Getting my wife out of emotional affair
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 09-09-2012, 02:28 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Getting my wife out of emotional affair

My wife posts or posted? on this board as "floxie". I am unaware if she Is still reading on this forum or not, but I do hope so. I suppose there is no need to go into detailed specifics right now, but I can, if neccesary.

The gist is that my wife is in an emotional affair with an ex boyfriend. I do not believe she has ever had sex with this person, including the time they were dating as it was in high school.

My wife had a chronic illness thrust upon her in 2011 that I did not handle very well. Immaturity, anger, resentment and fear crippled me from manning up. She was very ill, and I detached from her and the situation. From her point of view, it seems she saw me as a bully. But I don't believe I was. I did say some inappropriate things, and I was resentful which probably did show through on some level. I do deal with both depression and anxiety on a fairly regualar basis.

My wife, slowly it seems, detached from me and attached herself to this ex. Pouring out her heart to him on facebook and by text message. The conversations were not intimate but did involve her sharing deep felings aboit her health, illness and the state of our marriage. The two would meet for bruch fairly regularly, with my disapproval. I was aware of the venue and did drive by a few times to see if her car was in fact there. It always was. I dropped in once to meet this man, friend of my wife, my wife introduced us but was clearly irritated with my being there.

This emotinal affair now has been going on for almost a year, she is still sick. I have been trying to get her to re attach to me but I feel she will not until this other man is out of the picture. He is filling her emotional needs in a way that I would love to right now. I have experienced so much growth and am ready to be that attentive husband that I know I have not been.

My wife seems unwilling to let go of this friendship "for the sake of her sanity" she says. From reading her journal (started writing it immediately following her illness) it seems that she is fearful of me and considers me "a cold stone only interested in sex" and "emotionally empty incapable of empathy". She also desires to "make live to the man that sees beyond her shattered body", her friend. These words sting to read, but give me insight as well into my wife's mind. They also assure me that she is not having an emotional affair,yet. She does not share these feeling with me, ever. I do believe she attempted to at some point, but I was unable to really hear her or help her. I deeply regret that.

My quesion I suppose is how do I get this man out of my wife's life and her head. More importantly, how do I show her that I am emotionally safe and capable of being everything that this friend is and then some. I do love my wife, she has supported me through so many situations, including a sex addiction with prostitutes, and the subsequent financial troubles that it caused. She has been and is my rock, and a beautiful woman inside and out. I failed her, I recognize that, and I want to make it right. I hope you are reading this, floxie.
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Old 09-09-2012, 02:37 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Getting my wife out of emotional affair

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/search....archid=3640198

Her threads. OP, from what I remember, she has much resentment on how you treated her during her illness. I am not sure if this can be repaired. But any chance would be by showing her that you can be trusted again in the long term
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Old 09-09-2012, 02:47 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Getting my wife out of emotional affair

Are you still living together?
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Old 09-09-2012, 02:50 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Getting my wife out of emotional affair

Looks like she was banned in July.

Sexually Repulsed By Husband... Want to Move on and Don't Know How
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Old 09-09-2012, 04:09 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Getting my wife out of emotional affair

Ouch. She went through a lot, and you didn't help at all.
How do I know? I had her exact same symptoms with that same drug.

You have a long uphill battle to fight.

Please tell her to join the forum again. I've read her story and some were questioning the validity of it. I certainly understand how frustrating that is, because I've been there.

One thing I can tell you is, being healthy one day, and feeling near death the next, is difficult for anyone, let alone being in our 20's. I had a supportive husband, but my illness affected our relationship down the line.
I was not tolerant of wasting time arguing over his petty issues. When this happens, this shakes you to the core. You realize how important life is and how short amount of time we all really have here.

Even if you were the most supportive, she probably would have analyzed the relationship down the line regardless of how you were during. It's just the way it goes.

Please tell her to rejoin the forum. I know exactly what she went through.
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Old 09-09-2012, 05:46 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Getting my wife out of emotional affair

Yea...I remember floxie. I was one who was trying to show her that what she was doing was an EA. Didn't realize she had been banned over a month ago.

Question, shock... why have your posts all been a month apart? With the exception of last month, which had about 3-4 posts in your thread, all the rest have been a month apart. Just curious. And I do recall the first post you made. I wondered, even then, who your wife was. Perhaps you could now give your side of what happened? I know from experience that marital problems get exaggerated when in an EA. So...what did she lie about/exaggerate?

Also, constant_ache, I believe she got a "hard ban" but idk. If so, it might be tough to get reinstated.
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Old 09-09-2012, 05:56 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Getting my wife out of emotional affair

Quote:
She was very ill, and I detached from her and the situation.
And she sought comfort from someone else, in her pain, misery and fear? Someone who did not detach from her and her situation?

I understand why she did that.
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Old 09-09-2012, 06:48 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Getting my wife out of emotional affair

I appreciate everyone's quick responses

Warlock07: I know that she resents me. I am trying so hard to show her that she can trust me. But it seems that she does not want to give me even an inkling of acceptance back into her heart. I feel like I am throwing her a parade and she is looking right past it.

Will kane: we do still live together.

Constant ache: I wasn't there for her. Her illness was as new to her as it was to me. She did become more short with me, calling my issues petty. They did not seem petty to me. The lack of sex, dirty house were genuine issues that I had. It frustrated me and made me angry with her. She has written a lot about that in her journal, about being healthy then suddenly sick. It took a lot of time for the reality of that to soak in for me. It took so long forher to be diagnosed with anything, and she did not look sick. I did believe she was exaggerating it until I joined her online support group.

Maricha75: my posts have been scattered because I did not feel I had a concrete question. And I was unsure if my wife was still reading or posting on this forum. It appears that she is not. In her post titled "sexually repulsed by husband..." I can not see anything she directly lied about except the motvation behind why I did do those things. She seems to think that I did it because I was a bully, cold, heartless, mean. But that was not true. I was scared, shocked, frightened, frustrated and cowardly.

Mattmatt: I understand why she did that as well. I suppose anyone would. But "foxie" is a married woman. And should not have such strong emotional attachments to any man but her husband, me
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Old 09-09-2012, 07:02 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Getting my wife out of emotional affair

You have one card left to play. Show her that you will be fine without her. It may not help because it seems that is exactly what you did when she was ill and she resents you for it.

When you get tired of being the second choice. File for divorce. That might wake her up or might not.
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Old 09-09-2012, 07:30 PM   #10 (permalink)
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You have one card left to play. Show her that you will be fine without her. It may not help because it seems that is exactly what you did when she was ill and she resents you for it.

When you get tired of being the second choice. File for divorce. That might wake her up or might not.
I do not think this is a case for that. I think that will put the final nails in the marriage. I don't think it is his choice anymore really. I think he needs to take a hard look at his life and decide what's important. Then he needs to lay it all on the line for his wife. What really is important, what his hopes and dreams are, what he wants from marriage, how he failed before, what he should have done instead, and how he will behave in the future. Then he needs to ask if she is willing to recommit. If she isn't, they're done anyway. If she does, well then he has to jump back into the marriage 100%, and do his best to be a great husband.
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Old 09-10-2012, 07:57 AM   #11 (permalink)
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TDSC60: I absolutely do not want to file for divorce. My wife brings up divorce in many arguments and I fear that if I file, she'll just say "ok", divorce me and then go live with this man. He seems infatuated with her and would take her in without hesistation I believe. After finding this forum, I began implementing a sort of "180" but it was ineffective I believe. I stopped attempting to initiate affection, sex, attention,conversation and she seemed....happier.

Sadandangry: I have told her all of that. And it always come back to why I did that, and I do not have a concrete for answer her, other than that I was a coward. And then she has this idea that I've only decided to change because of her ex being around. That is not true of course. This other man did not shake me into loving my wife, I have always loved her. Always will too. But seeing my wife smile, laugh, make jokes,try and get dressed up , that shook me, because I wanted to be the man inspiring her to do those things. I'm her husband for gods sake! But around me,my wife often looked so sad, gloomy, messy. It irritated me. But it was the stupidest thing. She wanted me to wrap my arms around her, and I didn't do that. I let her down.
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Old 09-10-2012, 08:13 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by shocknawe View Post
TDSC60: I absolutely do not want to file for divorce. My wife brings up divorce in many arguments and I fear that if I file, she'll just say "ok", divorce me and then go live with this man. He seems infatuated with her and would take her in without hesistation I believe. After finding this forum, I began implementing a sort of "180" but it was ineffective I believe. I stopped attempting to initiate affection, sex, attention,conversation and she seemed....happier.

Sadandangry: I have told her all of that. And it always come back to why I did that, and I do not have a concrete for answer her, other than that I was a coward. And then she has this idea that I've only decided to change because of her ex being around. That is not true of course. This other man did not shake me into loving my wife, I have always loved her. Always will too. But seeing my wife smile, laugh, make jokes,try and get dressed up , that shook me, because I wanted to be the man inspiring her to do those things. I'm her husband for gods sake! But around me,my wife often looked so sad, gloomy, messy. It irritated me. But it was the stupidest thing. She wanted me to wrap my arms around her, and I didn't do that. I let her down.
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I agree that a 180 or filing in your case, will only convince her that you won't be there for her in the tough times again.

Yes. I think she will let you go. She probably wants you to file to avoid guilt or regret.

For awhile, prior to filing, I was hoping my STBEH would file first, But he would not.

If he had I would have been fine with it.

He still does not want the divorce but he did so many cruel and obnoxious and disloyal things that I would be a fool to stay.

Your behavior was immature, but IMO, she can move past it, if you show her you will be there for her in the tough times.

One reason I filed is I feel that for my husband to do what he did to me, he must truly hate me.

I also don't trust that he would be there for me if we reconciled a second time and we hit another rough patch.

He betrayed me by getting a lap dance at a time, when I believe our false reconciliation was real. He also stopped twice to talk to the OW when he ran into her in town, after promising no contact.

After the second betrayal I could no longer trust my own judgment let alone him.

You need to show her that you are committed through thick and thin.
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Old 09-10-2012, 08:24 AM   #13 (permalink)
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In the meantime, have you altered your behaviour to be what it should? I mean, you can work on the marriage from your side, without her input. It can't hurt the marriage. You're already at peril emotionally, so you've got not much left to lose.
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Old 09-10-2012, 08:32 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Getting my wife out of emotional affair

Have you asked her why she hasn't left yet? What is she waiting for?
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Old 09-10-2012, 08:32 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Getting my wife out of emotional affair

Why is she still there, if she has given up on you?
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