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Am I a chump or a d1ckhead. I need help either way.

53K views 251 replies 41 participants last post by  Mike11 
#1 · (Edited)
My wife left me on Friday and took all the kids with her (We have 4 children together, 18, 15 , 12 and 10) . Its been a while coming and we were on a cusp of fixing or failing, but she caught me putting a keylogger on her computer and decided that was the last straw.
Here is the background. We have been married 22 years and have been together for 3 years prior to that.

About 10 years ago she had an EA with a man, a divorcee who very fortunately didn’t reciprocate and take advantage so it never (as far as I know) developed into a PA. I was blind at the time and didn’t see the signs that were obvious in hindsight. We went to marriage counseling and reconciled. But still all the time she complained that I, all the time was controlling and she felt constrained. In many ways its true. She is very bad handling money and I keep her to a budget. (she manages her own accounts as she pleases but I only put the agreed budget into it).

Over 3 years ago I had to move to Canada to start a new job. She remained behind with the children for 18 months for her to complete a Masters degree she wanted to do. At this stage I trusted her enough to leave her to do it. After the being autonomous for 18 months (during which she also overspent the money I had left in the account under her full control) she again felt that I was over controlling when she came to join me in Canada 2 years ago. Within a year of coming here she again had an emotional affair. It lasted a couple of weeks and she (claims she) stopped it herself just as I was discovering it. I was much more aware . I found some of the facebook chat they had where she was disparaging me to the OM.

This pained me terribly as I had sacrificed much to have her stay and complete her degree while I moved across the Ocean, seeing her only 4 times in the 18 months. She used to be short sighted I agreed that she could have expensive Lasik surgery, and within a month of that she was into the EA. This was over a year ago. I felt very betrayed and I did become more of a jerk because of it. I trusted her less and she resented the fact that I was checking up on her. I had her Hotmail and facebook passwords but lately she has been becoming more and more insistent that spouses should have some spheres of privacy in a marriage. She treats that as if it is a basic axiom and the normal state of affairs that no sane person can contradict.

So she had been feeling more and more put upon and “controlled” and a colleague of hers (her boss in fact) put her onto the “landmark forum” and she attended a weekend seminar and subsequent evenings. I read up about Landmark and became more concerned and I didn’t want her to attend the advanced course. (about another $1000 that it would put us out of pocket.) Her job is part time and so here income is very low and I would have to stump the money for this and I refused.

She has also often stolen money from joint accounts behind my back when she thought I would not find out. When I did find out she said that I didn’t give her enough in the budget. Its what we agreed but she then claimed she was too scared of me to ask for more. Besides, the cash flow is marginal now anyway so there can’t be more available.
One of the consequences of the landmark seminars is that she was encouraged to open up about her past sins to people she has wronged in the past. One of the things I got was that she had another EA just 2 years into our marriage with a work colleage which progressed to kissing and cuddling in the basement (and out of sight) office where he worked. This was not volunteered to me but only revealed when in the midst of an argument about her most recent EA I asked if she had any other secret liasons that up to then I was not aware of.

This was rather shocking to me and of course I started to thing that I had been trickle trothed and their must be more. I have still insited on monitoring her e-mail, phone and facebook and she became even more adamant that that is an invasion of her privacy that no normal couples should do. I had asked her to write a confession or a timeline to help me get to the whole truth and help me believe that she wanted to now be honest and transparent. The reason I asked her to write it is because I thought it would be easier for her to do than to tell me face to face. This she refused to do. I checked one of her chat sessions and found out she had bounced this request off a friend who has just come out of a messy marriage and divorce. (the ex husband was a real control freak who refused her contact with her own family) The response from the well meaning friend was “NO NO NO NO NO, he just wants to use that confession against you and take it to his lawyers)

Using this information I asked her if she was talking about our problems to her friends. She said “no”. I asked if she was talking directly to this divorcee saying that she is not a good foil to talk to given her sad history and obvious biases, she again said “No!” An outright lie to me and I told her so.

Things have gone downhill from there and now she has left me since she found me putting a keylogger on her (shared with childrens) computer. I wanted to check on the children too. This to her was the last straw for her and she moved out on Friday while I was at work. She did it in a deceitful manner acting all warm and loving until she dropped me off at the office.

Am I a chump or have I driven her to this action by being too hard on her.

P.S. she may well find this post herself as she is aware that I have been reading TAM. Clumsy and careless of me leaving the computer open with this page up, just as I was clumsy with the keylogger. It seems her insistence on privacy does not limit her from looking at what I am doing on the computer.
 
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#204 ·
You are just now starting to see that this leach cares nothing for the hurt she cause.

You nuke her by replying with proof she stole, and had the EA.
Where did you marry ???

Strange you never mentioned the Prenup before.
Thats why she is doing it in Canada.
Still, even Canada should uphold it.
If not, I would resign and leave. Let her law dog waste her money filing useless papers trying to get you to come back.

You are only now starting to see. She wanted the passports to keep you from running with the kids, and to keep you near them, where she thinks she has the upperhand.

Does your lawyer know of the prenup ??

I can believe you didn't secure the money offshore.
 
#205 ·
Yes my lawyer has a copy of the antenuptual contract. There is not much cash available (about $ 15 000 ) but the problem is that their is a lot of money tied up in the equity of the house. That is possibly vulnerable to arbitrary court action but my antenuptual should ideally be able to protect it since it is in my name only and she deserted the "family home". We shall see how that plays out.

All this is happening while my mother is critically ill and she shows no sorrow or remorse. My mother is really the only one of my family who ever genuinely liked STBXW.
 
#207 · (Edited)
On the subject of the warning against images in particular, it occurs to me (and I hope I am not consciously guilty of trickle truthing TAM here) that STBXW and I engaged in live sex on webcam in some adult chatrooms. She participated with full consent. Some of these could very easily have been recorded, or snapshot still images recorded by any arbitrary third party. For these I cannot be held responsible for any further distribution on the internet or otherwise. I shall let my lawyer know about this ASAP so that her lawyer can inform her that there is really NO possible recourse to damages from me if any of that gets out now or in the future.
 
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#210 ·
Not unrelated, my Mom died 2 hours ago. She helped me so much just talking and supporting me in the days after STBXW abandoned me and shared my pain so much that, I can't help feeling, it precipitated or exacerbated her final illness.

I have reserved a special place in hell for STBXW.
 
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#216 ·
Thanks for the condolences. Did you know that there is not one condolence message from STBXW, and my mother was the one person on my side of the family that had any sympathy or genuine affection for her.
 
#218 ·
She does, and I am. Clarity is dawning. My poor children.
 
#220 · (Edited)
Her previous reaction to a but of public debate on facebook (getting her lawyer to threaten a defamation suit) shows her fear of taking the discussion public in front of her family. I have been mulling over writing an open letter to her (copying most of her family) detailing her past indiscretions, just as I have here. My sister is writing just such a letter, partly to counter the biassed information she is telling her own family. Is there merit or value in making such a debate public like this. Particularly as I strongly suspect she is involved in another affair right now (well I suppose since she has formally separated it is not an affair anymore)
 
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#223 ·
Neither, really, but some revenge for the way she is painting me to her family is probably underlying some of my motives. I want a balanced picture put out there and making her answer the questions publicly (or if not, just to have the questions about her behaviour become common knowledge) so she cannot paint herself as an innocent victims of an "abusive" husband as she is trying to do.
 
#222 ·
I find it amazing that she wasted money on a lawyer actually writing you that stupid useless warning.

It does show that your path her is the nuclear option. She made a horrible mistake in the way she reacted, because she revealed her greatest fear and weakness.

You should take full advantage of that and expose the affair. After all it is the reason why your marriage has ended and your family is braking up.

I can't help but think that one of the reasons she fear exposure is the blowback to the AP and to their relationship and damage it will cause.

my advice is to go nuclear and don't look back.
 
#225 · (Edited)
Well it wasn't elegant. My sister sent an open letter to all her friends e-mail addresses that we could find, exposing her former affairs and pilfering, etc much as I have done here. It, of course, provoked some vitriolic responses from those firmly in STBXW's camp, (and some cheers from those in mine) and a couple of more neutral ones.
 
#227 ·
I really like your sister.

But one thing is very clear here. You have the answers to the title of your thread.
You are not being a big enough d1ckhead imho.

But enough about her. How are you holding up man ??
My Mom had her leg amputated above her knee the other day,and I'm a wreck.
So I can't begin to imagine how you are feeling losing your Mom.

But just know, you are in our Prayers.

And Give that sister a BIG kiss from us here.
 
#228 · (Edited)
Yesterday was a bad day again, for my depression. Dealing with STBXW and lawyers for the interim arrangements (Divorce takes a year) so some court ordered interim payment is made. I feel like I have been screwed over, but with basically one concession achieved, and that is STBXW will not expect me to pay for the House in Ireland. Otherwise I have paid her $10 000 in resettlement expenses and have to fork over $1600 a month for child and spousal support.

This, of course does not change the fact that as far as the Irish bank is concerned, I am joint mortgage holder and we are jointly and severally liable for that mortgage whatever agreement we have here.

I am not sure now whether it is a good idea to now rock the boat and let the bank know that I am no longer going to contribute to the mortgage repayment. The consequence of that is that STBXW could not right now qualify to hold that mortgage on her own, and thus the bank would move to sell the property and recover what they can or she could rope some sucker (her father or her brother come to mind) to take over the liability of the mortgage. She does want to keep that house but I know its a financial millstone that I am well rid of. Maybe the bank won't care if the money keeps coming in but it does put STBXW under pressure. I also have a reducing ballance life policy on that mortgage which I want to extract myself from. (I wouldn't want STBXW to benefit from my possible demise in any way).

The open letter and facebook exposure certainly put the wind up her but the consequence is that it has now become part of the interim agreement that I will not further denigrate her on social media. Oh well, I have said my piece there already.
 
#229 ·
Hey D, it sure must be NICE to have a SISTER on Facebook. She can post WHATEVER she wants.

As to the bk in Ireland, you need to move on that. I know over here removing yourself is hard.
My threat to just stop paying ALWAYS work in the end.
Just make sure to get everything they agree to in writing. That way they can't come back if she default. Banks and cc try that if you don't. Especially if foreclosed. They try to make you pay if it sold for less than the mortg amount.
 
#230 ·
Bad day again. Eldest son (18) , who stays with me for the moment is vacillating about whether to move in with his mother or stay with me. He has been very emotional and prickly (sensitive) lately and I took him to task about something he revealed to his mother at a bad time in a phone call and he thinks he will be less under pressure to avoid conflict if he stays with his mother. We had a bit of a fight yesterday and he threatened to move out to his mother's apartment. I basically told him to do it if he wants and it will actually free me of the burden of feeding and clothing him.

I have made my option to move out of Canada known and he wants to stay and definitely doesn't want to go to South Africa. He has a lot of legal status problems with ability to work or study in Canada and at the moment doesn't qualify to be on the health system. If he moves in with his mother she will have to pay for private health insurance etc because I will not. (its not in the agreement).
 
#231 ·
Something has lifted my spirits just now. I have just been called by a recruiter. (Hey linked-in is useful guys, and a recruiting call is a long long way from a job offer but I feel good as I know many of the people who work there personally). There is a job going in the USA (Georgia) and it couldn't have come at a better time. This gives me a focus and direction for the moment. I also think it is a place that #1 son actually might be happy to go to if I can swing a visa for him (I need to find out more about adult dependants and work visas in the US.)
 
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#234 ·
The brain/mind doesn't stop developing until around age 25. Legally, he's an adult. Mentally, he's still a kid wanting to please his dad and mom and scared as hell.

Not trying to dis you, I know you mean well and you're in a bad spot. Just pointing it out, as you seem to have a bunch of kids rotating around y'all's situation. But good for apologizing. :)
 
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