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Maybe an EA is Okay?

29K views 241 replies 41 participants last post by  calvin 
#1 ·
i know i am half way into an emotional affair, but i want to know from someone who can tell me when it MAY be better, because the marriage may be best to just let go of.
I am in therapy. It's not making it any better yet.
This marriage is a second marriage, 3 yrs, no kids except from previous marriage, and it seems to have gone cold. or I have gone in another direction and so has he.
my emotional affair feels like it is my only lifeline, because of how stuck i feel in another failed marriage.
I did not see it coming and I sure wasn't looking for it. I had just decided to do the best I could with my job and family and tolerate the distance my husband and I now have.
what i realize-prob with help of the counselor who keeps asking me, 'what do I want?' is that i do not have any good, enriching, uplifting,supportive CONNECTION with my spouse, other than he is here. usually in the next room.
and I am not pursuing my EA, but we work in the same field and when we are together we talk and it just feels way more supportive than what i am getting at home.

what the EA did for me though, was put my husband on notice that something is not right in our relationship and we had better fix it, or i am about to hit the door.

what i also realize is that it does not mean my EA will work out where we end up happily ever after either. I suspect, which could be why I am stuck, is that it will probably end when my marriage ends and I will be on my own completely without any emotional support at all.

i am not sure either if this will make me feel wonderful or horrid.
one way or the other, i think i am ready to let the pieces fall where they may.
 
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#36 ·
honor, loyalty.
sure thing.
anger/hatred
i went through this, I gave my husband everything, and then some, I work hard, we have great sex. But he is not ever there for me. he is always going off to do 'his thing". I told him what i needed, he still didn't make any space for "us". I don't want to be Liz or ZsaZsa which is why despite my anger then hatred then despair then resignation that i would be in another crap marriage, not because I didn't try, but perhaps yes, maybe i am not marriage freaking material. This does piss me off. What's the purpose is being honorable and loyal, when your spouse takes it for granted.

Where do you go for your lifeline when your marriage is in a shambles while you are trying desperately to work it out?
Then someone walks in and seems to just fill in the missing pieces?
Maybe my husband is unable to fill in those missing pieces. He sure as heck needs to be present to try wouldn't you say?
 
#47 ·
Again, I don't understand...How is having an affair answer to this. Your H is a guy you once liked and loved. It is fine you fell out of love. Then you both move on. How is it fair that you start an affair with another man while still living with him and claiming to love him ? You wouldn't wish such humiliation and pain on your worst enemy. Why would you do it to someone you loved ?

What is your end plan ? How do you think this will end ?
 
#37 ·
In most respects, an EA can be far worse than even a PA. If you no longer love your husband, see no discernible reconciliation on the horizon and, at the same time, see yourself straying, just do the both of you a favor in doing the honorable thing and file for the divorce.

Then you can position yourself to do whatever it is that your heart might desire!
 
#38 ·
no i didn't say that to him, he said that to me all the time. i deal with a lot of people in my job and as i said I have old established friendships with men way before he came along. which he knew of before we got married. and I told him, that is his issue to deal with not mine.
 
#40 ·
Then you tell him.

"Look, I am not having my needs met. If we can't fix this or understand what is wrong, I will have to look at other options. I want to work this out, but you need to work at it too."

Then STOP talking to your EA friend and focus on this...good or bad...until it's resolved. If you fix your marriage, don't talk to this EA ...ever, really. It is a divider in your feelings. If you divorce, then, have fun.
 
#49 ·
well thanks everybody for your comments. I guess what you're saying is it's better to dump him and run off with the ea than to just have an affair. so you think a threesome would be out of the question then? jk.
no seriously, we are in counseling, so i will work to resolve the issue one way or the other, i just feel at this point in my life that Life is Short and I don't want to waste another precious second on "working" on a "problem" in a relationship. either it works or it doesn't.

having a sounding board seems to help me really "see" what i am really doing. thanks again
 
#56 ·
well thanks everybody for your comments. I guess what you're saying is it's better to dump him and run off with the ea than to just have an affair. so you think a threesome would be out of the question then? jk.
no seriously, we are in counseling, so i will work to resolve the issue one way or the other, i just feel at this point in my life that Life is Short and I don't want to waste another precious second on "working" on a "problem" in a relationship. either it works or it doesn't.

having a sounding board seems to help me really "see" what i am really doing. thanks again
Have you told him fully about the EA? If not, you're wasting your money.
 
#51 ·
And then you move on to the next guy... a problem surfaces...what happens? Work it out or have another affair? You answered your own question... the fact is, you don't even WANT to be married to this man. We are not saying it's better to dump your husband and run off with the OM. We are saying to stop cake eating. Pick one or the other and don't keep your husband as your backup plan. He should be your ONLY plan. And if the OM was such a great guy, he wouldn't be trying to hook up with a MARRIED woman.
 
#194 ·
And then you move on to the next guy... a problem surfaces...what happens? Work it out or have another affair? You answered your own question... the fact is, you don't even WANT to be married to this man. We are not saying it's better to dump your husband and run off with the OM. We are saying to stop cake eating. Pick one or the other and don't keep your husband as your backup plan. He should be your ONLY plan. And if the OM was such a great guy, he wouldn't be trying to hook up with a MARRIED woman.
Quoted For Truth.
 
#52 ·
what the EA did for me though, was put my husband on notice that something is not right in our relationship and we had better fix it, or i am about to hit the door.
Or you could have just tried talking with him.
 
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#54 ·
i DID try talking to him. Usually he said, "I don't want to talk about it." and then leave the room, go to bed, hide under the covers.

then one day when I felt like I was going to break in half over this I found an article of why women cheat and it hit the spot of what I had been trying to tell him,but he was not hearing. I sent it to him.He then asked me if i was having an affair, which I was not-but was sure ready to- and told him no, but asked him if he wanted me to.
so he tried to be more attentive for awhile, but then fell back into his patterns.
Actually, I am really not sure that he isn't passive/aggressive and he really would prefer to end the marriage, just wants it to be me to do it so he is blameless.

the more I write the more screwed up I seem to feel. I have been wrestling with this for more than 6 months.
 
#57 ·
So why did you marry this guy? What is your feelings or ideas on being a partner with a man. I think you said that he wants to play computer games now that he is linked to you. You could walk up to him in a bra and panties and a baseball bat, take out the monitor and say " Dear, I really need to talk to you!" Men are kind of thick but they will understand baseball talk!
 
#58 ·
Counseling won't do jack sh!t with 3 people in the marriage. Your husband is fighting a phantom enemy he can't see, who he doesn't know exist, and all your emotions are going to him.

The bads in the marriage are exacerbated, the goods are minimized.

(1)If you do not want to be with your husband, divorce. Then you can do and see whomever you want and your husband can find another wife who won't step out on him.

(2)If you want to be with him, break off EA and go to counseling.

(3)If you want to get counseling because you are not sure of either of those two options and want to find out if you want the marriage to work or end, OM STILL HAS TO GO as counseling is worthless when one of the participants is having an affair.


Its as simple as that.

All you're doing here is making reasons to justify your behavior.

When theres problems in a marriage, you try to work it out, or you get counseling, or you separate or divorce.

HAVING AN AFFAIR IS NOWHERE ON THAT LIST!

That is your crappy choice to betray your husband and no matter what problems the marriage had, that choice is 100% on you.

Go back to the three bolded choices and pick one.
 
#59 ·
the ea started out innocent enough and my spouse would be sitting right beside me when i would answer the phone, so at least he heard my side of the conversations. sometimes i would share what was going on, most times he didn't seem to be interested.

I married the guy at this point I am thinking on false promises now, because he claimed to have the same passion i had for a certain type of project, but then always seemed kind of reluctant to do it, and now says he does not want to do it at all. But they are large projects and i can't do them without some assistance. So i feel duped, because i told him before we got married, this is the direction i am going, with or without you, and it has been very fulfilling for me. It just so happens my EA is in that same direction, so the conflict is even more compelling.

Perhaps I am not assertive enough to use a baseball bat, but after two years of "waiting around for him" while he does nothing except play on the computer and play games with his buddies, I said to hell with it. I am going to do my own thing and live my own life, but maintained my freaking loyalty to my crappy marriage.

do i sound resentful? I got very mad this happened, because it should not have. I should not have been put into a position of choosing an emotional bond with someone other than my husband, but where in the hell was he and why do i have to be the one doing all the emotional work to keep it together?
 
#61 · (Edited)
Then set him free. Do you think he wants to be married to a woman in an emotional affair who doesn't love him?. Divorce him so he can find another woman and you can do whatever you want.

Currently you want to cake eat. Keep a husband as a back up and you be with OM and keep telling yourself "we just talk nothing is wrong with that" Yeah you'll keep telling yourself this until your buttoning up your blouse after sex, but by then your husband will be a demonized boogie man who deserves it anyways through wayward spouse blame shifting.

Divorce. If you don't want him, then divorce.

A marriage is a union of 2 people, not 3.
 
#63 ·
That statement is spoken by a cheater that has no character. No an EA is not okay. It is NEVER okay. You either want to participate in a marriage or you don't. It is time for you to pick. All an EA does is take time and attention away from you spouse.

You talk about his lack of attention. What do you do to get his attention? Do you always wait for him to make the move? Also if he is unwilling to listen to your concerns then open his eyes by asking for MC or a divorce. Do not do it by having an EA. That just makes you scummy.
 
#69 ·
One more thing... I know you will probably say you wouldn't care or whatever, but humor me. If you learned today that your husband has been cheating on you with someone who shared similar interests, would you be ok with it? Now, this is assuming you have been faithful all this time, which we know is not the case now. But if the roles were reversed, I doubt you would be as calm talking about it the way you are now.

If you don't love your husband, get out of the marriage. If you do, even a very tiny bit, lose the affair partner... NOW!
 
#73 ·
i can't tell you that i know what a good marriage would even look like. the ones that look good end up falling to pieces. the ones that have lasted 60 years, to be around them, they snap at each other for the whole world to see. the ones that seem to be a good fit, are funny to hear when the wife goes, "big, dumb Fred...."
My marriages seem to be where I put in all the effort to keep them happy and **** my needs. I will tell you though I have warned all of them beforehand, " i am not marriage material". so why do i want to be married? I feel that the only reason to be married is if you are raising kids. I don't feel that I am not complete unless I have a mate. I do feel that having a companion you can share your life with is fulfilling though.
I can't help it I have more male friends than female, my brother and I were very close, and I am an independent and outspoken woman. Possibly rather intimidating for being so. But after feeling so isolated in the last marriage because i didn't want to hurt his feelings by talking to my other male friends of long standing, i said not ever again. they are my friends and I will not be giving them up. They are practically family, and maybe if you had as dysfunctional a family as i do, you would understand better why i feel this way.
 
#81 ·
i can't tell you that i know what a good marriage would even look like. the ones that look good end up falling to pieces. the ones that have lasted 60 years, to be around them, they snap at each other for the whole world to see. the ones that seem to be a good fit, are funny to hear when the wife goes, "big, dumb Fred...."
My marriages seem to be where I put in all the effort to keep them happy and **** my needs. I will tell you though I have warned all of them beforehand, " i am not marriage material". so why do i want to be married? I feel that the only reason to be married is if you are raising kids. I don't feel that I am not complete unless I have a mate. I do feel that having a companion you can share your life with is fulfilling though.
I can't help it I have more male friends than female, my brother and I were very close, and I am an independent and outspoken woman. Possibly rather intimidating for being so. But after feeling so isolated in the last marriage because i didn't want to hurt his feelings by talking to my other male friends of long standing, i said not ever again. they are my friends and I will not be giving them up. They are practically family, and maybe if you had as dysfunctional a family as i do, you would understand better why i feel this way.
And this is one reason why you are not marriage material.

You've given vows twice and they've never stuck huh?

ABOVE ALL OTHERS ring a bell?

Secondly you handle your problems with no maturity whatsoever, so with you having a two bombed marriage track record I'd probably say you're too immature to be married despite wanting to be.

Some people just aren't meant to be married. Not necessarily a bad thing, just is what it is.

Before you tune it out, listen. Maturity is gauged by how we handle and respond to our problems.

Its easy to go off the handle, get resentful and hold grudges and step out of the marriage, thats why maturity is so important.

Maturity is trying to fix the marriage at all costs and if unsuccessful, honorably leaving the marriage.

Many women have ended their marriages like this. It isn't working and they want out, so a respectful and agreed upon separation/divorce takes places. They also don't date anyone until the divorce is settled or both spouses agreed to se other people during the separation. That is mature.

Having problems and instead of doing the above and just saying "I told you so" and going out and having an affair is very immature, and something I'd expect from a high school kid to be honest.

You once haven't owned up to your affair. You're STILL trying to justify an affair with another man, and you don't even realize what that speaks of your character. :(
 
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