dcrim

Hang in there, Heartysoul. It will be a roller coaster for a while.

I was doing ok for the past few days but, all of a sudden, today I'm feeling anxiety again. Maybe it's from talking to xgf's best friend about it.

I'm not a (professional) writer, but I do write. I had no one to talk to except these fine people. It was extremely helpful to write things down and then post them on here. It helped me get the poison out of me.

I will never know why. I know I will heal and so will you. One day at a time...sometimes it was one hour at a time for me!

We're all here to help each other.

__________________
It ain't illegal until you're caught!

heartysoul

Hi friends!

It's been a few days since I've checked in. This is actually a great sign that things have been getting better. I've been working out tons and trying to find new outlets for myself rather than obsessing over the affair. Granted, I'm still extremely hurt but thought I'd share it's been a couple days without tears and without extreme hate. I know something at any second could trigger the hurtful feelings but for right now in this moment I'm smiling and getting stronger. Just thought I'd try to share the happy moments as well as the angry ones. You guys have all been a great help!

Sandy55

HS:

I am very impressed with how well you are managing your anger and your attitude is great. Focusing elsewhere such as on yourself and doing things for yourself is very good.

I have been married 24 years. What I've found is that marriage is a series of ups and downs, some downs are so hard, like infidelity and breaking of trust. But, like someone once said "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger..." and it sounds as if you and others on here certainly are becoming stronger and "bigger" people in mind and spirit.

I have always found by not lowering myself to the level of the weaknesses (or shallowness of lust) of others, such as a straying spouse is the "higher" road to take. Leading by example brings honor to oneself, being true to yourself and having the dignity to help another less strong person (such as a confused or wayward spouse) discover what it was that caused them to disappoint their spouse is uplifting and in the end, pure of heart.

Perhaps there are silver linings to dark clouds....?

My prayers are with you and your family. Good luck, hang in there, it will get better.

AZMOMOFTWO

I share a lot of these same feelings. We did go to counseling. I had asked him when I saw him pulling away from me and he said he was not sure he wanted to stay married. I said we've been together for 23 years cant we try? At that time he said marriage should just be, if its meant to be and he admitted to not wanting to work on it. But then he was having an affair at the time, this was before I knew it though.

When I kicked him out he made the appointment and asked me to go. Best thing we could have done. Although earlier on if he reluctantly agreed, not sure it would have done any good. He might have resented me for making him go. Before finding out about the affair and confused about why he might not love me anymore after we had such a great relationship, I did get the CDs from Mort Fertel Marriage Counseling - Free Marriage Help – Save Marriage - Stop Divorce - Marriage Problem Solving and they are excellent. After listening to them, I asked him if he would. He actually did...without me pestering him. It was the first sign of hope. I tried to implement everything he said. To be honest I need to pull those out again, and re-listen. Maybe we should do it together.

This is a roller coaster. In fact I hit a "down" slope today. I find that when I'm under pressure from kids, work, life, pressure makes me not cope with this affair well. Work has been really busy and today I exploded at him but its all so wrapped up, because he said "its ok. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. I'm here for you." Mind you, this is a new thing since the affair these bad episodes in which I yell at him, the kids.

I guess my response today was what the true issue is. I said "How do I know that? For 23 years I was SURE you were there. Then one day, you blindsided me. I took care of you, our kids and put everyone before me and was always glad to do it and thought I was balancing it well. Then you tell me I wasn't that I wasn't there for you, I worked too much, I didn't make dinner, I didn't stay in shape. WHEN do I have time when I was working 12-16 hours a day??? You weren't there for me then when I counted on you so how do I KNOW you will be there always?"

I don't know the answer, neither did he. He reacted well and said all I can do is promise you, and show you.

But like you I wonder if its too late. I didn't deserve what he did to me, and clearly I'm not coping well with it. There are times when I think, its broken and I don't want him to fix it. I want a chance to have someone who will not ever do this to me. You can't take back what is done. All I can do though is take one day at a time. I have healed a lot and time does make it easier so I hang on... because I do love him.

Sandy55

AZ...you are doing fine. Give yourself a hug. I think your dh is really trying. You two are building a new marriage, it will be a stronger marriage and you two will be closer - people get closer when they go through fire together and survive.

Like you said, you have issues when you get tired and stressed. When you feel the stress building, perhaps you could build yourself a "response" such as running off to take a "cool" shower. Let dh KNOW that is why you are running off...because it is starting to build.

He must feel like a complete ass.

Hugs to you, pat on the back. Hang in there.

heartysoul

Sandy, it was really nice to read your encouraging words today. Actually, it was just what the doctor ordered. Our three year old started asking where her friend, the ex-nanny, was. I really felt my anger build and really wanted to tell her that her "friend" was evil and never ever coming back and that she tried to ruin our family, etc., etc. However, I also know what happened is not our daughter's fault and she was extremely fond of her nanny. The last thing I want to do is create a hostile environment for her and make her hurt for something that her father and I have done. So I bit my tongue and smiled and said that we have friends that come and go and thankfully we have new friends that she'll grow to adore and love. Of course, inside I'm so hurt that this happened and had a angry moment but was able to jump over that hurdle I think in a positive way.

We are working on our marriage and communication daily and I guess this is what being married is all about. "The good and the bad." If we weren't married, I would've bolted. However, I do believe in our vows and will do what I can to work through the "bad" while keeping my head up and maintaining some integrity.

Oooooh. I feel like screaming though! I really REALLY do!

AZMOMOFTWO

Thank you! Didn't mean to hijack this thread but your words of encouragement really helped me.

AZMOMOFTWO

I can relate to this. My children are 10 and 4. My 10 year old picked up on some things before even I did....I don't think she knew what the signals were but she started writing me letters telling me she wanted this OW away from our family. They used to be so close but then the OW started treating her badly. I put my foot down, told DH its one thing if he's disrepecting me but I will not allow her to disrespect my kids. I even showed those letters to my DH who didn't do anything. Just before I discovered the affair, I told him that I had the legal right to keep whomever I wanted from my kids, if he was going to exercise poor judgement I would get intervention in the form of a court order and I would go speak to her family to see if they would give me some help. That stopped him, and she stayed away.

My 4 year old, God bless his little soul. Had no idea what was going on, but only knew mommy didn't want her over so he's my little protector. He marched right up to her and told her to leave his family alone. So sad though that the kids get hurt like this. It makes me angry at him, not for my sake but theirs..he was so stupid. He knows it now but can't role back time.

Sandy55

I greatly admire parents who can SEE the situation from the eyes of a child. A three year old only sees that she/he misses the person who was there for her....regardless of the fact the nanny was a snake when it came to boundaries of someone else's marriage. Your ability to smile and just explain so well was just wonderful, that was perfect of you. Good mom!

My dh and I were in divorce court for THREE very long years. It was THE custody battle from hell and he got our two kids 4 & 6 simply because he had more money to keep going ON and ON and ON. These kids had to go through THREE custody evaluations - do you know what custody evaluations can be like? It was just so uncalled for....he got custody but TWO of the THREE evals were in my favor and both evals stated my dh needed parenting "lessons" AND to cut his hours so that he would be in town MORE than 12 days a month to care for them. He even moved his parents into our home.

It put our children through HELL (his mother and father trashed me big time) and I FINALLY just tossed in the towel and went back to him TOTALLY because of the PAIN the children were being put through children. I could have borrowed more money, whatever but I just could not take any more.

The day I tossed in the towel my ds was entering first grade and my dh could not keep in from running away from school, my ds ran down the streets screaming for ME and my dh would not allow me to come help. My dh also kept my kids from me on Mother's Day - twice. He had control as he was "primary" custodian and had $$$.

SO I just caved. I could not stand the pain of my kids! I went back...and he told me several years later: "I knew I could get you back if I got the kids..."

He USED our kids. He didn't want THEM, he just wanted me back. I just wanted my kids to grow up normal.

And they are. And I kNEW they would migrate to the parent the preferred and knew always look out for their best interest...

me. They are with me and call me and consult me 100 times more than their Dad.

You can't fool kids

heartysoul

Aaagh! Hi Support Team!

I am having such a hard weekend. Nothing has triggered my sad and angry feelings except for the hurt inside. I thought I was doing great but I feel like I was hit by a dump truck yesterday. My husband has been great, the kids are silly and fun, but I just feel like crying. I'm overwhelmed with feelings of insecurity and wondering if I can really get over what my husband did.

How do I ever trust him again? I feel like I have to get to know him all over again but don't know if I want to. I'm worried about the next time we have communication problems or what if something worse were to happen, like an illness, how do I know if he'd even stay to get through it or seek out another emotional relationship.

I don't want to find myself five years from now wondering the same things and feeling sad. The worst part is I don't even know how to really talk to him about how I'm feeling because I can't fully figure it out myself.

I just keep looking at him and wondering if there's any truth in him at all. Before the affair he never lied to me, or so I thought. How do I really know?

Thanks for listening to me babble. I'm glad I can come here to try to straighten out my thoughts. I'm just so so sad.

AZMOMOFTWO

Wow! You just summed up how I'm feeling exactly. Its been almost a year now but I don't trust him. I don't think he's still having an affair but I don't trust that he won't walk out cause the going is tough. Kind of like "I did my best..." he's an avoider. I'm waiting for the repeat behavior. All I can say is keep trying and expect the bad days, and there will be good days. Its all part of the healing process and we're all here to support you!

heartysoul

Aagh. How do you guys hang in there? I'm so mad I can't stand it. Right now, I don't feel like making it work anymore. My husband hasn't done anything to ignite this surge in emotion except for the cheating. I just feel so foolish and can't seem to forget about it. I feel like I've fallen out of love with him and want to have my own adventures. I don't feel like it's fair that he got to have fun and then doesn't seem to have to face the consequences. I mean, he's talked to his sister about troubles in our communication but doesn't tell her the whole story. I'm not close with her but now feel like she knows only one side of the story! Aagh, I feel like it's my fault and I know it's not. I want to break windows, burn the couch, etc. which is just foolish. I guess I'm just desperate to create some type of statement so he knows how mad I am!

Anyone go through this 6 weeks after?

Deejo

Send him away for two weeks - or more. You need some physical distance and mental perspective.

Your anger is justified but it is apparent that you are having difficulty processing it - and his attempts to move on and make amends (if that is what he's doing) feel to you like he is being dismissive of the damage he caused.

Seriously, tell him if he truly wants to salvage the marriage he needs to respect your request for some time apart that allows you to address your anger, and how you want to proceed.

Are you in counseling or talking about how you're feeling with your husband?

Maybe it's me, but I get the sense that there is a lot of avoidance on both sides. I may be overlooking some of your other posts, but I have not seen you discuss what if any issues you two were having. You indicated initially that your husband felt like the two of you weren't communicating - and you implied that you travel for work. So, in hindsight was there anything happening, or not happening, that in your view could have set the stage for the emotional affair?

dcrim

Yes, girl...you both need to talk, communicate.

Not doing so will ruin any relationship.

He needs to talk to YOU, not his sister.

But you both need a safe way to do that! Try the following "rules"
1) do NOT interrupt each other!
2) do NOT yell/scream.
3) it's ok to touch each other during this talk
4) Respond to the other's response, calmly!

__________________
It ain't illegal until you're caught!

heartysoul

dcrim,
We actually do talk quite a bit, well, as much as we can with a three year old and one year old. We've actually been creating quite a bit of one on one time and things have been going great. I just get frustrated and seem to snap for no reason. My husband has been totally open to listening to my feelings and understands why all of a sudden something will trigger my sadness.

We actually do a really great at listening and not interrupting each other. Neither one of us yell or scream, and that's always been the case even before the kids.

I guess I just feel bad bringing up my anger every time I feel it. It's especially hard if I get the feelings while he's at work. I have always been a caring person who puts people's emotions in front of my own and don't want to bother him when he's working. By the time he gets home and we can talk I've gotten myself out of the rut so I think I do avoid the conversation from time to time.

It's all just one big confusing MESS!! And I absolutely am scared that I wish the roles were reversed. I wish I had been the cheater instead of the cheated. Is that wrong? This pain just hurts so bad and it's something I never EVER have experienced or even prepared myself for. Aaagh.

Good news is my baby is a year now which means I'm getting myself back to my pre-baby weight and mindset. I'm starting to feel like myself again and that feels great. I am a well-educated business savvy woman who had no idea what having kids does to the body and mind. It's nice to finally get everything back in check again!!!!

Have a great day guys!
Smiles to you!