. The therapist asked my wife if she knew what that meant, and that was it she charged out in a huff and we never went back to that therapist.
JMO, but sounds like your wife has convinced herself that she isn't doing anything wrong. Lot's of people do that. They fool themselves into thinking that if there's no actual sex, then they aren't doing anything wrong.

Charging out in a huff? Well, to me, that means she knows exactly what she's doing...and that it's unacceptable.
 
#5 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Fixin,
To answer your post, you did not overreact. It is totally inappropriate for another man, especially her boss, talking to her about "the twins" and "her assets". These are conversations where the intimacy level has crossed the line of propriety.
Imagine if you had a female boss that you were in constant communication with and you sent her pictures of you, say, in bathing trunks and she responded back to you with comments about how your package looked like it had settled in nicely or some other awkward comment. How would your wife react to that? I'm guessing not very well. I also agree with Plan 9 that you should be her best friend. It sounds like this work place relationship has gone places that it shouldn't go and if she is not already having an affair with him, it will take nothing more than a strong breeze to push her into his arms.
Stand up, take charge and demand that this stop! I'm sure that the company's HR department would be very interested in hearing how this boss relates to his employees.
 
#8 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Zatol
I have already requested that she keep her relationship with him strictly professional, but she gets very upset at this because how do break off a relationship your best friend....
I have posed the question to her how would she have felt if I had acted this way with a female employee of mine when I was supervising, and she doesn’t like it when I try to portray the conversation that way. In a recent attempt to talk about this ongoing issue she told me “if it were you, you wouldn’t really know how you would react until it happened”. She frustrates me so much some times; I just do not know how to respond to these things.

It is difficult, we have 23 years together, and I still feel love and attraction toward her, but I believe I need to start protecting myself.

However its complicated by the fact that our youngest child is beginning their senior in high school, so I don’t want to be selfish...
 
#10 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Zatol
I have already requested that she keep her relationship with him strictly professional, but she gets very upset at this because how do break off a relationship your best friend....I have posed the question to her how would she have felt if I had acted this way with a female employee of mine when I was supervising, and she doesn’t like it when I try to portray the conversation that way. In a recent attempt to talk about this ongoing issue she told me “if it were you, you wouldn’t really know how you would react until it happened”. She frustrates me so much some times; I just do not know how to respond to these things.

It is difficult, we have 23 years together, and I still feel love and attraction toward her, but I believe I need to start protecting myself.

However its complicated by the fact that our youngest child is beginning their senior in high school, so I don’t want to be selfish...
Are you kidding me? Number one, she should not be placing her boss/best friend ahead of her marriage to you. Number two, you really shouldn't use your children as an excuse, here. I'm not saying divorce your wife, but you really have to lose this "there's nothing I can do" attitude. Go on over to CWI, find the Turtle, and talk to him (user name Almost Recovered).

Respectfully,

CG
 
#9 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

However its complicated by the fact that our youngest child is beginning their senior in high school, so I don’t want to be selfish...
This is MHO, but..


Marriage comes before children... unless it's life or death. Children leave and have their own lives at one point. Then all that's left is you and your wife and the relationship before they were there.

If she sees no wrong in what she's doing, she won't stop the behavior. She's rationalized it to herself that being emotionally attached to her boss is A-OK, when to any other rational thinking person, it isn't.
 
#15 · (Edited)
Re: Did I Overreact?

What if any kind of a relationship do you have with her boss?

I think you should let him know that you don't appreciate his references to "her girls".

Tell him you are remaining vigilent with respect to his interactions with your wife and would hold him responsible for anything improper that has happened or may happen between them.

Inform, don't threaten but make it clear that his position as her boss would become tenuous if their relationship was inappropriate.
 
#17 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Yes, I agree with the above, and sometimes, people need telling. They take advantage of their so called 'position' in your spouse's life...this dirtbag is probably just pushing to see how far he can get with her.

FYI. No man wants to be 'best friends' with a woman; he's trying to screw your wife...
 
#18 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

My wife and I have been married for 23 years this past winter, and two kids. I have been in an ongoing argument with my wife over her relationship with her boss. I began to feel that their relationship was becoming inappropriate last year (15 months ago). They take many business trips together each of the last two years. They were talking to each other constantly via work Blackberry, and work laptops, and personal laptops (e-mail). I even mentioned to her that this seemed to be a little too much. Then one day last summer after we spent a day together I felt uneasy about the way she was acting, for instance having me take a picture of her while we were visiting a winery (something she would almost never do). That night after she went to bed I did the unthinkable, I looked at her personal e-mail. I was so convinced that their might be something going on I couldn’t resist the temptation to look. Then I saw it. While we were watching a move together that night she had emailed him pictures form our winery outing that day. The subject line said “Pics – you can’t share :)”. In the message she wrote about the dress she wore that day and mentioned that it made her look like she had assets that she didn’t really have. Her boss responded back by saying something like this “my goodness...the twins were acting a bit rambunctious today and showing off. You should have a talk with them about behaving responsibly. ;-) Then they went back and forth about how she was blushing then.

I was absolutely horrified when I saw this. I went to see a counselor about it to make sure I wasn’t misreading it. The counselor advised that it might be best if I confronted my wife about this in a couple therapy sessions. I convinced my wife to go to couples therapy, and that’s when I told her about me seeing the e-mail. As you can imagine this went over like a lead balloon.

Fast forward: Now after not succeeding with two different couples therapist things are not changing. I feel like neither of us really opened up in the therapy sessions. She insists that he is just a friend, in fact her best friend. When I ask her if she loves him, she says as a friend.

Is it possible that I have been falsely accusing her of cheating? Could I have been overeating the last 15 months?

Things came to a head this past weekend after another business trip, which she failed to mention he would be on until after she got home. I told her that I thought it was time to separate our finances. To which she responded with the question of “is this a prelude to one of us moving out”.

Did I mess up? I never had physical proof that something was going on, but I do believe that their relationship has at least been an inappropriate emotional affair of some sort...
You consider looking at her email, "the unthinkable?" I'm really getting disgusted with all the new and naive posters on this site who think snooping and looking at their spouses emails and text messages is such a terrible thing to do. Dude...snap out it...she's YOUR WIFE!!!

I have all of my wife's passwords to emails, Facebook, cell phone, etc. She has all of mine. She's welcome to look through anything she wants. Sometimes she asks me to check her emails if she's unable to do it and is expecting a message. The only thing that's private is toilet usage.

It's a great feeling and comforting for both of us to adopt a "there are no secrets in a marriage" policy.
 
#19 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Zatol
I tend to agree it has been 15 months and she still insists there is nothing going with them. I do the rationalization going on. I am just afraid I will always have the nagging question did I handle this correctly? After bringing up that we need to separate our finances this weekend, I’m stuck with sleeping on the couch...
 
#29 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Zatol
I tend to agree it has been 15 months and she still insists there is nothing going with them. I do the rationalization going on. I am just afraid I will always have the nagging question did I handle this correctly? After bringing up that we need to separate our finances this weekend, I’m stuck with sleeping on the couch...
Sorry, Fixin...don't mean to sound harsh but it should be her azz on the couch! I also agree with Candie and Cubby. The boss is looking to get physical with your wife, even if he doesn't realize it yet. Imagine a scenario 5 or 6 years from now when your youngest has graduated from high school and is out of the house. You and your wife get into a huge argument about the burnt meatloaf. She stomps out of the house and gives her "best friend" a ring on the cell to talk about how horrible of a husband you are. He consoles her and let's her know that you don't even know how lucky you are to have her as a wife and he puts his arm around her to comfort her....Blah, Blah, Blah. It's gonna happen...sooner or later.
Also, Cubby is right about the email thing. You have nothing to feel bad about. Privacy takes on a whole new meaning for a devoted couple and their communications should be an open book.
Look, I realize that this is scary for you and you are concerned that you might be jumping the gun and taking things out of context and orverreacting, etc. But in these cases, your initial gut reaction is usually the right one. You know something is not right with this relationship.
If for no other reason than to make you feel better, she should end the relationship. That's what a loving spouse should do.
I'm not saying that your marriage is over, but it is time for you to put your foot down and have a serious conversation with your wife. I would calmly sit her down and explain how hurt and shocked you were to know the depths of intimacy that she shares with this man and that it hurts you as her husband that she is unable to consider you her best friend. Time for some firm, straight talk.
Counseling is a good idea also.
 
#22 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Fixin, you need to tell your wife to examine your marriage and what it means to her. Then, go 180 degrees on her (info on this site). Do not let her control you like this. Show her that you mean business. Tell her that if she wants to continue to have this best friend of hers, that her ass with be on the curb, nevermind the flippin' couch!
 
#24 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Your youngest will be 18 soon. Thety can handle this.

Meanwhile, your wife has chosen a relationship with another man over you. As others have suggested, you need to monitor via keylogger and VAR in the car.

I would wait a bit and see if you get anything. Then demand she leave that job or the marriage. Her choice.

This is at the very least an EA
 
#34 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Back in the day the attitude she has would prompt me to really go icy on her and give her a strong taste of her own medicine.

Yes, it's immature. But there are some people who don't understand the gravity of what they do until it happens to them.
Back in "the day", people had a healthy understanding of boundaries. It is so blatantly obvious that you do not have these types of conversations with someone from the opposite sex because the repercussions are too many to account for. IDK, OP but I think you need to have the convo with the wife and tell her flat out that she has a choice: She has the relationship with you or she continues this relationship with the boss. If she wakes up and decides that you are too important for her to lose, then you insist that she either transfers or she quits. Also, she needs to break it off with him via no contact ever again.

If she says that she will not stop the relationship with the boss, then you need to get as much supporting evidence as possible and out them to her companies HR dept. No doubt that her co-workers know that their relationship is inappropriate, and that I'm sure you can find a few that would back up your story. Then I'd divorce her because she made her choice...
 
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