Husband Caught Texting
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Husband Caught Texting

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 10-04-2012, 11:26 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Husband Caught Texting

This is not the first time. When H and I were dating, he confessed to me that he was texting a girl that he talked to online. He had never met this girl in person, she didn't live anywhere near us. He sent the girl pictures, received pictures, talked sexually and even told her he loved her (although he says he only said it because she asked him to). This went on for a little over a month before he admitted to it. We had been together about 2 years and had just bought a place together. We went to couples counseling, and he went on his own as well. We moved passed it, and I did forgive. I did not forget. After 2 years passed after the incident, we got engaged. I was very happy and felt that he had done a 180. We married 1.5 years later.

Now to the second time. We have been married just over a year. Together for 7. I am 28, he is 29 - no kids. On Sunday, we were out with friends and he asked me to use his phone to take a pic of him near a statue. I did and handed the phone back to him and let him know he had a text. I didn't read the text. However, he began reading it outloud while we were with friends. "Hi, this is Nicole, let me know if you need an escort any time soon." This got me suspicious, he said it must have been a wrong number. So, the next day I got online and looked through his phone records. I entered in all of our friends numbers so that I could see who he was texting that I did not know. I found about 10 different numbers over the last two months that I didn't recognize. Most of which were texts between the hours of Midnight and 4am (he works nights).

I confronted him, gave him the chance to tell me, and when he denied I told him I have proof of numbers. Then he admitted that he had been browsing backpage and was texting women who were under the massage section. Pretty much escorts/prostitutes. He swears he never met with any of them that he just texted them for information about what they do and how much they charge. I believe that he didn't meet them, because I monitor our bank account like a hawk and never saw any random charges or large atm withdraws. However, what bothers me about this is that what if eventually he did meet one. Was he ever going to stop, get help or was he just waiting to actually meet one of them?

To give you some additional info about our 1st year of marriage I have to tell you a bit about why we had such a rough year. H and I got along well, no big fights, but the year was very hard on me. I was laid off for 3 months, my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, I had 2 surgeries which prevented me from having sex the last few months. I was not very sexual leading up to the surgery because of the location of where I needed surgery made me feel very uncomfortable during the act. During my last surgery, they found a carcinoid tumor and I had to have it removed. It's been a stressful year on me to say the least, and I know I probably did not pay as much attention to our physical side as I should have. Although I'm not using that as an excuse for him.

I just don't know what to do, where to go from here. I love him more than anything. I never wanted to get divorced, and I told him that. I also told him that I would not accept him cheating on me again. Will I look like a fool if I stay? I am very hurt, and know that we would have a long road ahead of us. I guess I'm looking to hear if anyone has gone through something similar what happened? Has anyone forgiven their husband a second time and been happy down the road? Am I being stupid and should just leave? I'm worried I am going to disappoint my family, especially my dad. Considering he does not have much time left to live it breaks my heart to know that if I did leave and marry again down the road my dad will now not be there.

We are going to couples counseling tonight, he went once by himself so far and she wants me to come next time.
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Old 10-04-2012, 11:30 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband Caught Texting

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Originally Posted by chuggs13 View Post
This is not the first time.
He sounds like a serial cheater or a man who thrives off getting several women's attention, to the detriment of his marriage.

This is disrespectful. You know that.

Serial cheaters are a different breed of cheater. Yes, they are all bad but a serial cheat will rarely ever be reformed.

Go to MC and voice how you feel tonight. Put all your cards on the table.

Sorry about your father. That is tough.

But ask yourself: would your dad want you being with a man who respects you so little he has to lie and seek out other women repeatedly? I know my dad would not like that for me.
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Old 10-04-2012, 11:33 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Jellybeans View Post
He sounds like a serial cheater or a man who thrives off getting several women's attention, to the detriment of his marriage.

This is disrespectful. You know that.

Serial cheaters are a different breed of cheater. Yes, they are all bad but a serial cheat will rarely ever be reformed.

Go to MC and voice how you feel tonight. Put all your cards on the table.

Sorry about your father. That is tough.

But ask yourself: would your dad want you being with a man who respects you so little he has to lie and seek out other women repeatedly? I know my dad would not like that for me.
Great advice.....same that I would give...

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Old 10-04-2012, 11:55 AM   #4 (permalink)
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You have to do what you feel is going to make your heart happy. Dont worry about what others think...they dont walk in your shoes or live your life. You are the one that has to look in the mirror everyday and see yourself..noone else!

Although it is totally wrong, do you think he could just be seeking attention? Maybe he would have pursued it, maybe he wouldnt have. You might never know.

If I were in your shoes, I would go to the counseling, let him know that he has betrayed you AGAIN , and that you are not going to just be a door mat. Let him know you need time to process it all as you dont know what you are going to do. If he is genuinely sorry and remorseful you will know!

Good luck!
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Old 10-04-2012, 12:03 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband Caught Texting

Men don't contact escorts out of curiosity, they contact them because they are looking to use their services.

Don't believe his lame excuses. Your first year of marriage may have been a tough one, but that's not a free pass for him to cheat. Which he is considering, or quite possibly, has been doing all along.
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Old 10-04-2012, 12:06 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by LetDownNTX View Post
If I were in your shoes, I would go to the counseling, let him know that he has betrayed you AGAIN , and that you are not going to just be a door mat. Let him know you need time to process it all as you dont know what you are going to do. If he is genuinely sorry and remorseful you will know!
I told him to move out of the house as soon as I found out, so he has done that. I also gave him a list of things he had to do in order for me to even consider moving forward. I asked him to turn over all PWs, which he did, and I had for email/FB, etc. I asked him to go to counseling, which he did the next day. I asked him to go to the doctor for a full STD panel, which he has set up. He seems genuinely sorry and remorseful, I do believe that. He has been sick to his stomach, and the few moments I did see him when he stopped by to pick up clothes/tooth brush he seemed truly sorry.

I told him very honestly that I had told him two things before we got married. That if he ever cheated on me again, I would not tolerate it, and that I never wanted to get a divorce. I mean both very honestly. That's where it becomes so hard for me to get a grasp on what I should do.

I hope that tonight will bring some clarity, but we will see.

I do think that he did this just for attention, and he told me that he did it because he wanted to feel like someone wanted him. I know I neglected him, I know that is not an excuse for what he did. But I do own that I did neglect him due to everything I was going through this year. I just don't know if I'm willing to accept that and try to fix it.
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Old 10-04-2012, 12:27 PM   #7 (permalink)
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If he is a guy that CONSTANTLY needs attention from the opposite sex, has done this in the past, and is still lying to you about what really happened (he is lying/covering up btw) leave now..he is a serial cheater...!

I wish I would have left when I was your age. Instead we tried to work it out after the A's for the past 5 years....

Well guess what, serial cheaters don't seem to change. Even with counseling and books. The attention seeking behavior is too deeply rooted, IMO. And most won't do the work necessary to change that behavior. They will blame everyone/everything else for their actions.

Do not start to blame yourself for any of this. There are other ways for him to handle the non sex issue. Is looking for prostitutes the next logical steep in dealing with a martial problem like that??? No, its not.

His actions....watch them. Do not listen to anything he says.

I know you said you don't want to divorce. But I feel upholding the "if you cheat on me I'm leaving you" rule needs to be applied in this situation. If you stay, I guarantee you will be in this same position in a few years.

Stay true and respect yourself, since he obviously doesn't.
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Old 10-04-2012, 01:20 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I've been in his shoes. Texting someone I met on the internet. Thankfully, my husband forgave me or is forgiving me. it only happened once, and I told him about it. he didn't have to find out.

If i were in your shoes. I would leave him in a heart beat.

Does he have a credit card that you don't monitor that he could use to charge escort services to?

Does he have a secret bank account?
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Old 10-04-2012, 01:29 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Does he have a credit card that you don't monitor that he could use to charge escort services to?

Does he have a secret bank account?
He doesn't have a credit card...that I know for sure because before we met he didn't even have a bank account, or any built up credit.

He doesn't have a secret bank account - at least I really don't think so. His check is direct deposited, and he never withdraws money, unless I know what it is for. I monitor our account like crazy, not because of infidelity, but to ensure we are saving properly and paying all the bills.
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Old 10-04-2012, 01:58 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband Caught Texting

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Originally Posted by chuggs13 View Post
I told him to move out of the house as soon as I found out, so he has done that. I also gave him a list of things he had to do in order for me to even consider moving forward. I asked him to turn over all PWs, which he did, and I had for email/FB, etc. I asked him to go to counseling, which he did the next day. I asked him to go to the doctor for a full STD panel, which he has set up. He seems genuinely sorry and remorseful, I do believe that. He has been sick to his stomach, and the few moments I did see him when he stopped by to pick up clothes/tooth brush he seemed truly sorry.

I told him very honestly that I had told him two things before we got married. That if he ever cheated on me again, I would not tolerate it, and that I never wanted to get a divorce. I mean both very honestly. That's where it becomes so hard for me to get a grasp on what I should do.

I hope that tonight will bring some clarity, but we will see.

I do think that he did this just for attention, and he told me that he did it because he wanted to feel like someone wanted him. I know I neglected him, I know that is not an excuse for what he did. But I do own that I did neglect him due to everything I was going through this year. I just don't know if I'm willing to accept that and try to fix it.
I am sorry you are here and that you are hurting so much. I know exactly what you are going through as I too gave my husband an ultimatum after I discovered his affair and told him we would done if he couldn't comply. He couldn't comply.

Just like you, I am stuck between being in love with a man and my need to feel valued, respected and loved. I want to share some truths of the matter with you.

1. You and I are not victims, we volunteered. We knew what the potential dangers of continuing to be with these men were and we rolled the dice. We lost.

2. The chances that our husbands will now decide they really do value us and their marriages to stop their destructive behavior is almost nil. Why will this time be any different?

3. We have trained our husband's to disregard us because we tolerated them treating us poorly for too long. You and I were more afraid of losing our men than having a bad marriage. If we had of focused on the quality of the marriage and not our fears we may not have wound up in this situation at all. We would also have our self respect and self esteem intact.

I am not pushing for you to do anything you don't want to do but you must considered how you have supported your husband in doing this to you.

I also want to add that a husband that cannot understand his wife is not feeling sexual due to an upcoming surgery and then uses it to crush her into the ground is not someone who is worthy of you no matter what.

You don't have a part in this and I strongly caution you against accepting any of the blame especially if you do not divorce him. He will use it until the end of time to justify what cannot be justified.

Take good care of yourself. You deserved so much more from him.
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Old 10-04-2012, 02:22 PM   #11 (permalink)
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what he did was wrong, but you are going to have to address the sex (or lack of) issue, too.
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Old 10-04-2012, 02:22 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Jellybeans View Post
He sounds like a serial cheater

Serial cheaters are a different breed of cheater. Yes, they are all bad but a serial cheat will rarely ever be reformed.
Absolutely correct!
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