Is it possible for a Serial Cheater/ Narcissist to change his stripes?
Quite Long and Only Part 1.
I have been posting on here for a couple months now; one afternoon I decided to check out some infidelity forums since I am knee deep in “the cause” of such anguish and pain. I already knew the “cheater side” all too well, understood the magnitude of an affair, but felt the need to “look deeper” into the aftermath of such betrayal. I wasn’t planning to post, since I was/am part of the problem (the enemy so to speak). Yet, after reading thread after thread, and seeing a common theme, I started posting. I believe there is only one way to deal with a cheater, and that is with harsh consequences. Not begging & not being weak. This is because if you ask any cheater, they want to be in control with little to no consequences.
So I just started posting, mentioning in my posts that I am a cheater, but never sharing much details past that. I mean who really wants to know why someone is so selfish. Why someone is willing to ruin lives and willing to hurt loves one? Why can’t someone just stop such pathetic behavior? I mean, does anyone here really want to know anything about someone who was willing to cause the pain that most of you have experienced/ or experiencing? Yet, I have had PM’s asking just that, so I guess I should share my story. I hope it doesn’t set off any triggers to some of you and I will keep from getting into too much detail.
To start off, I am a diagnosed Narcissist and all that goes with it, a serial cheater, a liar, a manipulator, a predator, who only thinks of myself and believes I can control any situation. I also could be considered a borderline (non-violent) Sociopath. Yeah… that was shocking to find out, cause I always thought of sociopaths as anti-social violent criminals… but there are (per my therapist, 1 out of 25 adults show sociopathic tendencies) non-violent sociopaths. In my case, I do have somewhat of a conscience, but I am very able to live two lives without any noticeable signs of guilt or regret.
I had a very normal upbringing, I wasn’t spoiled, I wasn’t mothered, and my parents are still happily married. Yet, even as a young child I have been sneaky, and once I started dating, I was manipulative and used for my own warped entertainment. I have always been charming, charismatic, and sociable. Very well-liked by many, and I have never had any problems getting attention from the opposite sex. I mean I have dark mysterious features that just fit perfectly with my personality and I used it to my advantage. I use to cheat on my girlfriends, with their best friends, and cheat on the best friend, with another of their friends. I did this all the time, never cared about their feelings and really got off on being deviant. (I know I am not a good person). I almost always got away with it and if there were any questions I usually talked my way out of any suspicion.
The first time I was an OM was when I was 17. I had an A with my married spanish teacher. Yeah just like what you see in the news just that we never got caught. I never shared any of these activities, especially her with anyone; I didn’t have to tell my friends about my conquests… yeah some suspected the girlfriends, but no one ever knew about her. It started sexual but it did get emotional with crazy confessions and fantasy land. It went on for almost 2 years until I went away to school. Looking back, I kind of cringe, it was very deceitful; but then, I loved it, it was intense and exciting… this was before texting and even cell phones (I had a pager); we would write notes and use land line phones. I would continue to chase this high for years to come, and I understand the lure and high of an affair.
When I was 24, I met my wife. I instantly was attracted to her and she made me chase her just a bit cause she is a good girl who really is the opposite of me in every way, she thinks of others before herself and although incredibly stunning, doesn’t know how to flirt and isn’t aware when someone is flirting with her. When we first started dating, I was actually faithful, and didn’t even crave any other. I never was like this before as it was the first time I actually fell in love. Gawd, I still love her just as much, and I recently learned that I wasn’t just drawn to her beauty but her healthy personality and virtues (opposite of mine). It seems Narcissists seek the opposite of themselves as companions.
Well unfortunately I didn’t stay true to her and began some of my old ways. I did change some of my boundaries so to speak. Where I use to cheat with my girlfriends friends, actually seeking it, I never did that again, I made a point to not ever cheat on her with anyone she knew personally. (oh so noble huh??) The first time was with a high school friend’s sister, who I use to be with in secrecy throughout high school. It was the only time anyone caught us and it was her mom (the sister’s) in the act. She never said anything to anyone as she didn’t know I had a girlfriend, but her daughter got a talking too as she did have a boyfriend. As the years went by I moved in with my future W but really started living the double life. I didn’t cheat all the time but I still cheated.
Once I moved in with her I knew I could never do any better and asked her to marry me, this was the beginning of me regretting my behavior and questioning why I was how I was. I was having a full on A shortly after the engagement and didn’t end it until a month after being married. This was the only time I ever lied to an AP about my situation, and led her to believe I was not engaged, but that I only had a live in girlfriend. I also look back at this with the most disgust, cause of the timing, and how I was totally living two lives when I was about to start a committed life with someone who loved me unconditionally. Before this I never took relationships seriously cause it wasn’t a real commitment; it was my way of downplaying hurting her.
After I ended it I was really going to try to be faithful and that became easier once I found out my W was pregnant. We were only married for a couple months and I still was cheating on a couple occasions when I would go see AP from the engagement. Yet after we found out about the pregnancy, I totally ended it with her, telling her about the pregnancy. This because another rule of mine, which just recently, I learned, shows I am capable of stopping my behavior. I wouldn’t cheat on her while she was pregnant, and had no problem doing just that. Actually I been in plenty of A’s and had some ONS (not to many) but I have had long period of no adulterous activities.
After my son was born and after the incredible high from being a new father and bringing life into the world, I was feeling overwhelmed and looking for escapes. But this time I recognized it and in a slight depression (cause I wanted to be a great father and husband) went for help. It was the first time I realized I may not be able to stop my behaviors without it…. I went to see a female therapist who really seemed disgusted by what I was telling her and shocked that I just couldn’t stop. I only had on session and she sent me to a male counterpart. He wasn’t any help either, as he tried but his methods were too weak and I stopped going. Well my W knew I was dealing with being a new father and I sugar coated it to her that I just wanted to talk to someone about life changes and doing right for my family. Since she was still enrolled in school she was able to get me to see a counselor through the university who referred me to a husband/wife practice who dealt with life changes and marriage counseling.
Disclaimer- I am a known liar as I stated earlier, but I swear this is no tall tale this all actually happened and very real I bring this up cause it is about to get a bit crazy.-
Well I decided to see the wife as I have always picked females over men in any type of care. Well it started off great, she seemed to understand, said something I was actually thinking and the first two sessions seemed to at least put me at ease, I still had thoughts, actually thoughts about her and I purposely mentioned this to her like I had to cause she was helping me, she took the bait and with her H across the hall or sessions got sexual. I know straight from penthouse letters…. But No Lie…. Her excuse for this, she was my surrogate, I was to only have extramarital with her as we worked on weaning me and such… never happened as we never weaned I actually would started lying to her as well about what I was doing. This ended when we moved because of my work.
I will have to continue when I have more time…. I wrote a bunch more than I thought I would and I am still a good 10 years away from now…. Not sure if this is the right place to post, if there is even a place, but at least you get a look into the drama one lives as a narcissist.