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Wife, Best Friend betrayal

129K views 302 replies 84 participants last post by  GusPolinski 
#1 ·
I am in the shock phase. I appreciate your perspectives.

Yesterday I found out that my wife of 6 years and best friend of 2 years had crossed the line of friendship into affection.

This is devastating on so many levels.

This story is complicated so I will try for succinct phrasing. I apologize in advance for not knowing the shorthand for all of this.

Paraphrased: My wife and (ex) best friend were both fired yesterday from a company that the (ex) best friend’s brother owns. We are all married respectively and were friends up to this point; vacationed together, hang out weekends etc.

In short, the brother found compromising IM's between my wife and (ex) best friend incriminating the two of them in concocting this flirtatious alternate reality where they would joke about ending up together, compliments etc. a slew of things that are clearly crossing the boundary.

My (ex) best friend’s wife works there as well and was best friends with my wife as well as a new mother of my (ex) best friend’s child.

The brother made my (ex) best friend come clean to his wife and my wife came clean with me later that evening when I got home from work. I spoke to the brother later to verify the events.

Their selfish actions have devastated my life, my poor (ex) best friend’s wife, destroyed friendships and at the least harmed the brother who lost his two best employees

Nothing short of a monumental F. up

Background: We are all in our early thirties, all married several years, normal lives, good jobs, no substance abuse or strange behavior or lifestyle choices.

Wife(we) have fertility issues so for the past several years we have been focusing on that and it has been very tough emotionally and fairly tough financially.

All around, and someone will call me on this later, we have had a very good healthy relationship. We had been friends in school and in our late teens we both came out of unhealthy relationships and found each other. We talked about how to build a strong foundation and agreed to open communication, financial strength, no cussing at each other etc. After a few years of dating and engagement, we married and started our lives together. We worked hard, had a healthy relationship, attended church with some frequency and for all intents and purposes seemed to be laying the groundwork for a solid relationship.

Here is where the damage multiplier comes in. This is not her first time doing this to me. She was involved with a coworker/boss several years ago just 8 months into our marriage. I dealt with it as constructively as possible and really tried to facilitate the healing. Months went by, things got better, and she did a lot to help rebuild our relationship. I could probably be a little guilty of “sweeping”

Now several years later it is hell’s Groundhog Day but this time my (ex) best friend is involved.

So now I feel like I’m left to decide our fate and what could she say to me that I could believe?

How can I feel or know she is truly sorry?

when should we seek marital counseling?

Does she have some latent psychological issues related to her childhood abuse that gives her this trouble with boundaries and affection for “authority” figures?

I have no answers. Trying to work through the emotions…. Again.

Thanks for your input.
 
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#39 ·
Yeah. I mean, who checks IMs etc? It would have to be pretty heinous stuff to even twig the perviest IT guy.

Most likley, someone walked in on them while they were in a clench or touching each other inappropriately. THAT Boss Brother (Not YOUR brother) couldn't cover up.

If she doesn't know her inner demons, she'll keep visiting them. So IF you want to R, you need to wait quite a while.

Happily Divorce is much quicker and thorough.
 
#40 ·
The IM's were left on his old laptop the boss was refurbing (so goes the story)

Breaking News! I checked the cell records and she had a 40 minute conversation with him today. WOW. twist that knife.

So I called and asked if she had talked to anyone today. she said no. I said the phone company says otherwise. then she says she didn't know why she has these feelings, doesn't understand how it happened, doesn't want to hurt me, etc etc. but she still admits to having them. I guess that's pretty clear cut huh? <sarcasm>

If and only if she was fully remorseful and was working on positive change etc. today was I going to even consider R. with this new info, I don't think she has left me with any choice really.


Thanks all for your coaching and help. I welcome your input.
 
#44 ·
The IM's were left on his old laptop the boss was refurbing Hardly refurbishing is almost, always done if you want to sell ,the unit...In this case laptop i assume.Employee´s are informed and getting ample time to clean out, Both company and personal files to a back up server..Hardly likely that he figured it this way.(so goes the story)

Breaking News! I checked the cell records and she had a 40 minute conversation with him today. WOW. twist that knife.
This is why i did not buy the intial story.
So I called and asked if she had talked to anyone today. she said no. I said the phone company says otherwise. then she says she didn't know why she has these feelings, doesn't understand how it happened, doesn't want to hurt me, etc etc. but she still admits to having them. I guess that's pretty clear cut huh? <sarcasm>

If and only if she was fully remorseful and was working on positive change etc. today was I going to even consider R. with this new info, I don't think she has left me with any choice really.


Thanks all for your coaching and help. I welcome your input.
 
#46 ·
Originally Posted by ssap
The IM's were left on his old laptop the boss was refurbing (so goes the story)


Left on his boss,laptop.Seriously man? i know you love her.
You really need to dig and dig deep.Have you key logged computer at home yet?Checked Facebook,and so on??

So what is your plan now when you relived one of your sources
of the 40min call,whats your plan?
 
#48 ·
Whether you end up reconciling or not, you need to be decisive. You need to be harsh. You need to move out of your home or have her move out. You need to stay separated for at least a month.

This will show you what she is made of. Will she say 'oh well' and move on to some else, or will she earn your forgiveness. Will she show true remorse. Will she fight for your marriage.

If you don't act, and let this be explained away without showing her consequences, it will only happen again.
 
#52 · (Edited)
The fact that she only confessed because her affair partner was outed is not a good sign.

It indicates she will likely remain in the affair fog for a long time.

Someone here called it "affair interruptus".

When that happens be prepared to be blamed and to have your marital history rewritten and to here really nasty mean, untrue, things come out of her mouth.

Sorry you are here.
 
#57 ·
Props to the brother of the OM. Being able to show his own kin that he doesnt stand for that type of behavior takes fortitude.

Your wife is a repeat offender. And at such a young marriage too. It should be obvious now that you'll have decades of issues with your marriage from now on.

Frankly, the cliche "you cant turn a ho into a housewife" may have some merit here. And, why would you want to?
 
#69 ·
Props to the brother of the OM. Being able to show his own kin that he doesnt stand for that type of behavior takes fortitude.
I was going to recommend sending a TY card to the boss. BUT I think Jonesy may be on to something. It's beginning to look a bit suspicious. But that's only a problem if you genuinely want to get at the truth.

At the moment you seem to have all the 'truth' you can handle. Still if you have ANY thought of R once again you'd better get the entire truth out there. Even if you're not considering it, it might be a good move as an immunization against minimizing and blaming you for any part of this.

Rest, exercise, eat healthy - don't dwell on this 24/7.
 
#58 ·
You already know everything you need to know. All a keylogger is going to do is shove knives deeper into your heart. If you need that to help you detach and motivate you to do what you already know in your heart has to be done... So be it. Start digging.

Give yourself a little time, this is a process. Soon enough you'll come to clarity on this. Your marriage is over my friend. This kind of damage is terminal. You deserve so much better than this. This relationship has to be put down.

It's going to get really messy and your mind is going to be all over the place. Start protecting yourself, withdraw yourself and your finances now. You'll feel better when you start taking action to look out for yourself. I've been there.
 
#59 ·
Thanks all. you work so fast I can barely keep up with responses. I am sad that you are all so knowledgeable about this subject. I reflect on it.

The OMW knows, the brother we are all so fond of forced that ouster, she is devastated no doubt

my wife is confessing to her mother now.

she was totally different when I got home. said she did want R and can't lose me etc. etc. crying etc. said she was very sorry etc. etc.

I cried too but can help to have some resolve about the situation to the effect that most agree on at this point.

I do want to see her get some counseling but can't see being there past that.

I am working on sorting out finances and trying to not have this bankrupt me and cause even more fallout.
 
#79 ·
The OMW knows, the brother we are all so fond of forced that ouster, she is devastated no doubt
The wife knows of the original affair. She does NOT know that they are still trying to keep in contact.

You need to tell her that her scumwad of a husband is still scummy and not to believe his lies.
 
#61 ·
shaggy - how would that change my course? which is worse a kiss or strong emotional attachment.

a thoughtless one night stand or a long standing friendship that confuses the lines between friends and love?

I think its different for everyone.
 
#62 ·
Why would a kiss/ONS/a strong EA make a difference for you at this point?

She cheated 8 months within the marriage.
Now she's doing it again.

Do you really need proof of ONS/kisses before you leave her?
If you don't find further proof, what makes you think she won't do it again (more) in the future?

The signs are already there.
She's good at deviating from this marriage.
 
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#64 ·
This is not her first time doing this to me. She was involved with a coworker/boss several years ago just 8 months into our marriage. I dealt with it as constructively as possible and really tried to facilitate the healing. Months went by, things got better, and she did a lot to help rebuild .
On the contrary, if you'd delt with it constructively, you'd been rid of her 9 months into your marriage and by now been settled in with a loyal, trustworthy woman. You should now be grateful you have an opportunity to correct your error. Seize the power and cancel her ticket.
 
#80 ·
While I agree he didn't handle it constructively, that does not mean he should have just knee jerk tossed her away. I believe (I HAVE to believe) that people can change. That forgiveness is an option. I'm not perfect. Neither is his wife, the OP or you.

At some point, if it hasn't happened already, you will commit a heinous act and want grace. Will you 'deserve it'? No. But let's make WISE forgiveness a part of our outlook.

(BTW, ssap? You did NOT do wise forgiveness orginally)
 
#65 ·
The first thing to remember is that lying is the cheater's native language. She said it was an EA, it was kissing, when she finally admits to you that they may have kissed once or twice, you'll know they had full-on sex, etc. I know this doesn't matter to you at this point, it's just to show you that you can't *trust* anything she says, and you don't have the full truth. It will trickle out over the coming months. This should do nothing more than strengthen your resolve.

At this point your wife appears to be a serial cheater and hence, not marriage material. Recovery is possible but you will have to live the rest of your life checking up on her. The first step would be a polygraph test to see if she has even told you the truth about either of these affairs. If you're not interested in R, then I would suggest you not wait around. File for D, and recommend some good counselors she could talk to. There is no need for you to fix her for her next man, that's her job. You go fix yourself and find a woman whom you can trust and build a life with.
 
#66 ·
Hey ssap---I will tell you one thing---if for some reason, you decide to R----there is only one way to do that---HARSH----you MUST play HARDBALL

She has to face REALITY---she can have all the counseling in the world---but if she percieves you as weak, and circumstances arise, and she can justify taking on another man---SHE WILL CHEAT AGAIN----you already know that the weakness is there

I understand you do not want to spend the rest of your life as a parole officer, but if you R, that is gonna have to happen

With this so called wife of yours, you need EXTREMELY HARSH BOUNDARIES, a post--nup, AND SHE NEEDS TO FACE REALITY, AS IN NO MORE ELECTRONICS OF ANY KIND, NO MORE CC'S, AND SHE will GET HERSELF A JOB, AND PAY HALF OF EACH AND EVERY BILL THAT COMES IN FOR ANYTHING, AND EVERYTHING

You toss her out of the marital bedroom, you are not to be a nice--guy to her, and there is no lovey--dovey for now

These things must occur, for her understand you are deadly serious------you tell her if there is one more contact tween her and him, of any SORT, for any REASON---the mge. is over on the spot, and you will seek an atty., immediately

These are things you must do, to get her to understand, what is at stake, and that she is to be ACCOUNTABLE----this is all, over and above counseling---this is what YOU REQUIRE of her to stay in the mge-----she can never again percieve you as weak----

Right now she thinks, what are you gonna do to her---so she takes you on, as in her 40 minute conversation----she can stop the contact---if SHE WANTS TO----but you must make sure she knows, there are no more chances of any kind!!!!!!
 
#67 ·
Hey SSAP,

I just want to tell you that you're not alone in this situation. My wife and one of my best friends were having a physical and emotional affair for six and a half years before I discovered it, walked away and filed for divorce.

I'm no expert on this topic, but as someone in a similar situation, I want to echo a previous poster's advice - forget about how things "should" be or how you want them to be. You need to look at the facts here and make a very unemotional practical decision about HOW YOU WANT TO LIVE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Be honest with yourself about how things are likely to go if your R. You're only in your early 30's? That's a long time to endure more of the same. No one is perfect, but it takes a certain kind of person to engage in extra-martial play, and it sounds like your wife "has the gene". Imagine what would be happening right now if you HAD been successful having a child with this woman? If you think that would change her capability for going outside the marriage, I think that might be naive.

I really do wish you the best. While I had clear evidence and then an admission of my wife having sex with the other man, once I made the decision to divorce and move on, I've been a new man. I started making better decisions, taking better care of myself and looking at what I want/expect/demand out of any future relationship in a whole new way.

My positive thoughts are with you, Brother. Good luck in whatever path you choose.

BFF
 
#72 ·
The phone call and the length of it suggests they talked in depth about something. Most likely it was about their feelings for each other and how they would continue in contact and face to face meetings without you or OMs wife knowing.

She lied to your face again. How many times are you going to take that? Anything she admits is a partial truth and minimized for your benefit.

"Doesn't want to hurt you" = Keep you around to pay the bills and provide a place for her to live until they can make their plans.

"Having feelings for OM" = He is her "soulmate" and so much better than you. He "gets" her while you do not. He is easy to talk to while you never listen to her. Shall I go on?

Your wife is a serial cheater and the two times that you know about is most likely the tip of the iceberg.

Why would you want to stick around while she gets help for her problem. Are you going to "fix" her for the next man in her life? That is just nuts.

Get out now. Separate finances. Change life insurance. If you have a will - change it. Cut up all credit cards. Stop paying for anything that she has especially the phone. Take half of the money out of all joint account and open a new account for you only.
 
#73 ·
lovely girl - I agree and think my statement echoes that.

jonesey - I'm sorry if that was unproductive. I am here for guidance.

stringpicker - touche sir. well put.

bff - thank you for sharing. I very much value your input and experience

sandc - i agree thanks for your input

TDSC60 - I don't pretend I can fix anyone. out of love and sympathy, however misplaced, I want to see her better if possible.
I may on the path to D. but know that real help may be need for some people some time.
 
#75 · (Edited)
lovely girl - I agree and think my statement echoes that.

jonesey - I'm sorry if that was unproductive. I am here for guidance. Not my intention.But have you taken the first steps i laid out for you yet?
One thing to remember in reconciliation is.See it for what is.
In your case,please try not to make some excuses for her..It wont work.Again sorry if you took it the way you did.I just wish you would stand up for your self.

stringpicker - touche sir. well put.

bff - thank you for sharing. I very much value your input and experience

sandc - i agree thanks for your input

TDSC60 - I don't pretend I can fix anyone. out of love and sympathy, however misplaced, I want to see her better if possible.
I may on the path to D. but know that real help may be need for some people some time.
 
#74 ·
What Shaggy may be saying is to do a poly if you still want R as she goes thru IC.
That way you will have answers to ?? like whether she bonked any guys while you 2 have been together.

Now plz don't feel bad if you do want R, there are guys here who wives bonked multi guys and they are still together.

By the same token, don't feel bad for D/ing.
You gave her another chance. and she blew it.
Just KNOW it will take a long while to build back that trust.
 
#78 ·
Man you need to blow this really hard. If you don't kill this just now you won't even have the chance to think about what you want. The affir must stop now. So nuclear exposure. Everybody knows. Stay in tyouch with BWw, you know four eyes better than two.
Lawyer up, find your rights, find out what to expect.
Kick her out of the bedroom.
Demand her to send a NC letter (Ask her for templates), demand complete transparence with comunication devices and acountability of whereabouts. On her back you gt yourself on PI mode (keyloggers, checking the back account, checking the phone bill, spyware on the cell, VAR, GPS, whatever you need to be sure you are not made a fool, she's going to get in touch with him by email, by a secret phone...).
Demand a full disclosure. Demand her to back up it with a polygraph. If I were you I'd try to get those IMs from work. Contact MOM's brother, ask them.

Demand her to deal with her demons at IC, demand her to find out why the hell she's a serial cheater with no boundaires.
Demand her to get help in how to fix this, by reading about indifelity, by reading about mending marriages.

Taylor the 180, back off, stay at arms lenght.
 
#81 ·
Sorry about the "sucker punch" you just received from your wife. It's indefensible. You've gotten the best advice from the best on what is really happening and what you should do. Too bad you didn't get ahold of her phone and look at mesages and photos before she most likely cleaned it. That 40 minute phone call was them getting their story straight.
 
#82 ·
A few reflections:

-First off, I wouldn't get too worked up about the best friend thing. She thought she was safe with this guy and things sort of fell down the rabbit hole...probably for both of them.

That said, friends don't send crotch shots to friends wives. There are all kinds of lines there that got crossed enough to be enraged and yes, you should end the friendship. The biggest problem there was your wife spent 8 hours a day with this guy AMD whatever other time you guys spent as couples. Take the 8 hours of sleep away, her 8 hours at work and did you spend that much time a day with your wife? I think not.

Just something to watch for.

-You don't know what they discussed in the phone call. Maybe it was a good bye call, maybe it was commisserating with each other (recall that they were BFFs at this point) and maybe they were discussing your next business trip and which Motel 6 they were going to meet behind.

-The sudden turn around in her behavior? If you lift your wife's skirt, you will not doubt see the teeth marks of your MIL in her @$$ (Metaphorically speaking) The fact that SHE is telling her mother has to be a mark in her favor....MAYBE! She could be spinning the truth and minimizing things too. So your next step is to TALK to the MIL about what she was told and 'fill in the gaps' including the first affair.

You may be shocked at what she was told or you might be pleasantly surprised.

Good Luck
 
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