I am in the shock phase. I appreciate your perspectives.
Yesterday I found out that my wife of 6 years and best friend of 2 years had crossed the line of friendship into affection.
This is devastating on so many levels.
This story is complicated so I will try for succinct phrasing. I apologize in advance for not knowing the shorthand for all of this.
Paraphrased: My wife and (ex) best friend were both fired yesterday from a company that the (ex) best friend’s brother owns. We are all married respectively and were friends up to this point; vacationed together, hang out weekends etc.
In short, the brother found compromising IM's between my wife and (ex) best friend incriminating the two of them in concocting this flirtatious alternate reality where they would joke about ending up together, compliments etc. a slew of things that are clearly crossing the boundary.
My (ex) best friend’s wife works there as well and was best friends with my wife as well as a new mother of my (ex) best friend’s child.
The brother made my (ex) best friend come clean to his wife and my wife came clean with me later that evening when I got home from work. I spoke to the brother later to verify the events.
Their selfish actions have devastated my life, my poor (ex) best friend’s wife, destroyed friendships and at the least harmed the brother who lost his two best employees
Nothing short of a monumental F. up
Background: We are all in our early thirties, all married several years, normal lives, good jobs, no substance abuse or strange behavior or lifestyle choices.
Wife(we) have fertility issues so for the past several years we have been focusing on that and it has been very tough emotionally and fairly tough financially.
All around, and someone will call me on this later, we have had a very good healthy relationship. We had been friends in school and in our late teens we both came out of unhealthy relationships and found each other. We talked about how to build a strong foundation and agreed to open communication, financial strength, no cussing at each other etc. After a few years of dating and engagement, we married and started our lives together. We worked hard, had a healthy relationship, attended church with some frequency and for all intents and purposes seemed to be laying the groundwork for a solid relationship.
Here is where the damage multiplier comes in. This is not her first time doing this to me. She was involved with a coworker/boss several years ago just 8 months into our marriage. I dealt with it as constructively as possible and really tried to facilitate the healing. Months went by, things got better, and she did a lot to help rebuild our relationship. I could probably be a little guilty of “sweeping”
Now several years later it is hell’s Groundhog Day but this time my (ex) best friend is involved.
So now I feel like I’m left to decide our fate and what could she say to me that I could believe?
How can I feel or know she is truly sorry?
when should we seek marital counseling?
Does she have some latent psychological issues related to her childhood abuse that gives her this trouble with boundaries and affection for “authority” figures?
I have no answers. Trying to work through the emotions…. Again.
MAtthew 19:9 "And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery," (Matt. 19:9). The word in Greek for immorality is porneia from which we get the word pornography. Sexual immorality, i.e., adultery, is a grounds for divorce according to Jesus.
Guess what brother she was sexually immoral. That would be every time she has sex with another man. So yes four counts of sexual immorality would pretty much say that you are off the hook if you remarry.
BTW I really dislike people that try to use the bible as a tool of manipulation. I am speaking about your wife. not you my friend.
MAtthew 19:9 "And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery," (Matt. 19:9). The word in Greek for immorality is porneia from which we get the word pornography. Sexual immorality, i.e., adultery, is a grounds for divorce according to Jesus.
Guess what brother she was sexually immoral. That would be every time she has sex with another man. So yes four counts of sexual immorality would pretty much say that you are off the hook if you remarry.
Well. Not exactly but anyways not far from the truth.
Immorality in Greek eqyals to another greek in origin word y also use which is unethical. Un + ethical means without ethos (equals without morrals).
Porneia actually means prostitution thus the illegal behavior of a woman or a man who provides paid sex. The certain behavior is unethical/immoral in the religion segment but not always in the legislation field where porneia/prostitution is controlled by the law.
And yes i agree by every definition adultery is a sexual immorality it is an unethical behavior. But it isn't porneia.
And finally pornography comes not exactly from porneia, but fron the greek word pornographia which comes from porni (female hooker)+graphein (writting down)+ia and actually means the written descritpion or illustration of a porni (female hooker) on the job.
As Greece is sinking real fast in the abyss (another greek word) right now, it is quite promissing to see a lot of people all over the world using and studying greek wording.
Could we have a REALLY LONG AND TEDIOUS DISCUSSION on the differences in the conjugation of Greek Verbs in the 1st and 12th century Anno Domini? Please?
It's ever so much more useful then the fact that ssap is being a frigging martyr/idiot with regard to his marriage and on the cusp of screwing up his life and mental health due to poor interpretations of his FAITH.
Ssap. Get over yourself. You are being an idiot and need more counseling...from someone who who doesn't necessarily see EVERYTHING through a Christ Lens. Your faith will help you, just not with the advice from the twits you seem to be consulting.
Wow, I question this womans Christianity and commitment to any God at this point.
Sass, religiously, you do right by taking her back. But you do no wrong divorcing. This is a time a Christian man should look himself in the mirror and say. What would I tell another Godly man to do? Apply this advice to yourself. There is no easy choice my friend.
I want to start by saying thank you to everyone that helped me on this journey. through each of you, TAM gave me a constructive framework in which to evaluate a very chaotic time in my life and for that i am ever grateful.
It has been roughly a year and a half since this began and just yesterday i was promted by a member of TAM to give an update which i am glad to do. ironically, it was on the same day i met my estranged spouse to have a discussion on the type of divorce she would agree to court/no court etc.
In short, it has been a long road. I stayed at the house until August 2013 to see if we could reconcile and to give God time to work in our lives. After 8 months, i felt that i had come to the end of that journey (after some dark times internally) and decided to move out and tell her that i intended to file for divorce. i have been out of the house since Aug 2013 and we talk every now and then as well as share "custody" of our dog. She very much wants to be reconciled and has turned her life around and has found her salvation for which i am happy for her. she has shown to me her genuine intent to restore the marriage to its fullest but in all my faults i lack the capacity to do so. she knows that i have the personality that i will fight for something i want to the end but when i am done, i am done. both of our lives have been tough since those times and i have a lot of sympathy and respect for her. i wish her well and do still admire all the things that drew me to her more than 10 years ago. those feelings and memories won't be lost.
I am in the process of rebuilding both mentally and financially. taking the advice of TAM. I focused my energy on constructive things like working out and the hobbies and people i enjoy. i moved about a half hour away and closer to work and have surrounded myself around new people. I have lots of little stories of things that happened along the way that are just small details probably not writing on but some have helped in big ways. At this stage, i am heathly, doing very well in my career, have friends around me, and am looking toward the future.
thank you all again. i'm sorry i took so long to provide an update.
I can't say that I'm surprised ssap. When you last posted here, I got the feeling that you wouldn't be able to live with "it" for long. I commend you for trying though.
You're stbxw(and you) seemed to have a lot going for her and yet she chose to be unfaithful to you. We see a lot of BS's here that have a laundry list of external factors that were likely contributing factors to the bad choices taht their WS's made in cheating on them. Things I didn't see in your situation...
Could she ever really explain to you why she would risk throwing it all away for a half a dozen sex sessions in the back of your new truck?
I'm sorry for being so blunt with such a painful subject. Please forgive me this, but I truly would like to know if she said why.
God bless you, ssap. You'll always know you gave it your best shot, but sometimes things don't work out the way you want them to. Peace, brother. I hope that you find happiness, perhaps with someone else who can love you for who you are and always remain faithful to you.
SSAP, I just read your whole story, you did the right thing, I know you wanto to believe you STBXW has changed but the truth is that she probably is just represing herself to get you back, serial cheaters don't cure themeselves by reading the bibble. The very very few cases that I have heard that have redemmed themselves is after years of therapy and even support groups, their constant need of validation make their bahaviour similar to that of an addict.
You were ready to give up so many things for her, your savings, the gift of fatherhood, you even give her a second chance and you were given in return betrayal and pain, don't feel bad about your decission to leave, you deserve to be happy with someone as commited as you, who put the same value in the bond of fidelity.
are you dating already?, 7 months of separation is good break, you need to put yourself out there to replace the bad memmories with good ones, the faster you get someone special the faster you will be able to finally leave this part of your life behind.
I did not like that you characterized the failure of your marriage as an issue of YOUR faults.
No doubt you have your faults, but the fact you are not physically or psychically able to row back to shore from a rowboat in the middle of the Infidelity Ocean WHERE SHE PUT YOU isn't 'your fault'.
And you seemed to spend 8 months trying. That is far more than many people attempt.
snerg - I am happy and feel like i made the right choice. i still have my days where i lament over the loss of a marriage i put so much into but its not a feeling of wanting to be with her... just the loss of the marriage and life i worked so hard for.
GROUNDPOUNDER - i could never get a solid explanation from her... do any of us ever get a satisfactory answer? There was no answer for the general behaviour of infidelity, just causal answers for each occurence.
manticore- i'm touched you read the whole story, thank you for your time and opinion. i am not dating at this stage.... i'm also not looking for casual relationships either, i'm so programmed to be with one person i don't find the thought of it appealing, at least my logical brain ha ha
JCD - i am prone to a small amount of self-deprecation in an attempt of humility. I do accept some fault. maybe if i had led the marriage in a stricter biblical sense it could have helped or taken other steps... not sure but i don't blame myself for what happened. I know she made her choices due to a fault within her not me.
thanks again everyone... it really feels good being back here and having some type of closure to talk about
i am happy she gets to have a child... that was a big deal to her and thought it would never happen... didn't see it going this route but i don't have any emotion tied up into it... i divorced her for a reason but i wish her well.
that's hard to wrap my head around. but i know its been done.
no. it seems the dude is in the picture... i'm sure it was a big surprise to both of them since she thought she couldn't get pregnant... i bet that was an interesting conversation... lol
This happens a lot. A couple tries to conceive, goes through fertility treatments, etc. Then give up. And when they aren't even trying, they get pregnant with no help. It's a strange phenomenon, but one I've seen several times just with people I'm friends with.
i think that means don't think about her... i do every now and then. very happy with a wonderful girlfriend etc. so it doesn't claim much of my time these days.
I do look back and it still seems like some kind of crazy reverse lifetime movie or something..
EDIT: Doh! Total noob move on my part! I didn't realize this thread was from 2 years ago!
Your story is very similar to mine. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I'm two months in and filed for divorce yesterday because it was clear after a month of couples therapy that my wife has no intention of saving/salvaging our marriage. She is living in a fantasy land where she has started to rewrite large portions of our history and telling outright lies.
You will be reeling for a while. I can only tell you that it does eventually get better; it all depends on how you and your wife proceed. Trust can be rebuilt if you both want to. Unfortunately, in my case, my wife has no interest in rebuilding trust and so I have finally had enough and filed for divorce. She's done too much damage, and continued to do damage for there to be anything left to save, unfortunately.
You may not believe this, but if you've gotten to the point where you're ready to divest yourself of your WW's bullsh*t and have filed for divorce after only a couple of months (since D-Day), then you're actually doing pretty well.
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