tinatina

I have recently discovered a secret cell phone hidden in our motor bike full of girls' numbers.
In the end I confronted him and we had the first truthful conversation so far. He confessed that he didn't really love me that much when we got married and that in the first few months he had sex with other women.

He also told me that he is attracted to dark skin toned girls with black hair and black eyes (I'm kinda fair with blonde hair and green eyes) and that to be honest he is not sure why we got married in the first place because he loved other girls more.

I also told him that he was just supposed to be a one night stand after a bad breakup with a boyfriend that I loved a lot.
And that I too also would like to have sex with other men sometimes but I don't act on it.

Now unlike him, I find my husband very attractive and I didn't love him from the very first time I saw him too but I do now (and I did when I agreed to marry him too).

I don't feel like I have the strength to leave him now (we are a interracial couple and I'm living in his country which could be a factor) and I came up with the idea of an open marriage.

Now the thing is although I brought it up I don't think I can go through with it. The idea of him being with other women is driving me crazy and also the idea of him not being as attracted to me as I am to him brought my self esteem to a very low point (problem that I did not have before).

I even went as far as to go have sex with a guy hoping that will make me feel better but it didn't.
I know other men might want me but I want him to want me.
He said he doesn't want to break up and that he does love me now but he still can;t control his true desire to sleep with other women.

Now my question is not whether to divorce or not.
My question is how do I try to cope with this (until I feel like I can finally divorce him) because I am not a open marriage kind of person and he is not the traditional kind.

sharkeey

Sounds like you've tried everything.

Maybe a different guy?

Could be the last one just wasn't your type.

AlphaHalf

If you want to stay married to a cheater then that is your choice. IMHO, The only thing an open marriage does is create jealousy, distrust and the constant worry of STD's. Don't drop your personal boundaries for anyone because it'll harm you in the long run. Especially for a man that cheated on you and admitted to not loving you. Even if he "loves you" now he still cheated on you. And what was his reason "dark skin toned girls with black hair and black eyes". Seriously?????

Find a man that will appreciate and love you for who you are. Not this childish selfish idiot.

MattMatt

MC? Then see how it goes.

An open marriage is like an open sewer. Full of nasty stuff and they let off a stench.

Riverside MFT

Just because you make one mistake, it doesn't mean you have to keep making other mistakes. It sounds like the foundation of your marriage was pretty shaky from the beginning. It sounds like neither of you were committed to this marriage. Just because you made the mistake of not going fully prepared into marriage, doesn't mean that you have to keep making the mistake of putting up with inappropriate behavior from a married man. You appear to be trying to rationalize this behavior. You are better than that. You deserve someone who will love and respect you.

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*LittleDeer*

My guess is that he is changing history based on how he feels now that he has cheated.

You could give him the chance to recommit to you and change his behaviour, that would mean he is able to see what he is doing, be honest about it all and being an open book in future. Also I don't beleive he's not attracted to you, he's just got poor impulse control and new women seem very exciting and attractive. He's causing that issue. If he focused on you as a husband should he would probably not feel that way.


If I were you though, I wouldn't invest any more time in a man who didn't love me as he should and who was so disrespectful. Whatever you do, don't waste any more time in your current predicament.
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sinnister

You can't "cope". You tried that. You compromised on the open marriage idea. You actually went through with it and it sucks.

He's a liar by the way. Not really loving you when first married is BS. He's being blinded by the p*ssy right now.

cpacan

What does it take for you to get the strength to leave/divorce?

At least he is now being honest about the situation and his feelings. And of course your self esteem is suffering from this.

I think you need to decide for yourself if want to cling to your husband at any price, because I think it is gonna cost you mentally, if you try to cope with it instead of deal with it.

You can't make him want you, if he doesn't. The only way I can think of coping is a deep level of accept. Accept that he doesn't have to love you, accept that he might see other women, accept that he isn't attracted to you - all of this just because it is... just what is. Whether you choose to live a polyamorous lifestyle yourself doesn't necessarily impact this.

But again; I think it will be a huge challenge to pull this off without loosing the rest of your self esteem. So consider carefully the alternatives and decide how you want your life to be (psstt... plenty of fish in the sea who wants green-eyed blondes)

Take care of yourself.

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My story, part 1: Eight months past D-day Part 2: Ten months, W's lack of remorse? Part 3: Divorce or...?