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wife cheated on me 15 years ago.just found out.

75K views 104 replies 46 participants last post by  lovelygirl 
#1 ·
we have 2 beautiful children.we have been married 31 years i dont know how to accept this.dont know if i should stay or go.children are not at home any more.hate my wife one minute want to kill her the next then i want to love her.this has been more than i can stand.she says it only happened one time.
 
#3 ·
I suspected that my wife did the same. But she never admitted anything.

How did you find out? Was it an on-going affair or a one night stand type of thing? What has your wife said? How was your marriage since this happened?

Now the hard question - are you sure that the children are yours?

It all boils down to what do you want to do. You probably feel like you have been living a lie for the last 15 years.

A little more info might help.
 
#5 · (Edited)
sure my children are mine.thier looks and ages vouch for that .we were having an argument and she let it slip.i know about everything there is to know about it who it was,the city the motel and she swears it was one time thing.she is a good christian woman.but i dont know if i can trust her again or if i really want to at this point.she really seems like she wants to make our marrage work.in fact she has been wonderful to me all these years.if she had not let it slip i would have never expected it.i do feel like i have been living a lie and been made a fool.
 
#13 ·
sure my children are mine.thier looks and ages vouch for that .we were having an argument and she let it slip.i know about everything there is to know about it who it was,the city the motel and she swears it was one time thing.she is a good christian woman.but i dont know if i can trust her again or if i really want to at this point.she really seems like she wants to make our marrage work.in fact she has been wonderful to me all these years.if she had not let it slip i would have never expected it.i do feel like i have been living a lie and been made a fool.
Religion aside. Had she been a good Christian woman, she wouldn't have cheated in the first place.
Being religious doesn't guarantee faithfulness. Actually, many times, people hide behind the fact that they are "religious" to cover their wrongdoings.
 
#6 ·
Ask your wife to take a polygraph test. There a few hundred dollors.

Only you can deside whats best, especially when you don't know what you are forgiving her for or what you are kicking her out for?

Was it a ONS (one night stand) or was it a LTR long term relationship) and they only slept together once?


Was it with a group of poeple and she was with them only once?



My point is what are your realy kicking her out for or forgiving her for? Then you can make a honest dicision about real facts on what/who your wife really is.
 
#9 ·
Get the Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

Schedule a ploygraph the tell WW when the appointment is. All WW trickle truth a little bit before the appointment Promising that they have told everything now no need for the test. This is to get you to cancel the test keep her from having to tell any more about the affair.

OMW needs to be told about the affair.
 
#25 · (Edited)
No, she isn't.

Sorry, but christian or no, good women don't cheat on their husbands. Also you're minimizing it.

It wasn't a mistake that she cheated, she willfully chose to cheat. At that moment, your marriage was 2nd place and thats a fact.

She also didn't respect you enough to come clean about it and hid it for 15 years out of fear of you leaving her.

Manipulation.

Sorry, but you saying shes a good christian woman is a paradox mate.

Only answer is, shes not.

Also, no matter what the situation you're never expected to forgive. Only one who can give it or withhold it is you, so only you can decide.
 
#17 ·
You haven't given the experts on here much to go on. (I'm not one of them BTW)

Would be useful if you posted a slightly more detailed account including your wifes reactions after she realised her disclosure hurt you.
They can then give you some good advice. However if you are only here to vent then vent away, it's all good.
 
#18 ·
:QUOTE=tdwal;1054349]Oh come on, every Christian knows that we are sinful and only through the Grace of God are we redeemed. Anybody has potential to do this, it has nothing to do with being a good or bad Christian.[/QUOTE]

:scratchhead:

yea you can be adultrus and kill nations but on your death bed if you believe then your saved,

king david.


:scratchhead:
 
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#19 ·
Ok my friend,here are some rules:

1. Cheaters always lie
2. One time is almost never one time
3. No matter how bad the marriage was back then you are not and never will be responsible for her affair.
4.Good christian woman can also cheat (its laughable when I hear someone say "my wife is a good christian woman,she would never cheat on me")
5.Threaten with a polygraph test and be serious about it,because most WS tell almost everything after that

Now some advice:

For your wife the affair happened 15 years ago,for you it happened when you discovered it.You mostly feel that you have lived a lie these last 15 years,so I can only advice you to take as much time as you need and decide if you can accept the fact that your wife cheated and lied all this time about it and made a fool of you...I personaly would file for divorce,because I never give a cheater another chance but we are not the same so whatever you decide I wish you luck...
 
#22 ·
Richard, welcome to TAM. Sorry you're here though!

Another good book is "After the Affair". Both of you should read it.

As has been said, to your brain it is as if your wife had her affair today even though to her it is old old history. So you will need time to process all of this new information. You will be re-viewing and re-evaluating your entire relationship in light of the new information. It is normal to do so. And it is also normal to be on a roller coaster for a few months.

The good news is that as far as you believe to be the truth, it was just the one event many years ago, and she has been otherwise a good faithful partner to you for the intervening 15 years. That is important but also a confounding factor. It would be easy to hate her and leave her if the affair really did just happen today.

And in the end you have every right to come to whichever conclusion you find. You may find it unforgivable and thus you cannot continue the marriage. Or you may find it a terrible but forgivable thing she did, and your marriage could even become stronger in the long run as a result. Only time will tell on this one.

My situation is a bit different in that my wife's deceptions were not of an affair, but of other very significant things which rise to the same kind of level of dishonesty. She kept those secrets for over 30 years! She told me a year ago, and I am still undecided and on a roller coaster. So be aware that you are going to be dealing with the emotional fallout for quite a while. The general wisdom is 2 to 5 years to get through it.
 
#24 ·
Beware of the trickle truth - where she only admits a little hoping you won't ask any more questions.

How was it only 1 time.
Did they continue to have lunch etc after wards?
Ask her this: Write down 100 reasons why you should give he another chance?
Ask her this: Write down 100 reasons why you shouldn't go have an affair yourself?
 
#28 ·
LEAVE

RUN

or else you will SUFFER.

You only live once so its best you make good decisions and surround yourself with intelligent people your wife is corrupted. Look man i was a psychologist for a time being i can say without a doubt that people who cheat have huge character flaws and that your wife has always been capable of this. Its best you leave because its unlikely that you will be able to get over it anytime soon and it will be hell trying to do such a thing. Wouldn't you prefer moving on and finding a GOOD woman who want cheat?


Also you say your wife is a "good christian woman"

She must not understand Christianity very well. Her actions will send her to hell and there is nothing she can likely do to change that seeing how cheating shows huge character flaws.


So your wife will "go to hell" according to the very religion she believes in.



Move on man trust me its the best option find a TRUE GOOD WOMAN, someone who CAN BE LOYAL.
 
#45 ·
Honestly, I usually stop myself before making this kind of post, but today I am going to let it rip.

There are at least a dozen reasons that I don't like your comment. One being, with your spelling, grammar and punctuation, I have serious doubts that you have the education required to have ever truly been a psychologist. Two, being that only the OP is in a position to decide, with certainty, if he will "SUFFER" if he doesn't "LEAVE" or "RUN." He may very well, but if he pulls the plug on his, admittedly, good marriage to someone that he deems to be a "good Christian woman" before he has examined the other possibilities, he may suffer, as well. Three, being that intelligent people and unintelligent people, alike, have affairs. Sometimes, otherwise, intelligent people make unintelligent choices. Four, being that good people, sometimes, make bad decisions, and on occasion, bad people have been known to make the random good decision. We simply cannot explain everything in terms of black and white. Life is full of "gray" matter. Five, lots of people have character flaws..... all kinds of character flaws, with cheating being only one example of them. Should we shoot these people all in the head upon immediate discovery of their character flaws or simply ship them off to an island with all of the other people whose character is flawed? Six, your understanding of Christianity troubles me. While God hates all sin, including adultery, he does provide a way for redemption for cheaters and others with character flaws..... which I am certain covers each and every one of us. It is through the acceptance of Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savoir. Everyone sins and has fallen short of the glory of God. Not everyone is going to Hell. While adultery is a sin with devastating consequences to so many people, it is not the unpardonable sin, my friend. Seven,.............. nevermind. :rolleyes:
 
#38 ·
Richard, sorry you are here, but welcome to you. You need to catch your breath, and prepare for what will not be a pleasant experience. Your wife is NOT a good Christian woman. That is the first thing you need to accept. She IS, however, an adulteress, a liar, a disrespecter, and a manipulator, and you need to accept these things as well. Know that everything she says about the affair is probably a lie or an evasion to try to minimize the damage she has caused. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME!!! SHE IS!! The time frame , since the affair, means nothing at all, because you only have her word for it that there were not other affairs, at other times. For your peace of mind, get the Poly done, then grill her repeatedly, until YOU are satisfied that you have gotten ALL of the truth, then realize that even so , there will be some things that she will try to hide. THEN, after you are sure in your mind that you know all, THEN you decide if you want to reconcile or Divorce.
 
#39 ·
Richard, I feel Sorry for what you are facing at this age. My wife has been cheating for me for around 25 years. So I know what you might be feeling. The only difference is that, I KNEW many of her affairs (after they happened. Mostly by other clues or people, and some by her own confessions. All complete PAs, and few EA+PA.).

Anyway, please think:
1. Isn't keeping quiet for 15 years is same as cheating for 15 years?
2. Even before 15 years, your good religious wife could directly jump into bed with someone, only for one day? I don't think she would be that cheap for accepting ONS.
3. Women don't say anything without purpose - even when they are angry. She must have had quite a few arguments before this with you. She didn't speak at that time.

Is she feeling guilty or relieved?
Was the OM in contact with you/your wife/your family for any reason before and after that incident?

I am afraid that what you heard is just a tip of the iceberg. She must have cheated you all along - before that incident, and afterwards. Think 100 times before digging further.
 
#54 · (Edited)
She lied for 15 years. The only reason he knows is because she wanted to hurt him with this.

This may have been one time with one man. BUT, she may have don this at other times with other men as well. Now this could be true of many people but we do not irrational suspect them of cheating without some basis. Finding out about cheating after 15 years is enough to wonder if this was a life style or just a one time choice.

But agina she did not tell you because of guot or to set things right. It was to hurt you. THAT matters.

My main point is that you need to know what the scope of the betrayal is.
Then decide. But above all donot forgive anything until you know what it is you are forgiving.
 
#40 ·
I agree, doesn't matter how long ago it was. It happened and of course you will be devastated.

Take good care of yourself, put yourself first and take your time making decisions.

If I understand correctly, she threw this confession at you in the heat of an argument. That doesn't sound like it was a measured admission of guilt. No remourse in that scenario as far as I can see. She did that to hurt you coz the argument wasn't going her way. I guess she has had that in her back pocket all these years just waiting to wound you with it.

Don't know what this argument was about (tell us if you feel you can) presumably not something petty but in any case, throwing that at you was cruel. Don't get me wrong, I think it's right you know that infidelity took place but that was a wicked, kick in the face, way to find out.

I hope it won't be too long before you get some peace of mind. Meanwhile take good care of yourself and try and find a coping mechanism to help you through.
5 Questions To Ask Yourself Before Forgiving Infidelity
 
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