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Wife, Best Friend betrayal

129K views 302 replies 84 participants last post by  GusPolinski 
#1 ·
I am in the shock phase. I appreciate your perspectives.

Yesterday I found out that my wife of 6 years and best friend of 2 years had crossed the line of friendship into affection.

This is devastating on so many levels.

This story is complicated so I will try for succinct phrasing. I apologize in advance for not knowing the shorthand for all of this.

Paraphrased: My wife and (ex) best friend were both fired yesterday from a company that the (ex) best friend’s brother owns. We are all married respectively and were friends up to this point; vacationed together, hang out weekends etc.

In short, the brother found compromising IM's between my wife and (ex) best friend incriminating the two of them in concocting this flirtatious alternate reality where they would joke about ending up together, compliments etc. a slew of things that are clearly crossing the boundary.

My (ex) best friend’s wife works there as well and was best friends with my wife as well as a new mother of my (ex) best friend’s child.

The brother made my (ex) best friend come clean to his wife and my wife came clean with me later that evening when I got home from work. I spoke to the brother later to verify the events.

Their selfish actions have devastated my life, my poor (ex) best friend’s wife, destroyed friendships and at the least harmed the brother who lost his two best employees

Nothing short of a monumental F. up

Background: We are all in our early thirties, all married several years, normal lives, good jobs, no substance abuse or strange behavior or lifestyle choices.

Wife(we) have fertility issues so for the past several years we have been focusing on that and it has been very tough emotionally and fairly tough financially.

All around, and someone will call me on this later, we have had a very good healthy relationship. We had been friends in school and in our late teens we both came out of unhealthy relationships and found each other. We talked about how to build a strong foundation and agreed to open communication, financial strength, no cussing at each other etc. After a few years of dating and engagement, we married and started our lives together. We worked hard, had a healthy relationship, attended church with some frequency and for all intents and purposes seemed to be laying the groundwork for a solid relationship.

Here is where the damage multiplier comes in. This is not her first time doing this to me. She was involved with a coworker/boss several years ago just 8 months into our marriage. I dealt with it as constructively as possible and really tried to facilitate the healing. Months went by, things got better, and she did a lot to help rebuild our relationship. I could probably be a little guilty of “sweeping”

Now several years later it is hell’s Groundhog Day but this time my (ex) best friend is involved.

So now I feel like I’m left to decide our fate and what could she say to me that I could believe?

How can I feel or know she is truly sorry?

when should we seek marital counseling?

Does she have some latent psychological issues related to her childhood abuse that gives her this trouble with boundaries and affection for “authority” figures?

I have no answers. Trying to work through the emotions…. Again.

Thanks for your input.
 
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#2 ·
Limited info from your post:

1. Was it a PA? If it wasn't why were they fired?

2. You seem to be making excuses for your wife in the post to find a way to get over it. Is she Remorseful or is she treating it as having fun with your Xbf and it is an overreaction by you and her previous Boss?

3. Also she did this in the past and you R. Did you just forgive or did she make some of the changes necessary for the R?
 
#5 ·
Hi,

I am not a judge or anything, but I may interpret situation like what if this could happen in my life? Hard to imagine ,but, anyways... My point might not be fit for al lsituations, and may not fit to your situation, but I want to say that, no man will do anything, if a woman lets him to....
Dont get my word too serious, but I would have a strong man talk with my friend at first.
Specially if this is not the first time... If there was second time... who said there will be no third?
In this case, I would choose to still have my frined with me, rather than stay completely alone.
Again, repeating, this is only my opinion, and it is based on thing I believe, that no man will have a sex with a woman, if woman does not want it...
And it is just me, who would choose to keep friend. I think, I could understand him. But, I, myself, could never do anything like that to my friends, of course....

Sorry, bro. :(
 
#6 ·
Here is where the damage multiplier comes in. This is not her first time doing this to me. She was involved with a coworker/boss several years ago just 8 months into our marriage. I dealt with it as constructively as possible and really tried to facilitate the healing. Months went by, things got better, and she did a lot to help rebuild our relationship. I could probably be a little guilty of “sweeping”
Personally, just because of the bolded part, I would suggest that you just leave her. She crossed the line twice? How much easier will the third time be for her.

Just file for divorce and meet someone that won't do this to you, no children and only married for 6 years, no more marriage.

But that may be just me, I know it's hell going through this once, I will never go through it again.

You gave her a pass before, now take it back and leave, you're better than this.
 
#7 ·
So now I feel like I’m left to decide our fate
And get that feeling out of your head right now, you didn't do anything to cause this, she is the one that decided the fate of the marriage, namely because she broke it twice.

Her fault, not yours, she knew how this would affect you, no excuses.
 
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#8 ·
I am so sorry you are here. I used to think that all affairs were equally devastating but yours has a sting to it that is heart breaking.

I would try and make no immediate decisions. I think this is so important when we are suffering through severe emotional trauma.

I do not say that in hopes you save your marriage or seek to divorce. That is your choice though I must say two affairs is one more than I would be able to swallow. One was more than enough for me.

Beyond that, you need time and you need to love yourself. If I were you, I would start exercising. It helps so much. You are not going to feel like eating but you need to. Anything is better than nothing but do try and eat as healthy as you can. It does make a difference.

Share your feelings. Be honest. Be patient with yourself. Be thankful you do not have children in this equation.

I hope you keep in touch here. You are going to get a lot of good advice. You are going to get some bad. You are going to hear from us betrayed spouses and from those of us that did the betraying. You will see the bitter and the brave.

Know that you are NOT alone. You did NOT do this. This is NOT about you. You did NOT deserve this. You deserved so much more.
 
#140 ·
Sorry for you, I feel with you. All I could say is already said by other posters, only I would especially support the advice to be healing now first for yourself:
 
#10 ·
Thank you all for your responses. I appreciate how quick you work and will try to answer each that I can.

rrrbbbttt : not a PA. fired because the brother doesn't put up with any B.S. he did the right thing IMO. by doing so forced it to be aired out.

2. I am fairly guilty of making excuses. she is very remorseful, very shaken, just like the first time.

3. she did make positive changes and we really worked on it. I had never forgot but had forgiven and we were stronger so I thought.

OnmyWay - I am inclined to do just as you suggest. I am taking it slow but just can't picture how R would go successfully.

Falene - thank you for your kind and much needed words.
 
#16 ·
rrrbbbttt : not a PA. fired because the brother doesn't put up with any B.S. he did the right thing IMO. by doing so forced it to be aired out.
How are you so sure it wasn't a PA,as you were shocked only yesterday to find out about the EA?
 
#18 ·
I would NOT listen to the advice about making it up with your 'friend'. Heck, I've been scummy enough to be tempted by my friend's girls.

Here is the thing: He betrayed YOU. He betrayed his WIFE. He betrayed his CHILD. And he betrayed (in a certain way) his BOSS/BROTHER.

So...what does that tell you about his sense of loyalty? It's easy to be a friend when it's sunny. It's a lot harder when it's raining.

***

Here is what I'm not exactly sure of. WHAT exactly did they do wrong? Flirting? An EA? Do you have copies of the exchanges? Whatever it was was enough to be FIRED over? WTF?

I've flirted before. I'd hope my wife wouldn't divorce me over FLIRTING. I know she would if I started another EA with anyone...which, if this is true, seems to be in the situation you are in. Brother could just be a hyper prude.

Not excusing. Just not clear on the offense.
 
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#19 · (Edited)
Random thoughts....

you believe that this is only the 2nd time she has willfully ignored marital boundries? and by shear luck you caught her both times? lol.

After the first instance you lost the benefit of being niave or blindly trusting. Now, like it or not.. Real trust is not something you will ever have again. The deep scars, and residual dysfunction will take awhile to show...

Try to let go of your ideals about how things are supposed to be or how you would like them to be...

Try to step back and imagine a very dear old friend coming to you for advice and guidance... imagine him telling you the story you have outlined here.. What would you tell him?

Follow that advice.

and if you hear the word 'but' pop into your mind, realize that's denial. You don't want things to be as they are... but that doesn't change a damn thing.

Clear as a bell, facts that can not be changed...

Your Wife broke marital boundries and had an affair within 1 year of being married. That is an EPIC red flag. An almost unrepairable mistake, an unmistakable indication of deep problems... and yes, it was an affair. and yes, it was likely much worse and went much deeper than you are aware...

After being caught, she not only ignored the clear risk of losing you forever she also decided to multiply the betrayal x100,000 by CHOSING to have another affair with your BEST FRIEND who is also the husband of her BEST FRIEND. Same applies, yes it was an affair and yes, it was much worse and much deeper than you are aware.
That's not even a red flag. Flags are warnings... This is a right hook to the nuts. "hey stupid, im damaged goods and I will destroy you and anything else that is beautiful in my life".

I'm really sorry for you, I hope what im saying doesn't sound brash or callous...

I only hope you will step back and understand with some level of dettachment... These are hardcore, 'level 5' betrayals... She has deep problems your not fixing regardless how many white picket fences you put up around her... She needs help. If you choose to stay and decide to continue trying to raise children with this women (cringe) ... Realize with open eyes the decision your making. She will destroy you, do you need more proof?

FWIW... Best wishes brother, Im really sorry this has happened to you again.
 
#20 ·
TBT - first, I may have misunderstood what PA meant but in context I now understand it to mean physical attraction or sex. I though you meant PA like a law firm or something that would might have such policy


JCD - I have no intention to make up with my "friend"

also, I'm not the jealous type nor a prude.

as far as the crime, I don't know the extent of the crime but the brother says they were never alone, I can't think of when they could have been either so if something physical happened we will probably never know. based on the IM's this seemed to be more of an emotional attachement/escape that they got into for some reason. We don't know how long it would have gone on or what level it would have escalated to if not caught. If this was the only time I would be more inclined to work through it since it seems to be on the more mild side depending on your perspective.

MattMatt - I agree if she needs genuine psyc counseling I want to see she gets it whether we R or D. I still Love her.
 
#21 ·
Pit of my Stomach - I think your thoughts are correct and appreciate the stern kick.

I did lose the fairy tale after the first time and can't be certain that this time is really the second.

I thank you all for your views. this is helping me more than I thought.
 
#23 ·
Kudos to you´r BIL.

But in all honesty,who would fire a brother for "little affectation"As
it has been portrayed. In some IM´s. Why was your BIL even looking threw them ,to begin with? I mean your BIL went APE S..t. fired them on the spot..So i think you should prepare your self,that is more to this story then you have been told. Caught red handed comes to mind..Yes i know, i know.Might just be my Bull s...t radar.
As usually.Think about it.in the end,you can get new friend´s but family?like i said in the end,family is family.. Little "affection" sound´s way better then,a full blown affair at family get toghter´s.

You´r BIL might look out for the greater good of his own family..
Im hopping im wrong here..
 
#24 ·
PA stands for physical affair. And she most likely had one. 2 years is a long time.There was a poster whose wife had quickies in her lunch breaks. Don't underestimate how creative people in an affair can be.

get her tested for STDs. The truth will slowly come out in the next few days. Denial will be your worst enemy. Seize her email accounts, facebook, phone and change the passwords. She will be busy deleting the digital trail if she hasn't already
 
#25 ·
Before you even think of reconciling, I suggest you take the time and effort to get the full truth. You need to know what you must overcome. Right now, all you know is that your wife acted inappropriately enough to get fired. What exactly happened, and what other boundaries have been crossed in the six years of marriage.

Then, you need to see that your wife is truly remorseful. You need to make a list of demands for you to even consider reconciling. You should read many of the other posts here to get an idea of what "heavy lifting" your wife should be expected to do. That is, if you even want to reconcile. As others have pointed out, it might be best to split ways than try to work through this.
 
#26 ·
Jonesey, sorry for the confusion. he's not my brother in law. he is the brother of my now (ex)best friend if that makes it clear

He told me they were fired mainly because the (ex) best friend's wife works there as well and other ppl. had noticed the flirtation and was unacceptable. its a small office with no private spaces really.
 
#28 ·
Jonesey, sorry for the confusion. he's not my brother in law. he is the brother of my now (ex)best friend if that makes it clear

He told me they were fired mainly because the (ex) best friend's wife works there as well That´s is what i mean,protecting hi family in the long run. and other ppl. Of course they played a part of it to..I mean how would that look. if it looked like he had known the whole time.had noticed the flirtation and was unacceptable. its a small office with no private spaces really.
BIL or brother to now ex best friend.Makes no different.

My point here is. Try not to take to much stook in what your
ex best freind brother is saying..You are not part of his FAMILYThe wife of your ex best friend is..
He has incentive to down play this..I could be wrong here.

I sincerely hopes so..Have you put key logger on your home computer?have checked call log´s? That could be a good start
 
#27 ·
here2learn and others - how do you know when someone has truly come clean of all the details? I don't think I could ever really know.

Also, I'm not comfortable seizing her accounts and tape recording her etc. if I have to do that I really have nothing I feel which is probably no better than where I am now. I guess I feel like severity isn't really rewarded or punished in infidelity. I don't see value in the nuances. I derive the worth of saving the relationship based on what happens after.
 
#29 ·
You ask her for a written timeline of events. Tell her to take her time, but you will not accept her trickle-truthing you, so this is her one shot to come clean. Others have suggested having her take a lie detector test. But at a minimum, you need to demand access to e-mail, social media, Skype -- total transparency. And you should try to retrieve her text history. Buy a couple of voice-activated recorders and place in locations where she may try to have a private conversation, such as a car. Listen for anything that may indicate she hasn't been totally forthcoming. If she hasn't, I don't see how you can trust her enough to reconcile.
 
#35 ·
I am a firm believer in not asking a question that you don't want answers too.

But...you already have answers. You just don't have WHOLE answers.

If you can't handle the truth, don't dig. But don't for a second pretend that you aren't trying to mentally cover thing up for her. At least be that honest with yourself.
 
#36 ·
Some woman, for whatever reason, are simply addicted to the attention of new men. They crave the validation that they get from flirting with men and having the men flirt. They are, of course, remorseful and sorry - when they are caught. But like an alcoholic or drug addict, they always move on to the next "high".

Sooner or latter the flirting will not be enough and she will have a physical affair with someone.

Women like her accept that sex is the price they pay for the attention they crave.
 
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