justhurtin

Been with bf in ltr for 5 yrs and last year he cheated. I'm having a hard time forgiving and trusting him again. When he was cheating he was spending all hit free time with the ow. He even moved out for 6 months. I found out because the ultimate sin was committed by me. I called her numberand shetold me everything becausehe had told her he was coming back to me. At the time I was hurt because I was truly in love but now I feel like it was all a game to him. To this day I believe has contactwith with her even though he swears hes not. He says hes been changing because he didn't like seeing me in so much pain. I just don't believe anything he says. I've been cheated on somuch in the past that I don't believe he can/wants to changehisbehavior. I want to salvage our relationship but itshard.Everytimewe getinto a fight I accusehim of cheating. He told me that I liketo besadand upset that'swhy I bring up theinfidelity. What can I do?

Pyroguy

What reason does he give for cheating? Does it have anything to do with him saying you like being sad and upset? Do you like being that way, or are you usually upbeat and happy when you're around him?

As far as him changing because he doesn't like to see you in pain...doubtful that will last. Two people in a relationship shouldn't have to "change" to meet the needs of the other...the idea of getting into a relationship with someone is because they both ALREADY meet the others needs and wants in a person. Now, if there are legitimate faults or things that SHOULD be changed, then of course, change would be a positive thing. Exactly WHAT is he "changing" for you?

You say "every time" you both get into a fight...how often is that? If it happens often, then I'll be blunt: get out of the relationship. If you're fighting a lot now, it will probably only increase later, and if you add children to the mix, then your problems will become theirs, and that isn't fair to kids. You have an opportunity NOW to change your circumstances, before you multiply the problems many times over by trying to continue in what may already be a failed relationship.

Can you provide more details, as requested above?
I wish you the best, and that you stay strong through this.

lordmayhem

He moved out to be with this OW? Who is she? A coworker? And Ex-GF? And you took him back after he had a chance to test drive this OW?

It's not the ultimate sin to confront the OW, far from it in fact. So he got tired of her and decided to go back to his backup plan...YOU.

Please list his behaviors and we'll tell you if they are red flags that indicate that he's still cheating on you. Usually, if your gut is screaming at you that something is wrong, it usually is.



Red flag right there. Thats what called gaslighting. Its used to make you think you're crazy and that its all in your head.

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justhurtin

He has basically said that he cheated because I have a friend that once upon a time I was intimate with but we decided to just be friends that he does not get along with. When I introduced them I did not know they had history together. Eventually he wanted me to let go of that friendship because he did not like the person. The guy and I had been friends for about 10 years at that point and I refused. So since I refused to give up this friend he cheated because he said I didn't care about his feelings. Now I never flaunted this friendship in his face. I actually dialed back my involvement but I didn't cut him completely out of my life.
I often will hear or see something that will remind me of the 6 months he spent cheating with this other woman. That makes me sad. He still goes to visit the people that he took her around because she will randomly pop up there hopping he's there. I'm just no longer comfortable doing things I once consider fun because I think he's always thinking of her. I keep trying to convince myself that it was a one time thing but for six months the other person was more important than me and I will never know why because he refuses to talk about it. Its a year later and I just want these feelings to go away. As far as the fights go...maybe once a month because he will do something that reminds me of past behavior and I accuse its almost like second nature. At this point I agree about the changing thing. But he swears he his doing nothing and I should have a little trust in him.
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justhurtin

Actually she a random girl that he met. I have felt like he was treating me like a backup and whenever I say its over and I'm done we talk and I feel like I'm blowing things way out of proportion. In the past I have just walked away when the cheating happened but with him its so hard too.
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Almostrecovered

cheaters who bemoan that you should trust them are usually still in the affair or are rugsweeping

cheaters that are remorseful will understand that trust needs to be rebuilt and you have no reason to trust them yet

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Acabado

Wrong motivation. Other people's pain never stopped anybody to behave badly, expecially those who have proven in the past to choose self gratification over respect (self and others), integrity, dignity, responsability. Other people's pain (even our own pain!!) is easyly forgotten.
Empathy it's not a bad start, but won't last.

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Mal de muchos, consuelo de tontos

Unsure in Seattle

Trust me, confrontation was no sin.

justhurtin

I apprieciate all the advice so far. I know that a lot of things need to change on my end as well as his. But I just don't know where to start. I keeping reading all these books and writing my feelings but I'm not feeling better just more angry and frustrated.
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