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Am I a chump or a d1ckhead. I need help either way.

53K views 251 replies 41 participants last post by  Mike11 
#1 · (Edited)
My wife left me on Friday and took all the kids with her (We have 4 children together, 18, 15 , 12 and 10) . Its been a while coming and we were on a cusp of fixing or failing, but she caught me putting a keylogger on her computer and decided that was the last straw.
Here is the background. We have been married 22 years and have been together for 3 years prior to that.

About 10 years ago she had an EA with a man, a divorcee who very fortunately didn’t reciprocate and take advantage so it never (as far as I know) developed into a PA. I was blind at the time and didn’t see the signs that were obvious in hindsight. We went to marriage counseling and reconciled. But still all the time she complained that I, all the time was controlling and she felt constrained. In many ways its true. She is very bad handling money and I keep her to a budget. (she manages her own accounts as she pleases but I only put the agreed budget into it).

Over 3 years ago I had to move to Canada to start a new job. She remained behind with the children for 18 months for her to complete a Masters degree she wanted to do. At this stage I trusted her enough to leave her to do it. After the being autonomous for 18 months (during which she also overspent the money I had left in the account under her full control) she again felt that I was over controlling when she came to join me in Canada 2 years ago. Within a year of coming here she again had an emotional affair. It lasted a couple of weeks and she (claims she) stopped it herself just as I was discovering it. I was much more aware . I found some of the facebook chat they had where she was disparaging me to the OM.

This pained me terribly as I had sacrificed much to have her stay and complete her degree while I moved across the Ocean, seeing her only 4 times in the 18 months. She used to be short sighted I agreed that she could have expensive Lasik surgery, and within a month of that she was into the EA. This was over a year ago. I felt very betrayed and I did become more of a jerk because of it. I trusted her less and she resented the fact that I was checking up on her. I had her Hotmail and facebook passwords but lately she has been becoming more and more insistent that spouses should have some spheres of privacy in a marriage. She treats that as if it is a basic axiom and the normal state of affairs that no sane person can contradict.

So she had been feeling more and more put upon and “controlled” and a colleague of hers (her boss in fact) put her onto the “landmark forum” and she attended a weekend seminar and subsequent evenings. I read up about Landmark and became more concerned and I didn’t want her to attend the advanced course. (about another $1000 that it would put us out of pocket.) Her job is part time and so here income is very low and I would have to stump the money for this and I refused.

She has also often stolen money from joint accounts behind my back when she thought I would not find out. When I did find out she said that I didn’t give her enough in the budget. Its what we agreed but she then claimed she was too scared of me to ask for more. Besides, the cash flow is marginal now anyway so there can’t be more available.
One of the consequences of the landmark seminars is that she was encouraged to open up about her past sins to people she has wronged in the past. One of the things I got was that she had another EA just 2 years into our marriage with a work colleage which progressed to kissing and cuddling in the basement (and out of sight) office where he worked. This was not volunteered to me but only revealed when in the midst of an argument about her most recent EA I asked if she had any other secret liasons that up to then I was not aware of.

This was rather shocking to me and of course I started to thing that I had been trickle trothed and their must be more. I have still insited on monitoring her e-mail, phone and facebook and she became even more adamant that that is an invasion of her privacy that no normal couples should do. I had asked her to write a confession or a timeline to help me get to the whole truth and help me believe that she wanted to now be honest and transparent. The reason I asked her to write it is because I thought it would be easier for her to do than to tell me face to face. This she refused to do. I checked one of her chat sessions and found out she had bounced this request off a friend who has just come out of a messy marriage and divorce. (the ex husband was a real control freak who refused her contact with her own family) The response from the well meaning friend was “NO NO NO NO NO, he just wants to use that confession against you and take it to his lawyers)

Using this information I asked her if she was talking about our problems to her friends. She said “no”. I asked if she was talking directly to this divorcee saying that she is not a good foil to talk to given her sad history and obvious biases, she again said “No!” An outright lie to me and I told her so.

Things have gone downhill from there and now she has left me since she found me putting a keylogger on her (shared with childrens) computer. I wanted to check on the children too. This to her was the last straw for her and she moved out on Friday while I was at work. She did it in a deceitful manner acting all warm and loving until she dropped me off at the office.

Am I a chump or have I driven her to this action by being too hard on her.

P.S. she may well find this post herself as she is aware that I have been reading TAM. Clumsy and careless of me leaving the computer open with this page up, just as I was clumsy with the keylogger. It seems her insistence on privacy does not limit her from looking at what I am doing on the computer.
 
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#236 · (Edited)
Another day to reflect on the inevitable. Most of her stuff is gone. Mostly books. She had a ton of books about 15 boxes full and the house looks empty without them. I had to deal with her over what kitchen stuff I keep. She took all the children's toys, which is OK since they have grown out of them by now (lego, playmobile etc.) and less to clutter my house.

Interesting that she is spending money hand over fist. We have to see how that lasts. having paid her $10 000 (deductable from final settlement anyway on the advice of my lawyer to entice her from trying to establish herself in my house and forcing me to leave) she is now spending it. A new car, she has rented an apartment and no doubt she needs more furniture. I always like her with long hair and now that she has moved out she has had her hair cut quite short. I suppose that is a statement of intent on her part, (but I took the trouble to tell her it looks nice). Looking at her in the new light of no longer feeling any affection for her (or not too much), she does not look so good to me anymore. she was in her mom jeans and they really do make her arse look fat.
 
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#237 ·
Well now I can say I am moving on. I have met someone new and the relationship is moving at a fast pace; maybe too fast, since I realise (as does she) that it is a classic rebound situation. However it does me good to invest emotional energy in a new relationship rather than pine about the past.
 
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#239 ·
Well two steps forward and one step back. Eldest son (18 for those who haven't followed all the way) has decided to move out and in with his mother. Its been quite strained for a while and of course he has divided loyalties, but it was becoming difficult living with his sullen mood (while mine is improving all the time) and reluctance to talk about things all the time. The catalyst came about when I quizzed him on how his studies were progressing and he claimed to be unmotivated and being depressed in this house. He claimed he could study better at his mother's (with my two youngest, 10 and 12, there all the time that is not likely) but I took him at his word and told him to move out straight away rather than carry on threatening to (as he had been doing for the past month). Perhaps he was also reacting badly to the fact that I have a new girlfriend and moving on.

Anyway I now have an empty house where I can entertain my girlfriend(s) without worrying about being in your face about it to my children.

On a lighter note, the first thing STBXW asks when I drop him off with his stuff, is "Where is his bed".
 
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#241 ·
Not bad at all OW, Divorce proceeding and a lot has happened. I still have some issues with the kids education and I am pushing both for shared custody (which appears to be what normally happens ) and for the youngest two kids to attend regular school. (She is homeschooling them and not registering them with the school board in any way)

She must be running out of money (or maybe her brother's sponsorship of her legal fees is ending) since I have received a message that she is now prepared to engage in mediation rather than continue to do everything through the lawyers.

On the personal side my psychologist steered me into getting checked out for depression or ADHD. I have now discovered I really am ADHD, which I am starting to treat. So this crisis did precipitate me taking action to sort myself out.

The relationship with the new girlfriend is progressing well (meeting her family next week actually) and its quite interesting for me to compare how a person who really cares for me treats me. Its quite a contrast. My STBXW's never included me in her social life with her toxic sisterhood friends, whereas my girlfriend is only too pleased to introduce me to her friends and include me in her social life, and give me priority in her life.
 
#243 ·
I am sorry to hear about your mother. I present my sincere condolences to you and your family.

Re my ADHD I am trying out the drug CONCERTA (similar to Ritalin but slow release to make effects last longer) and interestingly I read that amongst other things it stimulates the generation of dopamine in the brain. I have heard so much about dopamine on TAM and it seems too little of it is also a problem of sorts.
 
#248 ·
Time for an interesting update. I don't quite know how this will play out but it certainly puts the cat among the pigeons.

You all know I am in Canada on a (temporary) work permit so all the status and benefits for my cohabiting spouse and dependants devolve from my work permit, so their status is entirely dependant on my status and they have no independant elegebility to them. The one thing that is not immediately affected is STBXW's right to reside and to work in Canada which can continue until the expiration date of her permit.

I assume she felt comfortable and complacent in this knowledge and, in her bid to control her own and the childrens affair got all her post forwarded to her new address and notified various institutions of her change of address.

Now it transpires that the provicial medical insurance scheme queried this change of address with me. After clarifying the situation they proceeded to inform me that due to the separation, both my STBXW and children (if they live mostly with her and have her address as their residence) are then no longer elegible for medical coverage under the government scheme. It appears that the fall out from that is they also will no longer be elegible to my extra group private insurance provided by my employer as well as it is contingent on their elegibility to the government cover. So now STBXW and children have no medical insurance whatsoever and the children can only get it back if they physically live under my roof and have my address as their address.

My lawyer is on the case but it is dissappointing that none of our respective lawyers were aware of this complication. I hope this becomes leverage for me to get effective custody of all our children (and not be ordered to buy separate private medical cover which none of us can afford). They do say the interests of the children are paramount to the judges so this could help here.
 
#252 ·
As soon as you told here that you are on a WP and divorcing I kinda guessed she is going to get it sooner or later, I originally thought that if you are divorcing while on WP the Accompanying spouse ( the one not originally requesting the WP) must leave the country, it seems that immigration is cracking down hard on these lately and I heard many were forced to leave as for suspicion of false requests for means to stay in the country

Serve her right if she get hit by the Karma Bus
 
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