hatev

Some background...Its been a little over 3 months since confronting my wife about her EA and SA. It lasted about one year and she claims it is over. They are still coworkers and they have to work together on projects and such.

We have been trying to work on our marriage and move past this. I am very frustrated because it seems every weekend she gets sad or depressed. I ask her if she wants to talk about it but she just wants to be left alone. She was not sad this past Mothers Day weekend so I was happy about that. She did though get sad and depressed again today. She came home from work, we talked a bit then she started crying. Again she didnt want to talk about it.

If issues with family, work, or friends were bothering her she would always talk to me. I dont want to confront her about this or assume but she is probably thinking about the OM. I know in my heart she is thinking about him. It hurts me to think about it. Its so frustrating because I just want to move forward but I know life just doesn't work that way.

I love her and want to be as understanding as possible. Am I correct on my assumptions? Is it the OM she's thinking about? Is she feeling guilty? She always tells me that no one can help her right now. I dont know anymore and I'm so tired of thinking. How can I be supportive to her and help myself as well? Thanks again everyone.

Sensitive

It seems obvious that she should cut all tie with this other man. Ask her to look for a new job. Is she willing to work on whatever caused her to stray? Is she going to choose her job over her marriage? Affairs don't just start in a perfect marriage. If you and your wife want to save the marriage, you need to find what went wrong.

johnamos

Senstiive,

I agree with you, however today she needs to.

1: Quit her job no matter the money risk.

2: Is the sadness due to the loss of excitement and thrill of OM.

3: Sounds like there was no confession of guilt, but confronting. This automatically is a first negative. The affair would be continuing today.

Your statement:

I be supportive to her and help myself as well? Thanks again everyone.

Then have an open marriage, or let her be happy with OM and you (she will be totally happy). There is no tug -o-war of hearts and gentials in a marriage. There is no helping yourself while this is going on and matter of fact quite unhealthy.

If all is the facts time to pack the bags and move on. If her heart is with the OM then its over. The logic of of trying to make wife happy simply illogical after all we are not talking dating couple but married.

Peace be with you.

Initfortheduration

What do you want? That is the only important thing now. She has given up all rights or obligations of you to try and make her happy. She ruined it. Let them have each other. Find someone who worth it. She isn't. Your marriage will always be something LESS then you deserve. The only possibility is that she really does love you and hasn't had to make a decision yet. Time to lower the boom, so you can move on with your life.

hatev

Thank you for your replies. This whole thing has been very frustrating. We have been trying to work things out and I tend to believe she is sincere about working on our marriage. There are just so many ups and downs. Just when I thought things are getting better, some new complication arises. I'm hanging on though. The guilt she is feeling is tremendous, so much that she has been considering separating. Frustrating.

seibert253

Women DO NOT seperate because they feel guilt. They seperate because they feel confusion. Confusion about the reality of marriage life and its stability, with confusion about the fantasy of the affair and the "what if".

I believe your wife is still in the affair fog and continues to harbor feelings for the other man. Continued contact with the OM fuels these feelings. She knows the right thing to do, but her emotions are in a state of confusion and prevent her from doing this.

There's only one sure way to bring her out of this fog, end ALL contact with the OM. If they work together, guess what, she needs to find another job.

Sounds like you need to have and heart to heart talk with her about all of this. You need to man up and take control of your marriage. Stop being a dormat, being the perfect husband will not bring her out of the fog. You cannot "love her" back into your marriage. Though that does play a part, you need to be loving, but firm.

You need to set some boundries to "help" your wife with her decision to fix this, or go her marry way.

1. She finds another job. This is not negotable. What's more important in your life, financial security, or your marriage? She will probably hem and hall about this, but put it this way to her; honey this is your choice, I cannot make this decision for you but it simple. If you do not quit your job then I will consider that you perfer your job and the OM over our marriage, and we are done.
2. She ends all contact with OM.
3. Complete and brutal honesty from both of you
4. Counseling for both of you. This is very important for healing, yours and hers.

These may seem brutal and hard, they are. But the time for heming and halling is over, it's time to make a stand, for you and your marriage. It's good to be loving and supportive, but only to a point.

There is too much instability here, especially with her continued contact with the OM. Put your foot down, stand up and fight for your marriage. It's your call on where this goes, take control and stop allowing her to dictate your life.