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Wife, Best Friend betrayal

129K views 302 replies 84 participants last post by  GusPolinski 
#1 ·
I am in the shock phase. I appreciate your perspectives.

Yesterday I found out that my wife of 6 years and best friend of 2 years had crossed the line of friendship into affection.

This is devastating on so many levels.

This story is complicated so I will try for succinct phrasing. I apologize in advance for not knowing the shorthand for all of this.

Paraphrased: My wife and (ex) best friend were both fired yesterday from a company that the (ex) best friend’s brother owns. We are all married respectively and were friends up to this point; vacationed together, hang out weekends etc.

In short, the brother found compromising IM's between my wife and (ex) best friend incriminating the two of them in concocting this flirtatious alternate reality where they would joke about ending up together, compliments etc. a slew of things that are clearly crossing the boundary.

My (ex) best friend’s wife works there as well and was best friends with my wife as well as a new mother of my (ex) best friend’s child.

The brother made my (ex) best friend come clean to his wife and my wife came clean with me later that evening when I got home from work. I spoke to the brother later to verify the events.

Their selfish actions have devastated my life, my poor (ex) best friend’s wife, destroyed friendships and at the least harmed the brother who lost his two best employees

Nothing short of a monumental F. up

Background: We are all in our early thirties, all married several years, normal lives, good jobs, no substance abuse or strange behavior or lifestyle choices.

Wife(we) have fertility issues so for the past several years we have been focusing on that and it has been very tough emotionally and fairly tough financially.

All around, and someone will call me on this later, we have had a very good healthy relationship. We had been friends in school and in our late teens we both came out of unhealthy relationships and found each other. We talked about how to build a strong foundation and agreed to open communication, financial strength, no cussing at each other etc. After a few years of dating and engagement, we married and started our lives together. We worked hard, had a healthy relationship, attended church with some frequency and for all intents and purposes seemed to be laying the groundwork for a solid relationship.

Here is where the damage multiplier comes in. This is not her first time doing this to me. She was involved with a coworker/boss several years ago just 8 months into our marriage. I dealt with it as constructively as possible and really tried to facilitate the healing. Months went by, things got better, and she did a lot to help rebuild our relationship. I could probably be a little guilty of “sweeping”

Now several years later it is hell’s Groundhog Day but this time my (ex) best friend is involved.

So now I feel like I’m left to decide our fate and what could she say to me that I could believe?

How can I feel or know she is truly sorry?

when should we seek marital counseling?

Does she have some latent psychological issues related to her childhood abuse that gives her this trouble with boundaries and affection for “authority” figures?

I have no answers. Trying to work through the emotions…. Again.

Thanks for your input.
 
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#117 ·
The MOST breaking news ever

as most of you suspected and were correct. there is more new news!

the OM's W called me today and told me that she now knows that they did have sex and gave me the details.

the wife had gone for a walk and when she came back I asked if she had more to tell me. she said yes and also the the OM W had just sent her a text message saying a few things and telling that she had just had a convo with me.

So the wife proceeds to repeat the details. she was crying on the floor while doing so. I told her that she had to leave.

she started having a panic attach while packing so severe that she quick breathing and was truly unresponsive, I thought she was having a seizure.... called 911. then wife came to and pleaded not to send an ambulance so they send duputies instead.... the advice of the evening.... "we need counseling" thanks officer I think that is spot on.

wife calmed down, cops left, she started packing again, my brother came over to help me stay sane and as we speak he is following her (with her knowledge) over to her brothers house to stay.

In spite of my wife having sex with my best friend in the back seat of her brand new truck which I pay for, I still have a duty to her safety.

I am seeing that this duty is shortly relieved though. I cannot go back from this.

You guys (and gals) really know you're stuff and know I do to and I am sad for all of us.
 
#121 ·
Sorry man, we knew it was coming.
Let her be the one to ask to come back. Tell her your list of requirements for not filing inmediately, ask her to seek help on how to fix this mess. The ball is in her court.
Remeber my "requirement list"? She has to come clean, demand a timeline of the affair; When, what, where, how, who.
Beware she's going to still keeping to famage contol this by TT'ing the whole thing. She's going to put the star of all this way after the real start (boundarie crossing from "friendship" to EA to PA). You are for a rude awakening when you learn how deep is the rabbit hole.
She has to vomit the whole thing.

Another thigs is she's now angry at OM, he clearly trhew her under the bus, surely painting her as a predator who ralentless persued him untill he caved in. You can pretend you buy it for the time being, keep the lines of comunication clear with BW.

Now you need to add inmediately a STD test (which of course also aplies to you). It will be humiliating for her (another deterrent for the future).

Hang though, man
 
#123 ·
Don't make any choices now. You are at least in as much shock as she is.

I am enough of a lapsed Christian to not say it's your duty to reconcile or forgive. But you need a chance to calm down.

I feel for you and I'm sorry it came to this.

You're angry, you have a right to be angry, and it will take a long time to get over being angry.

So take your time. One thing I read which seems to have some wisdom in it is take three days to rage and rail against this. Get drunk. Break things. Spit profanity. Cry and wail if you need to. Get it out of your system. Don't do anything self destructive. If Christ could come back from the dead in three days, you can come back from this in the same amount of time.

Then put your big boy pants back on and get on with life.

Maybe it's crap advice but it's something to think about.
 
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#125 ·
Immediate consequences:

The truck you are paying for and she used for sex, gets sold. Even if you loose money on the deal. It is gone.

Exposé to family ASAP so they know.

Btw, notice how she didn't tell you, it took the OMW to tell you. I bet there is still more that you still have not been told.

Take alfthe family money ASAP and move your pay into an account only you have access to.
 
#128 ·
:iagree:

Not sure about the truck though.

If she wants to reconcile, SHE gets to tell the family with all the gruesome details as related to you.

If it's over, it's over. Start seperating your stuff, do the 180, not to entice her back but to emotionally distance yourself.

Do not have sex with her. Not even a good-bye screw.

Give her the want ads. She'll need a new job.

Make three lists: Things you insist on having, things you don't want, and things you're willing to trade.

Copy your financial records now.
 
#127 ·
Let me take you back to your original post:

Paraphrased: My wife and (ex) best friend were both fired yesterday from a company that the (ex) best friend’s brother owns. We are all married respectively and were friends up to this point; vacationed together, hang out weekends etc.

In short, the brother found compromising IM's between my wife and (ex) best friend incriminating the two of them in concocting this flirtatious alternate reality where they would joke about ending up together, compliments etc. a slew of things that are clearly crossing the boundary.
At my company inappropriate texts would get you a talking to by the HR department. I'm an IT Manager by trade so I assist HR in investigations all the time. Flirting and EA's happen at work. They get counciled, not fired. Maybe a letter in their file.

What would get you fired is having sex on the premises. Whether within the building or in the company parking lot. This is what I'm starting to suspect happened. They went out to her truck and were spotted having sex by another employee or even the owner.

Has the owner of the company ever shown you the content of those "inappropriate texts?" I can't remember.
 
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#129 ·
thanks all, she did give the same details as the OM's W so they could be a a product of the 40 minute convo yesterday (two days ago now that its after midnight est)

I have enough info to get my house in order. my family and hers knows about it.

about selling the truck, it will be gone in short order. the resulting issue is that the fertility ate all my cash and savings and the rest got put on credit cards. until we started the fertility, I had lots of cash, no debt and one card that got paid off monthly. I decided to trade financial security for the hope of children so now I am going to lose everything I have (including the truck which I want gone now!) as i can't cover all our debts.

I will lose and I will lose but losing all of this is better than wasting my life with a person like that would do this to me. which is a very weird statement to make about your wife.

JCD - I am not trying to make these decisions too fast but its kind of hard not to in the face of all these truths. I will forgive but I can't promise much else.
 
#130 ·
You are still learning things, so you CAN'T make a rational or informed decision now. (Granted, anything else that comes out will probably make things worse...)

I am not in a Reconcile At All Costs philosophy.

Now, you spend a cubic sh*tload of money on the woman you loved. That's a good and admirable thing. Remember that. Unfortunately the person now inhabiting her body killed that woman by her choices.

It's money. Money burns. You aren't crippled. You're not dead. You can make more money.

Insist she get a new job very soon. Inform your lawyer that she WORKED but any malingering on her part now is an act of will, not of fiscal necessity.

You're not in as bad place finanacially as you think. Just keep whittling away.
 
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#133 ·
So incredibly sorry, ssap. Been there with the fertility procedures. Cubic $$ and now it all seems so incredibly pointless. I hope you take some solace in the truth that knowing now how much she really valued your relationship, it is a BLESSING that you DIDN'T have kids.

I am sending positive thoughts your way. All the best to you, Brother. NO ONE deserves this sh*t. You'll be better on the other side of it all.

BFF
 
#134 ·
Next on the cheaters script, if it hasn't started already, will be texts and phone calls pleading for another chance.

You'll likely be told "I thought you didn't love me any more" "it just happened" "you seemed so distant" "he meant nothing to me" "the sex was awful" "why throw away x years of marriage, we can work it out" "I'll make it up to you" "we used protection" "Ilove you"
I'm sure some of the other posters here will have other stock examples.

Some cheaters, when they realise they are not getting through will then turn nasty and say some pretty vindictive things, then an hour or two later will be nice again.

If the seperation continues for some time you may have a jealous wayward accusing you of sleeping with other women (honestly).

One thing to think about when she tells you that she loves you and only you is that a mans semen lasts about 5 to 7 days in a woman. So if you had a relatively healthy sex life still, it is likely that your wife still had some of him there when you made love. Eeeeew

On rare occasions they will just bail but considering the panic attacks etc I think you are in for a rough ride yet.
 
#135 ·
thank you all for your kind words my way. I know money is just that, I am okay losing it all. I do still have a good job so i can rebuild

JCD - I agree that it is still 'in process'. I will try to not make those decisions too soon.

bff - thank you so much for your thoughts, I feel guilty not having had the time yet to find and read your story as bricks are still falling from the sky for me. I will read it.

I am thankful that this situation isn't complicated by kids.

my brother was here most of the night and is a very good person to be around. I also have (other) good friends for comfort.

I can't help but to wonder if this is the reason all the fertility treatment wasn't working? I don't always like to draw lines like that though.
 
#136 ·
wyshiknew - she already admitted to unprotected and other details.

the only silver lining is that we hadn't had sex in at least a month and she had been cold towards me which had me looking for clues

the no sex thing though she said was from the various fertility shots etc she was on. guess that was just for me.

I do expect her to turn somewhat violent at some point. her self-preservation will kick in at some point and I will see that raw emotion of more selfishness.

I am working to be prepared for that legally, financially, emotionally
 
#138 ·
Get a VAR for your bedroom and living room. Unless you decide to move out (I wouldn't from a LEGAL standpoint of assets) she might very well claim abuse at some point to try to bring you down to her level. Defend yourself.
 
#139 ·
More breaking info the OM, my ex best friend called to apologize and say he was a piece of sht. says I never did anything to deserve it and I treated him like a brother (thanks for the reminder)

I said OK


Well that was big of him!

Obviously not enough like a brother to stop him lying by omission to you.

I do hope that it is now not ok!!

If he tries to talk to you again just tell him "sorry you must be mistaking me for someone who gives a sh1t"
 
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#141 ·
Ssap

Sorry it turned out this way or you.

When you get a chance read BFFs thread.

It will enlighten you.

It is alo a great example of how to move on after a traumatic event like this in your life.

Better you did find out before Yu or the OM had kids with her.

Your wife is really sick. Realize this now. Who else would have unprotected sex with OM while on fertility drugs and being married to you.

Just sick.

I am glad she is out of the house.

Find some peace, get your emotions under control then make those tough decisions.

HM64
 
#142 ·
Maybe I am a cynic but I am little suspect about her panic attacks. And they stopped right after you called the ambulance, right? I think wouldn't it beyond her to fake the panic attacks. So just don't let her use the panic attacks as a manipulative tool(if she is doing so).

The betrayal is enormous here. She was making you pay for the fertility treatments while having sex with your (ex) best friend. She stopped having sex with you(which is good in the hindsight). She put you in debt while cheating on you. There are so many layers of betrayal here. Be very careful with this woman. Like you mentioned things could get bad once she realizes that you are dumping her.
 
#144 ·
My husband and I didn't throw barbs. Our tension was more insidious: After our first insemination attempt failed and we planned to try again, I began to resent the fact that I was the one booking the appointments, trekking to the doctor's office several mornings before dawn, lingering in waiting rooms, and getting blood tests and ultrasounds while J. slept peacefully.

Soon, our evening routine entailed syringefuls of synthetic follicle-stimulating hormones that I injected into my belly for weeks until I could feel my outsized ovaries jostle when I walked. This made any X-rated activities uncomfortable at best, downright painful at worst. The progesterone suppositories that followed — inserted every night at bedtime — rendered sex too messy to contemplate. More than that, they literally depressed me, inciting cravings for lasagna and midday naps. When I mention this to Keefe later on, he says that "progesterone is metabolized by the brain to a compound that's 10 times more sedating than a single Valium. So you might feel lethargic, bloated, and possibly constipated." None of which my own doctor had told me — but all of which explains why, between day one of each treatment cycle and the pregnancy test four or five weeks later, my husband and I had sex maybe twice.


Taken from Marie Claire Cara Birnbaum June 22 2009
That said, the insinuation is pretty appalling. That she didn't want sex with the husband for a month is understandable considering some of the seeming side effects. But she's got a lot of 'splainin to do about why Office Scumbag got a shot at her ovaries.

But I figure ssap is already done.
 
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#145 ·
Jonesey - I wasn't trying to ignore you, i just didn't have the information

JCD - I don't need a VAR for my bedroom. I sent her packing, made sure she couldn't get back into the house and am changing the locks. I will make sure she gets the rest of her stuff etc. but she won't be back in that house on her terms if I can help it.
and about the quote you posted, yes it is appalling. how she carved out a spot in her mind where she could do these things I will never understand.


WshIknew - he called before I found out about the sex. even still I could have called him every name in the book and continue to do so but that wont help me in any way. I feel very negative toward him but the limited energy I have now is to take care of myself.

warlock and Wazza - it is indeed enourmous and very low. she is sick and I cannot help her.

preservation of self, coping, and trying to make a path out of this destruction is my immediate goal. then i think the healing can begin.

thank you all for your thoughts and inputs
 
#146 ·
ssap

This is vitally important for you to realize.

In a divorce, it isn't only the assets which get divided 50/50.

She's on the hook for half of that In Vitro stuff.

Just thought you could use some cheering.
 
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#147 ·
So she's on fertility treatments - but not having sex with you - but is having sex with the OM - Soooo if she were to get pregnant it would have been his?

So you're paying for fertility treatments and She appears to be trying to get pregnant by the OM.

Wow - that is very very nasty.

The 40 min call was them planning on how to keep hooking up. Want to be she's got a plan to have you raise his kid?
 
#149 ·
None of you understand exactly what she has to do to get preggers.

She needs the drugs just to spawn more than one egg at a time.

Then the doctor needs to suck them out of her ovaries. They have to be comingled with the husband's sperm and then, out of the eggs which fertilize, a couple of good candidates get shoved back into her womb.

So if she got preggars in the back seat of her truck, look around for Gabriel to make an Annunciation.
 
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