Originally Posted by hatev
Thank you for your replies. This whole thing has been very frustrating. We have been trying to work things out and I tend to believe she is sincere about working on our marriage. There are just so many ups and downs. Just when I thought things are getting better, some new complication arises. I'm hanging on though. The guilt she is feeling is tremendous, so much that she has been considering separating. Frustrating.
Women DO NOT seperate because they feel guilt. They seperate because they feel confusion. Confusion about the reality of marriage life and its stability, with confusion about the fantasy of the affair and the "what if".
I believe your wife is still in the affair fog and continues to harbor feelings for the other man. Continued contact with the OM fuels these feelings. She knows the right thing to do, but her emotions are in a state of confusion and prevent her from doing this.
There's only one sure way to bring her out of this fog, end ALL contact with the OM. If they work together, guess what, she needs to find another job.
Sounds like you need to have and heart to heart talk with her about all of this. You need to man up and take control of your marriage. Stop being a dormat, being the perfect husband will not bring her out of the fog. You cannot "love her" back into your marriage. Though that does play a part, you need to be loving, but firm.
You need to set some boundries to "help" your wife with her decision to fix this, or go her marry way.
1. She finds another job. This is not negotable. What's more important in your life, financial security, or your marriage? She will probably hem and hall about this, but put it this way to her; honey this is your choice, I cannot make this decision for you but it simple. If you do not quit your job then I will consider that you perfer your job and the OM over our marriage, and we are done.
2. She ends all contact with OM.
3. Complete and brutal honesty from both of you
4. Counseling for both of you. This is very important for healing, yours and hers.
These may seem brutal and hard, they are. But the time for heming and halling is over, it's time to make a stand, for you and your marriage. It's good to be loving and supportive, but only to a point.
There is too much instability here, especially with her continued contact with the OM. Put your foot down, stand up and fight for your marriage. It's your call on where this goes, take control and stop allowing her to dictate your life.