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Wife and Coworker

145K views 313 replies 49 participants last post by  nogutsnoglory 
#1 ·
Hi I wanted to post my situation online and hear from others. My wife recently started a new job working in a more professional company. She has been working with this company for two months now. I will admit that our marriage has not been the best for a few years and we openly admitted this and have been trying to work on it. About a month ago I got a gut feeling that something was going on and I started asking my wife if things were ok.. she would always say they were fine and not to worry. After a week I checked her cell phone and noticed she was looking up the lyrics to a song that was a bit romantic and I asked here what made her look it up? She said she heard it on the radio, which I then proceeded to check the stations site and noticed it was never played in the play list... she still said she heard it on the radio and we moved on. The next day I logged into her work email (She gave me the password before to setup her cell phone with the email) While I was logged in I noticed one of her coworkers send her a little smilley and asked her if she was busy... When she said yes he kept sending her sad faces. This was at the end of the day and when my wife called me I asked her what was going on with this coworker... she swore nothing was going on but I kept on asking... after 24 hours she admitted that her and this coworker had been flirting back and fourth and that they had an attraciton to each other... she says that it just felt good and flatered her to have him flirt with her. After a few days of arguing and asking more questions she also admitted that the guy did send he a sexual song and also would make compliments of liking her body and at times would send her little chat roses. She says to me that she didnt beleive anything was wrong and that it didnt seem wrong since it was in chat and she didnt do it face to face with him. I asked her if she beleived that he wanted more and she said she didnt know but could assume he possibly did... she swore that should would never sleep with another man since she is married... but for me its hard to understand when she would of drawn the line?? This guy works on her team at work and was making advances at her that she didnt stop.. she says that if he would of tried to get her to go out alone of if he crossed the line of being physical she would of stopped it.. I dont beleive it and think that it would of been a matter of time until this would of been a physical affair. As of now we are in counseling and she has told the guy that everything needs to stop and they can only talk about business. Even though she did this I still cant stop thinking about the what ifs while she is at work. I have also went to the OM wife and told her everything I found out as well.

Can anyone shed some light or advice... Some people tell me I am being childish about this and that I should just forget about it but I tell that this hurts just knowing someone was trying to get into my wife's paints and she didnt stop it... her only excuse is that she didnt think it was bad since it was a chat and that she would never of sletp with him... of course she would say that once she is caugth.
 
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#2 ·
You are not being childish. Yes it is bad - very bad. They are headed for an EA at the very least. Since he has already gotten sexual with her and she did nothing to stop it - a big red flag here.

This guy is being totally inappropriate and your wife is not stopping it. She is enjoying the attention. Now you have to be very watchful as they may take it underground.

I would consider exposing the inappropriate behavior to the company HR since they are using company equipment and resources.

What has the OM's wife said?

BTW - no cheating spouse will admit that they want to sleep with the OM. Matter of fact very many admit that they did not think they could ever actually do it - until they did.

She didn't think anything was wrong with doing what she did? BS. Ask her how she would feel if she found out you were having secret sexual chat with another woman.
 
#3 ·
Hi I wanted to post my situation online and hear from others. My wife recently started a new job working in a more professional company. She has been working with this company for two months now. I will admit that our marriage has not been the best for a few years and we openly admitted this and have been trying to work on it. About a month ago I got a gut feeling that something was going on and I started asking my wife if things were ok.. she would always say they were fine and not to worry. After a week I checked her cell phone and noticed she was looking up the lyrics to a song that was a bit romantic and I asked here what made her look it up? She said she heard it on the radio, which I then proceeded to check the stations site and noticed it was never played in the play list... she still said she heard it on the radio and we moved on. The next day I logged into her work email (She gave me the password before to setup her cell phone with the email) While I was logged in I noticed one of her coworkers send her a little smilley and asked her if she was busy... When she said yes he kept sending her sad faces. This was at the end of the day and when my wife called me I asked her what was going on with this coworker... she swore nothing was going on but I kept on asking... after 24 hours she admitted that her and this coworker had been flirting back and fourth and that they had an attraciton to each other... she says that it just felt good and flatered her to have him flirt with her. After a few days of arguing and asking more questions she also admitted that the guy did send he a sexual song and also would make compliments of liking her body and at times would send her little chat roses. She says to me that she didnt beleive anything was wrong and that it didnt seem wrong since it was in chat and she didnt do it face to face with him. I asked her if she beleived that he wanted more and she said she didnt know but could assume he possibly did... she swore that should would never sleep with another man since she is married... but for me its hard to understand when she would of drawn the line?? This guy works on her team at work and was making advances at her that she didnt stop.. she says that if he would of tried to get her to go out alone of if he crossed the line of being physical she would of stopped it.. I dont beleive it and think that it would of been a matter of time until this would of been a physical affair. As of now we are in counseling and she has told the guy that everything needs to stop and they can only talk about business. Even though she did this I still cant stop thinking about the what ifs while she is at work. I have also went to the OM wife and told her everything I found out as well.

Can anyone shed some light or advice... Some people tell me I am being childish about this and that I should just forget about it but I tell that this hurts just knowing someone was trying to get into my wife's paints and she didnt stop it... her only excuse is that she didnt think it was bad since it was a chat and that she would never of sletp with him... of course she would say that once she is caugth.
It seems she was very happy with his advances. Ever go on a date and put your arm around a girl's shoulders, or hold her hand? If she doesn't say no or physically recoil, it means yes. Same thing with this type of flirting. If you don't reject it, and respond in kind, it means, "keep it coming."

No one is as naive as your wife to say she didn't think it was wrong because it was just chat, that it was OK to encourage a guy who she had a mutual attraction with knowing he wanted more. You shouldn't accept that type of argument from her and let her know in no uncertain terms that you don't believe it.

You are right on target with the way you are thinking about this. Don't let her and others who don't know the situation as well as you do make you feel crazy for feeling the way you do. You have a right to expect your wife will reject other man's advances.

Have you checked her earlier work emails to see how/when this started?

Continue to monitor her email and if the flirty stuff continues from him, insist that she complain to her supervisor about sexual harassment.

Put a voice-activated recorder under the seat of her car with some heavy-duty velcro and monitor for a couple of weeks to see if she sticks to her "just business" talk.

I don't think you're ready to hear this yet, and I know your wife isn't, but she absolutely is not going to be able to keep it strictly business with this guy for whom she admits an attraction and inappropriate behavior, still saying she sees nothing wrong with it. The behavior is going to continue and escalate. Maybe with the voice-activated recorder and monitoring her work email you will be able to at least save yourself a lot of time and catch it sooner rather than later.

Good job on exposing to the other man's wife. Let her know if other man and your wife continue their flirty or worse relationship.

Also keep in mind that now that wife has told other man to keep it strictly business, the flirty stuff from him should be treated by your wife as sexual harassment. She has the right to work in an environment free from the unwanted advances of other employees.
 
#7 ·
Inform the HR department and if the guy is married or in a relationship, send her one too. This guy is a predator, going after married woman and you neeed to be very proactive before thee affair escalates(if it hasn't already). Then send him a mail that you know what he is sending you wife and would appreciate that if he cc'ed you in the mails. Work place affairs are the easiest to have.


Check her phone records and mail so that you have the whole truth about her affair. I have a feeling that it was more than what she confessed.
 
#8 ·
Can anyone shed some light or advice... Some people tell me I am being childish about this and that I should just forget about it but I tell that this hurts just knowing someone was trying to get into my wife's paints and she didnt stop it... her only excuse is that she didnt think it was bad since it was a chat and that she would never of sletp with him... of course she would say that once she is caugth.
Bay this was absolutely going toward an EA and it's hard to think your wife didn't know it. These people calling you childish are either naive or are insulting your intelligence. I hope you hold your wife accountable for her bad behavior and don't let her minimize that she was on her way to an EA and probably PA.

She needs to start looking for another job or else he does.
 
#9 ·
Thank you for the responses... she does NOW admit that she knows it was wrong and has asked for forgiveness. she says she wants to focus on our marriage and to fix us.. I do admit that we have had issues for sometime now that were not given attention.

I am trying to control my emotions and feelings and focus on the repair of my marriage... We have a young daughter together and I dont want to break up my marriage. We have started counseling and talking about issues we both have..

When I told the OM wife she was terribly upset with her husband and my wife and rightfully so... I also did comfront the OM before telling his wife and told him to knock it off... of course he took the position of that he was just chatting with her and he had no intentions of doing anything more (BS TO ME)...
 
#13 ·
It's nice to see that you've done some things right. Too often on TAM the BS just doesn't get it. You confronted her Right. You confronted OMW Right. You confronted OM Right. You are trying to focus on repair Probably right. In counceling Right. And based on these steps you've taken, your wife admits it was inappropriate Right.

Don't be fooled if she has only learned to be more careful. Check into VAR, keep tabs on phone and text, make sure she's transparent, etc. I'd get "Not Just Friend" and "His Needs/ Her Needs" and both of you read them both. If you truly stopped this where you think you did then I wouldn't focus so much on what could have happened that you undermine your relationship however you do need to watch her closely now.
 
#11 ·
of course he took the position of that he was just chatting with her and he had no intentions of doing anything more (BS TO ME)...
Ask him if he would be ok if you spoke to his wife similarly. Now is a very crucial time. They might take the affair underground. Your wife might be a good person but cheaters can the best actors. Usually work place affairs resume very easily and can be hidden without much problem. You need to employ your own methods to verify that the affair did end.
 
#12 ·
If your wife, works for a large company maybe she can transfer to another facility, or she needs to quit work-----

This guy has dug himself into her psyche, and she wanted it, so an EA, is there, even if not admitted to---so she cannot really see him at work, if you are to have a successful R.

Also, you and your wife, need to talk 30 minutes everyday, or longer, about everything, light-hearted, serious problems---just talk

Take her out on date nights---go back to your courting period and emulate that---Marin county should be nice in the fall---or see the giants play if they make the playoffs, or go over to Golden gate fields, and go to the races--go down to the wharf and walk around--take her out and do things--------COURT HER.
 
#15 ·
This sounds a lot like my story except with the difference that the EA/chats were with someone remote. The colleague part is also common in that there is a suspected local guy that works at the same employer as my wife.

My wife also received advances/sexual comments from the on-line guy and did nothing to discourage them.

You have done a good job so far and you are definitely not acting like a child!!

It sounds like you should get hold of MMSL (Married Man Sex Life) ASAP and read it. I got this advice on my thread but avoided it initially. I implore you to spend the $10 and get the pdf and read it. It's not big and it may change your life; it has mine.
 
#19 · (Edited)
If he is on her team then frankly even though you have done exactly the right things, this is going to eat at you knowing his intentions.

They really need to be separated. This could mean she will need to change jobs unfortunately.

This is why it is best to go to HR now. She may be able to stay in her new job by doing this.
 
#23 ·
If he is on her team then frankly even though you have doen exactly the right things, this is going to eat at you knowing his intentions.

They really need to be separated. This could mean she will need to change jobs unfortunately.

This is why it is best to go to HR now. She may be able to stay in her new job by doing this.
:iagree:

The OM is the aggressor. He sounds like a predator.
He is smelling pu$$y and knows that your wife is unhappy.

Report him to HR now.

Work on your marriage or things will continue to slide. Use this as a wake up call.
 
#20 · (Edited)
First I would like to say "good for you" that you took action before this guy was banging your wife three times a week, like so many other guys who have posted here. They didn't insist on ending contact with the OM like you did out of fear of being called controlling or abusive.

Now I'm going to chime in with all the others and say that you MUST contact the company's human resources department and send them the proof that you have that this guy is sexually harassing married female employees. There has to be consequences for his behavior.
 
#21 · (Edited)
First I would like to say "good for you" that you took action before this guy was banging your wife three times a week, like so many other guys who have posted here. They didn't insist on ending contact with the OM like you did out of fear of being called controlling or abuseive.

Now I'm going to chime in with all the others and say that you MUST contact the company's human resources department and send them the proof that you have that this guy is sexually harassing married female employees. There has to be consequences for his behavior.
:iagree:

Middleman and others are correct on this



I also did comfront the OM before telling his wife and told him to knock it off... of course he took the position of that he was just chatting with her and he had no intentions of doing anything more (BS TO ME)...


This is so much crap. I'd go to HR and screw him up just for his attitude and lies alone
 
#24 ·
He's hitting on her. She's allowing it. This is not acceptable. She should have rejected his advances right away. People like to pretend that what is on a computer screen is somehow exempt from real life, but it isn't. The Internet is part of life and chatting with a work buddy isn't Second Life. Hold her accountable.
 
#25 ·
I did have her go to HR and they basically just talked to him about it and left it alone... My wife felt bad going to HR because she knew she didnt handle it right on her end. I told her it didnt matter that I wanted it to be in the open at work with HR and her boss.

I am pretty confident they never meetup outside of work and that nothing else happened outside from the chatting...

I have no way of proving anything else beyond what I know already....
 
#26 ·
This is great. But be aware when I was in an EA at work, I never met her outside of work. Once that happens it escalates. If they had reached a pint of the brain chemicals kicking in then just seeing each other during the do is enough to keep things moving on.

Typically to truly stop this stuff requires full NC. But it is hard to say if this is the situation. This would probably not be a situatiomn I would want to live with personally so I would probably expect my wife to change jobs and have better boundaries the next time. But I can see where many would not want to take that step. If he was just in the same comany this may be different. But they work together. Not good. They may be on good behavior or just take it underground. Risky is the word that comes to mind. It is possible he may quit but then again she is the newbie there.

You guys should do His Needs Her Needs along with the boundary setting.
 
#27 ·
If she drives to work, use a VAR, at least do so for a while, for your own peace of mind

You may have stopped this early enuff, but if it even got somewhat emotional, he is in her mind, and it may be a while before he comes out of there, so you have to stay alert----also know this----she has a propensity for screwing around, what you are going thru has proven it---so don't just think this can never happen again----you have to do the things that are necessary to make sure this will never happen again---and she has to do her part----main problem is, you can only control yourself

The 2 of you need to work on the mge, and make it a place that you both want to be, that will cut off any thoughts/designs of going outside the mge-----good luck, and stand tall
 
#28 ·
I know the whole thing sucks big time... when I confronted him and asked him if he would like it if I did the same to his wife and how would he feel if I went and tried to sleep with his wife he said "no sir i wouldnt"

This whole situation drives me nuts and I wish it never ever happened.... I wish it would go away.... at times I feel good about things and feel happy but when my mind starts to think about it and what could of happened I go nuts.... Basically when my wife says she would of never slept with him I use a nutty analogy.. I tell her basically you and him were adding all the ingreditents to make a great beef stew but at the end the intentions where to just throw it aways is complete BS to me... I told her that if I were doing what he was doing then my intentions where to get in the womans paints...
 
#30 ·
I'm sure this isn't easy... but I think you are handling this the right way. I know it would be easier for you for her not to see him daily but that doesn't seem to be an option you are pursuing. In that case I would stay in contact with the OMW and keep comparing notes. Good thing you confronted early, probably was heading to a full blown A.
 
#31 ·
People make mistakes - it may have been that being the newbie at work your wife was anxious to be accepted by team members. Too bad one wasn't stand-up enough to warn her of this pig. I'm fairly sure others on the team know of his true character. And unless you have reason to think otherwise you should place a bit more than half the blame on that.

Way to be vigilant and protect you marriage. You said your marriage was having problems. Well, your actions thus far (which have been excellent) should show her that you care enough about the marriage to protect it... and really, her in the long run. It would have ended in nothing but a devastated life for her.
 
#32 ·
I want to thank everyone for all the comments.... Right now the hardest thing I am dealing with is to no bring up the situation anymore and try to work on moving on.... what happens is I go a few days happy and then all of a sudden everything comes back into my mind and I get upset and we start to argue and I start asking questions and what ifs... then of course she starts to feel upset and says she understands she did wrong and she knows that she hurt me but that she now wants to only focus on reparing our marriage and feels like everytime I bring up the past it puts us back to ground zero again.... to me it seems easier said than done to stop talking about the situation... but I figure with time it will get better...
 
#33 ·
... she understands she did wrong and she knows that she hurt me but that she now wants to only focus on reparing our marriage and feels like everytime I bring up the past it puts us back to ground zero again....
Emphasize to her that it's your goal too. However, part of repairing the marriage is feeling secure that your work will not be undermined by further contact/actions on her part. Tell her that it'll be a while before you feel confident enough to let this episode fade into unspoken memory.

But that part of protecting your marriage is to ensure that all is now well. Not just her understanding that it was 'a bad thing to do'.

I feel confident that you'll repair well but she'll have to pull the plow while you heal.
 
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