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He says she if just sex buddy.....

9K views 40 replies 30 participants last post by  Emerald 
#1 ·
I just found out that my husband of 7 years joined a social sex site and has hooked up with a woman for sex. I am 50 and he is 43. We are the best of friends to the point that we do everything together and our relationship has lacked passion in the bedroom without a doubt. He says that we have become more like room mates and loves everything about our life except for the sex. I see this as the highest level of betrayal and I am destroyed. Not only the sex with another woman but the bigger point that he gave up and could not talk to me about his feelings. I guess my question is.... is this common in society today? Can you really have a FWB?
 
#5 ·
Open Marriages only work if all parties involve love and trust each other unequivocally. I don't think they work as often as some would like to believe that they do.

With that said, what he is doing is flat out cheating. You are uncomfortable with it. You haven't agreed with opening your marriage.

He is looking for any excuse to keep eating his cake. He wants someone outside of the marriage, and his wife at home for domestic duties (or financial support).

EDIT: Also, any sort of counselling for him or any R (if you attempt it) will not work as long as he is actively engaged in the affair. For your marriage to work, he will have to go NC with this woman. That means blocking her from whatever he is accessing her with.
 
#6 · (Edited)
You married a cheater who is a selfish person. He is only thinking of him. It is too many STDs or AIDS now to make lite of this sleeping around. Cheaters Lie about everything. He is making weak a.. excuses. It is no reason for him to direspect you . A sex buddy is for someone that is single. You need to start living life without him. Sounds like he will continue to cheat on you. He is not sorry for cheating (only that you found out).. Girl you need to just cut your loses. He is all on the internet trolling for sex..That is just nasty ..

Your best friend would never hurt you like this man did now. Your husband is no longer your best friend.
 
#10 ·
OP - I'm so sorry your here...your discovery this week must have been devastating!

Is saying she's just a 'sex buddy' supposed to make you feel better and be ok about him being a cheating scumbag? I can understand why you are so heartbroken.

It's funny isn't it... cheaters seem to love to make light of the 'sex'....saying it means nothing (never hear the BS say that though... it certainly means something to them). Yet they put all that energy into finding a fu*kbuddy and keeping it a secret from their spouse with secret email a/c's, secret cell phones, secret meetings.... Energy that SHOULD have been spent on the spouse...fixing what isn't working within the marriage.

Suppose now you have to decide what to do...are you going to forgive?
He will need to end the affair and commit to the marriage if your going to repair the damage his affair has done.... do you think he will do this?

Will you go to marriage counselling? Will he?
 
#12 ·
No okay and not acceptable. He's trying to justify by saying sex is not good in the marriage but he didn't say anything about it. Worse is it sounds like you're buying it.

To make matters worse, this was premeditated. He didn't get into an EA by accident. He planned this fog free.

Hold him accountable or your position of control in the marriage will go down hill fast. Personally I think make him leave the house. Anything less than full ownership on his part and full effort to fix himself should not be an option.
 
#13 ·
I just found out that my husband of 7 years joined a social sex site and has hooked up with a woman for sex. I am 50 and he is 43. We are the best of friends to the point that we do everything together and our relationship has lacked passion in the bedroom without a doubt. He says that we have become more like room mates and loves everything about our life except for the sex. I see this as the highest level of betrayal and I am destroyed. Not only the sex with another woman but the bigger point that he gave up and could not talk to me about his feelings. I guess my question is.... is this common in society today? Can you really have a FWB?
This is not something that fits in my marriage.
 
#14 ·
He is friends with benefits with You, as long as fits suit for him. Then he will stay with a younger women when she wants him to stay I am afraid,
 
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#15 ·
Blueirisblue
I know exactly how you feel.
This is absolute betrayal and my heart goes out to you.
R from this would be a long painful journey and would take a lot of strength on your part, and total commitment on his.
Do keep coming here to TAM, you will get a lot of support.
 
#19 ·
Good grief, no it is not ok.
Look if BOTH of you want to have an open marriage, then that's fine, its not my cup of tea, but it wouldn't be my marriage. But, he can't go running around with some other chick, behind your back and then say "its nothing". The fact that he didn't tell you before hand shows he knew it was wrong, too. Otherwise there's nothing to keep secret. He is messing with your mind. I agree with the others who say kick him to the curb.
 
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#20 ·
The we were just living like roommates statement is very common. Only thing is I never had sex with one of my roommates. The FWB thing only works when you are not in a relationship. What your husband wants is an open marriage on his side. Of course he will say you can have someone too. But in this situation he will go ape s*** when you find someone.

The thing he does not realize is that you "might" have agreed to an open marriage if he had asked long before the affair. Now you will have a hard time trusting him.

Time for you to figure out what you are willing to live with or not.
 
#22 ·
Wow, thanks for all the support! I am not sure what the outcome of all this will be. I vacillate back and forth between anger-pain and guilt. I guess it is a normal part of the grieving process. I am grieving my lack of trust in him and in myself. I will honestly admit to a big lack of sex in our relationship, it was not always that way. To make a very long story short, I had a traumatic injury where I was in a wheelchair, off work for 14 months and really lost a lot of my self-esteem during the process. He was more than supportive during the entire ordeal. But I have recovered, returned to work (with a big promotion) and have moved forward. I am wondering if that also is not a part in this whole thing. Now that I am back on my feet (literally) if he doesn't feel as important or needed?

I hate the fact that I can not trust him. I don't want to keep snooping his phone and computer, but I almost feel as if I have to! I have phone records of him talking to her and e-mails and pictures they sent each other in a safe place. Is that what I need if this continues?

He has been fairly open about the whole thing and as far as I can tell has met my demand to stop all contact with her. I just wonder if I should be very quiet about the fact that I can still trace his phone calls.... and give him the room to hang himself...
 
#30 · (Edited)
...To make a very long story short, I had a traumatic injury where I was in a wheelchair, off work for 14 months and really lost a lot of my self-esteem during the process. He was more than supportive during the entire ordeal.
..
But I have recovered, returned to work (with a big promotion) and have moved forward. I am wondering if that also is not a part in this whole thing. Now that I am back on my feet (literally) if he doesn't feel as important or needed?...
I think you are right, during that injury time you both got in a needing/caring relationship, with no sex, like a hospital situation. Then you quit from this situation by healing.

The next, the success on you part, is maybe the second blow to his self esteem. Not only you go by to his position by recovering, now you leaped forward, and he stayed behind.

Did you talk to him about his feelings about both?
 
#23 ·
I know this is something that ain't going to make me the most loved poster but 9 time out of 10 these so called "cougars" marrying younger guys will end up like this. I've seen it time and time again. When I was in my 20's and 30's I believed older women were very sexy and "dated" a number of them. Now that I'm in my 60's, not so much.
I'm married to a woman 9 years younger than me. Although she is in her early 50's, it's a better match and I find her most desirable. If it were the other way around, I'd probably feel different and would be noticing the newer crop. Sorry Blue, but most men are like that. Dump the boy and get you a man more your age that can't keep his hands off your tush. We older guys appreciate what we have at home and not a likely to stray.
 
#25 ·
I can strongly empathize with you. I lived with a Passive-aggressive woman for 12 years. For the sake of your on self worth, identity, and dignity, kick him out and sue the butt off him. Make him get his bit of tail the hard way. Just because he implies you are not sexually exciting and worth treating with respect, honesty, and consideration doesn't mean it's true. He might might think you are powerless to him but I guarantee you can show him he is well and truly wrong. If you don't you will just be an "enabler" for him and that is a very self destructive path.
 
#26 ·
There is a movie that sometimes shows on the Sundance channel titled "the freebie"

In it the husband is bored with sex and each time the wife tries to spice it up and initiates sex he pushes her away.

He finally convinces her that each should get one free sexcapade.

He has his fugg fest, she deals with it, and then she goes out to have hers and comes home he calls her a Sl*^t and starts a fight.

Prior the marriage was excellent in all departments except for the sex becoming boring to the Husband.

I think a lot of cheaters, male or female, push their spouses away sexually and then blame the spouse.

I mean how many times can you reject someone's advances before they stop trying.
 
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