I'm broken and don't know what to do
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 09-01-2012, 01:37 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy I'm broken and don't know what to do

Im broken. Long story short my husband who I've been with for 10 years admitted he's been having an affair for several months. He only admitted b/c he knew he was going to get caught. The biggest problem is we have 3 children with the youngest being 5 months old. His affair began when my youngest was a month old. I'm staying at a hotel and I'm lost. I hate him but still love him. I have never felt pain like this in my life and don't know what to do. I can't function let alone put on a happy face for my children. He met this woman on a dating website so he went looking for an affair. My friends have been supportive but they don't know what I'm feeling and that makes me feel even more alone. I don't know what I'm supposed to do nor how I can do it since everything inside of me seems numb, I feel like I've lost everything and my world stopped turning this morning.
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Old 09-01-2012, 01:47 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm broken and don't know what to do

Cadabra my heart aches for you. It is so sad when something like this happens. Don't just jump back and 'forgive' unconditionally.

Did he SAY he confessed b/c he knew he'd be discovered? If so, how did he figure that would happen? Afraid the OW would call the house?

You're doing the right thing at the moment. Take some time to compose yourself as much as possible. DO NOT assume ONE IOTA of blame. It's ALL on him.

Is he seeking reconciliation? There are many on this site that can relate their own experiences - you WILL get through this as a stronger woman. Whether it will be alone or with a TRUE and LOYAL partner remains to be seen. Just remember, many marriages have survived and thrived after something as horrid as what you are experiencing. Focus on your children for the immediate future and don't act hastily. DO express your anger, disgust, sense of betrayal, and disappointment when appropriate. (I'm sure you know not to do so in front of the children).

Keeping your family in my prayers. My most positive thoughts are directed your way.
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Old 09-01-2012, 01:51 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm broken and don't know what to do

Please go back home with your 3 children. He should be the one staying in a hotel.
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Old 09-01-2012, 01:53 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm broken and don't know what to do

You either decide to stay married or you decide to get divorced.

You don't have to decide right away.

You probably want to know the truth about what's going on before you can decide.

Then you have to decide if he is remorseful and whether you want to give him another chance.

Is he willing to have no contact with the other woman?

Is he willing to give you access to all his communication devices and accounts?
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Old 09-01-2012, 02:04 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm broken and don't know what to do

Why did you leave? He should have been the one to go. Tell us more about this.

Does he work?

Do you work?

Did he say he planned on ending his affair?

Is he continuing his affair?

Why did he think he was going to be caught?

MOST IMPORTANTLY, have you made any withdrawals from your joint account, like all of it? If not, why not?
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Old 09-01-2012, 02:07 PM   #6 (permalink)
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hi we all know here what you are going through the pain the hurt but it will pass with time do you have friends or family you can turn to try and some one you can talk to being in a hotel will not do any favours on your own or no matter how much it hurts can you go back home and try and resolve or sort out the issues at the very least you will be with your children and in your home if possible try and get him to leave while you think about your future and get advice about your future and the children's future but it will not be easy by a long way but you will have your friends and children around you to ease your grief a little but we all understand the pain you are going through keep posting you will get plenty of support and help and advice al the best and i am so sorry for the pain
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Old 09-01-2012, 09:43 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Thank you all. I came back home tonight to be with my kids. Him and I spoke about the situation. I asked questions and he was honest. He says he loves me, apologies and wants to fix it. I told him to leave. My children think he went to work but my 8 year old daughter is sensing something. I have no family here. I do work and thank God I can financially take care of us. I'm just a wreck with a mind full of thoughts. My heart literally hurts. I'm lost. I love him with all my heart and yet hate him at the same time. I want to forgive but don't know how I ever could. I don't want to make the mistake of pretending he's still the man I fell in love with and I was his world. It's hard to see the light.
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Old 09-01-2012, 10:49 PM   #8 (permalink)
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The pain is awful.

For what it's worth, at least there are people here that understand. It's an actual physical pain.

It's normal to have the conflicting emotions and it can help to get affection from your spouse.
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Old 09-01-2012, 11:09 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm broken and don't know what to do

You are reacting in the most normal ways to this betrayal. What you need to do right now is take the time until you feel ready to begin the healing process.
You can take all the time you need to get there, you have to.

I think you know what you'll have to do if you decide to leave, every member in this forum will guide you. Should you decide to remain with him, you'll have a rough path to cross.
To build up the trust again, you have to feel that it's what you'd like to do. It has to be for you, not for your marriage's or anyone else's sake. A comfortable mother makes for comfortable children.
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Old 09-01-2012, 11:19 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Its normal to feel that way. Dont think about a decision right now. Later on when the reality sets in a little moreand you want to R, dont rug sweep anything, cbring everything to the surface. It was your H choice to cheat, he never asked if he could, you never forced him, its not your faul he cheated, it was all his decision and i am sure if he told you beforehand things would be very different.
Your H has changed your marriage forever and he must change for better, till death do you part. Transparency, no secret emails, no FB, no BNO, remorse and repair. Do not rush to trust.
It will pass, for whatever you decide, time will move and youll become stronger.
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Old 09-03-2012, 12:26 AM   #11 (permalink)
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We spoke again tonight. I had more questions and he was honest. I keep doing that to myself and it makes the hurt even stronger. I need to get past the need to know every detail. I'm really struggling with the thoughts of what's wrong with me. I can't even look at myself in the mirror b/c I think about what could be different about me that could have prevented this. I want to attempt to try because I did make the "for better or for worse vowel" however I allowed him to put his arms around me for comfort and I felt nothing. It was emptiness. I think he has killed a part of me.
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Old 09-03-2012, 12:30 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Children are a blessing. Cling to them during this difficult time and they will give you strength.
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Old 09-03-2012, 12:51 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm broken and don't know what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cadabra View Post
We spoke again tonight. I had more questions and he was honest. I keep doing that to myself and it makes the hurt even stronger. I need to get past the need to know every detail. I'm really struggling with the thoughts of what's wrong with me. I can't even look at myself in the mirror b/c I think about what could be different about me that could have prevented this. I want to attempt to try because I did make the "for better or for worse vowel" however I allowed him to put his arms around me for comfort and I felt nothing. It was emptiness. I think he has killed a part of me.
You are in shock.

You will want to know why he so callously betrayed you and his children.

It's possible to get over this, but only if there is honesty.

Good luck.
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Old 09-03-2012, 01:03 AM   #14 (permalink)
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I am so, so sorry you are going through this. I've learned that the people in this forum is very helpful and they can help you through this. I don't post much, but I did read a lot of the posts that helped me go through my situation. I wish I had some advice for you. But in the meantime, your kids need YOU. Try and stay strong for them. I know it's hard, but they need you to be there. ((HUGS))
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Old 09-03-2012, 01:46 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I don't know which way, you will end up going---D or R---but you cannot, I repeat cannot---at this point show him any signs of affection, or let him show affection to you

If you do so---it is saying to him, go ahead take other women, in preferance to me and your children, do your dirty little thing, I will be here when you decide to come home, and it is all OK----that is what you are telling him, when you allow him to touch you----that is also telling him, he can do it again, cuz you will be there, and do nothing about what he has done.

KEEP HIM AT ARMS LENGTH---NO LOVEY--DOVEY----NO MRS NICE WOMAN----he cheated, he dissed you, he made you out to be a POS, he must be held accountable---HE DOES NOT GET HIS NICE CUSHY LIFESTYLE BACK------he MUST do penance

If you stay with him, the only way he gets to stay, is if he does ALL the heavy lifting---when you say jump---he says how high---he does not get to argue/disagree/discuss ANYTHING---what you say GOES, as long as its not abusive

Also---MAKE HIM SIGN A POST--NUP, with a DURESS clause.
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