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Wife, Best Friend betrayal

129K views 302 replies 84 participants last post by  GusPolinski 
#1 ·
I am in the shock phase. I appreciate your perspectives.

Yesterday I found out that my wife of 6 years and best friend of 2 years had crossed the line of friendship into affection.

This is devastating on so many levels.

This story is complicated so I will try for succinct phrasing. I apologize in advance for not knowing the shorthand for all of this.

Paraphrased: My wife and (ex) best friend were both fired yesterday from a company that the (ex) best friend’s brother owns. We are all married respectively and were friends up to this point; vacationed together, hang out weekends etc.

In short, the brother found compromising IM's between my wife and (ex) best friend incriminating the two of them in concocting this flirtatious alternate reality where they would joke about ending up together, compliments etc. a slew of things that are clearly crossing the boundary.

My (ex) best friend’s wife works there as well and was best friends with my wife as well as a new mother of my (ex) best friend’s child.

The brother made my (ex) best friend come clean to his wife and my wife came clean with me later that evening when I got home from work. I spoke to the brother later to verify the events.

Their selfish actions have devastated my life, my poor (ex) best friend’s wife, destroyed friendships and at the least harmed the brother who lost his two best employees

Nothing short of a monumental F. up

Background: We are all in our early thirties, all married several years, normal lives, good jobs, no substance abuse or strange behavior or lifestyle choices.

Wife(we) have fertility issues so for the past several years we have been focusing on that and it has been very tough emotionally and fairly tough financially.

All around, and someone will call me on this later, we have had a very good healthy relationship. We had been friends in school and in our late teens we both came out of unhealthy relationships and found each other. We talked about how to build a strong foundation and agreed to open communication, financial strength, no cussing at each other etc. After a few years of dating and engagement, we married and started our lives together. We worked hard, had a healthy relationship, attended church with some frequency and for all intents and purposes seemed to be laying the groundwork for a solid relationship.

Here is where the damage multiplier comes in. This is not her first time doing this to me. She was involved with a coworker/boss several years ago just 8 months into our marriage. I dealt with it as constructively as possible and really tried to facilitate the healing. Months went by, things got better, and she did a lot to help rebuild our relationship. I could probably be a little guilty of “sweeping”

Now several years later it is hell’s Groundhog Day but this time my (ex) best friend is involved.

So now I feel like I’m left to decide our fate and what could she say to me that I could believe?

How can I feel or know she is truly sorry?

when should we seek marital counseling?

Does she have some latent psychological issues related to her childhood abuse that gives her this trouble with boundaries and affection for “authority” figures?

I have no answers. Trying to work through the emotions…. Again.

Thanks for your input.
 
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#150 ·
I don't understand the thinking of women who have fertility problems, yet choose to cheat on their loving spouses who've done everything to help them. Is it their way of self destructing due to hopelessness? But that wasn't the case with BFF's wife, she was just selfish. I know having children is crucially important to most women and they're perhaps more adversely affected by infertility than men. Nevertheless, it's utterly cruel that you'd get "rewarded" in this way.
 
#163 ·
Yeah I don't get it too.
She should have been thankful to her husband for sticking with her, even-though it's because of her they can't have children.
And she cheats on him?
 
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#158 ·
If you can get evidence of them having more unprotected sex during your fertility procedures I would think you could use that to have the cost of these procedures deducted from her share of the split in case of devorce?

First, ssap said she can't get pregnant from intercourse.

She could screw the entire team of the Green Bay Packers in one train and it will do nothing for her. (Sorry for the visual)

Second, she's on the hook for half the debt in the house. Why wouldn't she be on the hook for half the debt of the fertility treatments...if not more so!
 
#155 · (Edited)
JCD and Complexity are correct. she cannot become inpregnated from intercourse. not even IVF at this point it seems

at some points during fertility treatments you actually have to "stage" by going on birth control which is where she had been the past few months in between other drugs that do other things, none of which were making her fertile per se. just creating an appropriate environment for an egg transfer like others mentioned.
 
#157 ·
If you can get evidence of them having more unprotected sex during your fertility procedures I would think you could use that to have the cost of these procedures deducted from her share of the split in case of devorce?
 
#160 ·
aug - the picture you paint gives me happy thoughts. I am hopeful a faithful and fulfilling life is ahead.

about the D and impending bankruptcy or whatever it turns in to, I'm not sure how all that works.

do we essentially mediate debts and then file bankruptcy separately.

I know she wont be able to pay her debts. the house will need to be forclosed, short sold something. not sure how to begin handling this part of the deal. I have an element of surprise right now that I would like to use to my advantage for the upcoming hell storm when her self preservation kicks in.

thank you all for your input.
 
#161 ·
That is what you pay the attorney for. And I'd throw a few hundred dollars at a tax accountant who has a lot of familiarity with both bankruptcy and divorce (I'll bet you'll be spoiled for choice on that last...:p It always seems to happen together...)
 
#164 ·
File your BK, together, then straighten out what you want to do for a property settlement, you don't want to be worrying about her debts, when its all over, should she not have filed on her own----also the 2 of you just pay the one fee----

Anything you wanna keep, such as a CC---you re-affirm with them, and continue paying thru the BK---but it is probably best to BK, everything

The BK court, will exempt you on most of your valubles, the car, and the house, and you can decide what to do about them

If you are gonna BK, stop paying on all your cards, and any other debts---make sure you BK, everything, even the little debts---it all goes---but at the end of the month, all of your money is yours to keep

Many don't like those who file BK---but just like D., the govt. gives you a 2nd chance----SO TAKE IT
 
#165 ·
thanks for the advice jnj express.

I don't like BK either, or D. or any of this. but decision indicates choice.

I have no choice and did not make the decision for this to happen. I am just trying to prepare smartly for the consequences of my WW's poor decisions so my next life with be burdened as little as possible by her actions.
 
#167 ·
So the wife is in major reconciliation mode. says she will do whatever it takes, wants nothing to do with AP, hates what she did to me etc. etc. even told me that he texted her today but she did not text back and told me because she wants nothing to do with him.

why why why do they wait until its too late to do this stuff. its madening.

Also met with a christian counselor today and while no rug sweeping was suggested, I was told that since we had sex before marriage that sent a message that it was ok to do it with other people during marriage.... and that our marriage wasn't hopeless and while I have the right to D that we just need to put Christ as the head of our marriage and things would work out.

So now I'm left with two options as I see it.

1) Divorce and feel guilty about it the rest of my life

2) reconcile and die a little more inside and pray every night she doesn't do this again.

Great choices. :(
 
#168 ·
So the wife is in major reconciliation mode. says she will do whatever it takes, wants nothing to do with AP, hates what she did to me etc. etc. even told me that he texted her today but she did not text back and told me because she wants nothing to do with him.
why why why do they wait until its too late to do this stuff. its madening.

She's saying what she thinks you want to hear

Also met with a christian counselor today and while no rug sweeping was suggested, I was told that since we had sex before marriage that sent a message that it was ok to do it with other people during marriage.... and that our marriage wasn't hopeless and while I have the right to D that we just need to put Christ as the head of our marriage and things would work out.

IMHO this is crap

So now I'm left with two options as I see it.

1) Divorce and feel guilty about it the rest of my life

It's not your fault

2) reconcile and die a little more inside and pray every night she doesn't do this again.

She probably will

Great choices. :(
 
#173 ·
She is clutching at the straws. She knows she is a done deal. I am thinking that her family is coming down on her heavily. Don't let her manipulate you to reconcile. She had her chance already, one that most spouses don't get. She messed up again. She got caught, she never confessed. Then she kept lying.
 
#175 ·
Okay, I'm a Christian. Your pastor is wrong. Christ Himself said you are within your rights to divorce when there has been adultery by your spouse. You shouldn't feel guilty about it for the rest of your life, she should. You should divorce and find a good Christian woman who understands what a marital vow is. Your wife doesn't understand it is a covenant between a man, a woman, and GOD.
 
#177 · (Edited)
Almost recovered – you are right; I am trying to reconcile back to my faith not logic but it hard.

Sandc - he admitted that I am within my right and I don’t have to feel guilty about it but he felt it could be saved if I chose to take that path if she was sincere. that is what I'll feel guilty about.

Jonesey – her reasoning was that she liked the attention/compliments but could not say that I was not giving her the same attention and comfort. Even though she did physical things, she said it wasn’t for the sake of the physical, just the emotional attention/attraction that led to physical. I am not sure how I feel about that line of thought. She made and maintains no complaint about sex life, marital life etc.
So I guess that boils down to she really doesn’t have an answer I guess. How am I supposed to reconcile with that?

I agreed to talk to her today since after my session I was trying to open my heart up to God’s path whether I like it or not but talking to her and getting all the details etc. made me feel much worse. I told her I didn't want to be married to a woman that i had to keep locked up in a church.

I don’t want to make this a big religious debate so I’ll try to leave out as much of those musings and struggles as I can and still deliver my position.


Thank you all for your input.
 
#179 ·
Jonesey – her reasoning was that she liked the attention/compliments but could not say that I was not giving her the same attention and comfort. Even though she did physical things, she said it wasn’t for the sake of the physical, just the emotional attention/attraction that led to physical. I am not sure how I feel about that line of thought. She made and maintains no complaint about sex life, marital life etc.
So I guess that boils down to she really doesn’t have an answer I guess. How am I supposed to reconcile with that?
Yeah really,how are you supposed to reconcile that? By her reasoning no matter how great your marriage may be,it's just not enough.I wish you well in your deliberation and hope you come to a decision that is right for you.
 
#180 ·
She cheates because she's a black hole, she craves external validation and she has no boundaires not character. Period. ALl is on her.
Can it be fixed? Maybe, but with tons of intensive therapy (Sex abuse nd the whole side effects as compartimentalization...) and commiting herself to very strong boundaires forever.
Actually she should forget about reconciling the marriage for a while and pout her a$$ in therapy. Without personal recovery you wilde will never be marriage material. Hard to gras but truth.
She's seriual cheater. THis time has crossed inthinkable boundaires. She is a complete train wreck.
 
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