My wife had an EA with her high School sweetheart. It was fairly shortlived, and has ended after I found a sexual chat between them when I snooped her facebook.They're on separate continents.
I knew the two of them were chatting, but started to see my wife was keeping her phone close to her more, and she was on her phone last thing at night. I confronted her about her contact with possum, and she denied it was inappropriate.I warned her it was going to go wrong.
And a few weeks later it did.
My wife has sent no contact.
However, she first sent him a message saying she was caught, she was distraught, how I was reacting, etc.
Our agreement was just a NC message.
When pressed, she says she felt she should explain to him before NC
This reflects emotional investment.
I think she is comming to terms with the fact this was a full EA. I found out last night after probing, that he has sent a previous message outlining his sexual preferences. She did not respond, but coupled with my warning, and his pushing the boundaries it is evident she was loving it. She wanted it to continue.
She is remorseful. She has stopped all contact. We are talking about it.
I dont really know what to do though. I am angry, and want there to be some consequence. But why bring in further hurt. I have not exposed, and she is deeply ashamed and has said if I expose it will be a death knell for our marriage. She says I want to expose to hurt her. She is right. Exposure is usually to break the fog and end the affair. This one has ended.
At the moment I also wish I had seen more of the messages. They were all fb chats, and are now deleted. I dont think they can ever be retrieved can they.
Hi oddball. Sorry you are here.
It's going to take a while for your wife to get over this. EAs are like an addiction.
Firstly you must be certain she has gone NC as most people in EAs break this at some point.
She must be totally transparent with her phone/ pc etc. no passwords, no secrets.
Read together 'not just friends' by Shirley Glass. It will give you and her a better insight into EAs.
She will be angry with you, no doubt, for spoiling her fun, but she must do all the heavy lifting to make this right. Is she remorseful? Does she k is what she has done is wrong? Does she understand how much she has hurt you?
For yourself. Be strong. Keep busy and release your anger and frustration in positive ways. Go to the gym. Take a walk. Post here.
But be strong. Demand no contact and tell her you WILL NOT accept this behaviour in your marriage and that if she continues there will be consequences.
She is sorry. She knows it was wrong. At first she tried to downplay it a bit, but I think she is comprehending how ugly and hurtful this was.No contact is in place. Phone and home computer are open.
Possum wrote her a message after NC saying he was sorry, respected her decision - and ended saying luckily nothing really happened. Yeah right.
Im Sorry that you have to find your self here.
But start to take deep breath.A marriage can survive
The hardest curve ball, thrown against it.
But marriages never survives ,having secrecy.
There is few things that pointīs to secrecy.But it can also
mean nothing. So i will point a few of those i think
you need to find out.
Quote:
Originally Posted by oddball
My wife had an EA with her high School sweetheart. It was fairly shortlived, and has ended after I found a sexual chat between them when I snooped her facebook.They're on separate continents.
I knew the two of them were chatting, but started to see my wife was keeping her phone close to her more, and she was on her phone last thing at night. I confronted her about her contact with possum, and she denied it was inappropriate.I warned her it was going to go wrong.
And a few weeks later it did.
My wife has sent no contact.: Good
However, she first sent him a message saying she was caught, she was distraught, how I was reacting, etc.Huge red flag!
Our agreement was just a NC message.
When pressed, she says she felt she should explain to him before NC Why the need?
This reflects emotional investment.Sadly your right.
Question is What kind? EA or just PA or both?
I think she is comming to terms with the fact this was a full EA. I found out last night after probing, that he has sent a previous message outlining his sexual preferences.
If this, which i assume was sent after the NC.
She did not respond, How do you know that?
remember she felt the need to explain?it usually indicates
that they have taken it underground.
but coupled with my warning, and his pushing the boundaries it is evident she was loving it. She wanted it to continue.
She is remorseful. Not if she was loving it. She has stopped all contact. What measures have you taken to be assured that really is the case? We are talking about it.
I dont really know what to do though. I am angry, and want there to be some consequence. But why bring in further hurt. I have not exposed, You should do it NOW.I mena ASAP.and she is deeply ashamed and has said if I expose it will be a death knell for our marriage.No that won't be the reason for it.Her affair would be the reason. She says I want to expose to hurt her.Bully tactics .She wants you to rug sweep it..And potentially take it under ground. She is right.No both of you are wrong.Its not punishment or being hurt full.It more of reason for here to feel the consequences of her actions..If OM is married or in a relationship GF/Wife needs to know. Exposure is usually to break the fog and end the affair. This one has ended.Not the only reason. itīs also to prevent the affair from being restarted.
At the moment I also wish I had seen more of the messages. They were all fb chats, and are now deleted. I dont think they can ever be retrieved can they. Actually they can be retrieved.Cant remember the name of the software.
Otherīs that will respond im sure remember the name of it.
Dont be afraid, of her threats. Bully tactics.
Your marriage will survive,angry outburstīs lame threats ect.
But not secrecy.Or having this rug swept..
It was definately EA. He lives on anther continent.
The message of his sexual preferences was a while back. It was not post NC. I have opposite sex friends. But if one sent me a message about sex I would terminate contact. She did not. After this I warned her it was going to go wrong. She ignored me.
I dont think there is any more contact.
My wife is really a "goodgirl" This is way out of character. But she wanted it, pursued it and made it happen.
I would love to know if their is software I can use to find all their chat history.
It was definately EA. He lives on anther continent.
The message of his sexual preferences was a while back. It was not post NC. I have opposite sex friends. But if one sent me a message about sex I would terminate contact. She did not. After this I warned her it was going to go wrong. She ignored me.
I dont think there is any more contact.
My wife is really a "goodgir im not looking to insult you know. But be carfull about statements like that. Because.this we al thougt that about our wife/husbands. My exwife ended up having one affair. Try to Concentrate more on affair profing your marriage. That way,both of you will make sure this wont happen again. " This is way out of character. But she wanted it, pursued it and made it happen. the bolded is one of the reasons affair proffing ,should be on the top of the list of prioretys right now.. im not saying it will happen again. But the odds will incrise if no messures are taken.
Spend a little time and read up,on other story's
To learn and get a better understanding,of how sadly easy it
For history to repeat it self.
What messures have you implemented as of now?
Chat history ,why the rush?
I would love to know if their is software I can use to find all their chat history.
It was definately EA. He lives on anther continent.
The message of his sexual preferences was a while back. It was not post NC. I have opposite sex friends. But if one sent me a message about sex I would terminate contact. She did not. After this I warned her it was going to go wrong. She ignored me.
I dont think there is any more contact.
My wife is really a "goodgirl" This is way out of character. But she wanted it, pursued it and made it happen.
I would love to know if their is software I can use to find all their chat history.
I am so angry.
Be careful with the belief that your wife is a good girl. This is why a lot of men refuse to beleive their wife will cheat, has cheated or is maybe a serial cheater.
The OW in my case, lied to her husband, painted him black, when her own father later told me he is a great guy and very affectionate and kind to her and the entire family.
When I contacted him, he initially refused to believe me because he said she was a good girl and did not even like sex.
Well, not, based on the emails, text, porn videos she made of herself and sent to my STBEH, voicemails and texts.
She sounded like a hooker and acted worse than one in the videos clips of her i found.
When I first contacted her husband, he was angry at me, and would not talk to me, later he called and finally asked to see the evidence.
The OW was the one who first contacted my STBEH, the OW, invited him to a sex club for his birthday, the OW was into girl girl stuff and like to get lab dances from women at these men's clubs
Please be careful about putting your wife on a pedestal.
I am not saying she did any of these things, but saying she is a good girl is exactly what her husband said to me about the OW.
She was just good and keeping the wool pulled over her faithful unsuspecting husband's eyes.
I am not doing very well in dealing with this. I was unable to retrieve the facebook chats with fchat. I am pretty sure that all contact has ended.
The real problem is the anger I feel. She says I am grinding away at what we have, and she says she no longer wants to talk about it. She says she is emotionally and physically spent.
We have been on a rollercoaster of kindness and loving to rage and and anger.
I am speaking to one friend, and she requests still that this be kept private, between us. She is not talking to anyone about it.
This seems unhealthy to me.
I told her I want to keep talking about it, but maybe its no longer constructive.
__________________
Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.
I want happiness! - - B1. Married nearly 29 years to EI, my Wife. Working on reconciliation since May, 2012.
Dday was 8 days ago. NC was established the next day.
What is bothering me is that I have been dishonest in our relationship in the past. I am a recovered drug addict, and with that came lots of lies and deception. But when I got clean, I was held very broadly accountable. I had to tell all to her parents, close family friends etc. I never resisted. I wanted to get everything out - enough of secrets.
She keeps raising my dishonesty. I still have to be fully financially accountable, text her if I will be late. And I have been clean for 6 years.
But she now wants to stop talking, she says I am too angry.
Damn right I am. Even when I was tripping of my head, I never ever brought another person into our relationship. A drug yes, but not another person.
this may help chat recovery - not used it but worth a look
IMMonitor Facebook Spy
MMonitor Facebook Spy is a packet sniffer that reads Facebook messages. The application can detect all the Facebook chat conversations that are taking place in your network and it displays them organized by contact name. This app doesn't require a client to be installed on the target computer, instead it can monitor any IP address in the same subnet as the computer that is running the app
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Advice on how to move on after EA 
