heartysoul

Deejo,
I will take you up on your advice to take off for a couple weeks. A vacation would be a great thing and I would love for him to have time to think about how things would be without me around. I think that's one of the hardest things about all of this...my EGO. I know I am an amazing woman and great wife and am still shocked about this situation. I feel like my husband totally took everything for granted and I guess I'm not sure if he knows that yet. We are successful, have two amazing children and a great home. I do work hard but honestly it's so he can retire in a few years and be home to coach the kids baseball teams, etc., which is what he dreams about.

We have talked about the issues before he reached out to someone else. Obviously, being pregnant for three years was hard and we've talked through a lot of what that did to us and how hard it is to adapt to having kids. I have tried to slow down talking too much about work and focusing more on fun things. Our conversations are getting better and we do spend a lot more time playing games and sports like we did when we were first dating. We're trying to avoid the day to day rut and keep things fun! There are a lot more smiles in the house and I am starting to feel like I can be my silly self again. And he is understanding that being a parent is simply HARD and we have to work at it!

Now I feel like I'm just babbling so I'll log off for now!

heartysoul

Hi All!

It's been awhile since I've checked in. I'm having a horrible weekend. Things with the family are fine but I find myself questioning if I even love my husband anymore. After his affair, I realize he's not the man I married. I don't have nearly the respect I once had for him. My passion for him has died. I am so sad because we have two amazing children and actually enjoy the same things. I just feel the desire inside of me dying. I also feel myself still obsessing over the affair, no matter what I do to try to avoid dwelling on it. A song comes on the radio and I get upset. A story comes up that would've involved her and I get irate. I think about why things like this happened and I just cry. I thought the "blues" would go away but they seem to be coming back bigger and worse.

GPR

It's perfectly normal. You are not that far away from this happening. And it will still happen years down the road. And yes, you will start to feel like you don't love your husband. It's the resentment building up. I could see it in your post when you made the comment about "He had this adventure and I didn't".

You keep mentioning how things are going really good, but you just keep getting down on yourself. Do you think maybe part of the problem is that you get upset that things ARE going good? It seems like part of the problem is that your Husband did this absolutely horrible thing, and hurt you so bad, and it almost bothers you that things ARE good. You think that he should suffer more, that he should be punished for what he did. That after what he did, that things should not be good... and maybe you are getting mad at yourself because you are enjoying time with him and the family, and you shouldn't after what has happened.

It's a weird thing. It hurts so bad, and all you want is for it to not hurt, but then if it doesn't hurt, it almost feels wrong. Like, "I shouldn't be enjoying this..." or "I should be mad at him" or "We shouldn't be having fun together"...

I mean, if you really doubt your love for your husband, you need to take a step back and re-evaluate. Maybe some of that time apart and things. But honestly, you will have those feelings for a little while. It can't be "all better" by now. And it might not feel like it, but the two of you actually sound like you are doing everything you should be doing, and are making out as well as can be expected so far.

heartysoul

GPR -

Thank you for the wonderful insight and help in seeing the situation with fresh eyes. I do think I resent that things are "good" and he's not suffering enough. When I'm around him, I feel like he's forgotten all about it and isn't sorry anymore. I'm sure he's just trying to get over it all too and obviously doesn't want to say "I'm sorry" all the time as that would be depressing too. I just don't know if he realizes how bad I'm still hurting. By writing this I realize as we improve our communication I just need to go talk with him about it. I love that I have all of you to lean on but also know he's really the one I should be leaning on. Thank you again for helping to keep me on track!

GPR

What you are describing that he is doing is very typical of the guilty party. I GUARANTEE he hasn't forgot about it and he is sorry about it and does feel guilty, and maybe even scared. But a typical reaction is, if things seem like they are going good, don't do anything to mess it up. Don't bring it up, don't mention it, don't do anything that will remind you of it. You are happy now, and let it ride as long as he can. I do the same thing with my wife. If she seems happy, I'm happy, don't mess with it if you don't have to.

You guys will need to talk about it every once in a while. It will take a lot of time and some work. You will still have ups and downs.

You will need to forgive and start to move on. Maybe not now, but eventually. But also remember, 'moving on' doesn't mean that you will stop hurting completely. Or you won't have moments where it pops back into your head. But that you will have to start to judge your husband by his whole, not this one screw-up. You will have to accept the fact that although what he did hurt you like nothing else, that you can't hold that against him anymore and you can't let it control you. And one of the hardest things to do, you will also have to look in the mirror and realize that despite the fact that what he did was the ultimate pain that could be brought on you, there are/were things that you can do better as well. Many people can't get to this stage, but if you really want to make it work, you will have to get there eventually.

And those that can, oddly enough, will many times end up with a BETTER relationship than they had before, because this one instance will bring so many other issues to the surface that had previously never been addressed. It will force you to communicate in ways that you never had before. You will both look in the mirror and say "What can I do better". And you might come out the other end in a better relationship. It doesn't always happen that way, but it can.

And if it does help, again from what you have posted, you guys have done more things the right way after the incident than most stories you will read on here. I think you guys will have a good shot. It won't be easy, in fact, it will be hard and at times, will hurt like hell, but it sounds like you've got a great chance.

heartysoul

GPR,
Thanks for the words of encouragement. It's nice to have someone say they think I'm on the right track! I'll have to read a bit more about your story and reasons for being on this site. You definitely sound like you have a great head on your shoulder. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.

Now I'm off to find "treasures" with the little ones....and hopefully a water fight!

GPR

Every heard the phrase: "Those that can't do, teach..." LOL

I'll be the first to admit I've had a lot of various issues in my marriage. I have never cheated, but I've done my share of wrong. My wife and I both have some issues that can strain a relationship, so I come here to get some advice on them. And while I'm hear, I try to return the favor.

Sandy55

What a guy....hugs.

Mommybean

One thing I can add, is something my H said to me, just a week or two ago. He told me that just because he does not bring up his affair, or constantly tell me he is sorry, does not mean he has no remorse. He says that he thinks about it a lot, and is so very thankful that I was strong enough to stick around, that he KNOWS how deeply he hurt me, how badly he screwed up. But, that he is focusing on our future and learning to be the man that our family deserves, and that he can't change what he did, he can only learn from it, change his behavior patterns, and grow into the man I deserve.
I myself had wondered what went on in his head surrounding the subject up until he said this to me. Once he explained it to me that way, I have not thought about it since, because I too, am trying to focus on our future together and not relive the past.

It's a hard road, but it sounds like you have a good handle on things. Good luck!!

heartysoul

Mommybean -
I love what your husband said to you and do think I've been waiting for that type of conversation to happen in our family. Did you bring it up to him or did he "out of the blue" tell you what he was thinking. Obviously, with two kids running around we never seem to have the time to really talk about it in depth plus when we do have our "private time" we've been pretty good about talking about everything else. However, it does still bother me on a daily basis. Aaagh!

heartysoul

Hi Guys! I need your help again!
Am I just stupid and foolish? I had to use my husband's computer this morning and while I was there I logged on to check my facebook account. Well, as I did that the address bar showed the computer's history and I saw that he had visited the old nanny's facebook page recently. Aaaagh! It made me feel horrible. All contact was supposed to end and he swears they have not talked since I fired her. However, it appears to me that he at least searched for her on line. I brought it up to him immediately and he says he did not search for her but her name comes up on his account. This just really bothers me and makes me feel like getting sick! I'm sure he's curious about her and how she's been doing but to me he'd think about his family before logging on to find her! I also fear that one day he's going to tell me he does want to get in touch with her and see how she's doing. If that happens I know I have to pack up and leave. Is it foolish to wait until that happens. I so feel like starting over sometimes and just making the jump. But then I also made a commitment and do love him and want to work it out! Aaaaaaaghhhhhhhhhhh! I don't want to give up while at the same time I do!