Originally Posted by BayArea
Hi I wanted to post my situation online and hear from others. My wife recently started a new job working in a more professional company. She has been working with this company for two months now. I will admit that our marriage has not been the best for a few years and we openly admitted this and have been trying to work on it. About a month ago I got a gut feeling that something was going on and I started asking my wife if things were ok.. she would always say they were fine and not to worry. After a week I checked her cell phone and noticed she was looking up the lyrics to a song that was a bit romantic and I asked here what made her look it up? She said she heard it on the radio, which I then proceeded to check the stations site and noticed it was never played in the play list... she still said she heard it on the radio and we moved on. The next day I logged into her work email (She gave me the password before to setup her cell phone with the email) While I was logged in I noticed one of her coworkers send her a little smilley and asked her if she was busy... When she said yes he kept sending her sad faces. This was at the end of the day and when my wife called me I asked her what was going on with this coworker... she swore nothing was going on but I kept on asking... after 24 hours she admitted that her and this coworker had been flirting back and fourth and that they had an attraciton to each other... she says that it just felt good and flatered her to have him flirt with her. After a few days of arguing and asking more questions she also admitted that the guy did send he a sexual song and also would make compliments of liking her body and at times would send her little chat roses. She says to me that she didnt beleive anything was wrong and that it didnt seem wrong since it was in chat and she didnt do it face to face with him. I asked her if she beleived that he wanted more and she said she didnt know but could assume he possibly did... she swore that should would never sleep with another man since she is married... but for me its hard to understand when she would of drawn the line?? This guy works on her team at work and was making advances at her that she didnt stop.. she says that if he would of tried to get her to go out alone of if he crossed the line of being physical she would of stopped it.. I dont beleive it and think that it would of been a matter of time until this would of been a physical affair. As of now we are in counseling and she has told the guy that everything needs to stop and they can only talk about business. Even though she did this I still cant stop thinking about the what ifs while she is at work. I have also went to the OM wife and told her everything I found out as well.
Can anyone shed some light or advice... Some people tell me I am being childish about this and that I should just forget about it but I tell that this hurts just knowing someone was trying to get into my wife's paints and she didnt stop it... her only excuse is that she didnt think it was bad since it was a chat and that she would never of sletp with him... of course she would say that once she is caugth.
It seems she was very happy with his advances. Ever go on a date and put your arm around a girl's shoulders, or hold her hand? If she doesn't say no or physically recoil, it means yes. Same thing with this type of flirting. If you don't reject it, and respond in kind, it means, "keep it coming."
No one is as naive as your wife to say she didn't think it was wrong because it was just chat, that it was OK to encourage a guy who she had a mutual attraction with knowing he wanted more. You shouldn't accept that type of argument from her and let her know in no uncertain terms that you don't believe it.
You are right on target with the way you are thinking about this. Don't let her and others who don't know the situation as well as you do make you feel crazy for feeling the way you do. You have a right to expect your wife will reject other man's advances.
Have you checked her earlier work emails to see how/when this started?
Continue to monitor her email and if the flirty stuff continues from him, insist that she complain to her supervisor about sexual harassment.
Put a voice-activated recorder under the seat of her car with some heavy-duty velcro and monitor for a couple of weeks to see if she sticks to her "just business" talk.
I don't think you're ready to hear this yet, and I know your wife isn't, but she absolutely is not going to be able to keep it strictly business with this guy for whom she admits an attraction and inappropriate behavior, still saying she sees nothing wrong with it. The behavior is going to continue and escalate. Maybe with the voice-activated recorder and monitoring her work email you will be able to at least save yourself a lot of time and catch it sooner rather than later.
Good job on exposing to the other man's wife. Let her know if other man and your wife continue their flirty or worse relationship.
Also keep in mind that now that wife has told other man to keep it strictly business, the flirty stuff from him should be treated by your wife as sexual harassment. She has the right to work in an environment free from the unwanted advances of other employees.