I told him to move out of the house as soon as I found out, so he has done that. I also gave him a list of things he had to do in order for me to even consider moving forward. I asked him to turn over all PWs, which he did, and I had for email/FB, etc. I asked him to go to counseling, which he did the next day. I asked him to go to the doctor for a full STD panel, which he has set up. He seems genuinely sorry and remorseful, I do believe that. He has been sick to his stomach, and the few moments I did see him when he stopped by to pick up clothes/tooth brush he seemed truly sorry.
I told him very honestly that I had told him two things before we got married. That if he ever cheated on me again, I would not tolerate it, and that I never wanted to get a divorce. I mean both very honestly. That's where it becomes so hard for me to get a grasp on what I should do.
I hope that tonight will bring some clarity, but we will see.
I do think that he did this just for attention, and he told me that he did it because he wanted to feel like someone wanted him. I know I neglected him, I know that is not an excuse for what he did. But I do own that I did neglect him due to everything I was going through this year. I just don't know if I'm willing to accept that and try to fix it.
I am sorry you are here and that you are hurting so much. I know exactly what you are going through as I too gave my husband an ultimatum after I discovered his affair and told him we would done if he couldn't comply. He couldn't comply.
Just like you, I am stuck between being in love with a man and my need to feel valued, respected and loved. I want to share some truths of the matter with you.
1. You and I are not victims, we volunteered. We knew what the potential dangers of continuing to be with these men were and we rolled the dice. We lost.
2. The chances that our husbands will now decide they really do value us and their marriages to stop their destructive behavior is almost nil. Why will this time be any different?
3. We have trained our husband's to disregard us because we tolerated them treating us poorly for too long. You and I were more afraid of losing our men than having a bad marriage. If we had of focused on the quality of the marriage and not our fears we may not have wound up in this situation at all. We would also have our self respect and self esteem intact.
I am not pushing for you to do anything you don't want to do but you must considered how you have supported your husband in doing this to you.
I also want to add that a husband that cannot understand his wife is not feeling sexual due to an upcoming surgery and then uses it to crush her into the ground is not someone who is worthy of you no matter what.
You don't have a part in this and I strongly caution you against accepting any of the blame especially if you do not divorce him. He will use it until the end of time to justify what cannot be justified.
Take good care of yourself. You deserved so much more from him.