It's been a month now. It still hurts very badly. Here's my story.
We met 4 years ago through a common friend. We clicked pretty fast but didn't start dating till about a year later. After dating a year everything felt so right, unlike any other woman I've been with before. We got married. A year later we had a son, times were great.
A little after my son was born I started a new career in aviation as an avionics technician. A little stressful at times consider if I mess up at my job people can die. Also there are weeks where I work 60-70 hours. Now it may sound like I'm blaming the job but it did add stress when they moved me to 2nd shift.
We had decided that I get a vasectomy done. On the day of the surgery, after I was done, she was crying and saying she didn't want me to get it done. I was like why didn't you say something???
Soon after that I could tell something wasn't right in our marriage, so we set up marriage counceling.
There are many things I look back to that I wish I did differently. The little things I used to do for her didn't happen as often after I started my career and raising a child.
I used to massage her, tell her how pretty she was, how much I loved her, do things she asked, etc. Yeah I didn't do those things as often after the real world has been setting in. That is what I learned from this whole thing is, no matter how hard life is, I still should have, and will remember to do those little things.
Anyway, even tho I had briefly forgot to do those things, it could have been fixed. With the conceling, I was starting to realize it and was working on ways to improve myself.
Well we only went to 2 sessions... one day I got out of work early. She had told me she was gonna go to the bar with her cousin and her cousins husband for kariokee. I figure I'd surprise her and show up. Well I did show up, and she was there with another man.
Now it very well could have been innocent, but when I showed up, they both had the deer in the headlights look. It didn't feel right, but I played it cool. After we left she had attitude with me and we just didn't talk much the rest of the night.
The next day we argue and she says shes leaving me, going to stay with her cousin. Later that week, I go up there and I talk to her cousins husband. I said whats going on?? He's like, thats something you 2 have to work out. I asked if she was seeing someone, he said yes. All week previously I was asking if there was someone else, she was saying no.
Well I called her up since she was out and asked her. She admitted to seeing him. Later she admitted to having sex with him the very next day after I had showed up to the bar that night.
I don't know if she really met him that night or not, she says she did.
Later she starts seeing that she has made a mistake and says she has cut him off, and is now trying to get me back. I'll give her this, she has told me a lot about what they did, even details about the sex they had, and yes, i was asking those questions, she wasn't just telling me things.
What I don't get is our sex life was great. We were very open and communicated about everything sexually, what we liked didn't like etc. We had sex very often, and she usually initiated it. She tells me his sex pretty much sucked, and yes she is throwing sex at me still.
I figure she cheated on me cuz she felt like I wasn't giving her the love and attention she desired. I still did, just wasn't as often as it was at first. Maybe I spoiled her?
It sucks cuz even tho I knew we were hitting a rough patch, I feel like we could have gotten through it, but she chose another path.
I am still in love with her, and want to be with her, but how can I after what she did to me??? I trusted her, I thought we would grow old together. I don't understand how the person I love the most could hurt me so bad. It's the worse pain I have ever felt. Our family was just starting and I had high hopes. She ripped it all away from me.
She wants to work things out. How could I even try? How could I trust her? Why should I even bother? Yeah I have my issues as everyone does, but I'm a good man and father, I feel I deserve better. Could she change? Should I give her a chance? If I do can I forgive her? Will it always be on my mind what happened? I have felt tons of emotions this past month, sadness, betrayal, anger, depression, lonliness, fear, everything.
My vote is that your painful experience is still way too fresh to even try to make any decisions right now. Be mad, and ask every question you want of her. Don't decide you have to trust her yet. She has to prove herself to you more. Go day-to-day for a while and allow yourself the full range of emotions. You'll know more in time. I'm sorry, and good luck.
I am very sorry. It does seem awfully gutsy of her to cheat even after you caught her with another man at the bar. Also, I understand the stress that comes with a new child. With me, I had the most hatred toward my husband in the first year after the birth of my second son. It sounds like your wife is willing to work things out, so good luck.
MB, just take it one day at a time! I know the pain, believe me.
As to whether or not it's worth the effort, only you can decide. It does seem to me that she had a rather cavalier attitude in her decision and actions. That may be the deciding factor. Obviously the trust is broken and it will take tremendous effort to get it back.
As for the details of the sex itself, don't go there any more. You don't want those images in your mind for the rest of your life! You may, possibly, forgive...but you will NEVER forget!
I know it hurts...the love of your life went with someone else. Like the song called Take A Letter Maria (look up the lyrics). I was devastated when my xgf dumped me and married her neighbor (for his money!), all within a month!
I know it feels like your heart was ripped out and stomped on. It is recoverable, though. If you want it. But you have to want it...and so does she. Otherwise, she'll do it again. Do you want that heartache again?
She must commit to the marriage and mean it. Counseling will be needed both individually and together. You can get over this, both of you. Or you both may decide it's over between you.
I'm not waffling here. Only trying to point out the choices. Stay together or divorce. Those are both hard choices and both will take a toll. Both will take time to heal.
Only YOU can decide what the two of you should do. She made the mistake but you get to call the choices now.
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It ain't illegal until you're caught!
You have to lower your expectations from here out. You will never look at her the same. Ever. You may love her and she may love you. But she has done something that will change the dynamic of your marriage forever. Counseling is a must if you are to have any chance. Expect months and maybe years of movies in your head. You will be having a great time together and all of a sudden something will trigger you, and you are right back at the beginning. Consider this. You had better be willing to be unhappy and angry half the time you are with her for the foreseeable future. That is what I meant about lowering your expectations. You will have to love her a great deal to put yourself through this. Good luck.
Your long journey is just beginning. Do not make any decisions right now. You are feeling too much pain and hurt. Your inital responce may be just to let this go, and love her into seeing your the best thing that's ever happened to her. Trust me, that is the wrong approach. She will want this because it lets her off the hook. She's a lier and cheater, and she's not trustworthy. If she wants to be trusted again, she needs to earn your trust.
Let your wife know this, you have not made a decision about your marriage, and you will not until you've had time to heal and think clearly.
I would tell her if she wants to fix this, the two of you need to commit to a number of things.
1. End all contact with the OM. I would make her call this individual, (with you present and listing in to both sides of the conversation), and tell him never to contact her again. Let her know if she contacts the OM whatsever, your marriage is done. Make this crystal clear to her. If the other man contacts her, you expect her to tell you immediately. The oh, I forgot to tell you about that doesn't cut it. That's tatamount to deceit.
2. Brutal honesty from both of you. If you want to know details about what occurred, she needs to be honest with you. Let her know if she's deceitful in any way, your marriage is done. You will also be honest about what you do and how you feel. You will also not belittle, show your anger, and keep hanging this over her head.
3. Complete and total transparency. Complete access to cell phones, email accounts, etc.
4. Counseling, individual and joint marriage counseling
Whether you remain married or not is your decision, but her actions will help dictate your decision. Make sure you let her know this.
Best of luck and God Bless
Well it's been a little bit since I posted. I want to thank all that replied. It has helped me see many sides of what could be done and some of the possible results.
Since then, she did agree to get rid of him. I dunno if that really happend or not but it did seem that way. This was over Memorial Day weekend. We did spend a little time together, and to me I was a little weary but it seemed ok. Just after that, I suppose she thought I was just gonna go running back to her... even tho I told her, if this is gonna work, you have to put a TON of effort into it, and we would basically have to start all over.
Well after 5 days... she has him back over. To me, that's like giving me a big middle finger to the face.
I'm starting to think all she ever did was use me. She found a sucker who would fall in love and take care of her... which honestly, I would have no problem with as long as she really loved me back and was honest and faithful.
She has been recently contacting me saying she don't know what to do, shes broke and can't pay her bills. All I can say is sorry, but you made this bed, now lie in it.
I have come to conclude that there is no saving this marriage. I even gave her a chance and she didn't even try. What I know is I did my best and it's to the point where I really don't even care how screwed she is. Karma's a *****.
One day I may find that someone who is worthy of my love, devotion, and commitment.
I know right now you're in a lot of pain. But in the end, finding out so quickly (5 days) that she can never be trusted, has actually saved you months and months of her eating cake and you trying to restore the marriage while she is getting boinked by whoever. You will find someone. And your ex wife to be will see you with her and kick herself daily. Now is the time to think about you and your son. Let her sink under her debt. Its called a consequence. Best of luck. And keep posting for support. You can always PM us.
take care of yourself and dont give her a damn dime! let her see what it feels like to be hurt. stay strong take cre of you better things will come i promise! keep your head up!
CPT
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"I WILL SAVE MY MARRIAGE."
"i will be a more sensitive,caring,and emotional person this is what my family deserves from me."
"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain..."
Even after 2 months now, it's very hard. What bothers me the most about the whole thing was not the fact she had sex with him, honestly if it was a thing where she got way too drunk and did a 1 time thing, I may have just let that go... but it's the fact that she kept the affair going for over a month with this guy, and said she had some kind of feelings for him.
Well as it turned out, they ended the affair a few weeks ago, and as far as I know there's no contact between the 2. Now she's been trying to get me to come to her place, just to spend time with her, suggesting we go out, apologizing to me, calling all the time, even throwing sex at me, which I admit, we did do a couple times... stupid me.
Last night however, I was picking up my son, and of course we talked a little, then I just kinda looked at her, she asks, what's wrong. I told her you don't want to know what I'm thinking, it'll upset you. She kept insisting that I tell her.. so I did. I told her, sometimes when I look at you, I get disgusted by what you did. How can anyone that is in love, and married, just go to some strange guy, have sex with him, and develope feelings...
She got so upset, calling herself a ****, etc. crying profusly, saying how many times does she have to apologize, why do I hurt her like that, etc.
I kinda felt bad, because while my heart may not be the same as it once was, it's still there.
I just don't understand what's going on... I'm still very confused. One day, I'll just forget about her, the next, I'll want what we once had and miss her.
My wife cheated on me...
