I would presume that once busted, the WS would either chit (give up the OP) or get off the pot (leave the marriage). But that doesn't seem to be the case.
My D-Day is still rather fresh (not yet a full month) so I am still developing views on cheating/cheaters while processing my own recovery as the BS. Bear with me as my thoughts are a little all over the place and this is definitely not an in-depth analysis but just some thoughts I’ve had when trying to think about the actions of my own WS.
Originally Posted by Almostrecovered View Post
not many addicts recover on their first attempt either and a lot never do
I definitely see the similarities between cheating and addiction when looking back and remembering how delusional my own thinking was when I used to smoke.
Despite the health risks, the awful smells, not being able to breathe, smell or taste well, having less cardiovascular endurance, feeling socially isolated by having to go outside to smoke, having less money, feeling pathetic when standing in the rain or snow in order to get my fix etc. etc., I still found ways to justify it and to convince myself that "I liked to smoke. Smoking tastes good (after trying one after a year or so, no it doesn't!). It relaxes me....etc."
I was able to ignore all the harm it was doing because the irrational beliefs I held and the lies I told myself in order to keep smoking.
In reality, the pleasure I got from smoking was an illusion. In the words of Allen Carr, "Smoking is like wearing tight shoes so it feels good when you take them off”.
And when it comes to smoking, I think this kind of irrational thinking is not too different than the "love" or pleasure someone experiences from cheating.
I think one of the reasons that so many WS’s try to cake-eat even after their D-Day is because not only have they become invested in their affair partner(s), but they’ve also become extremely invested in their distorted rationalizations and justifications for cheating
. They had to spend an awful long time lying to themselves; blaming their unhappiness on their spouse and other outside factors and failing to have the introspection, insight and maturity to look inwards and deal with themselves.
Moreover, during the affair, they HAVE TO continue to lie to and delude themselves in order to continue making such hurtful choices and justifying their behaviour. For some, even upon discovery and seeing the pain and destruction they’ve caused their spouse and their family, they can’t "snap out of it"
right away (hence the fog) and for many, not at all
... <-As an aside, this idea also reminds me of the smokers I’ve seen who have tracheotomies and yet continue to smoke! For some there really is no bottom.
Anyway, you can take the above with a grain of salt.... like I said earlier, I’m still trying to figure this out...