Will I ever want to talk to him again?
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 05-31-2009, 12:07 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Will I ever want to talk to him again?

I've been married for 13 years and found out less than a week ago that my husband has been having internet sex with probably hundreds of women for the last 3 of them (I found this out, he didn' t all of a sudden decide this was wrong and tell me). At the very beginning of our relationship I told him that I believe infidelity shows a complete lack of respect for a person and that no one would ever get a second chance with me after being unfaithful. I think the only reason I'm still with him is because it was all online (I hope) and we have 4 kids together.

I've cried and cried and in between yelling at him and crying, I just don't want anything to do with him.

Unless I'm yelling at him about how stupid I feel and WHY?!?, I don't even want to talk to him because I'm convinced that everything he says to me will be a lie. Will this get better? I don't want my kids to grow up with divorced parents but I don't know how this will work when I can't even stand to be in the same room with him unless the kids are around.

He was my only best friend and I have no one to talk to about this....
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Old 05-31-2009, 01:23 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Will I ever want to talk to him again?

Hi Deb,

I am sorry to hear about things with your husband. I can relate on some level. I found out my wife was having an affair about 3 months ago.

The fact that you want to yell at him makes perfect sense to me. He is your husband, he is supposed to be you partner, your confident, your best friend. I had the same feelings, part of me wanted to never talk to her again, the other wanted to know how she could do this?

One of the books that a counselor recommended that I found helpful was "After the affair". It goes into some detail about the reactions we as hurt spouses experience. It also talks about ways to cope, and how to decide whether to keep a marriage.

I guess the one thing that I can tell you is that what he did was wrong. The feelings your having are some of the same that I experienced.
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Old 05-31-2009, 03:29 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Will I ever want to talk to him again?

Many online cheaters believe it's all a fantasy, no different than masturbation, or porn. I encourage counseling to find out why he cheated. Was he unhappy with your sex life? bored? addicted? wanted adventure? etc..
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Old 05-31-2009, 10:40 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Will I ever want to talk to him again?

Deb,

Here's my story, maybe it will help. I hope. I want to tell you were I started, feeling like you do and where I am today 10 months later. I've have been there and still am. I married my h.s. sweetheart. We've been married 15 years, but together 23. We have 2 children together. He's the kind of guy everyone loves but I would have sworn he would be faithful. I remember one time when he was racing jet ski's one of the models came up and wanted to meet him. I happened to be nearby but believe me he could not see me. He didn't give her a second glance, was even somewhat rude and said "I'm married!".

So what happened that changed....life I guess...got boring and he hit midlife crisis. He doubted himself and felt poorly because he was getting older. I could see that but not sure what to do. He looks great at 41, often mistaken for late 20's. I looked every one of my 39 years, having put my children first, him second, job after that, and me last. I was always athletic but how does one find time to work out when they are taking care of a family and working about 12 hours a day? Which I felt I needed to do, as he owns a business (and that's my other job helping there) and it had slowed way down with the economy. I was in a position to work more and support the gap.

Well then he decided an 18 year old neighbor (and our babysitter) looked better than me. He not only had a physical affair with her (and when I was away in our own bedroom!) but he developed a friendship and began confiding stuff to her and sometimes about me. He worked really hard to fool me that things were great between us. How would I know I was working and feeding kids! He was messing around with his girlfriend.

He changed, he became someone I started to dislike. He is a great father but he was no longer there for them, wanting to openly spend time with this girl and our neighbors...just friends he said...I fed my babies, put them to sleep, no kiss from daddy. He was screwing his brains out. I confronted him on a few occasions when he and the neighbors and the girl went out together leaving me at home with the kids. He then told me he was not happy with me and was not sure he wanted to stay married to me.

I figured I could save us. I am an extremely determined person. People who know me say when I decide I am going to do something, it will be done. I was all over the internet reading every advice piece I could, found this site and so may people here helped. I began to work out (wasn't too bad out of shape but 39, 2 kids, no exercise and not great either). I began dropping pounds very quickly everyone noticed but H. But I began feeling really good about myself. Abandoned baggy clothes found retail therapy, but bought entire new wardrobe of younger clothes that fit more tightly. I changed my hairstyle I'd had for last 10 years. Everything you can imagine, I look very little like the person I was a year ago. But more importantly what happened was my own confidence. I began to realize HE did not deserve ME. I could go on, and live my life but he was so lost thinking an 18 year old would make him feel good. Yeah so when he's 50 and she's 27 she'll still be interested???

Anywa, I figured it that he was having an affair because as dumb as I sounded at the beginning of this. One night (D-Day) He wanted to go see a movie by himself to get some "me" time. I sat outside her house and watched her leave 5 min after him. Then I went and hacked in to his computer and found photos he sent to her along with emails. I called him, and at first he was very angry at "what I did" in invading his privacy. I feel like you do. I was so angry I said to him "find someplace else to go but do not come back here, you don't live here anymore".

I called my father who is a locksmith, no explanation I just told him to come immediately change my locks as my H no longer lived there. I got someone to watch my kids, and I went and told her entire faily (several live in the neighborhood). They were furious with my H and their daughter. They said they would see to it she never came around me and my children again, in fact they moved out of the house and rented it and make her leave too. She found another place to live.

I hated him, called him every name in the book. But I loved him too. He changed and realized he ruined his whole life and she was not what he wanted. But I was a new person. No one will ever treat me like this again. If I was who I am today, he never would have gotten the new key to get back in the house.

He did call me, eventually I took his call and he said the only words I would hear "please can we go to marriage counseling". We did and I agreed to give it another try but on my terms. No communication with her, total transparency, and I wanted to honest answers to my question, and above all 110% commitment.

He promised all those things, but it was over a period of a few months before I got all the answers, and he actually emailed her a few times days right after to get closure, which he did admit to me.

Today, I have anger. It will be a roller coaster, anger, despair, anxiety, depression...and it can change every 5 minutes. Its normal and its part of healing. Do seek counseling it can help you, and its ok to feel anger.

Best thing to do is get an outlet, this forum is a good one. Write down your feelings, letters to him but you don't have to give them to him. There will be times when you need to just let loose and tell him how angry you are and how stupid he was. In my book that's ok! But that will be for you, not for repair of the relationship. In my opinion its important that he know your feelings and how deeply he hurt you. But real communication should be constructive. Start with "I.." "I am really angry with you because you betrayed me...." when he talks to you though, don't interupt. Let him finish. Don't jump back, really listen. Remember if your goal is to repair then you need to discuss this.

Its too soon to not feel this anger. But it does subside, so does the pain. I hurt still but its no longer festering...just once in awhile it pops up.

I'm not an angry person, not violent in fact I'm a pretty gentle person. But I've transferred all my anger to the OW. I do not trust myself around her. I told my H, to make sure that she stays away (he doesn't communicate with her but she has tried 3 times, he's told me about it) because if she does, all that anger may come out.

I am so sorry all this has happened, having been there I feel your pain and I hope this post has helped in some tiny way.
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Old 06-01-2009, 12:25 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Will I ever want to talk to him again?

Thank you all very much for taking the time to repsond to me. I know all of our situations aren't identical but I'm sure the feelings of betrayal, anger and feeling stupid and not good enough are all pretty much the same.

I understand that every marriage encounters rough spots, I only wish that every spouse would take the time to talk to each other when those rough spots are hit. It would certainly cut back on the posting on this website, I think.

Thank you again for taking the time.. At least I know someone out there still cares
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Old 06-09-2009, 12:51 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Will I ever want to talk to him again?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Deb1234 View Post
Thank you all very much for taking the time to repsond to me. I know all of our situations aren't identical but I'm sure the feelings of betrayal, anger and feeling stupid and not good enough are all pretty much the same.

I understand that every marriage encounters rough spots, I only wish that every spouse would take the time to talk to each other when those rough spots are hit. It would certainly cut back on the posting on this website, I think.

Thank you again for taking the time.. At least I know someone out there still cares
Reading posts on this website should be a prerequisite for marriage! Think about all the affairs it would prevent to read about the pain we all feel.
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