Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Question About Sex and the Affair - Do I ask specific details?

21K views 47 replies 42 participants last post by  Zak68 
#1 · (Edited)
The thoughts of my wife's affair have been driving me crazy. I seem to be obsessed with replaying the sexual act over and over again in my head.

Do you think it would be more hurtful (to me) if I asked her specific questions about the sex? I want to know how big he was. If she did/got oral? Did he use a condom? Did he make her cum?

I don't know If I just want to hurt even more but I just want some facts with the imagery that I'm created in my head.

Part of me thinks it's a bad idea but I'm consumed by it? As sick as it may sound, I for whatever reason was slightly turned on and then immediately disgusted when I think about the betrayal.
 
#2 ·
Sorry you are here. Nothing prepares you for this pain. Many people get wrapped up in the details and can't rest without knowing. Sounds like that is you. I on the otherhand really wasn't interested.
If she is truly remorseful, she should oblige your requests to learn what YOU feel you need to know.

Good luck
 
#4 ·
I got all the details. Took me a while to get them all, with the TT...

And it hurt. And yes, I got very angry, and had A LOT of mind movies, and it killed me.

Here is how I got through it:
I bought some dry wall, and hung it in my garage.
Then I talked to my wife, and got the details until I couldn't take it anymore, then I went into the garage, and punched holes in it. And it really did help. Got the pain out.
Also bought a phone book, and tried to rip it in half. I failed almost every single time (until I bought a smaller one, a MUCH smaller one) but it does help to relieve tension.

But it just takes time. Look at the bright side. You can take all the time you want.
 
#6 ·
I asked and asked until I had all the answers I needed. Then I accepted that even though I thought that things had gone further and he wouldn't admit it....in my mind it had.

Now I am stuck on what did I do that helped him get to the choice to cheat and what can I do to prevent it in the future.

All this and only almost 3 months out. I have a long way to go still. And so do you.
 
#7 ·
Thankfully, I haven't had to go down this road, but I would want to know every single detail. Knowing if she did more with him than with me would help me decide on R or not. I know that sounds strange but it would give me an indication as to where I stand with her. However, I don't know how I would deal with the images.
 
#9 · (Edited)
Men are visual creatures. Knowing the graphic details could really put a wedge in your reconciliation efforts. It will definitely make you resent her more and the sex excruciating. I know one member here who said making love to his wife was never the same again. He pictures other women to numb the mental images.

However other people like you hinted, got turned on by it or managed to cope in the end.

I personally wouldn't recommend knowing the graphics details but I understand that the paranoia overwhelms you.

The mental images from my ex's PA was one of the main reasons why I walked in the end.
 
#11 ·
I never ask my wife what they did. I really did not think that would halp with R in anyway. I have read were some guys want to know so they can repeat what OM did. I am not sure how that helps anything. To me you start seeing mini movie in your head of other OM and wife.
I just left it as they had sex. How does not matter.

What I found to help me was do things to make me feel better. Went to shooting range, workout,play PC game I like, read a book. I tired to replace my pain with things I love and not go down the path of destruction. Like drugs, alcholol, binge eating ,etc.

You know what it really did help me!
 
#12 ·
My friend, what you're doing is crying out in pain.

Asking if the OM wore a condom should be a standard question to ask,
just due to the fact that your health was compromised and thrown aside for her thrill ride.

You deserve to know that much. The other things though... penis size, orgasms, positions... man, I can't see how that would help anything, but to each their own on that one.

Only you can answer that question.

If you feel the need to know all of the dirty details, then
naturally you should prepare yourself for the worst.

Only you can decide if you could live with it or not... not any of us.

I'm sorry, but that's the extent of it.
 
#38 ·
I can tell you honestly why I asked for every single detail.. I knew that she had been with other men not how many times or for how long etc etc..
If I do not know with very great detail everything that they did and everything that they did not do etc.. my mind will fill in the blanks and its far worse than what actually happened (or at least what she says really happened) The problem that you will have is trickle truth, they never come right out and say what happened etc..
I had to have her repeat the story over and over again asking questions and remembering everything that she said and trap her in her lies in order to get the truth. She claimed that I was interrogating her instead of talking and I suppose that she was correct, however if she had told the truth the repeated questions would not have been necessary. I finally told her that the repeated lies were damaging me and any chance that we had to have any kind of relationship going forward and gave her one final chance to come clean.
I do not know if what she eventually gave me as her story is real but she did give me lots of information that I did not previously have and she spend a couple of hours thinking and writing it all out. She says that she remembered things that she previously had forgotten and that she wrote everything she remembers down for me.

I can tell you when you ask for everything and then get it that its a good and bad thing.. first you hopefully know everything and secondly you know everything.
 
#13 ·
I did not ask for details, and I am glad for that. She popped a few out in the heat of interrogation, and they made images and movies that I would torment myself with. To me the details didn't matter, just the fact that it happened is bad enough. I did badger her into admitting that it was the best sex she'd had (no big surprise, there was so much pent up baggage and frustration between us we hardly touched each other anymore), and told her good, then she wouldn't wonder what she missed out on. Then I educated myself, and showed her what good sex is, not some ********* acting out his favourite porn scenes.
 
#32 ·
I did not ask for details, and I am glad for that. She popped a few out in the heat of interrogation, and they made images and movies that I would torment myself with. To me the details didn't matter, just the fact that it happened is bad enough. I did badger her into admitting that it was the best sex she'd had (no big surprise, there was so much pent up baggage and frustration between us we hardly touched each other anymore), and told her good, then she wouldn't wonder what she missed out on. Then I educated myself, and showed her what good sex is, not some ********* acting out his favourite porn scenes.
You sound a lot like my B1..... good for you... good for you! (And for your wife!!!) ;)
 
#15 ·
What do you think happened between your wife and her lover?


Pretty much the same thing you do to your wife during sex I suppose - so not need for extra spice in that affair.

I suppose it would hurt more if you know that your wife enjoyed sex more with this other guy rather than you?

but for your future reference, you wanted to know the details because it would remind you of where your weaknesses are exactly during the process of sexual intercourse?
 
#29 ·
Errrr not necessarily.

There are numerous incidents where the WW would not entertain much more than standard sex with hubby but indulged in wild monkey sex, BJs and anal with the OM. One poor chap said to his WW that to reconcile he wanted what the OM had enjoyed. She blurted out "I'm not doing anal" I mean WTF she would do all that with some POS but not her loyal hard working hubby?
And some people need to know the details to process what happened, some times the mind movies are worse than what actually happened.
 
#16 ·
The details....
My wife had a 15mo EA\PA. There were a lot of details. YES, I asked for the details you mentioned and got them and more. I asked until, like Juicer said, I couldn't take it anymore.

It's NOT for everyone, and it's a huge mixed bag of good and bad. On one hand if your wife gives you the details you know she isn't lying to you and is being honest, holding nothing back, that part does make you feel better, getting the truth and knowing the whole truth.

However, the details will HAUNT you for a long time, I am 3mo down the road from Dday and it's better but it still haunts me.

For me, I am glad I got the details, I am glad it's ALL out there and I know my wife isn't lying to me or TT'ing me. I have it all. Sure there or more details I could get, it was 15mo, they had 60-70 encounters so there is always more. If I ask she tells, If I don't ask she doesn't and this works for us. We are in the middle of R, and actually doing very well.

If you ask for the details be prepared to hurt worse, and make sure you are ready to handle those details. My counselor is HIGHLY against getting the details, other counselors I have heard are too. many DO NOT recommend it. If you want to R, then it's not a good idea they say. Just know your spouse did A-Z, if you know they had sex then you assume they did oral, different positions etc.

It's all about moving forward if you want to work it out, getting the deatils is going backwards in a way. Also another thing that will happen is that you will compare, you will start comparing yourself to the AP which isn't good. But you will do it.

Some things will be as bad as you thought, others wont be, i.e. the mixed bag I was talking about.
 
#17 ·
Another question that you have to ask yourself is whether or not you will feel you have ALL the details, or will you always feel there was something else not told to you.

I answered all of my wife's questions honestly, but she always feels there was more. There wasn't. But she doesn't buy it.

I realize her not accepting what I've told her is part of the lost trust that happens after an affair and you have to recognize that. If you are never satisfied with the answers, it will always haunt you. If you can accept what she says as her giving you 100% of the truth, you may be able to move on after asking.
 
#18 ·
I never really asked for specifics. But I was able to read more then a few text messages from the D O U C H E B A G OM, where he was basically apologizing for his performance. :rofl: so i took that, and ran with it.

Lets just say I try to make it point to make sure my wife is very taken care of now.


Just me, but I don't need the graphic details. I don't know how it could help.
 
#19 ·
I've don't have experience with this, but if my wife cheated on me I would want to know as much detail as possible. The mind is a funny thing, and if you don't get the actual information your mind will fill in the gaps. I know that I would have a lot of mind movies and my mind movies would be horrible for me. I would imagine that the OM would be better than me in EVERYTHING and would have done more things with my wife than we ever did, without protection, ejaculating inside her, etc. etc. For me, knowing all of the details would like diminish the effectiveness of some of these movies that will play in your head. At least with details you could curtail some of the mind movies. If your worst case fears prove to be true, then you at least know beyond a shadow of a doubt. JMO.
 
#21 ·
Like everyone else here sorry for your loss, been close to 5 months for me slowly it does get better, get ready for some ups / downs / whatever.
One thing I have tried to focus on is that nothing that is said, or that your CS does will change what has happened. No matter how much you blame yourself (hopefully you don't, while you may have contributed to her feelings SHE made the decision to cheat), no matter how much she does for you to make it up IT WILL ALWAYS BE THERE, it happened if she wants to stay and goes through the steps to help the recovery then that's great.
Now to your point, write down your questions helps you focus, then give it to her and let her give you answers, my wife wrote her answers down as well. Be prepared for her not to talk about his size (she may) but if she realizes she has already destroyed you she may just say he was average or whatever to not hurt you more. Mine told me it wasn't emotional, romantic, there wasn't the intensity or closeness that we share helped a bit, but I did ask for other details (positions, condom of course, anything I wanted), be prepared you will not like any of her answers not matter what she says.
Unless she was a virgin when you got married she did have sex with other men, do your best to treat the sex her and the OM had like you would anyone she was with before you, but treat her breaking your wedding vows and betraying you as the horrible sin it is.
Still bothers me especially when we have sex so I am one to give advice but I try every day so that's all you can do.
 
#23 ·
I didn't ask. I don't want to know the details.
My advice to you is oh ask the questions you really ea t the answers too.
I also ask myself if knowing the answer to a certain question is going to hurt me or help me. If the answer is hurt me then I'll sleep on it for a couple of nights and only then if it's still bothering me will I ask the details.
I know my H had sex with her. I don't need the details, but I appreciate some do.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#25 · (Edited)
I wanted to know everything.....period. I asked and investigated, had her take a poly, and then did it all again, because I wanted there to be NOTHING more to imagine, and I wanted only ONE d-day, not many because of TT or things she "forgot", or didn't want to "hurt me more" with , or was "too ashamed", to tell me. I wanted it all on the table, BEFORE I made the decision to R or D. THEN, I set the conditions for R. She kept most of them, too, but broke two. She contacted the OM to get "closure", and she withheld some info that I found out from another source. I was then able to divorce her with the knowledge that I did my best and was honest and open with her , until the end. OP, you do what you feel is best.
 
#27 · (Edited)
Originally I wanted to know everything. My STBXWW TT'd me to death. She wouldn't even tell me how many times or where. I did ask if they used protection and by the guilty look on her face it was obvious that they didn't. When ever I would ask her a question she would freeze up, go silent and stare at the floor...frustrating!

4 months after D day #2, thinking it was just a EA, I contacted her OM's wife. She sent me thousands of messages that she saved off his computer. This was painful stuff to read proving it was a PA. There were some details in there...but not everything. I realized at this time that I didn't want all of the nasty details. I did make a list of questions that I needed answered in order to stay married to her. What I had read was bad enough. A one hundred foot view would have been enough...hell, honesty and a willingness to open up may have been enough. Sadly, she could not bring herself to do that.

I don't know if she was forthright with the answers to my questions if it would have saved our marriage or not. I think the honesty would have been a big help and possibly given her an opportunity to show some remorse. The fact that her sharing these secrets with me would have in some way been considered a emotionally intimate act and may have brought us closer. Without openness, this was all a big secret that only they shared.

On the other hand, too many details may have been fatal for me as well. Knowing what they did, how many times, positions, sizes, locations, dates, times, what she wore...etc would have burned into my mind. I will never know if that would have been survivable. Just knowing what I read was bad enough. It is debatable if the nasty details would have helped us in any way.

I am torn on knowing the details. I think the best possible way to do this would have been starting on D day #1, with her telling me everything I wanted to know. That way I would have gotten the entire story all at once. I could have decided if it was too much to stay or not. I do believe it was possible to R knowing all the details but I needed complete openness and honesty from the start.

I decided last March to file and D her after a year of her putting in no effort towards R. She ended up not giving me any real answers except what I found out on my own.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top