Can I just say I feel the moderation in recent weeks in respect of this has gone imo over the top.
Recently there has been a sharp increase in threads where the cheater has come on and sought advice reaction etc to the point where there has been requests for a seperate forum / sub forum (probably not a bad idea)
95% of threads / posts in the CWI forum are concerning the story and help seeking from a betrayed spouse in one form or other so obviously there will be a strongish feeling against the cheating spouses and their views ethics and morality which most of us have been on the receiving end of and has caused in real life huge destruction to children and families - it IS heavy stuff.
imo there should be some leeway in respect of feeling against them although agreed it should not be just you're a **** or a **** with no qualification. I do feel if there is heavy criticism with qualification or some kind of message then it should be permissible. If it becomes meaningless anal criticism then fine ban it but if there is some message or qualified view then I can't see what's wrong with that personally
Also as in the latest thread I cheated and am in love the quickest and most direct way to get a point across to somebody submersed in the 'fog' is through some sarcasm and cynical responses.
I am all for trying to understand an help somebody with their respective problems but sometimes for a cheater in the depths of the fog understanding does not cut it, they can also need a heavy dose of reality which is in the legitimate domain of sarcasm cynicism etc
I'd also say the recent 'Collier' thread was a good example of somebody who deserved every bit that got thrown at him and in the end many of us were proved right about him
Why so heavy handed? It's getting to the point where I feel many of us can't make a legitimate 'heavyish' point for fear of being banned
Maybe you should consider a Cheater sub forum and ban anything other than sympathetic posts
Can I just say I feel the moderation in recent weeks in respect of this has gone imo over the top.
Recently there has been a sharp increase in threads where the cheater has come on and sought advice reaction etc to the point where there has been requests for a seperate forum / sub forum (probably not a bad idea)
95% of threads / posts in the CWI forum are concerning the story and help seeking from a betrayed spouse in one form or other so obviously there will be a strongish feeling against the cheating spouses and their views ethics and morality which most of us have been on the receiving end of and has caused in real life huge destruction to children and families - it IS heavy stuff.
imo there should be some leeway in respect of feeling against them although agreed it should not be just you're a **** or a **** with no qualification. I do feel if there is heavy criticism with qualification or some kind of message then it should be permissible. If it becomes meaningless anal criticism then fine ban it but if there is some message or qualified view then I can't see what's wrong with that personally
Also as in the latest thread I cheated and am in love the quickest and most direct way to get a point across to somebody submersed in the 'fog' is through some sarcasm and cynical responses.
I am all for trying to understand an help somebody with their respective problems but sometimes for a cheater in the depths of the fog understanding does not cut it, they can also need a heavy dose of reality which is in the legitimate domain of sarcasm cynicism etc
I'd also say the recent 'Collier' thread was a good example of somebody who deserved every bit that got thrown at him and in the end many of us were proved right about him
Why so heavy handed? It's getting to the point where I feel many of us can't make a legitimate 'heavyish' point for fear of being banned
Maybe you should consider a Cheater sub forum and ban anything other than sympathetic posts
I don't know, just a point of view about this.
So let me get this straight, you're upset that we're being sarcastic and not giving "legitimate" advice to cheaters. So your solution is to create a sub forum were we're all sympathetic to their "plight", essentially saying the same thing as we did when we were sarcastic......
Or do you mean there should be a "say something positive or else" policy? I'm not sure that's the purpose of a discussion board....... Cheaters don't need to be coddled, it certainly won't snap them out of the fog (if you even believe in that nonsense), they're not "victims".
So let me get this straight, you're upset that we're being sarcastic and not giving "legitimate" advice to cheaters. So your solution is to create a sub forum were we're all sympathetic to their "plight", essentially saying the same thing as we did when we were sarcastic......
Eh!?
No you're getting it wrong - completely
I'm a little peeved that sarcasm and cynicism as a legitimate response to a cheater in a cheater thread results often in loads of posts being removed and bannings.
I feel that that kind of response to these kind of people is sometimes a right one to make as being 'understanding' whilst they are deep in the fog does'nt work at all
Obviously name calling as a meaningless exercise is silly and should be dealt with accordingly.
My sub forum point is that if a cheater thread is allowed only sympathetic responses then maybe a sub forum would be better to keep out any more intense heavier responses
it just doesn't feel the same, anymore. we as posters used to call our own BS- as in bullsh*t -and not have the mods "babysit" us.
i have no problems with the mods on a personal level, but i do agree that they've made some questionable calls. i recently vented this sentiment on another thread, only to be chastised by another poster for "insubordination." if you notice, there are some newer posters who are calling for heads to roll in these cases. makes you wonder where they're coming from.
i'm glad that we're still able to bring such a topic up for discussion, without being reprimanded. at least we can still make our plight known on an open forum in the company of our fellow posters. when that privilege goes by the wayside-- WE'RE IN TROUBLE.
I'm a little peeved that sarcasm and cynicism as a legitimate response to a cheater in a cheater thread results often in loads of posts being removed and bannings.
I feel that that kind of response to these kind of people is sometimes a right one to make as being 'understanding' whilst they are deep in the fog does'nt work at all
Obviously name calling as a meaningless exercise is silly and should be dealt with accordingly.
My sub forum point is that if a cheater thread is allowed only sympathetic responses then maybe a sub forum would be better to keep out any more intense heavier responses
On the thread where the OP admits to "being in love with the OM" and has only been married a year, the advise given in regards to getting a divorce is the correct advise, no sarcasm intended. One would have to assume that, during what was supposed to be the "honeymoon phase" of the marriage, she cheated. Why bother with the analysis of how that came to happen or trying to save a marriage that the OP willingly destroyed? It was over before it even had a chance.
I suppose that sometimes "sarcasm" is in the eye of the reader. An admitted cheater knows that they are cheating, and are certainly aware that this goes against the very vows they took with their spouse. Are we supposed to sympathize with the cheater? While certain name calling could be avoided, it is what it is, and advise is given (generally) in the tone by which it is sought. It's called "responding in kind" to the OP's inquiry.
Can I just say I feel the moderation in recent weeks in respect of this has gone imo over the top.
From your lips to God's ears. Although, I don't know if we're allowed to use the "G" word anymore. Let's just say "the Universe."
Quote:
Originally Posted by Headspin
Maybe you should consider a Cheater sub forum and ban anything other than sympathetic posts
It's kind of sad when a pro-marriage board deteriorates to the point that we can't portray fidelity as moral and infidelity as immoral. Maybe the Cheaters sub forum can just refer all posters to AM.com.
You are bothered because sarcastic and cynical posts that aren't actually intended to support, assist, or simply highlight the script, the fog, magical thinking, denial, or other wayward behavior ...
but instead are meant as an in-joke, or to mock the OP are being removed?
Care to guess which forum on the boards gets moderated the most and why?
Far too many people believe that a wayward coming here and opening up about the mess their choices have made, means that it's open season to project the pain of their own circumstances and take a shot at a 'cheater'.
For perspective, some of the posters in that thread had more posts in it than the OP.
That isn't someone that wants to contribute or help. That is someone that wants to be heard.
This IS a pro-marriage forum.
Infidelity is an all too tragic fact.
And the reality is that both parties, the betrayed and the betrayors should have the opportunity to post their circumstances or concerns here without the fear of being attacked, mocked or bullied.
What possible incentive is there for a wayward to continue posting and learning about the fallout their choices have caused, if every time they do so, there is a virtual lynch mob waiting for them?
For those who insist that tough love and a smack upside the head is what is required ... I agree. But if you believe that attacking, shaming, name calling and mockery are part of that equation, well then I'm happy to disappoint.
Edited to add:
My response isn't intended or meant to be directed solely at the OP, Headspin. It's for all y'all.
Far too many people believe that a wayward coming here and opening up about the mess their choices have made, means that it's open season to project the pain of their own circumstances and take a shot at a 'cheater'.
Hi Deejo:
Being a moderator is a tough job, so I am not trying to bash you or second guess your decisions.
I do want to gently point out that when a BS shares their story they are not necessarily projecting.
They are often sharing their story to show the cheater the pain their actions will cause their faithful spouse and as a way to wake the cheater up to reality.
Quote:
For perspective, some of the posters in that thread had more posts in it than the OP.
Why would that be an issue for anyone. So someone is a prolific poster and wants to share their thoughts as a way to show the cheater the ramifications of their actions
Maybe they feel that the cheater is on the edge and redeemable and if they can wake him up they can save his her marriage. To that end they post a lot of posts on that thread. Was that against the rules?
I will probably be on the moderators hit list for posting this post.
But, I do agree that maybe a subforum for cheaters to get advice where a mandate that responses must be gentle would be a good idea.
This way both cheaters and Betrayed spouses can abide by the rule or avoid that board if they feel they can't.
I'm just as guilty as anyone when it comes to sarcasm....BUT nowadays if I see a thread is just going to trigger me and cause me to post something that I'll regret, then I just leave the thread or I just ignore it entirely.
As for having a cheater sub forum where they can be coddled and get advice like at Surviving Infidelity and Loveshack? This I will have to disagree with, seeing as how it won't actually prevent people from getting banned. I know in SI, the poster has the option of posting a stop sign, meaning no BSs are allowed to respond in the thread. All this does is piss people off. The temptation is too great and many newly betrayed will not be able to resist not going into that forum. It could set back the healing of some people to have our very own doc cool type forum in TAM.
Just take the sudden proliferation of wayward threads as an example. Recently, there's been new members who are allegedly in the middle of their affairs posting their own threads. Then you have the influx of angry BSs posting in the thread, resulting in even long time experienced posters getting banned. Its almost as if these new threads are flame bait to get people banned...who knows. I just know I'm not falling for that trap.
A sub-forum has been discussed. I'm comfortable sharing my perspective.
It looks good on paper.
It would make moderating a hell of a lot easier.
We don't have a mod sitting in CWI reviewing threads 24/7.
It is obviously one of the most emotional sub-forums on the board.
However, my opinion is that a wayward subforum would be the equivalent of an online leper colony.
How does one know that is where they should be posting? More than likely because someone else, likely in an unkind fashion will tell them that's where they belong.
It's about ostracizing rather than inclusion. It would be about singling out a specific group of people that are part of the infidelity equation.
Frankly I'd rather be able to have these kinds of discussions and come to consensus on how the community chooses to address the issue without everyone feeling like they get burned or ignored.
Don't forget, these responses aren't only to WS's. I've seen some BS's get raked over the coals as well recently. It seems that a lot of people who haven't fully healed appear to take out their frustrations and anger on anyone who doesn't agree or "listen" to their advice.
I'm with Lordmayhem and others though. I don't think having a sub section would do anything except create more moderating issues, not to mention separating BS's and WS's into respective camps and continuing a bad cycle of taunts and jabs.
I think a sub forum is a bad idea. Cheaters who come here looking for advice will benefit from all different kinds of responses. Mature people will take what they need & ignore the rest. Some of us here (myself included) are already taking a gentle approach w/o bashing.
I do not sympathize with cheaters; I do however, show empathy towards anyone who is hurting including cheaters & their families.
If anything, having a sub forum will create more work, just take a look at the sub forum in SI and LS. The mods there are constantly having to intervene in the threads for the simple fact that angry BSs will not be able to resist the temptation to look at the threads and post in them.
Many BSs are hurt and angry by the actions/infidelity of their WS. This is natural. So many times when they see the thread of an unremorseful or even remorseful WS, they project that anger is projected on to the thread starter. Again, I'll admit having done this as well. Sometimes, I'll peek in on a WS and see all the anger projection going on.
But I'm learning to just walk away from a thread if I know it's going to get me upset. There are plenty of other threads out there that need attention or people asking for help.
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Sarcasm and Cynicism responses 
