Husband has fetish of me being with other men. It's destroying me.
I've been with my husband for almost 8 years. He is 17 years older than me, and was only the second man I had ever even kissed. I am 31. He is very sweet, loving, caring, and has taken my 13 year old son on as his own. He's financially changed my life for the better, and done many good things for me. From the beginning, he slowly introduced this cuckold fetish that he had. He was very clever with it. He convinced me over time that he was not enough for me sexually. He even went through stages of withholding sex. He always had an excuse, such as "I have a pain in my back" or "I just don't know what's wrong" or whatever. But it turns out that he was deliberately leaving me sexually frustrated so that I would look to other men. After 2 years of marriage(4 years together), I broke. I started becoming very attracted to a man I work worth. He was also married. Although we never touched each other, we developed a deep friendship and began to fall in love with each other. I felt a deep need for him emotionally. My husband was sexually excited by this, but at the same time he was alarmed by his perception that I was actually feeling more than just a sexual attraction. I felt trapped in my need for the other man and the pressure to please my husband with my attraction to the other man. I justified it easily, but it ate me up because I knew that I was falling too deeply. Still, things were stable, because my friend would not cheat on his wife, and he assumed I would not cheat on my husband. We were just friends. Then he got divorced about a year ago. I quickly let him know that I wanted to be more than friends. I told him that my husband was "okay" with it. He was confused, but gave in and we made out a few times. When this started happening, my husband had not had sex with me for several months. My husband finally broke down and confessed that nothing was wrong with him physically. He was withholding sex on purpose. He did not ACTUALLY want me to have sex with this other man, and in fact, he wanted me to end my friendship with him. He wanted to "get things right". Of course, as a good wife, I knew this was the "right thing to do". I quickly realized, however, that I just couldn't. It tore my heart out to cut the other man out of my life. He was very respectful, although confused. After about a month of trying to "be good" we resumed our friendship, somewhat secretly, although we did not take it back to a physical level. I just couldn't stand to be without his friendship. My husband and I have been struggling all year, because I now realize that I am completely in love with someone else. At the same time, it tears me to pieces to think of hurting my husband. I know he loves me, and I feel like I have failed him. I also don't want to tear my son's home up. After trying to cope for 8 months, my husband revisited his fetish, and told me to start my relationship with the other man again. I quickly did, but realized that the other man feels guilty about his contribution to this, and I also realize that I cannot live this way. (We have not actually had sex, as the other man refuses to take it to that point, but we have been very sexual together) I want to be with the other man and do not want to use my husband. I want to keep my son's home together, but I don't want to lie to my husband about how I feel. Being apart from the other man kills me, and the thought of telling my husband goodbye is unbearable. Oh my god, I feel so stuck, so torn. There is no solution, and I don't want to hurt anyone, but there seems no way around it. What do I do? Please don't tell me to forget the other man. Unless he chooses to leave my life, I am truly not capable of cutting him off. He is my peace in the middle of all this. The only time I feel good is when I'm with him. My husband is okay with my attraction to him one minute, and critical of it the next. I have tried to tell my husband how I really feel about the other man, but it's extremely difficult, and my husband already knows, anyway. It causes him great pain, and I am in a constant state of guilt, sadness and fear. I almost want to throw up sometimes. What do I do?