Hi,
My husband of 20+years is constantly complaining about my lack of sex drive.I just don't have the energy or desire right now. He has been a HUGE burden on me after losing his vision and now expects me to work. Here is my question.After being mailed some very intimate e-mails between my husband and this woman I think he has been seeing by her now ex, I was told by both of them the e-mails were forged. That was 2 years ago. He said he likes to walk late at night with his cane because there is less traffic and he cant sleep. 2 weeks ago I found a sex toy hidden in the bedroom i asked him if this woman got it for him - he cant go anywhere unless I take him and in our small town we do not have sex shops. He said he got it before he lost his vision because i don't have sex enough. He has often been going for walks when I am asleep - like 2 in the morning using his cane because he claims it is safer with less traffic. Well, last week I started calling him at 6am - 8am and he did not pick up. My mom drove to the coffee shop to look for him(not there) and at 8:15 when I drove into the bank to withdraw his disability this woman drives out and he is at the banking machine. He admitted he was with her but they were only sitting in her driveway drinking coffee.She used to be our neighbor and they have always enjoyed talking. Part of me wants to believe him because at 42 I really do not feel like going back to work. After all he has disability right now! I also don't feel like putting up with 4 kids on my own.I can't do everything in the house on my own. Should I believe what he said? Should I push it further (he flips when I mention her name). Am I handling the situation in the correct way by not letting him out of my sight? Any help is appreciated.
Thank you."
Wow, you have a lot going on and a lot to consider...I'm pretty sure it's not safer to go walking in the middle of the night blind or not unless you live on a deserted island and can feel the water at your feet to let you know you won't drown.
If you are working again, raising four kids and trying to take care of your husband, I can understand why you don't have much libido. And by being blind I guess he has a lot of time to sit around and think about sex...not a good combination.
Unless you have dynamic proof of an affair, it's best not to accuse. You do have a lot of circumstantial evidence though and if you feel in your heart that he is cheating then chances are good that he is...
I would be very worried about my spouse, blind or no, that was gone in the middle the night or early morning, especially if they left and I didn't know about them leaving.
I would not believe what he say in earnest...and not letting him out of your sight is a start...but I think you two need to communicate more here...for starters.
Try and find some common ground where the sex is concerned...and not sure what kind of sex toy he has...but eeewww!
You may have to make a decision you don't want to make...either you live with everything that's going on or you decide that you don't want to live with it and get an exit plan together.
Oh, and don't let anyone guilt you into doing something you don't want to do because he is blind...he can "see" exactly what he is doing...
I don't understand some parts of your post, but it appears you are being had. Are you at home with him during the day? Or are you already working? Sorry to say this, but those night walks sound like a bunch of BS to me. He's probably cheating. Get some hard evidence on what he is doing on these walks--follow him! Then, if you want to toy with him a bit, ask plenty of questions (in conversations, of course). A cheater always lies to cover, and it gets interesting how they can't keep their stories straight. Once you have proof, nail him!
Hi Country Girl,
I quit my pt job in hopes of starting a painting business and because of the economy I am away from the house maybe 3 days a month so for the most part I am at home with him all of the time. Before he lost his vision he worked full time and I did not work. Before I found the toy I would go see friends or jog every day but don't trust him enough at this point to even do this! He keeps wanting to talk about it but I dont because he denies he was cheating yet will turn around and say"why do YOU think people have affairs. In other words is but is not admitting it. Uggg - so FRUSTRATED!
The toy- I know in my heart she bought it for him! Also starting to add up the fact he has not so much as asked for sex in 8 months!
You need to gather more specific evidence than sex toy. He does seem to be BSing you about the late night walks though. On the one hand, why so late? On the other hand, what's the difference to a blind man--it's all dark!
The biggest thing is where is he going on these walks?
This would be the easiest thing to verify. I mean, get someone you trust to follow him. Or hire a private eye.
Your suspicion on how he acquired the sex toy is pretty thin. It is a gut feeling, not necessarily how he got it. He could have had it delivered. And he really could have had it a long time. and yes, someone could have gotten it for him.
Not having sex for so long is not good for either of you. If you are tired, change something. If you are waiting for him to ask for it, stop that, you ask for it.
He going blind is a huge, huge adjustment for you both.
He may be handling it badly and cheating. But you do not know for sure.
You need to gt a full time job if he cannot work. Sorry, but that is true. If you have to have day care, get it.
His disability payments can't really be enough to do more than scrape by.
This will accomplish two things: 1, give you financial freedom to make changes in your life. 2, allow you to not rely on the unreliable.
If he is cheating, this needs to be brought out into the bright light of the truth. Bliind or not, he does not get a pass for it.
Marriage counseling for the potential cheating and the sexless state of your marriage is really needed at this point.
You are mad that you do not have the cozy life you once did while he worked.
So does he have a brail keyboard to send these e-mails with?
He may be having an affair, this other woman doesn't seem to care that he is blind, seems like you are blaming him for his condition, that you now have to work.
I see allot of red flags here, you are looking for a way out of your relationship.
He just may be having an affair, but maybe he is wallowing in self pitty since he is now blind and has to use a cane to walk, also for those non-lind people, walking anight is probably safer, becuase the sunlight is not hurting his eyes and if it is a small town he is not likely to encounter any problems.
But I would not disagree with him having an affair, he may ahve been doing it for years if this other woman has always been his friend, maybe she has better connections with him.
I personally think you are just looking for a way out because you are not happy and you need to blame him.
Need to Know the Truth
