Husband cheated with nanny and I can't get over it!
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 05-20-2009, 08:44 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Husband cheated with nanny and I can't get over it!

I have been married for five years and have two amazing children, ages 3 and 1. My husband recently had a fling with our young nanny. For weeks my gut told me something was going on between the two of them. She would stay late when I was out of town working. She always called him with any and all questions about the kids. There was definitely tension between the two of them when I was in the room.
My husband is my best friend and a stand-up guy. He feels awful about the situation he put our family in. I found out by reading some text messages on his phone that were borderline sexual in flirtation. The two of them swear they never did anything physically but the texting that went on between them was extremely uncomfortable to read. I wound up breaking into his computer to get to the truth so I too have broken our bonds of trust, but not nearly as bad as he did in my opinion. We were having communication issues and he says he has been lonely for the last three years. Well, hello!! I was pregnant with his two kids and had extreme difficulties with both. I was bed ridden, had a miscarriage in between and gained more weight than anyone should. (Which I have lost thankfully.)
I am an entrepreneur and a workaholic which he admired when we first got married. I have always wanted more intimacy then he has and now think maybe this is why. I'm so confused and have never had anyone break my heart this way. If we didn't have the kids I would've left but now I have our two little ones to worry about and they adore their father.
I guess I'm just confused and don't know how to get my confidence back and know that he really wants to save the marriage. I also have horrible thoughts of getting even as I've had plenty of offers but have always remembered my vows. I just can't figure out why he was so selfish and wonder if I even know who he is anymore!
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Old 05-20-2009, 09:14 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated with nanny and I can't get over it!

Try to maintain the perspective that an affair - in whatever form it takes, is a symptom of a problem in your relationship. Seldom is it the problem itself. Nobody wakes up one day and decides to have an affair.
If he is engaged in mending the marriage - then I recommend that you do the same. Be open to identifying and addressing the underlying problems ... and recognize that having children very often is the problem. They are the catalyst.
It's a bizarre sequence of events. You meet, fall in love, and decide to have children and grow closer. As a result of having children, you grow apart, fall out of love and split up.
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Old 05-21-2009, 02:04 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated with nanny and I can't get over it!

I was pregnant with his two kids and had extreme difficulties with both.

I was kind of taken back by this statement. You didnt choose the word our two kids.

I am sorry what has happened as I can only imagine how you feel. I would recomend reading a book called his needs her needs how to affair proof your marriage. It really helped me and my marriage.

Get the move Fireproof also and watch it together.

You can heal from this experience but it will take time and hard work on both sides.
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Old 05-21-2009, 07:55 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated with nanny and I can't get over it!

Deejo. Thank you for your thoughtful words.

Happyquest. Wow, I'm taken back too about using "his two kids" rather than "our two kids." I think in my rage I started acting as though I sacrificed everything to have kids which is not the case at all. Thank you for bringing it to my attention. I will look at the book and movie. The healing process is so confusing. I think I'm still in shock. I hope to hear about successful stories to help inspire me that we can get over this hurdle.
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Old 05-22-2009, 08:57 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated with nanny and I can't get over it!

this post may give you some hope.

It is a piece of my story. The road back from infidelity

Keep the faith that God will lead you to where you need to be.
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Old 05-27-2009, 06:27 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated with nanny and I can't get over it!

It's been a tough week of ups and downs. Right now I'm still feeling so overwhelmed with hatred. His cheating has brought out any and all insecurities and fears. I've never had to deal with being insecure. Suddenly I feel unattractive, stupid and mostly NA¤VE. How could I have ignored the warning signs. And how could I have had this girl in my home taking care of our children. I feel like I have the worst judge in character now. (We're trying to find a new nanny but I can't or don't want to trust anyone.)

I tried to sit down and make a positive list about things he's done for me but all I can write down are the negatives. The things I feel like my husband ignored by being preoccupied by his affair. I'm now the one left trying to clean up the mess and getting our house back in check and am more and more angry about the time I lost with our kids because I was doing things he was too distratcted to do.

I find that I have no problem loathing with a passion that he cheated on me! I feel like I am almost obsessed with the hatred now and also knno it's not right! Is this normal? Is this what everyone goes through? Aaagh!

I need to figure out how to do self preservation. I realize clinging to this rage and choking feelings is only hurting me. I need to figure out how to separate my feelings for him and what he did to us and our family.

Please someone, let me know that these feelings are all normal.

Last edited by heartysoul; 05-28-2009 at 04:34 PM.
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Old 05-27-2009, 06:50 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated with nanny and I can't get over it!

These feelings/emotions are normal. I am 3.5 months out and still occassionally relapse into obsessing about the details, betrayal, etc...resulting in me becoming angry and upset (usually requiring a trip to the gym or a long bike ride). At some point, you need to figure out how to forgive (not forget) and let it go and try to move it (marriage/reconciliation) forward...this is easier said than done, especially for Type A blokes such as myself. Essentially, it is roller coaster ride that lasts for months if not longer...be prepared and recognize it for what it is.

It is OK and natural to feel angry and livid...just don't let it eat you up inside...find some distractions and do something for yourself (and the kids).

Good luck!
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Old 05-28-2009, 05:40 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated with nanny and I can't get over it!

Try to find something to keep your mind occupied. With nothing else to do, you obsess. It will just take time and you can't rush it...sigh...I wish I could!
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Old 05-28-2009, 04:38 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated with nanny and I can't get over it!

Thank you "confused" and "dcrim." It helps to know I'm not alone. I, too, am a Type A personality so it's good to know you can relate. I must admit, I have been focusing on working out and getting outside and it's definitely helping me feel good about myself again. I think recognizing that it's okay to feel the way I do helps. My fear is that when I get in the "so angry" mood I just want to get even and have a fling myself (Probably a Type A thing to do) which I know deep down doesn't help the situation at all and I'll just feel worse.

Positive note, I opened up and shared what I was feeling yesterday with my husband and told him about my list. He was calm and really tried to listen and recognized how painful this is for me and let me know how much he appreciated me trying to stick it out. I guess we'll have to wait and see what happens.
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Old 05-28-2009, 06:19 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated with nanny and I can't get over it!

I did the revenge thing (not cheating) and I sincerely wish I hadn't.

It brought me down to her level. I don't want to be there.

I want to be myself again but it will take time that I cannot rush.

Just hang in there, girl. We're all here for each other. Most of us have been there and got the dang t-shirt!
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Old 05-28-2009, 10:06 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated with nanny and I can't get over it!

Thank you dcrim. I don't ever want to "sink" to anyone's level! You are right and it's really nice to have you guys to lean on for support! I'm usually the tough non-sensitive cookie that everyone goes to with their problems so it's strange to be in the other seat. I'm really glad I found this site to help get through this the "RIGHT" way. I'm sorry I have to learn from your own personal bad experiences but I truly appreciate you sharing them with me.
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Old 05-29-2009, 03:25 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated with nanny and I can't get over it!

You're welcome, Heartysoul.

Well, it's better to learn from someone else's experiences than your own. But not everyone can do that. That's why we're all here for each other.
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Old 05-31-2009, 10:46 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated with nanny and I can't get over it!

Well now I can say I have been in your shoes! In answer to your question about your confidence...first of all you need to take care of you. You sound like me. You take care of everyone but yourself. Now first thing I want you to do is do something for you. What makes you feel better about yourself? For me, it was getting in shape I am now an avid runner, I run 6 days a week. But it could be anything. You have to believe you are worth it. This isn't about you, its because HE is weak! When you focus on you and do something that makes you feel could you will grow stronger to cope with this. As for your trust that he won't do this again, you can't get that back HE must do things to rebuild that trust and it takes time....a lot of time!

I was just posting to another woman who's H was caught cheating and I thought my story might help her, maybe it will help you too. So here it is:

Here's my story, maybe it will help. I hope. I want to tell you were I started, feeling like you do and where I am today 10 months later. I've have been there and still am. I married my h.s. sweetheart. We've been married 15 years, but together 23. We have 2 children together. He's the kind of guy everyone loves but I would have sworn he would be faithful. I remember one time when he was racing jet ski's one of the models came up and wanted to meet him. I happened to be nearby but believe me he could not see me. He didn't give her a second glance, was even somewhat rude and said "I'm married!".

So what happened that changed....life I guess...got boring and he hit midlife crisis. He doubted himself and felt poorly because he was getting older. I could see that but not sure what to do. He looks great at 41, often mistaken for late 20's. I looked every one of my 39 years, having put my children first, him second, job after that, and me last. I was always athletic but how does one find time to work out when they are taking care of a family and working about 12 hours a day? Which I felt I needed to do, as he owns a business (and that's my other job helping there) and it had slowed way down with the economy. I was in a position to work more and support the gap.

Well then he decided an 18 year old neighbor (and our babysitter) looked better than me. He not only had a physical affair with her (and when I was away in our own bedroom!) but he developed a friendship and began confiding stuff to her and sometimes about me. He worked really hard to fool me that things were great between us. How would I know I was working and feeding kids! He was messing around with his girlfriend.

He changed, he became someone I started to dislike. He is a great father but he was no longer there for them, wanting to openly spend time with this girl and our neighbors...just friends he said...I fed my babies, put them to sleep, no kiss from daddy. He was screwing his brains out. I confronted him on a few occasions when he and the neighbors and the girl went out together leaving me at home with the kids. He then told me he was not happy with me and was not sure he wanted to stay married to me.

I figured I could save us. I am an extremely determined person. People who know me say when I decide I am going to do something, it will be done. I was all over the internet reading every advice piece I could, found this site and so may people here helped. I began to work out (wasn't too bad out of shape but 39, 2 kids, no exercise and not great either). I began dropping pounds very quickly everyone noticed but H. But I began feeling really good about myself. Abandoned baggy clothes found retail therapy, but bought entire new wardrobe of younger clothes that fit more tightly. I changed my hairstyle I'd had for last 10 years. Everything you can imagine, I look very little like the person I was a year ago. But more importantly what happened was my own confidence. I began to realize HE did not deserve ME. I could go on, and live my life but he was so lost thinking an 18 year old would make him feel good. Yeah so when he's 50 and she's 27 she'll still be interested???

Anywa, I figured it that he was having an affair because as dumb as I sounded at the beginning of this. One night (D-Day) He wanted to go see a movie by himself to get some "me" time. I sat outside her house and watched her leave 5 min after him. Then I went and hacked in to his computer and found photos he sent to her along with emails. I called him, and at first he was very angry at "what I did" in invading his privacy. I feel like you do. I was so angry I said to him "find someplace else to go but do not come back here, you don't live here anymore".

I called my father who is a locksmith, no explanation I just told him to come immediately change my locks as my H no longer lived there. I got someone to watch my kids, and I went and told her entire faily (several live in the neighborhood). They were furious with my H and their daughter. They said they would see to it she never came around me and my children again, in fact they moved out of the house and rented it and make her leave too. She found another place to live.

I hated him, called him every name in the book. But I loved him too. He changed and realized he ruined his whole life and she was not what he wanted. But I was a new person. No one will ever treat me like this again. If I was who I am today, he never would have gotten the new key to get back in the house.

He did call me, eventually I took his call and he said the only words I would hear "please can we go to marriage counseling". We did and I agreed to give it another try but on my terms. No communication with her, total transparency, and I wanted to honest answers to my question, and above all 110% commitment.

He promised all those things, but it was over a period of a few months before I got all the answers, and he actually emailed her a few times days right after to get closure, which he did admit to me.

Today, I have anger. It will be a roller coaster, anger, despair, anxiety, depression...and it can change every 5 minutes. Its normal and its part of healing. Do seek counseling it can help you, and its ok to feel anger.

Best thing to do is get an outlet, this forum is a good one. Write down your feelings, letters to him but you don't have to give them to him. There will be times when you need to just let loose and tell him how angry you are and how stupid he was. In my book that's ok! But that will be for you, not for repair of the relationship. In my opinion its important that he know your feelings and how deeply he hurt you. But real communication should be constructive. Start with "I.." "I am really angry with you because you betrayed me...." when he talks to you though, don't interupt. Let him finish. Don't jump back, really listen. Remember if your goal is to repair then you need to discuss this.

Its too soon to not feel this anger. But it does subside, so does the pain. I hurt still but its no longer festering...just once in awhile it pops up.

I'm not an angry person, not violent in fact I'm a pretty gentle person. But I've transferred all my anger to the OW. I do not trust myself around her. I told my H, to make sure that she stays away (he doesn't communicate with her but she has tried 3 times, he's told me about it) because if she does, all that anger may come out.

I am so sorry all this has happened, I hope that you will be able to work through this.
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Old 05-31-2009, 10:49 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated with nanny and I can't get over it!

"I realize clinging to this rage and choking feelings is only hurting me. I need to figure out how to separate my feelings for him and what he did to us and our family."

Its normal! You are normal! and anger sometimes gives us comfort. You are so confused about how to feel. You know this emotion, so you will come back to it often. Feeling angry has become my "shelter" because I understand that emotion. It can help as long as you don't allow it to take over. Let yourself have those moments, and as time goes by it will be less.

However, when I read your response I don't hear anything about what he is doing to fix this????
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Old 06-01-2009, 11:31 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Wow! That was extremely helpful Azmomoftwo! I guess the best thing is knowing that I'm not alone. I'm finding great trust at least in those of you on this board.

Like you, I am an avid runner and have gotten myself back in shape. I gained 88 pounds with our first child and 86 with our second. Mind you, I've always been athletic and in great shape so the weight gain was difficult to cope. Proudly, I have ten pounds to go to get back to my wedding day weight. And, thankfully, my husband has noticed, although now I feel like I'm getting my shape back for me and the kids.

My husband is definitely remorseful. I did fire the nanny and he has only talked to her once since. (At least that's what he says.) He did tell me when she called him a few days later. My husband has been extremely patient and encouraging me to share my emotions, no matter how difficult it is for him to hear. He does act sorry and knows he has to earn my trust back. (Although he does often throw out there that he doesn't trust me anymore either because I broke into his computer. I often feel he's using that to try to make me feel bad too.)

We've talked about going to counseling but so far have been able to talk openly about everything. I do feel like I get real answers because they're often things I don't want to hear. We're laughing quite a bit together again and trying to find our passion for one another and as a team.

Each day is a roller coaster and we do want to make this work. I just can't help but wonder if I'm just being a fool and if he did this once what's to say next year when the kids take up our time that he won't get unhappy again and do this again. I know I'm the best thing for him and am starting to wonder if I deserve better!
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