I cannot really talk about my situation to my husband, because he shuts down.
I cannot talk to my family, because I don't want them to treat my husband any differently.
I cannot talk to my friends, because they think I have a perfect life, and any time I complain they tell me how bad their own situations are.
So I am here. Reaching out to complete strangers for some sort of help, guidance, or advice.
At any rate, my husband and I got married very young, I was 19 and he was 20. We have been married for almost 8 years. Just recently, he revealed to me that he had a physical and emotional affair. I never suspected anything, never saw it coming. He literally sat down to use the bathroom one day (TMI) and out of the blue, he confessed to kissing another girl. I was initially upset, but then I started to wonder why he would confess something like that so randomly. Long story short, he eventually admitted to doing a lot more than kissing her. I would ask for details (who is she, where did you know her from, etc.) and he would act as though his memory was just so horrible. Finally, I asked him to just write down what he remembers, that way he wouldn't feel like I was putting him on the spot.
He ended up writing out about 4 pages of his adulterous acts, some dating back to before we were married. He even admitted to snooping through my own sister's drawers and looking for her sex toys (she was out of town, and I had sent him to her house to get a pacifier for my youngest). I have no clue what he did when he found them, and I don't want to know. He admitted to having inappropriate thoughts about her and other women.
The one actual affair he had stemmed from work. He works at a call center, and it employs 85% women. He admitted to me that in his leadership roles he has shown favoritism to at least one employee. He adds women from work to Facebook, and then flirts with them (in my opinion). He texts them, and the things he texts are not necessarily inappropriate, I just don't see the need for it. He has no respect for boundaries, and when I bring them up he gets defensive.
That's a little bit of background, I could write even more things but I won't for fear that no one will read.
Where I'm at today, is I just don't know what to believe. I don't know how, or if, I can move past all of this. I feel like the deception was carried out so perfectly, that next time he could hide it even longer. I wonder what he's doing at work? Who he's thinking about during sex? Is he really going where he says he is? I NEVER in a million years thought he would be the type to cheat. All of these insecurities are new to me, and I think they are magnified because of how good of a liar this man I thought I knew turned out to be.
Are the things I feel normal? Do my insecurities and doubts, coupled with his deception, make this relationship irreparable?
I appreciate anything anyone can say that will help. Before anyone asks why don't I just leave, let me tell ya. It's not that easy. I've just recently got my Masters degree, but I have absolutely no work experience. It's hard for me to find a job, so I depend on my husband for everything. I'm looking for work, and I think if I had a job the situation would already be over. Also, I don't want to break my kids' hearts, and I know a divorce would do that.
first i feel you need to decide if this is what you want ? to be married to him or not depending upon that decision their are steps to take to either recover or get a divorce
Some details would help. Your respective ages, length of relationship and marriage, number of kids and ages.
Also, what is he doing to show remorse? Anything? Is he transparent, has he agreed to not contact the women? Is the stuff with Facebook and the like ongoing, or in the past? Why did he confess? Was it out of guilt, or because someone else was going to tell you?
First of all, congratulations on your masters degree.
Are the things I feel normal? Do my insecurities and doubts, coupled with his deception, make this relationship irreparable?
The things you're feeling are absolutely normal, and on the days to come you will experience many others. The phases of coping of betrayal can seem overwhelming sometimes, but know that time will make you cope with it. Good thing that time is always moving forward.
The insecuritie and doubts are very normal. You'll feel not good enough, you'll feel as if you failed, you'll feel all sorts of things.
What makes the relationship irreparable, should you want to fix it, is the lack of his will to save it. For you to begin wanting to fix it, so you can remain with him forever and not until you'll land on your feet, he must show remorse, sorrow and regret.
Those three emotions are by no mean sufficient to heal the shock and the depression, but they will constitute a basis for you to work on the trust issues that arised, and for him to not slip again.
Sometimes it's hard to get these three emotions from a partner, sometimes, they are there but not in the right way.
Your husband has a lot of issues obviously, and one of them, in my opinion, is that he seeks female validation and attention. This will only lead to affairs.
Don't hold back any details, I promise that me and others will read your posts integrally.
First of all, do you feel that you want to be with him ? If yes.
Did he show the three emotions ? Did he ask you to forgive him ? Did he accept to go in a full transparency mode ?
First yes, everything your feeling is perfectly normal and 'on script' for a person that was been recently betrayed.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kathy Jackson
Before anyone asks why don't I just leave, let me tell ya. It's not that easy. I've just recently got my Masters degree, but I have absolutely no work experience. It's hard for me to find a job, so I depend on my husband for everything. I'm looking for work, and I think if I had a job the situation would already be over.
You answered many of your own questions with crystal clarity right there.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kathy Jackson
Also, I don't want to break my kids' hearts, and I know a divorce would do that.
Help?
Your children are developing, you and your husband are the blueprint they will emulate as they grow older. Particularly in relationships. The broken hearts are minor compared to the longterm damage caused by raising your children in a dysfunctional household with a cheating husband.
Some details would help. Your respective ages, length of relationship and marriage, number of kids and ages.
Also, what is he doing to show remorse? Anything? Is he transparent, has he agreed to not contact the women? Is the stuff with Facebook and the like ongoing, or in the past? Why did he confess? Was it out of guilt, or because someone else was going to tell you?
I'm 27 he is 28. We have a 6 year old son and 2 year old daughter. The marriage is 7 years, 8 in February.
He has apologized, but that's it. He just told me out of the blue. I had no idea, and didn't know anyone who could have known except his mother. The Facebook stuff is ongoing, and he still works in the same place. The woman he had the affair with no longer works there. Shortly after their affair, the company downsized. He has told me that if it were not for the layoff the affair would have continued.
what consequences have you imposed on him, If none then he will cheat again or he is now cheating
I need help with this. I don't know what consequences I could impose? I mean, he is an adult, and if I push too hard I feel like he might pull away even further?
To this point, he's only apologized. He has not been willing to sit down and set explicit boundaries.
first i feel you need to decide if this is what you want ? to be married to him or not depending upon that decision their are steps to take to either recover or get a divorce
I'm torn. I don't want to be part of the divorce statistic (no offense to anyone) and I want my children to have both of their parents.
At the same time, I don't want to feel stupid like this later down the line. Like if I let this go, I'm feeling like it gives him a green light.
It sounds like you would divorce if money was not an issue and of course the kids.
You have to decide if you want to R. If you do you need to know who she was and confront and expose. He needs to be remorseful and it sounds like he is not. Read up on the 180. I would also consider filing for D, you do not have to go through with it but he needs to know you are deadly serious.
How long ago was the A? Do you have concerns for STD's or he may have fathered a kid?
If he is not begging to fix things and never do it again and willing to spend a life time to make things up to you. There is no chance for an R.
The woman he was involved with does she still work with him? If yes he needs to find a new job right now.
First of all, congratulations on your masters degree.
Are the things I feel normal? Do my insecurities and doubts, coupled with his deception, make this relationship irreparable?
The things you're feeling are absolutely normal, and on the days to come you will experience many others. The phases of coping of betrayal can seem overwhelming sometimes, but know that time will make you cope with it. Good thing that time is always moving forward.
The insecuritie and doubts are very normal. You'll feel not good enough, you'll feel as if you failed, you'll feel all sorts of things.
What makes the relationship irreparable, should you want to fix it, is the lack of his will to save it. For you to begin wanting to fix it, so you can remain with him forever and not until you'll land on your feet, he must show remorse, sorrow and regret.
Those three emotions are by no mean sufficient to heal the shock and the depression, but they will constitute a basis for you to work on the trust issues that arised, and for him to not slip again.
Sometimes it's hard to get these three emotions from a partner, sometimes, they are there but not in the right way.
Your husband has a lot of issues obviously, and one of them, in my opinion, is that he seeks female validation and attention. This will only lead to affairs.
Don't hold back any details, I promise that me and others will read your posts integrally.
First of all, do you feel that you want to be with him ? If yes.
Did he show the three emotions ? Did he ask you to forgive him ? Did he accept to go in a full transparency mode ?
Thank you. I want to be with him---I think. I'm sorry I don't have a clear answer. I don't know if I want to be with him or if I want to be married and not divorced. If that makes sense.
He has asked me to forgive, and to some degree he has shown remorse, sorrow and regret. I feel like I had to force those things out of him though. When he told me about the affair, he literally said I kissed a girl 4 years ago and that was it. He wouldn't tell me her name, I had to do some Facebook snooping to find it. Then when I texted him a picture of her, he responded by saying "what's that supposed to be?"
He has been fully transparent to the extent that he wants to be. Like I said he wrote out 4 pages of adulterous acts, but the situations would always go a little too far but not over the line. For example, he would get a girl's number, call her, and then back out. Or he would call her, hang out, but if she tried anything, he would leave. I have a hard time believing or trusting his "transparency".
First yes, everything your feeling is perfectly normal and 'on script' for a person that was been recently betrayed.
You answered many of your own questions with crystal clarity right there.
Your children are developing, you and your husband are the blueprint they will emulate as they grow older. Particularly in relationships. The broken hearts are minor compared to the longterm damage caused by raising your children in a dysfunctional household with a cheating husband.
I agree that I answered my own question, but then I feel like walking away would be unfair to him. He worked and allowed me to get two degrees and be a stay at home mom---then the minute I get on my feet I leave. It's confusing to explain. If I had a job, I would have more options. To leave now would be to take 2 kids and live with a relative---uprooting myself and my kids from the lifestyle we are used to.
It sounds like you would divorce if money was not an issue and of course the kids.
You have to decide if you want to R. If you do you need to know who she was and confront and expose. He needs to be remorseful and it sounds like he is not. Read up on the 180. I would also consider filing for D, you do not have to go through with it but he needs to know you are deadly serious.
How long ago was the A? Do you have concerns for STD's or he may have fathered a kid?
If he is not begging to fix things and never do it again and willing to spend a life time to make things up to you. There is no chance for an R.
The woman he was involved with does she still work with him? If yes he needs to find a new job right now.
I'm assuming that R=reconciliation?
Not sure what the 180 is either.
The affair was 4 years ago, he did things more recently though. OH, I forgot one of the most important things, he also had an eharmony account. He told me he only registered because he was "curious". She no longer works there. But there are others...sadly.
I'm torn. I don't want to be part of the divorce statistic (no offense to anyone) and I want my children to have both of their parents.
At the same time, I don't want to feel stupid like this later down the line. Like if I let this go, I'm feeling like it gives him a green light.
I used this phrase in another thread recently, but you have a tiger by the tail here.
If you do not set boundaries, he will carry on as he has done.
Although he has at least seemingly told you much about his infidelity I am wondering why given that there seems little real remorse behind it.
You firstly need to decide what you will accept and what you won't.
Don't forget that, although most - if not all - of us on here have experience one side of the infidelity coin we are not "experts". Only you know what is right for you.
Understand this: if he will not accept boundaries that is because he does not want to be bound by them. This means that he will almost certainly cheat again - if he is not doing already.
I think others will suggest this, but you might think about a 2 stage process:
1) Try to find out more information without him knowing. The favourite is a voice activated recorder in the car and a keylogger on his PC.
2) Tell him the boundaries YOU NEED for the relationship to work.
There might be an argument for you allowing him to keep his Facebook account if you can install a keylogger first, as this might give you a better picture of what he is and has been up to.
You are not alone. Keep posting - the people on here genuinely care about you even if we will not agree on the right way forward sometimes
OK, you need to put your foot down. Hard. He cheated. He CHEATED on you. What did you do to deserve that? the answer is - NOTHING. It is ALL on him. He is a liar and a cheat, and from what you write he has every intention of just keeping it up despite what you think or say or do.
You need to get tested for STD's.
So, if I were you, I would tell him he has five minutes to pack a bag and to get the hell out. Where he goes you do not care. Just OUT. Away from you. You will NOT put up with this behaviour. It is UNACCEPTABLE.
Then, If after a week or a month you feel like you want to talk to him again, he will have to PROVE to you that he is done cheating. That will include but is not limited to giving you all his passwords for email, facebook, bank accounts, cell phones etc, letting you see everything you want to on any of his accounts anywhere at any time, showing you his phone immediately whenever you tell him to. He must get tested for STD's and show you the results in writing, or better yet take you to the results appt. He must tell you EVERYTHING and leave nothing out, and he must prove what he says, via polygraph if that's what you want.
Please don't let him call the shots here. Take the bull by the horns. Kicking him out doesn't mean it's over - read my story if you don't believe me. Kicking my husband out was exactly what he needed.
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In Need of Advice---At My Wit's End! 
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