The title says it all. We were newly weds and i got sent to afghanistan. She moved on base towards the end of my tour and had a PA with a core-men (medic). I had my suspisions but she swore that nothing ever happened. We bought a house and had a child. 2 years later she tells me about it. WTF am I to do? I know the guy she introduced him as a friend of hers. She told he brother and his babies momma while the affair was on going! Half her family thought she had and never said anything to me! It's been 9 months since D day and i still get sick about it. Im going slowly mad over this. Since D day we have been moved overseas. I cant get a divorce while overseas so im stuck here for 3 years with her. I cant help but replay what i think they did in my head over and over again. I have asked her what exactly happened but she claims she cant remember all of it. The pain never goes away. It wont stop, I put a fake smile on every day at work. I just want the wife i thought I had back. In this case ignorance is bliss.
First of all thank you for your service and sacrifice. You aren't going to get back the wife or the marriage you had. Sometimes ignorance is bliss, if you can live with uncertainty, which all of us do to some degree. Please look into counseling services available on your base. I'd start by yourself, and once you have a handle on your feelings and whether you want to continue the marriage, couples counseling may be helpful. My prayers are with you.
Why did she decide to confess?
Is she remorseful?
How her family are behaving? Amyone apolo˝gized for having you in the dark?
What are her reasons/excuses? Why did she involve her family in the mess?
Has her done any kind of work to affair proff herself? Readings? IC?
We did the counseling thing, it helped for awhile but it doesn't anymore. I still love her in a way but im upset with myself for it.
I get the being upset with yourself. You have to get past that. She made the choices that you are living with today. All of them bad. It was selfish on her part.
It is never to late to take some steps. If the other POS is still in the service. Expose him to his CO. Tell her family that are out of your lives. They knew about the A and they did nothing and kept you in the dark.
Thank you for your service and I am sorry you are going through this.
SHe confessed by accident. I asked her as a joke if she had cheated on me and it caught her by surprise. All she could say was that she was sorry. The POS is not still in the military he got kicked out. I have to get a divorce from the state that we were married in. I do not interact with her family much but she does 24/7/ She and they say it was not their place to tell me about the affair. Her reasons were that we were newly married and she didn't know that sex and love should be in the same boat. She was lonely and missed me just wanted me home. I never "listened" while on the phone, and this guy was there for her. They guy sent her a pic of his junk and her brothers baby momma saw it so she told the both of them as if it were no big deal. This is the guy im cheating on my husband with while he is trying not to get blown up. Her family doesn't give to sh!ts. She has said she is sorry and wishes she could take it back. idk if i believe her though how can I after this.
For starters I would inform her family that they are no longer welcome in your home. If any of them were are your wedding, part of being there is pledging to stand behind the marriage. They betrayed that pledge as it was their place very much to tell you. Instead they took the cowards way out.
And really, she didn't see sex , love, and being a faithful wife as linked? Then why didn't she tell you before she was going to cheat, or during it?
A while back i went to the guys house and confronted him. He lied to my face said he didnt know what i was talking about. that my wife came onto him and he left that was it. That she was just messing with me. I just walked away! this dude slept with my wife knowing she was married and i just walked away! I am so mad with myself for not doing anything. They both gat away with it. Im the victim and im the only one who gets punished and whom hurts! I play it over and over again in my head of what i wish i would have done to this guy. why didnt i do it? i was a little b!tch about it.
First off, thank you for your service. You are doing a job that very few people can do. And you are doing it with an emotional load that cripple others. You are trully a man among men.
Also you want to bury this guy in the ground. Fair enough.
But let me tell ya, I did that with my wife's OM. And let's see here, how did it end...
I had to call in a favor from a detective that I know (he owed me a big favor so got the charges I had to go to court for went down to 1) and he also let me just pay the fines, and not go to jail.
But the fines, plus lawyer fees after the charge was overturned came to $85,000.
Now, I know you military guys don't make that much, so I am willing to bet you probably don't have that lying around somewhere.
So, then you would be in a military court, and probably hung out to dry. I hate the legal system, and I am sorry this had to happen.
Now, as for your wife:
Can you get her in big trouble for this?
Because I heard some story about how some guy found out his wife was cheating on him with another guy in the military. The betrayed husband went to his Sgt., told him, and now the betrayed husband is a free man. He owes his wife nothing, who cares what happened to her, and the guy she was with? Well, he is doing time up in Leavenworth.
The guy also lived in Texas, and I know they don't look to kindly on alimony laws there, but I am hoping when something like this happens, it is applies every where.
So you might try taking this to your officer, and telling him you can prove that this has been happening. I would first though, maybe try to get her admit that she did it. And maybe get some guys from your unit to listen in, or get a VAR if you can. Get some evidence. Because you want to make sure she can't come after any of the benefits you are entitled to, or your retirement benefits, and then let's get this medic a bunk mate up in Leavenworth.
And I am curious, maybe someone knows:
I know that child molestors and rapist aren't looked upon to favorably in prison. I hope the same holds true for men that have sex with the wives of military men.
You come from the military. You will have a discipline that most people won't, and employeers kill for people like you. Ones that are disciplined, loyal, able to stand their own, men of iron.
Also, you are young! I am guessing you aren't even 30! You have a nice long life ahead of you. Being in the military means: you are fit, eat healthy, and know that eating healthy is important. So with today's technology, and medicine, you'll live to be 100+
And here is what you should do once you get out:
See if you can live on base, then use your military benefits and go to school. Try a community college, find out what you want to do, get your classes done, then transfer, and get into a program. Business, law, engineering, medicine, whatever you want to do. You have the discipline to study and work hard. And once you have that discipline, you can go anywhere.
Yes, life right now for you, sucks!
But life loves to take turns.
And I am willing to bet, if you do the above, go to school get an education, become whatever you want to be (an accountant, a lawyer, a banker) you will start making money, and you will be the biggest catch there is. A man of iron that can hold his own, and a man that has a future. Before you know it, you'll have women banging on your door every night of the week.
It is just your job to sift through them. Toss out the gold diggers, the tramps, the ****s, those without morals, those that cheat when life gets hard. You want to find a woman of integrity.
And I don't know if you are religious, but there is a little comic I always find interesting and uplifting:
There is a man walking and talking with God in Heaven. And he asked God, "I know you were there when my life was easy, and I could hear you, and I felt like you had my back when times were good. But where were you when my life got hard? When my life became almost impossible to bear?"
God looked at the man, then said "I walked with you everywhere, you just didn't always see me." God then looks around, and shows the man a green and beautiful pasture, saying "I walked with you through that beautiful plain, when life was going great for you." Then God turns, and shows the man a very rocky and dangerous path right before the pasture, and says "And that is where I had to drag you through before I could get you to that pasture."