Married 12 years. 2 kids.
I have never been unhappy in my marriage we only had 2 real fights in 12 years.
We have a new social circle of friends / parents that do crap together. When the kids go to sleep, the adults drink and have a good time.
It was sort of a weird party scene. I failed to notice my wife growing affection for one of my best friends. After alll when 20 people are drinking and being crazy nobody pays attention.
I went through her phone and saw all these horrible sext messages between the two of them. I tore her a new one, and met him at a bar and threatened to tell his wife if he didn't cut it the **** out. He actually grabbed my hand and cried like a pu$$y and said thank you for not telling his wife, etc. I pretty much forgave him.
I am not stupid. At this point, I loaded the wife's cell w/ software that allows me to take pics, listen to calls, listen to the environment, all sorts of covert ****.
I noticed the texts stopped completely. None at all so I am like cool.
one day I got an odd feeling from out of nowhere and decide to turn the mic on on her cell phone and there plain as day, they were at her office alone having sex. No question.
I saw red. I drove 100 miles an hour to her office (he was gone) and she was like "why are you here?" I proceeded to destroy her office, told her all sorts of horrible things, and called him from her office and said "If you don't call your wife right now, I am taking the recording of you ****ing my wife and posting it on your facebook page"
That was June 11th.
My whole world exploded. I spoke to them both separately and they both claimed they had sex 6 times over a 2 month period. I have no way to know if that is true. Let's assume it is.
I have ups and downs about staying together or divorcing and I still have no idea. With the kids in the mix, I will likely stay but I am not sure how I am going to "un hear" those recordings I heard and imagine the things they were doing and of course feeling like I was totally played.
I am just feeling like **** and venting. This is the worst year of my life. I have had good weeks where things are almost normal again then I go back to How the **** could she.
I tried counseling and anti depressants, She is in counseling and on anti depressants.
She totally wants to work it out and is doing all the right things but I am not sure I can get over it.
I asked if the sex was better. She said not better or worse, just different. They told each other they loved each other and That KILLS me.
she said they flirted a lot and they met for coffee and it was like they were dating. One thing led to another and she "lowered her boundaries too far" No ****....
She is in counseling trying to find out how she was capable of this and how not to let it happen again.
after I busted her, she said she doesn't miss him at all and she thought she had these feelings for him but she feels nothing but disgust about their actions when she thinks of him now.
I told him to move away or I would do more damage.
We live in Texas. He starts a new job in Nov in Wisconsin so they are moving away.
But I have lost most of my friends and am a total insecure mess now....
Have you considered demanding a polygraph - I can't help but wonder if this is her first rodeo. Since she's in contact with a lot of cheaters, it likely influenced her to do it - or possibly she's always been interested in such things and that's why she's a counselor because she's attracted to the thrill?
I hope she is now a 100% open book - all emails phone texts etc - and here whereabouts at all times.
Sorry my man, this sucks as I'm sure you are aware. I've been here for some time now and it seems the ones who act quickly and decisively are the real winners of the infidelity game. Maybe they know themselves better than we know ourselves. You are in for a world of hurts and depending how you react to all of this will determine your length of pain. Good luck
This is terrible. The fact that she is a marriage counselor makes it even more insidious IMO because she 1) should know better and 2) would know how to manipulate the situation due to her expertise. Out of curiosity, did you ask her how she would advise a married couple in the exact same situation as the two of you are in? Her advice as a marriage counselor would be quite telling IMO.
Mistake number one was not telling his wife. That is something you can fix though. I am sorry you are going through this right now. It is a horrible club to belong to. Be aware that there will be tons of ups and downs. Remember that she has to do the work for you guys to stay together. And nobody can blame you if you chose to leave. It is always an option. I happened to stay only because of the children. That was after I gave him the choice to leave.
Man I feel for you. My wife had a 2 year affair. I asked every detail you could imagine and I am struggling. I couldn't imagine how I would feel if I had heard them in the act. This story makes me sick. I am really sorry for you man. I wish I could offer you more advise right now, but this has triggered me something fierce. Just stick around here and let these experienced posters help you out. Coming here has helped me a great deal. I imagine you will find some relief once you post for a while. Good luck! This infidelity **** really sucks. It's going to get a whole lot worse before it gets better. But from what I hear it DOES get better.
For the younger folks, one thing you wont get until you have kids is that these little people are two things I would kill myself for without a second thought. I kicked her out of the house for 2 months and as much as I hated her for those two months, watching the affect it had on these two kids was devastating. "Where's mommy" "When is mommy coming home" Their personalities changed and it made me so sick to see them acting different. They would stay with her at her parents and then stay with me and sometimes they didn't want to come home to me they wanted to stay with her.
Enter lonely nights of binge drinking and sobbing (35 year old man btw) on my floor for hours.
There is no amount of hate toward her that is worth taking the kids' mommy from them or causing them any instability. That is my opinion. But I guess people divorce all the time and kids deal / adjust so who knows?
Still, seeing the effect it had on them is why I eventually invited her back to the house. Some nights we are in the same bed, the last few nights, I have been on the couch because I don't want to be near her. But the kids are very normal and happy now. Being a dad, you always (or should) think in sacrifice mode. I would be willing to be in a sub par marriage if it meant my kids would be better off.
Now if she and I were fighting all the time and the kids were seeing it, that would be a different story. But she and I agree to be mom and dad at all times when the kids are around and we talk almost every night. We talk a lot. sometimes they are good talks, sometimes they are not.
Just trying to add a bit of perspective on what my age and kids make me have to do.
Without question, if I had no kids, I would be single now. 100%
I suspect the best possible scenario is I stay for the kids and not getting my check cut in half, and at some point, we re-grow together.