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Wife, Best Friend betrayal

129K views 302 replies 84 participants last post by  GusPolinski 
#1 ·
I am in the shock phase. I appreciate your perspectives.

Yesterday I found out that my wife of 6 years and best friend of 2 years had crossed the line of friendship into affection.

This is devastating on so many levels.

This story is complicated so I will try for succinct phrasing. I apologize in advance for not knowing the shorthand for all of this.

Paraphrased: My wife and (ex) best friend were both fired yesterday from a company that the (ex) best friend’s brother owns. We are all married respectively and were friends up to this point; vacationed together, hang out weekends etc.

In short, the brother found compromising IM's between my wife and (ex) best friend incriminating the two of them in concocting this flirtatious alternate reality where they would joke about ending up together, compliments etc. a slew of things that are clearly crossing the boundary.

My (ex) best friend’s wife works there as well and was best friends with my wife as well as a new mother of my (ex) best friend’s child.

The brother made my (ex) best friend come clean to his wife and my wife came clean with me later that evening when I got home from work. I spoke to the brother later to verify the events.

Their selfish actions have devastated my life, my poor (ex) best friend’s wife, destroyed friendships and at the least harmed the brother who lost his two best employees

Nothing short of a monumental F. up

Background: We are all in our early thirties, all married several years, normal lives, good jobs, no substance abuse or strange behavior or lifestyle choices.

Wife(we) have fertility issues so for the past several years we have been focusing on that and it has been very tough emotionally and fairly tough financially.

All around, and someone will call me on this later, we have had a very good healthy relationship. We had been friends in school and in our late teens we both came out of unhealthy relationships and found each other. We talked about how to build a strong foundation and agreed to open communication, financial strength, no cussing at each other etc. After a few years of dating and engagement, we married and started our lives together. We worked hard, had a healthy relationship, attended church with some frequency and for all intents and purposes seemed to be laying the groundwork for a solid relationship.

Here is where the damage multiplier comes in. This is not her first time doing this to me. She was involved with a coworker/boss several years ago just 8 months into our marriage. I dealt with it as constructively as possible and really tried to facilitate the healing. Months went by, things got better, and she did a lot to help rebuild our relationship. I could probably be a little guilty of “sweeping”

Now several years later it is hell’s Groundhog Day but this time my (ex) best friend is involved.

So now I feel like I’m left to decide our fate and what could she say to me that I could believe?

How can I feel or know she is truly sorry?

when should we seek marital counseling?

Does she have some latent psychological issues related to her childhood abuse that gives her this trouble with boundaries and affection for “authority” figures?

I have no answers. Trying to work through the emotions…. Again.

Thanks for your input.
 
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#224 ·
SSAP

The majority of posters here seem to follow the Eurasmian view regarding divorce and remarriage, but the majority of other early church fathers held a different view of divorce and remarriage. You obviously have good grounds for divorce, but remarriage is more problematic for non-protestant Christians (those with an Orthodox perspective or fundamentalist Southern Baptists). This theology is rather complex and my attention is not to hijack your post but to suggest some references that may offer some different perspective regarding your struggle.

I know that some of this is premature as your struggle now regards the decision to try to work through a very damaged marriage with someone who has yet to prove that she is willing to do the difficult work necessary for reconciliation; or if you’re present pain is to great to now begin a serious reconciliation attempt. However, these are difficult decisions that you will be facing and the associated theology is complex and takes time to work through.

Below is a summary of a link that provides a summary of an alternative interpretation.

Adulterous marriage

For a more detailed explanation of the Eurasmian view and other contrary interpretations a good book to read is “Jesus and Divorce, The problem with the Evangelical Consensus” by William Heath and Gordon Wenham.

Another good book about the biblical perspective of marriage and adultery is “God’s Unfaithful Wife, a biblical theology of Spiritual adultery” by Raymond Ortlund.
 
#225 ·
Ssap

Just take it one day at a time. You have all the time in the world to push the D or R button.

The choice is yours.

Get your emotions leveled off. That takes time. Use that time to get your self esteem back and focus your energy on improving you.

And just remember you can only ave one 30th birthday. Thank God for that.

Watch her actions, that is the key if she is remorseful or not.

HM64
 
#226 ·
She's not only a serial cheater, friend. She has crossed unimaginable boundaires with you (your best friend), with her friend (BW), with her employer (OM's brother)..., this, coupled with the fact she cheated on you in the heat of the honeymoon phase (not after the infertility issue/excuse)... do you have any idea how f0cked up is your wife in the head? It's very serious.
God won't solve her issues. She needs intensive counseling. She's not likely marriage material. Can be? She has to turn herslef inside out. For this she needs serious help.
Don't let her cloud you mind with her pushing the right bottoms. You already had it right in your first post here:
Does she have some latent psychological issues related to her childhood abuse that gives her this trouble with boundaries and affection for “authority” figures?
The answer is YES. Absolutly. I have no idea what the issues are but they are obvious. God might help her to be persistent in her work to change inside but won't "fix" her.

Friend, while I wouldn't stay with her in your circunstances I respect your decision. Asuming she's meeting your boundaires you risk very little beyond your heart (please, protect yourself financialy, a post nup comes to mind).
Still, please, demand her to get therapy, watch her closely, demand her to show you the maths. Forget about MC. There are not no marriage issues to solve. Really. Your marriage issues consit there's a weak link in the chain.
And please, forget about Christian counselors.
 
#228 ·
ssap

Please, please pray about this. A lot. And watch her. God has given you eyes to see and a mind to understand.

I am glad she has apparently sought forgiveness through Christ. Blessed be those who come to the Father through the name of the Son. But also cursed are those that do so with a false heart. Just remember, the odds are pretty high that her heart is not with Christ.

While you are torn between forgiveness and divorce, I offer that is a false choice. You can, and should, forgive her. But you can forgive her and divorce her too. She has a whole in her soul that you cannot fix. Only she and God can. But thinking you have to remain married to one just because they ask forgiveness is FALSE. the freedom to divorce has already been granted by Christ Jesus himself. Now, it is up to you to decide if you should.

And in making that decision, BE WISE. Do not let your heart make the call because your heart has been deceived. It is not capable of making the decision necessary. Instead, weigh carefully the future of yourself and children married to someone who seeks the sexual company of other men while married to you. Think what would happen to future children you might have if she committed adultery in the future. Their lives would be shattered.

Is that what you want to do???

Pray. Pray earnestly. I know God will answer you.
 
#232 · (Edited)
Thank you all so much.

Patrick1959 - that reading was heavy but my understanding is more along those lines than a more "liberal" church if that is the right word to use. that is why my heart is so heavy, I feel imprisoned.

Rosemary'sGranddaughter - its is non-denominational bible based. not fire and brimstone but not a "feel good" type of church if that means the right thing to you.

I make the above replies with no judgments implied to others denominations so please don't take offense.

thank you everyone for allowing this conversation to take on a non-secular tone. I feel that I am receiving a balance of opinion here that would be impossible anywhere else and is literally my sanity at times.

I appreciate all of your input. Most is thought out and delivered with care. Thank you.
 
#248 ·
Rosemary'sGranddaughter - its is non-denominational bible based. not fire and brimstone but not a "feel good" type of church if that means the right thing to you.
I think you should report this counselor to whomever is his supervisor. His statement is not only wrong, it is completely fabricated. I'd like to-facetiously- ask him what else he imagines that premarital sex implies, once within the marriage. Copulation with animals?
 
#234 ·
JCD - I appreciate your commitment to this thread and appreciate all of your input.

I am being pulled, kicking and screaming, and want to do the "right" thing but realize that i have to weigh some heavy options.

As sad as it is, I am actually starting to be ok with the thought of not being able to remarry etc. if my faith dictates just to be away from her poison. So sad a thought for someone who has given nothing but love and dedication to not only the 6 years of our marriage but the 6 years of dating before that. Ugh :(

I'm praying that time will bring clarity and surety and that i can be at peace with whatever happens.
 
#238 ·
As sad as it is, I am actually starting to be ok with the thought of not being able to remarry etc. if my faith dictates just to be away from her poison.
This is absurd. Where did you get an idea you would be unable to remarry? I have an idea, but provide the scripture they gave you and I'll give you many more to put your mind at ease. And contrary to what another poster claimed, this is not some big theological complexity. It's only complex if you don't like what the Bible plainly states. Christ His own self, in fact.
 
#235 ·
...there is really nothing forcing a quick decision on whether R or D is what you should be doing.......take a break for yourself and make sure you make a decision in your best interests. I am a very strong believer in God, and His love, and I do not ever imagine him asking us to sacrifice ourselves in a damaged marriage. Staying in a marriage with this type of issue can only be done if both spouses can really stay committed.....you need to evaluate if she can.
 
#236 ·
Do you have vacation time?

I would suggest that you take a week off if you can swing it. Just you. Go someplace YOU always wanted to go to which she wasn't particularly inclined. (put it on her credit card, naturally. Not being nasty, but you didn't start this rodeo)

Take some time away from the house, the memories, and twisting in the wind.

What was it Joseph Cambell said: "Your sacred space is where you can find youself again and again." Batman has his Batcave. You need to find yours.

It's time to go to your sacred space and see who looks back at you without someone's version of God or Wife looking over your shoulder.
 
#237 ·
One possibility:

You tell her you forgive her, love her, want to live with her.

(I get that is what you really would like)

Then also tell her you will file for divorce if she can't convince you of being true, remorseful and really changing her life.

Then if you do not get signs of change quickly file for divorce to give her a last chance.

If that doesn't work for her you leave.
 
#241 ·
Wheter os not you decide to R or divorce, you need counseling. And especially counseling with a counselor that has training with PTSD. Good luck and prayers.

If you divorce because of adultery, you can remarry, not sure about the adulterer though.
 
#242 ·
oneMOreguy & JCD – I have been thinking about a one man vacation so your words are spot on.

Machiavelli – I was working off of the understanding that even though I am able to divorce, that even as God divorced Israel he never gave writ and is still in separation so if I follow that there doesn’t seem to be any executed divorces in the Bible that I would rather live in separation, excluding me from remarrying, instead of reconciling at this point

I am treading into deeper water than I am comfortable with though so please forgive me if I misspoke. I am still studying and looking for understanding.

I am not trying to dramatize this scenario, I realize I am not Hosea or Joseph , but want to try to gain full understanding of the choice I make because it is forever and as my faith and understanding grows I don’t want to wake up one day in a panic and feel like I’ve betrayed myself/ my faith.

The Bishop- I have not decided to stay married to her.

thank you all for your continued input, I know at one point it will begin to feel like you are beating a dead horse (me) but I contemplate each of your points constantly.
 
#246 ·
Machiavelli – I was working off of the understanding that even though I am able to divorce, that even as God divorced Israel he never gave writ and is still in separation so if I follow that there doesn’t seem to be any executed divorces in the Bible that I would rather live in separation, excluding me from remarrying, instead of reconciling at this point
I sent you a PM giving you chapter and verse that God did in fact divorce his cheating "wife" Israel and reconciled with his other cheating "wife" Judah. I've heard that claim before, but it doesn't match with the scripture. Contortions must be performed. I also point out in the PM that the culture of the Hebrews and life under the Mosaic Law was much different that the pagan Greco-Roman world of the much later so-called Church Fathers. Christ specifically condones replacing an adulterous wife in Matt 19:9.
 
#243 ·
ssap

I won't pretend to be a Biblical scholar. I can't quote chapter and verse.

God the Father as depicted in the Old Testament was a real wrathful god. Fire and brimstone. Smiting. You get the picture.

Whereas his Son was more mellow, loving and forgiving.

I can't beleive the Son would want you to spend the rest of your life alone and childless because of the sins of your wife.

I beleive that you can forgive her and yet not stay married, and be at peace with God.

Take that as you will. Don't let her betrayal of your vows force you into a life of misery. Don't martyr youself because of her misdeeds.
 
#249 ·
God is Love, I can't see that He would be pleased with you living a lonely life because your former wife could not be true. My h cheated once, and we may reconcile, but if he ever did it again I would never, ever reconcile. I would accept that there is something wrong with him and I would NOT be his parole officer for the rest of my life.
 
#252 · (Edited)
Rosemary's granddaughter- He is more than just a counselor, I have decided to actually go to him again just to see if he really understood what he said. I have to hear this again and get him to fully explain this.


Wazza - I may be making too much of it. but I want to make sure I am not.

as to genuine repentance... I may never truly know but look to her actions, actions when she thinks no one is looking, and not her words.

as an example,
early on when she came back from me asking her to leave, I asked her what the most important action was at this point. either seeking info to reconcile, faith etc. or working on job stuff (since we now have a financial crisis to boot.)
She said, reconcile and faith, so again I asked if that was true then how many hours of the day should she commit to each if she had 3 hours for one task and 6 hours for the other.
She said 6 for reconcile/faith and 3 for work seeking.
This is when I told her that her computer history showed she had done just the opposite and what message did that send to me?

she spent the next 3 days on the reconcile/faith part but doing so after the fact makes it hard to know how genuine it is.
 
#253 ·
Wazza - I may be making too much of it. but I want to make sure I am not.

as to genuine repentance... I may never truly know but look to her actions, actions when she thinks no one is looking, and not her words.

as an example,
early on when she came back from me asking her to leave, I asked her what the most important action was at this point. either seeking info to reconcile, faith etc. or working on job stuff (since we now have a financial crisis to boot.)
She said, reconcile and faith, so again I asked if that was true then how many hours of the day should she commit to each if she had 3 hours for one task and 6 hours for the other.
She said 6 for reconcile/faith and 3 for work seeking.
This is when I told her that her computer history showed she had done just the opposite and what message did that send to me?

she spent the next 3 days on the reconcile/faith part but doing so after the fact makes it hard to know how genuine it is.
The thing is, you have to ask why God gave permission to divorce in the event of infidelity. My belief is that, having created us and knowing all our thoughts, God is incredibly practical and doesn't ask the impossible of us. For example, read Acts 15, esp v 19.

Your marriage will NEVER be the same again. NEVER. It may be better if you can rebuild....I think mine is...but in the back of my head there is always that little hurt, that little doubt. And sometimes it will come out. For example, we will start to make love, I will do something, think "Oh...he did that" and freeze. 22 years out...it still happens sometimes.

You need to count the cost before you recommit.

I make no judgement about what is in your wife's heart. I don't know, none of us do. First, her repentance before God has to be genuine, and there is reason to question that. Next, she has to stick with it and not fall away.

I guess the most I would do in your shoes is a stay of proceedings while you have counselling and see if you can find a basis to reconcile.

For me, once I gave my word I was going to reconcile, I think that would be a new vow and I would feel bound by it. So I wouldn't do it unless I was sure.
 
#258 ·
TDSC60 – your response leads me to believe that I probably didn’t provide the right kind of information. I was just giving an example of one day,early into this, where she spent her whole day on the computer and I was using the time she allocated to the two tasks as a proxy for what she viewed as more important.
It is not my only basis at all times and I haven’t looked since. Just this one day.
I wasn’t upset that she was online, just the focus that time seemed to have.
The sample for this experiment was just one day.
I guess the emotion I was trying to portray was that compared to my day, where I spent my whole day seeking affair and counseling information and scripture, sermons about marriage. I saw the focus of her efforts not in line with my own.
Hopefully I’ve cleared this up a bit as I agree with you points and think my descriptions may not be conveying my intent.


Dogman – No I am not okay with that idea. I was making a statement that, at this point, I would consider it over reconciliation. I fully understand the implications of remaining married but not reconciling. Again, I am not leaning this way, it was just a vent of my desperation for the situation.
 
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