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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 09-16-2012, 07:28 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife and Coworker

Hi I wanted to post my situation online and hear from others. My wife recently started a new job working in a more professional company. She has been working with this company for two months now. I will admit that our marriage has not been the best for a few years and we openly admitted this and have been trying to work on it. About a month ago I got a gut feeling that something was going on and I started asking my wife if things were ok.. she would always say they were fine and not to worry. After a week I checked her cell phone and noticed she was looking up the lyrics to a song that was a bit romantic and I asked here what made her look it up? She said she heard it on the radio, which I then proceeded to check the stations site and noticed it was never played in the play list... she still said she heard it on the radio and we moved on. The next day I logged into her work email (She gave me the password before to setup her cell phone with the email) While I was logged in I noticed one of her coworkers send her a little smilley and asked her if she was busy... When she said yes he kept sending her sad faces. This was at the end of the day and when my wife called me I asked her what was going on with this coworker... she swore nothing was going on but I kept on asking... after 24 hours she admitted that her and this coworker had been flirting back and fourth and that they had an attraciton to each other... she says that it just felt good and flatered her to have him flirt with her. After a few days of arguing and asking more questions she also admitted that the guy did send he a sexual song and also would make compliments of liking her body and at times would send her little chat roses. She says to me that she didnt beleive anything was wrong and that it didnt seem wrong since it was in chat and she didnt do it face to face with him. I asked her if she beleived that he wanted more and she said she didnt know but could assume he possibly did... she swore that should would never sleep with another man since she is married... but for me its hard to understand when she would of drawn the line?? This guy works on her team at work and was making advances at her that she didnt stop.. she says that if he would of tried to get her to go out alone of if he crossed the line of being physical she would of stopped it.. I dont beleive it and think that it would of been a matter of time until this would of been a physical affair. As of now we are in counseling and she has told the guy that everything needs to stop and they can only talk about business. Even though she did this I still cant stop thinking about the what ifs while she is at work. I have also went to the OM wife and told her everything I found out as well.

Can anyone shed some light or advice... Some people tell me I am being childish about this and that I should just forget about it but I tell that this hurts just knowing someone was trying to get into my wife's paints and she didnt stop it... her only excuse is that she didnt think it was bad since it was a chat and that she would never of sletp with him... of course she would say that once she is caugth.
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Old 09-16-2012, 07:42 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife and Coworker

You are not being childish. Yes it is bad - very bad. They are headed for an EA at the very least. Since he has already gotten sexual with her and she did nothing to stop it - a big red flag here.

This guy is being totally inappropriate and your wife is not stopping it. She is enjoying the attention. Now you have to be very watchful as they may take it underground.

I would consider exposing the inappropriate behavior to the company HR since they are using company equipment and resources.

What has the OM's wife said?

BTW - no cheating spouse will admit that they want to sleep with the OM. Matter of fact very many admit that they did not think they could ever actually do it - until they did.

She didn't think anything was wrong with doing what she did? BS. Ask her how she would feel if she found out you were having secret sexual chat with another woman.
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Old 09-16-2012, 08:04 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Hi I wanted to post my situation online and hear from others. My wife recently started a new job working in a more professional company. She has been working with this company for two months now. I will admit that our marriage has not been the best for a few years and we openly admitted this and have been trying to work on it. About a month ago I got a gut feeling that something was going on and I started asking my wife if things were ok.. she would always say they were fine and not to worry. After a week I checked her cell phone and noticed she was looking up the lyrics to a song that was a bit romantic and I asked here what made her look it up? She said she heard it on the radio, which I then proceeded to check the stations site and noticed it was never played in the play list... she still said she heard it on the radio and we moved on. The next day I logged into her work email (She gave me the password before to setup her cell phone with the email) While I was logged in I noticed one of her coworkers send her a little smilley and asked her if she was busy... When she said yes he kept sending her sad faces. This was at the end of the day and when my wife called me I asked her what was going on with this coworker... she swore nothing was going on but I kept on asking... after 24 hours she admitted that her and this coworker had been flirting back and fourth and that they had an attraciton to each other... she says that it just felt good and flatered her to have him flirt with her. After a few days of arguing and asking more questions she also admitted that the guy did send he a sexual song and also would make compliments of liking her body and at times would send her little chat roses. She says to me that she didnt beleive anything was wrong and that it didnt seem wrong since it was in chat and she didnt do it face to face with him. I asked her if she beleived that he wanted more and she said she didnt know but could assume he possibly did... she swore that should would never sleep with another man since she is married... but for me its hard to understand when she would of drawn the line?? This guy works on her team at work and was making advances at her that she didnt stop.. she says that if he would of tried to get her to go out alone of if he crossed the line of being physical she would of stopped it.. I dont beleive it and think that it would of been a matter of time until this would of been a physical affair. As of now we are in counseling and she has told the guy that everything needs to stop and they can only talk about business. Even though she did this I still cant stop thinking about the what ifs while she is at work. I have also went to the OM wife and told her everything I found out as well.

Can anyone shed some light or advice... Some people tell me I am being childish about this and that I should just forget about it but I tell that this hurts just knowing someone was trying to get into my wife's paints and she didnt stop it... her only excuse is that she didnt think it was bad since it was a chat and that she would never of sletp with him... of course she would say that once she is caugth.
It seems she was very happy with his advances. Ever go on a date and put your arm around a girl's shoulders, or hold her hand? If she doesn't say no or physically recoil, it means yes. Same thing with this type of flirting. If you don't reject it, and respond in kind, it means, "keep it coming."

No one is as naive as your wife to say she didn't think it was wrong because it was just chat, that it was OK to encourage a guy who she had a mutual attraction with knowing he wanted more. You shouldn't accept that type of argument from her and let her know in no uncertain terms that you don't believe it.

You are right on target with the way you are thinking about this. Don't let her and others who don't know the situation as well as you do make you feel crazy for feeling the way you do. You have a right to expect your wife will reject other man's advances.

Have you checked her earlier work emails to see how/when this started?

Continue to monitor her email and if the flirty stuff continues from him, insist that she complain to her supervisor about sexual harassment.

Put a voice-activated recorder under the seat of her car with some heavy-duty velcro and monitor for a couple of weeks to see if she sticks to her "just business" talk.

I don't think you're ready to hear this yet, and I know your wife isn't, but she absolutely is not going to be able to keep it strictly business with this guy for whom she admits an attraction and inappropriate behavior, still saying she sees nothing wrong with it. The behavior is going to continue and escalate. Maybe with the voice-activated recorder and monitoring her work email you will be able to at least save yourself a lot of time and catch it sooner rather than later.

Good job on exposing to the other man's wife. Let her know if other man and your wife continue their flirty or worse relationship.

Also keep in mind that now that wife has told other man to keep it strictly business, the flirty stuff from him should be treated by your wife as sexual harassment. She has the right to work in an environment free from the unwanted advances of other employees.
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Old 09-16-2012, 08:11 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I'd go see him myself and tell him to knock his sh*t off or I'll bust his a*s for him.
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Old 09-16-2012, 08:16 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I'd go see him myself and tell him to knock his sh*t off or I'll bust his a*s for him.
If you can, take your wife out to lunch or stop in to her office right before quitting time to take her to dinner and introduce yourself to the other man. Let him know that since your wife has asked him to stop, any of his advances and flirting will be sexual harassment. Observe her reaction as well as his.
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Old 09-16-2012, 08:52 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I would also send a polite note to her hr department letting them know what happened and that you have handled it. They will most likely offer OM a refresher course on sexual harassment.
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Old 09-16-2012, 09:26 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Inform the HR department and if the guy is married or in a relationship, send her one too. This guy is a predator, going after married woman and you neeed to be very proactive before thee affair escalates(if it hasn't already). Then send him a mail that you know what he is sending you wife and would appreciate that if he cc'ed you in the mails. Work place affairs are the easiest to have.


Check her phone records and mail so that you have the whole truth about her affair. I have a feeling that it was more than what she confessed.
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Old 09-16-2012, 09:34 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by BayArea View Post
Can anyone shed some light or advice... Some people tell me I am being childish about this and that I should just forget about it but I tell that this hurts just knowing someone was trying to get into my wife's paints and she didnt stop it... her only excuse is that she didnt think it was bad since it was a chat and that she would never of sletp with him... of course she would say that once she is caugth.
Bay this was absolutely going toward an EA and it's hard to think your wife didn't know it. These people calling you childish are either naive or are insulting your intelligence. I hope you hold your wife accountable for her bad behavior and don't let her minimize that she was on her way to an EA and probably PA.

She needs to start looking for another job or else he does.
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Old 09-16-2012, 09:37 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Thank you for the responses... she does NOW admit that she knows it was wrong and has asked for forgiveness. she says she wants to focus on our marriage and to fix us.. I do admit that we have had issues for sometime now that were not given attention.

I am trying to control my emotions and feelings and focus on the repair of my marriage... We have a young daughter together and I dont want to break up my marriage. We have started counseling and talking about issues we both have..

When I told the OM wife she was terribly upset with her husband and my wife and rightfully so... I also did comfront the OM before telling his wife and told him to knock it off... of course he took the position of that he was just chatting with her and he had no intentions of doing anything more (BS TO ME)...
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Old 09-16-2012, 09:39 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I would also send a polite note to her hr department letting them know what happened and that you have handled it
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Old 09-16-2012, 09:46 PM   #11 (permalink)
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of course he took the position of that he was just chatting with her and he had no intentions of doing anything more (BS TO ME)...
Ask him if he would be ok if you spoke to his wife similarly. Now is a very crucial time. They might take the affair underground. Your wife might be a good person but cheaters can the best actors. Usually work place affairs resume very easily and can be hidden without much problem. You need to employ your own methods to verify that the affair did end.
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Old 09-16-2012, 09:51 PM   #12 (permalink)
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If your wife, works for a large company maybe she can transfer to another facility, or she needs to quit work-----

This guy has dug himself into her psyche, and she wanted it, so an EA, is there, even if not admitted to---so she cannot really see him at work, if you are to have a successful R.

Also, you and your wife, need to talk 30 minutes everyday, or longer, about everything, light-hearted, serious problems---just talk

Take her out on date nights---go back to your courting period and emulate that---Marin county should be nice in the fall---or see the giants play if they make the playoffs, or go over to Golden gate fields, and go to the races--go down to the wharf and walk around--take her out and do things--------COURT HER.
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Old 09-16-2012, 09:56 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Thank you for the responses... she does NOW admit that she knows it was wrong and has asked for forgiveness. she says she wants to focus on our marriage and to fix us.. I do admit that we have had issues for sometime now that were not given attention.

I am trying to control my emotions and feelings and focus on the repair of my marriage... We have a young daughter together and I dont want to break up my marriage. We have started counseling and talking about issues we both have..

When I told the OM wife she was terribly upset with her husband and my wife and rightfully so... I also did comfront the OM before telling his wife and told him to knock it off... of course he took the position of that he was just chatting with her and he had no intentions of doing anything more (BS TO ME)...
It's nice to see that you've done some things right. Too often on TAM the BS just doesn't get it. You confronted her Right. You confronted OMW Right. You confronted OM Right. You are trying to focus on repair Probably right. In counceling Right. And based on these steps you've taken, your wife admits it was inappropriate Right.

Don't be fooled if she has only learned to be more careful. Check into VAR, keep tabs on phone and text, make sure she's transparent, etc. I'd get "Not Just Friend" and "His Needs/ Her Needs" and both of you read them both. If you truly stopped this where you think you did then I wouldn't focus so much on what could have happened that you undermine your relationship however you do need to watch her closely now.
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Old 09-16-2012, 10:09 PM   #14 (permalink)
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what phone does she use?
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Old 09-16-2012, 10:34 PM   #15 (permalink)
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This sounds a lot like my story except with the difference that the EA/chats were with someone remote. The colleague part is also common in that there is a suspected local guy that works at the same employer as my wife.

My wife also received advances/sexual comments from the on-line guy and did nothing to discourage them.

You have done a good job so far and you are definitely not acting like a child!!

It sounds like you should get hold of MMSL (Married Man Sex Life) ASAP and read it. I got this advice on my thread but avoided it initially. I implore you to spend the $10 and get the pdf and read it. It's not big and it may change your life; it has mine.
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