I didn't cheat, but understandable she thinks I did.
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » I didn't cheat, but understandable she thinks I did.

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 05-11-2009, 10:30 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I didn't cheat, but understandable she thinks I did.

Let me start off here with some back ground. When I married my wife, I really wasn't ready for it, but thought it was the right thing to do. (I love our son, (not my blood) but he is my son and I wanted to be a provider for them.) It has now been roughly 3 years that I have been for lack of a better term floating through our marriage. I lied about drinking, I lied about drugs, I have since started being honest with her about it. We have also had a great deal of problems with our sex life, (stemming from physical and chemical problems with my wifes body) and I built up alot of resentment over it. Here is the thing, I created some accounts on some affair websites. I did it on her computer, without deleting browsing history or cookies or anything else. I did it for what I can only justify as a want to hurt her back. This was because regardless of what the reality is, I felt like her lack of interest in our love life was an indication of her lack of love for me. (MY wife loves me more than I could express) Now after creating these accounts, I really thought about our relationship, and I came to realize how much I love her and how good our relationship. I then really started making an effort to show how much I love her and prove that we would work this out. Well after an eventful weekend of trying to really show my wife how much I love her ( a successful weekend) she found the websites that I had visited, and was understandably hurt. I LOVE MY WIFE SO MUCH, I HATE MYSELF AS I SIT HERE CRYING AND WRITING THIS LETTER. I HATE MYSELF FOR FINALLY DECIDING WHAT I WANT AND THAT SOMETHING I DID BEFORE I CAME TO THIS REALIZATION IS SCREWING EVERYTHING UP. Does any one have any suggestions..... I told her she can ask anything of me and I will do it to prove I really mean business this time.
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Old 05-11-2009, 11:37 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I didn't cheat, but understandable she thinks I did.

you should rent fireproof if u havent seen it already. It really shows how you should keep trying and have faith in God that all will be fine, be honest w her and ask her what is it that bothers her so u can work on it.
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Old 05-12-2009, 12:17 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I didn't cheat, but understandable she thinks I did.

I also never mentioned any of the things that drove me to think about going to a site like this. It isn't jus thypo thyroidism, it has always been something, (she was only recently diagnosed.) she was ptsd then this and then that, always stopping meds after a while. She told me once to get a mistress if I was so sexually unsatisfied, shortly after I told her once every other month was a problem. This hurt me soooo bad, I felt like she was saying, you are just cheaper rent to me. I know that's probably not what she meant, but it hurts all the same. The most recent was this last friday I made babysitting arrangements, I made arrangements to work a morning shift.
I tricked her into thinking I just had early errands to run,
I made reservations at tucci's
I suprised her at work, while I was on the phone with her (on my imaginary break) with flowers
and had makeup a change of clothes, hair stuff, and her car out front waitingI took her for coffee, then shopping for shoes and a book for her, then to dinner
and bought her 80$ worth of italian food and the like
half or so was mind
and then after all that we got home an hour before we were due to pick the kids up, and she only wanted to read
not even talk with me or anything
I don't know if it's on purpose
but I feel so damn alone right now
**** like this has been going on (to varying degrees) for 3 years
and so I did what I did
I won't justify it I just want my wife to love me, and to feel loved in return. NOw I feel like I ruined all chance, what do I do.,,,...
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Old 05-12-2009, 06:53 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I didn't cheat, but understandable she thinks I did.

Nothing, quit chasing her. You're feeling this way because of her denial of your emotional needs. Listen to me. A man judges the quality of his marriage by having intercourse with his wife. THIS IS A FACT. Once every other month tell you that you have a crappy marriage. Women judge the quality of their marriage by communication. By that dinner. You sent her a communication saying that you love and care for her. She sent it back by saying. She doesn't give a damn, she will do what she wants. She will take what you give her, and give back as little as possible. My wife did the same to me after my son was born. Her father died and she went into a deep depreciation. This lasted for 6 months. After trying everything, I packed, left and lived with my brother. After 1 week. She was begging me to come home. And would come over and make love, all the time, with my boy in his car seat, turned the other way. We just had our 29the anniversary. My point is this. You are recognizing where your life needed to change and are making the changes. Your wife needs to change too. The next time you want SF (sex fun). Maybe she will remember just how easy it is to find someone else. Personally, I would give her space, by going to live with a friend or relative, till she decides what she wants out of your marriage. JMHO

Last edited by Initfortheduration; 05-12-2009 at 06:59 AM.
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Old 05-12-2009, 07:50 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I didn't cheat, but understandable she thinks I did.

Well today, I got nothing but stuff like " I don't think we will make it, I can't trust you" " Now I wonder if you really were working late or if you were out doing soemthing else" *She workes the same job as me on direct deposit and should there for be able to tell if I was there for those hours if she was so inclined. I honestly feel that I have the patience of a saint after 3 years of living like this (with a 6 month stint of no sex whatsoever in there). I haven't cheated, yes it crossed my mind, but I haven't. To be fair I don't know what she expects, every other man she has ever been with woul dhave been ****ing around on her for years now and I haven't. I get told that I am the best man she has ever known and then I get treated like garbage. I thought about this alot recently and I am starting to wonder if it really is just me or if she doesn't actually love me. I am not saying what I did is justifiable, maybe just understandable considering the circumstances. I mean lets face it, do any of you know any men that would have stayed faithful through this. I am inclined to go with initforthedurations advise at this point. Even if she doesn't come running back it will at least let her reprioritize, I just don't want to be miserable any more in my marriage.
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Old 05-14-2009, 06:47 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I didn't cheat, but understandable she thinks I did.

The best way to regain her trust is to become transparent. Give her access to everything. Don't delete your txt/email/history/etc and show her you have ZERO to hide. The quickly you do this the better.
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Old 05-14-2009, 12:39 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I didn't cheat, but understandable she thinks I did.

I actually already offered her the user names and passwords to said internet sites, as well as told her she can ask anything of me and i will provide whatever evidence or what not she could want. She refused..... I am just at the end of my rope here, I feel like I am being punished for something that I never actually did. Sure I went to a cheating website, but I did it on our home computer, that she is administrator of. With the knowledge that she audits our internet usage when she deletes the cookies, history, and runs the various anti-spyware\virus...and the like. I want her to trust me but I also want her to see how hard she is making this marriage on me. I will stay faithful, because in all honesty even if another woman threw themselves at me I love my wife and I only want to be with her. But this is starting to really get to me. I know alot of people live in marriages that are sex-starved, but this has been going on the whole time we were married for the love of god. When we dated my wife wanted and actually initiated the love making alot of the time. Now I feel like I just get obligitory sex, in a few days we are coming up on 2 months now without even so much as a tongue kiss let alone anything else. She even told me one time that she used to put out so often because she wanted me to like her. Well I already liked her, that was why I was around in the first place. I feel like she tricked me sometimes, I still want to be with her but now I feel like she was never actually attracted to me. Like it was a chore that she had to do to get me to stay, and now that we are married she doesn't give a ****. I am so lonely, and she treats me like a ****ing sex fiend....... Is it so bad that I want to feel like my wife wants me, is it so bad that I feel like a married couple should be lovers and best friends...... I have made alot of effort for these years to be understanding of the conditions that she always has. Or her always being tired, or the outright refusal to even consider our love life. I feel like I have been growing apart from her. I know sex isn't everything, but comeon who out there can honestly say that when they are with the one person they love more than any other person (notwithstanding my kids) That they would want an entirely platonic relationship. I am starting to drift out of love with her, I consider somtimes how much better I might feel if I was just friends with her instead of husband to her. That way at least I might be able to find some one who WANTS to be with me. Should I just get out now..before I resent her to the point that I start hating her?
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