TDSC60: I absolutely do not want to file for divorce. My wife brings up divorce in many arguments and I fear that if I file, she'll just say "ok", divorce me and then go live with this man. He seems infatuated with her and would take her in without hesistation I believe. After finding this forum, I began implementing a sort of "180" but it was ineffective I believe. I stopped attempting to initiate affection, sex, attention,conversation and she seemed....happier.
Sadandangry: I have told her all of that. And it always come back to why I did that, and I do not have a concrete for answer her, other than that I was a coward. And then she has this idea that I've only decided to change because of her ex being around. That is not true of course. This other man did not shake me into loving my wife, I have always loved her. Always will too. But seeing my wife smile, laugh, make jokes,try and get dressed up , that shook me, because I wanted to be the man inspiring her to do those things. I'm her husband for gods sake! But around me,my wife often looked so sad, gloomy, messy. It irritated me. But it was the stupidest thing. She wanted me to wrap my arms around her, and I didn't do that. I let her down.
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I agree that a 180 or filing in your case, will only convince her that you won't be there for her in the tough times again.
Yes. I think she will let you go. She probably wants you to file to avoid guilt or regret.
For awhile, prior to filing, I was hoping my STBEH would file first, But he would not.
If he had I would have been fine with it.
He still does not want the divorce but he did so many cruel and obnoxious and disloyal things that I would be a fool to stay.
Your behavior was immature, but IMO, she can move past it, if you show her you will be there for her in the tough times.
One reason I filed is I feel that for my husband to do what he did to me, he must truly hate me.
I also don't trust that he would be there for me if we reconciled a second time and we hit another rough patch.
He betrayed me by getting a lap dance at a time, when I believe our false reconciliation was real. He also stopped twice to talk to the OW when he ran into her in town, after promising no contact.
After the second betrayal I could no longer trust my own judgment let alone him.
You need to show her that you are committed through thick and thin.