Husband has fetish of me being with other men. It's destroying me.
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Old 09-14-2012, 04:30 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Husband has fetish of me being with other men. It's destroying me.

I've been with my husband for almost 8 years. He is 17 years older than me, and was only the second man I had ever even kissed. I am 31. He is very sweet, loving, caring, and has taken my 13 year old son on as his own. He's financially changed my life for the better, and done many good things for me. From the beginning, he slowly introduced this cuckold fetish that he had. He was very clever with it. He convinced me over time that he was not enough for me sexually. He even went through stages of withholding sex. He always had an excuse, such as "I have a pain in my back" or "I just don't know what's wrong" or whatever. But it turns out that he was deliberately leaving me sexually frustrated so that I would look to other men. After 2 years of marriage(4 years together), I broke. I started becoming very attracted to a man I work worth. He was also married. Although we never touched each other, we developed a deep friendship and began to fall in love with each other. I felt a deep need for him emotionally. My husband was sexually excited by this, but at the same time he was alarmed by his perception that I was actually feeling more than just a sexual attraction. I felt trapped in my need for the other man and the pressure to please my husband with my attraction to the other man. I justified it easily, but it ate me up because I knew that I was falling too deeply. Still, things were stable, because my friend would not cheat on his wife, and he assumed I would not cheat on my husband. We were just friends. Then he got divorced about a year ago. I quickly let him know that I wanted to be more than friends. I told him that my husband was "okay" with it. He was confused, but gave in and we made out a few times. When this started happening, my husband had not had sex with me for several months. My husband finally broke down and confessed that nothing was wrong with him physically. He was withholding sex on purpose. He did not ACTUALLY want me to have sex with this other man, and in fact, he wanted me to end my friendship with him. He wanted to "get things right". Of course, as a good wife, I knew this was the "right thing to do". I quickly realized, however, that I just couldn't. It tore my heart out to cut the other man out of my life. He was very respectful, although confused. After about a month of trying to "be good" we resumed our friendship, somewhat secretly, although we did not take it back to a physical level. I just couldn't stand to be without his friendship. My husband and I have been struggling all year, because I now realize that I am completely in love with someone else. At the same time, it tears me to pieces to think of hurting my husband. I know he loves me, and I feel like I have failed him. I also don't want to tear my son's home up. After trying to cope for 8 months, my husband revisited his fetish, and told me to start my relationship with the other man again. I quickly did, but realized that the other man feels guilty about his contribution to this, and I also realize that I cannot live this way. (We have not actually had sex, as the other man refuses to take it to that point, but we have been very sexual together) I want to be with the other man and do not want to use my husband. I want to keep my son's home together, but I don't want to lie to my husband about how I feel. Being apart from the other man kills me, and the thought of telling my husband goodbye is unbearable. Oh my god, I feel so stuck, so torn. There is no solution, and I don't want to hurt anyone, but there seems no way around it. What do I do? Please don't tell me to forget the other man. Unless he chooses to leave my life, I am truly not capable of cutting him off. He is my peace in the middle of all this. The only time I feel good is when I'm with him. My husband is okay with my attraction to him one minute, and critical of it the next. I have tried to tell my husband how I really feel about the other man, but it's extremely difficult, and my husband already knows, anyway. It causes him great pain, and I am in a constant state of guilt, sadness and fear. I almost want to throw up sometimes. What do I do?
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Old 09-14-2012, 04:38 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband has fetish of me being with other men. It's destroying me.

Oh SandyLady

You have put yourself in a pickle. And your husband is an idiot.

You have to make a decision.

A. You either D your husband to be with the OM and tear your family apart/wreck your husband.

or

B. You reconcile with your husband, work on your marriage and sex life with your husband and walk away from the OM 100%. No friendship.

It is really that simple. You cannot be friends with the OM and expect your marriage and family to survive.

So put your big girl pants on and decide which love is greater husband/marriage/family or OtherMan????

Others will likely cast their opinions to.

Good Luck

HM64
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Old 09-14-2012, 04:53 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband has fetish of me being with other men. It's destroying me.

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Oh SandyLady

You have put yourself in a pickle. And your husband is an idiot.

You have to make a decision.

A. You either D your husband to be with the OM and tear your family apart/wreck your husband.

or

B. You reconcile with your husband, work on your marriage and sex life with your husband and walk away from the OM 100%. No friendship.

It is really that simple. You cannot be friends with the OM and expect your marriage and family to survive.

So put your big girl pants on and decide which love is greater husband/marriage/family or OtherMan????

Others will likely cast their opinions to.

Good Luck

HM64
Thank you for your response. You are right. It seems obvious and sensible that I should pick marriage/husband/family over the other man. That is probably what is so difficult about this, because my heart definitely feels the other way. When I tried to forget the other man, I went into a deep depression, and although I tried very hard to "fake it", my husband could tell. So I cannot fake my way through the depression that being without the other man causes. Yet, I have a hard time accepting the idea that choosing the other man is an acceptable option. Probably because of the traditional values that have been hammered into my head all my life. I guess I am waiting for God to come down and tell me what to do. Still waiting....
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Old 09-14-2012, 05:07 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband has fetish of me being with other men. It's destroying me.

Your husband has a mental illness. Cuckolding inst a fetish, it's the symptom of a deeply emotionally disturbed mind that seeks to be abused emotionally and sexually through a wife's sexual betrayal.

If you have any care or love left for your husband get him to be treated for this illness, get him to deal with his desire to be abused and betrayed by you.

As you have seen. His "fetish" is a self destructive behavior just like cutting or other forms of self inflicted abuse. You'd get a cutter help right?
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Old 09-14-2012, 05:09 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband has fetish of me being with other men. It's destroying me.

Your husband withholding sex from you for all those years was cruel. And the cuckold fascination is sick and twisted. You haven't been in a loving marriage. You're in a real dilemma. If it weren't for your 13 year old son, I would say to divorce your husband now. Whatever you choose, you can't go on like this.
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Old 09-14-2012, 05:31 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband has fetish of me being with other men. It's destroying me.

You know, when you are infatuated the 'other' looks like your soul mate; the answer to your dreams; the piece of the puzzle that completes you etc. That is just the hormones talking, hard as that is to imagine right now.

The shared history that you have with your husband is probably a better bet, despite how reckless he has been.

The feelings you have for the other man will fade and he will become just another human being to you, one you like perhaps, and one you might always have affection for, but not the centre of the universe that he is now. The infatuation will fade and you will survive.
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Old 09-14-2012, 05:34 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband has fetish of me being with other men. It's destroying me.

If he is deliberately withholding sex from you, could you seek an annulment of your marriage?

Quote:
My husband finally broke down and confessed that nothing was wrong with him physically
He was right. His problem is mental rather than physical.

He must seek treatment for it. If he cannot, or will not, then it might be time to move on.
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Old 09-14-2012, 05:39 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband has fetish of me being with other men. It's destroying me.

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Originally Posted by SandyLady80 View Post
He is very sweet, loving, caring, and has taken my 13 year old son on as his own. He's financially changed my life for the better, and done many good things for me

I want to keep my son's home together

Being apart from the other man kills me

What do I do?
I'm going to be pretty blunt here.

IMO if you stay with your husband you'll sell your soul and body to him and start sleeping with other men. It'll happen eventually at this pace. You're just lucky this current OM actually has some integrity because most other guys would have bedded you almost instantly by now.

Now I'm going to ask a ? that will be VERY BLUNT, are you staying with your husband and putting up with this because of the financial security he provides, I'm pretty sure you do love your husband but it seems $$ is playing a huge part in your decision.

If you divorce and go with the OM, will your financial position head in the opposite direction by a huge amount?

So the final question from me is, is the financial security he provides along with his love (however sick it is) worth all of this pain and suffering you're going through?

Sorry if this may upset you but it's pretty clear what you need to do (leave this sick person) but you can't because you're thinking of your son and how he will be affected.

One last question to ask yourself, if your husband didn't offer you this level of financial security, would you have stayed this long???

I"m not saying that you're only staying for the money, because I do feel you love your husband very much but it seems the financial security also plays a huge part in your decision.
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Old 09-14-2012, 05:45 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband has fetish of me being with other men. It's destroying me.

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I have a hard time accepting the idea that choosing the other man is an acceptable option. Probably because of the traditional values that have been hammered into my head all my life.
I'm going to be blunt, otherwise I'd do you a huge disservice. The statement above can't be more ridiculous. You already did your choice, as a matter of fact, you chose him AND the marriage at a time, thats why you are a cheater, you are a cake eater. Period. No special, no unique, no different than the millions other cheaters in the world. No one of them want to give up cake. It's pertect.
As for the tradicional values pleeeeazze. I imagine that by not f'cking with OM is perfectly OK to be in lurrrve, make out once in a while, sharing the joy of "light" adultery... and at the time feeling both so full of integrity... what a joke.
Are you going to be depressed? sure. You will get past the withdrawl thou, you will refocus your energies in your family on OM is completely out of the picture (And I say completely, no chit chat, no glances, no emails or ocasional text to know what's going on. Total, life long NC.
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Old 09-14-2012, 05:55 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband has fetish of me being with other men. It's destroying me.

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I'm going to be blunt, otherwise I'd do you a huge disservice. The statement above can't be more ridiculous. You already did your choice, as a matter of fact, you chose him AND the marriage at a time, thats why you are a cheater, you are a cake eater. Period. No special, no unique, no different than the millions other cheaters in the world. No one of them want to give up cake. It's pertect.
As for the tradicional values pleeeeazze. I imagine that by not f'cking with OM is perfectly OK to be in lurrrve, make out once in a while, sharing the joy of "light" adultery... and at the time feeling both so full of integrity... what a joke.
Are you going to be depressed? sure. You will get past the withdrawl thou, you will refocus your energies in your family on OM is completely out of the picture (And I say completely, no chit chat, no glances, no emails or ocasional text to know what's going on. Total, life long NC.
And get rid of the 'husband' perhaps?
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Old 09-14-2012, 05:55 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband has fetish of me being with other men. It's destroying me.

This looks like a fantasy story, but anyway:
Leave your husband, live with the OM, take your son with you. Go from an insane husband to someone you connect with.
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Old 09-14-2012, 05:58 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband has fetish of me being with other men. It's destroying me.

Your husband is a cruel person... and he's using his cruel behavior to try to get you to emotionally abuse him.

It's a sick cycle. There is nothing traditional about your marriage. It's already broken.

What are your son's feelings towards your husband? Does your husband play games with your son... I mean emotional games? Most people who play these types of games are capable of emotional stability in any relationship.

You worry about braking up your son's home? I worry about what your son is learning by watching the dynamics between you and your husband. That's not even taking into consideration the emotional problems your husband probably exhibits towards your son.
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Old 09-14-2012, 06:08 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband has fetish of me being with other men. It's destroying me.

You talk about your traditional values and are seeriously considering staying with a man who has anything but.

What happens when he tells you who to have sex with a stranger, a woman, more than one person. You are sending yourself and your son down a very wrong sleazy path. Don't think your son wont find out about your new lifestyle. Do you want connections with possible deviants, diseases, stalkers, etc?

Your husband, and a good one would, is not putting you first and I seriously doubt he ever will.

Think very carefully. There is far more at stake here than your marriage.
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Old 09-14-2012, 07:03 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband has fetish of me being with other men. It's destroying me.

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I guess I am waiting for God to come down and tell me what to do. Still waiting....
SandyLady

I am going to let you in on a little secret.

God very rarely ever tells us what to do. You can pray for that diine intervention or you can simply decide what is best for you and your family.

Or sometimes you need to decide what is best just for you. I bet you thought many of us would just say to get rid of he OM and reconcile with your husband.

But your H has been unusually cruel and selfish himself.

Maybe with counselling he can be cured and contribute towards a healthy marriage.

Maybe you can go NoContact with the OM and return to the marriage and make it a new, healthy relationship.

Maybe you cut and run, go with the Divorce to start a new marriage with the OM. Your Husband can move on and find somebody new with your son spending time with both of you.....

Neither choice is easy, clean or without heartbreak.

You have to decide what is best for you. God cannot do it or you.

Keep posting and know that your family is in my prayers.

HM64
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Old 09-14-2012, 07:07 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband has fetish of me being with other men. It's destroying me.

@ Acabado

I'm going to have to jump to SandyLady's defense a little on this one. If this statement is true...

"My husband was sexually excited by this, but at the same time he was alarmed by his perception that I was actually feeling more than just a sexual attraction. I felt trapped in my need for the other man and the pressure to please my husband with my attraction to the other man. I justified it easily, but it ate me up because I knew that I was falling too deeply."


Then her husband is culpable in this tagic story. I wouldn't call this your typical cheating spouse scenario.
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