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Wife, Best Friend betrayal

129K views 302 replies 84 participants last post by  GusPolinski 
#1 ·
I am in the shock phase. I appreciate your perspectives.

Yesterday I found out that my wife of 6 years and best friend of 2 years had crossed the line of friendship into affection.

This is devastating on so many levels.

This story is complicated so I will try for succinct phrasing. I apologize in advance for not knowing the shorthand for all of this.

Paraphrased: My wife and (ex) best friend were both fired yesterday from a company that the (ex) best friend’s brother owns. We are all married respectively and were friends up to this point; vacationed together, hang out weekends etc.

In short, the brother found compromising IM's between my wife and (ex) best friend incriminating the two of them in concocting this flirtatious alternate reality where they would joke about ending up together, compliments etc. a slew of things that are clearly crossing the boundary.

My (ex) best friend’s wife works there as well and was best friends with my wife as well as a new mother of my (ex) best friend’s child.

The brother made my (ex) best friend come clean to his wife and my wife came clean with me later that evening when I got home from work. I spoke to the brother later to verify the events.

Their selfish actions have devastated my life, my poor (ex) best friend’s wife, destroyed friendships and at the least harmed the brother who lost his two best employees

Nothing short of a monumental F. up

Background: We are all in our early thirties, all married several years, normal lives, good jobs, no substance abuse or strange behavior or lifestyle choices.

Wife(we) have fertility issues so for the past several years we have been focusing on that and it has been very tough emotionally and fairly tough financially.

All around, and someone will call me on this later, we have had a very good healthy relationship. We had been friends in school and in our late teens we both came out of unhealthy relationships and found each other. We talked about how to build a strong foundation and agreed to open communication, financial strength, no cussing at each other etc. After a few years of dating and engagement, we married and started our lives together. We worked hard, had a healthy relationship, attended church with some frequency and for all intents and purposes seemed to be laying the groundwork for a solid relationship.

Here is where the damage multiplier comes in. This is not her first time doing this to me. She was involved with a coworker/boss several years ago just 8 months into our marriage. I dealt with it as constructively as possible and really tried to facilitate the healing. Months went by, things got better, and she did a lot to help rebuild our relationship. I could probably be a little guilty of “sweeping”

Now several years later it is hell’s Groundhog Day but this time my (ex) best friend is involved.

So now I feel like I’m left to decide our fate and what could she say to me that I could believe?

How can I feel or know she is truly sorry?

when should we seek marital counseling?

Does she have some latent psychological issues related to her childhood abuse that gives her this trouble with boundaries and affection for “authority” figures?

I have no answers. Trying to work through the emotions…. Again.

Thanks for your input.
 
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#182 ·
oh and she said she has no choice but to come back to the house tomorrow so I've got that to deal with too. she said she was going to stay in another bedroom and give me my space but I tell you its not space enough with her in the same county right now.

her parents told her it was "half her's too"
 
#184 ·
Tonight, go into her closet and dresser. Remove any sexy lingere, underwear, clothes, shoes, etc that she would have worn for him, put them in trash bag and donate them to a charity on the way to work tomorrow.

Take 50% of all cash assets and move them into a account only you control,

Cancel joint credit cards.

Go visit hr at her work and demand the full story.

See a lawyer.
 
#187 · (Edited)
Tonight, go into her closet and dresser. Remove any sexy lingere, underwear, clothes, shoes, etc that she would have worn for him, put them in trash bag and donate them to a charity on the way to work tomorrow.
Why would you inflict her skank clothes on some poor people? Don't they have enough troubles? ;)

Take 50% of all cash assets and move them into a account only you control,

Cancel joint credit cards.
You mean he hasn't done this yet?!? (Glances at ssap) You haven't done this yet? WHY? And I'd say take it all and keep reciepts. You can always give her her half back, but if 'her half' is needed to pay the Mortgage on YOUR (Plural) house, then she has to pony up her half. Or would you rather try to make a go of paying the bills ONLY on your half of the assets (if any) while she uses HER half to find a really good divorce attorney?

She will ask why her ATM card doesn't work anymore. You tell her seriously "We have half the income with you out of work from cheating and I still have the same bills. I want to make sure I'm not going to ruin my credit rating more than I have to from supporting your fertility treatments. If you need money, I'd suggest the want ads."

Go visit hr at her work and demand the full story.
IIRC, she's unemployed.
 
#185 · (Edited)
I'v been following your thread for many days.
Wow,
I know how that goes with a Pastor, they focus on redemption so much that they recomend it out of hand, and sometimes they really dont have exposure to the reality of an affair to see clearly.

She is in suvival mode, she wants half the house, wants to reconcile etc it's not genuine.

She will cheat again.
She cannot begin to grasp what she has done, she does and may never realize that she is poluted in your mind now, no one can expect you to live with that, there should be and there is NO guilt. Your feelings of guilt are not necessarily evidence of genuine guilt. In this case, it could just be a conflict with the norms of the christian community you are involved with.
It your choice either way!

I know this (below) is O.T. but it is true unless there is some reason to do differently. Some reason, might be , true remorse?
But thats not happening is it?

Jeremiah 3:1
God says, "If a husband divorces his wife And she goes from him And belongs to another man, Will he still return to her? Will not that land be completely polluted?
 
#188 ·
thank you all so much for your responses.

Decorum - I am starting to feel like she is not grasping what she has done as you have said. and thank you for the reference to Jeremiah.

JCD - I like that story. thank you for the laugh and I think its a great point that even if we go through all of this, she may not be restored. Am i willing to take that chance?...
 
#189 ·
JCD - No I haven't done that yet. I'm still trying to figure out how to handle the bill situation as in I can't pay them all and sadly there's not much honey in the pot right now so she can't do any damage.

I would just like to protect a few things that were my mothers before she passed. hopefully I can.
 
#190 ·
If you have X money and she takes Y money out, then she has done damage.

As far as the last point: that is what storage units are for. Steal a march on her in this regard. If money and things start disappearing, I think she'll get the memo without having to pay a process server.

Since you haven't closed the door on R, she can now start to be serious about how to fix this.
 
#192 ·
Your WW is a serial cheater. She cheated on you during your honeymoon stage. She probably cheated on you since and before her latest A. She wasn't going to stop and the only reason you found out was because they got careless and they got fired. She was telling him that she will leave and if he can love her. She is very selfish.

I wouldn't R with a serial cheater, since I am one I know all too well, we are very selfish,liars and self centered manipulators who will beg forgiveness and promise to be good.... did I mention we are liars.

Be Christian and forgive her, try to help her (but not as an enablier), but please don't stay married to her.... It will only cause you pain cause she will do this again.
 
#194 ·
SSAP---start the BK---if you have little or no money---that is what the BK is for, just stop paying your CC's and other bills that are not necessities.

In this country, you are allowed to BK, every 10 yrs, and there are couples who do BK, every 10 yrs, the govt., allows, so take advantage of it.---If you get a D., lawyer, he/she can do the BK, also.

You would only pay those bills such as utilities, insurances, etc

You can survive w/out CC's and at the end of the month---you DO have some money in your pocket--

Your wife does have the right to live in the house---just take all her clothes, and cosmetics, and stick them in one room, and tell her that is where she stays----tell her she is da*n lucky to have the one room, since she thinks that you are a POS, for that is what her actions say

You need to stop going to counselors---just sit down, and figure out what you want out of the rest of your life

The other decision is, in even contemplating a possible R., can you stand to be with this woman, for the rest of your life, and can you handle the loss of trust, the becoming a parole officer, the triggers, and visions---for if you stay with her, all that baggage comes with her

She all of a sudden "gets it"---and wants to R, cuz all of a sudden, she knows what reality looks like---if you D., her, she does not like the look of reality on her own----so of course you get to be the back--up plan

So comes the 3rd question that needs to be answered, WHY IS SHE STAYING---cuz she loves you---her actions say a loud no--------or cuz you are the bankroll, and she continues her lifestyle, and if she cheats again---cuz she gets bored with her POS H., so what, you will stay with her, as you did this time

These are the things---YOU MUST DECIDE---nothing/no one else, matters, this is all about the REST OF YOUR LIFE.
 
#196 ·
Here is where the damage multiplier comes in. This is not her first time doing this to me. She was involved with a coworker/boss several years ago just 8 months into our marriage. I dealt with it as constructively as possible and really tried to facilitate the healing. Months went by, things got better, and she did a lot to help rebuild our relationship. I could probably be a little guilty of “sweeping”
Taken from your first post. Don't even think about reconciliation. Your wife is entirely unfit for marriage or a committed relationship. Why do you think she is always after other men while married to you? She probably thinks she settled for you. Or she just does not care about you. Does her family know of her first affair ? This woman does not respect you or value you at any level.

You don't realize how lucky you are:
1) You don't have kids with this woman
2) You were lucky that the OM's brother was such a honest man and exposed them.

You can never trust this woman. She did not confess. She lied after getting caught. She planned to run away with her OM. She had the affair for almost 2 years. The only truth you got was from the OM's wife. And she did this twice in your marriage while burdening you financially. I even think she faked the panic attacks. There is nothing left in this marriage except for your respect and dignity. You will even lose that if you stay with any longer.
 
#197 ·
I am neither recommending D nor R. But no matter which you choose you need to read Married Man Sex Life NOW. The book is misnamed. It is not a sex guide but reveals the dynamic between men and women.

Everyone who reads finds their situation described to a tee.

This may not help in your sitch because your wife just may be mentally damaged. Thats a different thing altogether.

MMSL will help you in this or your next relationship.
 
#198 ·
Ssap,

There was one piece of advice from the christian counsellor that was good - put Christ first. And Jesus himself made it very clear that adultery is an acceptable reason for divorce. Your "wife" has done it twice to you.

You can tell her you hope she can heal her soullessness, but that you cannot stay with someone who does not value marriage. Who does not value you. Who does not value herself enough to keep a sacred promise.

I hope for her sake that she can change, but the hell you will face being with her will be enormous. Perhaps you are willing to face that. If so, we all wish you strength.

But right now, she is the anchor on the USS Missouri, headed straight to the bottom of the Mariana Trench. And she is tied around your neck. It is okay to save yourself and toss it off before she takes both of you all the way down.

I just hope for your sake you have enough air to get back to the surface.
 
#199 · (Edited)
thanks everyone. I do study each one of your comments even if I don't directly respond.

DocWho - no matter what happens, I have committed to God to put him first. while free-will led to this situation, I admit that had If I had put him at the head of the marriage then the path of the marriage may have been just different enough to avoid these temptations (I have had my own but never strayed)

Since my last status update she has "found her Salvation in God" and says that she wants to "Live for Him, put Him first and reconcile our marriage". she has turned the gas on this stove full turn and has been reading scripture, attending Wednesday and Sunday studies and services etc......

from my education from this forum I treat it with a measure of skepticism.

she finally finished confessing the other night (major case of TT) and admitted that her first time having sex with the OP was in fact on my 30th birthday. thanks for that memory... really.

I asked how she could have sought salvation, read the WW guide to understanding the BS (from this forum) etc. and not have come clean. she said she now (just now) realized that withholding info was not protective of our marriage, just of herself and indeed wrong.

also, the single sex event from the first affair several years ago grew by one to two times having sex. but she did genuinely come clean to this.

I still have my finger on the divorce button and wish I could press it with abandon but scripture teaches that even though God permits divorce, there are so many examples of Adultery being forgiven and renewed I can't ignore the alternative. whether I hate the idea of it at this point or not.

I won't go into it anymore for those not looking or appreciating a non-secular view but suffice it to say that I am in a struggle that has left me depressed, angry, destructive, hopeless and so much more.... this sucks.

feeling so alone in your misery and despair yet surround by people is a strange feeling
 
#201 ·
Look, mate, I feel for you, but can I ask you one question?

Put the teachings of God to one side for the moment. (Just for the moment...)

With that in mind, what do YOU want to do?

Could you see yourself divorcing from your wife?

If so... would you want to be divorced from her? To live the rest of your life without her being an important part of it?

And as for religious teachings? My wife has two doctorates. One being Theology. Yet she had an affair...:)
 
#200 ·
I already know how this is gonna turn out.

While there are many examples of adultery being forgiven there are also many examples of adultery being forgiven and then more adultery following. Exactly like what happened in your marriage.

The fact that your wife is suddenly drinking the kool aid is very suspicious and I doubt that its going to last more than a few months.

Theres no heavy lifting here. Shes just using faith as a shortcut, and its working.

If this is your decision go to it, but blind unconditional trust shouldn't be coupled with a any decision to R. v\Verify everything. Put some of that faith into GPS and a VAR in her truck if you haven't already sold it.

Also nonetheless, split your bank account because her family has already started playing the 50/50 game.
 
#202 ·
Yeah. Sounds like the Delorean Defense to me.

Jesus is not a magic salve you can rub on a festering wound. Nor is it a magic pill which ensures forgiveness FROM MAN. Jesus is about grace bequeathed in Heaven. It's the toll paid for admission to Heaven.

Man, being more earthy, didn't promise automatic forgiveness with the dunk in the baptismal font. WE are allowed to ask for sureties.

Just something to consider re faith. Faith without works is dead. Evangelicals don't like that phrase much but it really fits. So what if she's covered with the blood of the Redeemer if she's also fornicating without stop? What then is her faith worth?

Yes, it will take about 6 months to a year for the 'newness' of Christ to wear off. Out of the religious ferver to the standards of faith.

So you have a long road if you follow it.
 
#203 ·
I am a Christian believer whose husband had an affair and is a Christian as well. We were ale to reconcile, though I have difficulty at times with triggers and memories. Our situation was a bit different, but I want you to know that you seem to be clear thinking and realistic about your wife at this point. You are right about Scripture and have every right to divorce her. You are at a very difficult crossroads. Keep this in prayer and be patient. I just wanted you to know that I admire your attitude in the midst of a very difficult and lonely journey.
 
#208 ·
There are a lot of examples of forgiveness in Scripture that is true. But forgiveness does not remove the consequences of the sin. As Christians we are forgiven of our sins but we still have to face the consequence which is death. You can forgive her but you still need to impose consequences. That could be any of a number of things including divorce. Don't let anyone else decide what is right for you. You can forgive her AND divorce her. That is scriptural as well.
 
#211 ·
Good for her. She's smart. She found your weakness and is working hard on it. And you appear to let her.

After all this appear to blow over, then the real long term interesting life begins.


But really...

She has given you a free ticket to move on and start a new family with kids. You cant count on her faithfulness because she's a repeat offender and she cheated with your best friend. She's wired that way. It'll take decades, if ever, for her to overcome her imprinting and biology. (Could we blame her parents?) The bottom to her moral standards seem very low. She's even using this "miraculous" transformation to manipulate you.

I think she doesnt want to lose her meal ticket and is working hard to keep you. But what happens later when she back at another job?

You have this free ticket for a new family with several children. I think you should take God's command to be fruitful and multiply.
 
#212 ·
I am also a christian, also reconciled, also agree with the theology of what you are saying.

And if you reconcile it's going to hurt like hell, and then if she cheats again it is going to hurt worse.

If you try to reconcile, you must recognise the fragility of the relationship. And I would STRONGLY advise against having children, since it's not certain that you'd make it, and it's not fair to them if you split. By the time you can have reasonable certainty you've made it, your biological clocks will be past the point where kids are an option.

My prayers are with you in the decision you have to make.
 
#214 ·
but scripture teaches that even though God permits divorce, there are so many examples of Adultery being forgiven and renewed
Check what these scriptures say about serial adultery!! No, I am not being a smartass or anything. She had her chance after the first time to repair and heal you. Even one is hard. Doing it again and that too with your best friend takes some level of disrespect and disdain for you. Imagine what you would have to feel for your wife to do the same to her....

And she doesn't have any other option other than you right ? now that I think about it, I would guess the 40 min phone call to be her pleading the OM to leave his wife and get together with her. can you confirm it somehow ?(through his wife or even ask him directly for some truth )
 
#215 ·
Christ teaches forgiveness of sins. This is to purge your soul of the anger and thoughts of retribution - the desire to pay the pain back in kind. If you confess your sins to God and are truly repentant, you will be forgiven.

Forgiveness does not mean you have to stay married. You can forgive her for her sins against you and let her go her own way alone. Divorce in this case would be something you might need for your own peace of mind. It is not to punish her, it is to move forward and heal yourself.

The choice is your's and only your's.
 
#217 ·
Christ teaches forgiveness, but that forgiveness isn't bundled with immunity from consequences.

From what I've read of Mrs. Convenient panic attack, she using faith to get back in your good graces sans heavy lifting and IC/MC.

Problem is its only a stopgap and won't last forever.

I give it a year at most before her church outings drop off and shes out with friends again.
 
#218 · (Edited)
What you must determine is this:

Is she sincere iin her beliefs or does she know just what buttons to push to make you stay with her.

She comes to having found God again and you think that as a Christian you should take her back into the fold, the stray lamb returning.

Or is this a calculated move by a cold hearted cheater who had sex with OM on your birthday and is cynically using faith against you.

Don't let your faith blind you to the fact that there are those who will use Scripture for their own ends.
 
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#233 ·
What you must determine is this:

Is she sincere iin her beliefs or does she know just what buttons to push to make you stay with her.

She comes to having found God again and you think that as a Christian you should take her back into the fold, the stray lamb returning.

Or is this calculated move by a cold hearted cheater who had sex with OM on your birthday and is cynically using faith against you.

Don't let your faith blind you to the fact that there those who will use Scripture for their own ends.
This.

Coupled with the convienient panic attacks which turn on and off at the touch of a 911 button, I'd be VERY LEERY about trusting this woman.

She's lied and hid things twice.

How lucky she is! There are thousands of Christian men looking for a nice religious woman. She can try one of them on for size.

As for you...I hesitate to give advice because I see how your faith is pulling you. But you are getting jerked around theologically by these counselors and now your wife.
 
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