09-18-2012, 09:51 AM
Join Date: Jan 2012
| | Re: Husband confessed cheating and not being attracted to me but loves me.Now what?
Originally Posted by tinatina
I have recently discovered a secret cell phone hidden in our motor bike full of girls' numbers.
In the end I confronted him and we had the first truthful conversation so far. He confessed that he didn't really love me that much when we got married and that in the first few months he had sex with other women.
He also told me that he is attracted to dark skin toned girls with black hair and black eyes (I'm kinda fair with blonde hair and green eyes) and that to be honest he is not sure why we got married in the first place because he loved other girls more.
I also told him that he was just supposed to be a one night stand after a bad breakup with a boyfriend that I loved a lot.
And that I too also would like to have sex with other men sometimes but I don't act on it.
Now unlike him, I find my husband very attractive and I didn't love him from the very first time I saw him too but I do now (and I did when I agreed to marry him too).
I don't feel like I have the strength to leave him now (we are a interracial couple and I'm living in his country which could be a factor) and I came up with the idea of an open marriage.
Now the thing is although I brought it up I don't think I can go through with it. The idea of him being with other women is driving me crazy and also the idea of him not being as attracted to me as I am to him brought my self esteem to a very low point (problem that I did not have before).
I even went as far as to go have sex with a guy hoping that will make me feel better but it didn't.
I know other men might want me but I want him to want me.
He said he doesn't want to break up and that he does love me now but he still can;t control his true desire to sleep with other women.
Now my question is not whether to divorce or not.
My question is how do I try to cope with this (until I feel like I can finally divorce him) because I am not a open marriage kind of person and he is not the traditional kind.
What does it take for you to get the strength to leave/divorce?
At least he is now being honest about the situation and his feelings. And of course your self esteem is suffering from this.
I think you need to decide for yourself if want to cling to your husband at any price, because I think it is gonna cost you mentally, if you try to cope with it instead of deal with it.
You can't make
him want you, if he doesn't. The only way I can think of coping is a deep level of accept. Accept that he doesn't have to love you, accept that he might see other women, accept that he isn't attracted to you - all of this just because it is... just what is
. Whether you choose to live a polyamorous lifestyle yourself doesn't necessarily impact this.
But again; I think it will be a huge challenge to pull this off without loosing the rest of your self esteem. So consider carefully the alternatives and decide how you want your life to be (psstt... plenty of fish in the sea who wants green-eyed blondes)
Take care of yourself.
We all make mistakes, it is how we handle them that defines us. Mistake, definition: An error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc.
My story, part 1: Eight months past D-day Part 2: Ten months, W's lack of remorse? Part 3: Divorce or...?