It is what it is
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 10-23-2012, 12:25 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default It is what it is

My wife has recently returned from an (unsuccessful) visit with her EAP. Although she claims they behaved themselves during this visit, and she is now done with this, I still have many reservations about how things will go from here on out.

She is going to her first counseling appointment today, and I am concerned that it will do harm rather than good. She will get to tell her side of the story to our counselor, who has already heard mine. When she returns, who knows what she will have to say about how it went. I have so many doubts about how this all might go, it's tearing me up inside.

I faithfully executed the 180 for several days after she returned, and then she started wanting to have hugs, and I guess some of you would call me a wuss, because I gave in. I love her so much, and want our R to work. So I don't want to throw obstacles in the way of that. For us to reconcile, we have to regain the intimacy I withheld from her for most of our marriage.

If I had to tender a question here for advice, I guess it would be; how far should you go, how much do you feel you should give to make R really work? If I were a complete harda$$, would it ever serve to draw us back together?

What she has given: Her agreement that the A is over, her willingness to engage in counseling, and ending our separation, which she requested initally. And her willingness to be physically close, which she had completely shut down during the period of our separation.
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Old 10-23-2012, 12:31 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: It is what it is

Why is your wife meeting up with her AP? What part of No Contact doesn't she understand?

Lose the fear, buddy. Stop fearing. If things don't work out with her, move on. Life is too short to be chasing/pining/caring about someone who doesn't treat you with loving respect and commitment.

Last edited by Jellybeans; 10-23-2012 at 12:35 PM.
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Old 10-23-2012, 12:36 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: It is what it is

I'm just a little confused about why she would be visiting/seeing/talking to her AP.

That would never have been tolerated by my husband. The OM sent a text to me out of the blue after several months and I thought my husband was going to lose his mind! I can't imagine calmly telling him that we were going out to lunch. After he finished leveling the house, I think he'd level the AP and anyone else in his path.

You may not want to throw obstacles in the path but she does - the OM 'is' an obstacle that she firmly planted there.

Mark my words, she is testing to see if she can have both you and him.
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Old 10-23-2012, 12:41 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: It is what it is

If your W is remorseful about her EA, why did she meet up with him?

I hope you both manage to sort things out, OP, but it's your W who should be afraid here, and it is she who should be doing everything in her power to make amends to you and restore your trust in her.

My only suggestion is to continue with the MC and see where that takes you.
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Old 10-23-2012, 12:48 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: It is what it is

Hi bobka,
Did you wife sent a NC email? Did she agreed to transparence? Is she willing to talk about the affiar, amswer your questions? Is she defiant or remorseful?
Quote:
And her willingness to be physically close, which she had completely shut down during the period of our separation.
The shutting down was because she was faithful to OM. Seems OM wans't what she expected. If she agrees to R then sexual intimathy/physical touch back to the table is a no brainer. Wasn't "it" the main reason she gave for this?

180 is for you to detach from your abuser, to focus on you, in your healing, your own improvement. If she agrees the rules/conditions you put and seems to match her wors with actions then 180 ends and you put yourself in reconciliation mode. It means complete honesty on both parts, emotional transparence.
She has to reach the conclusion the affair was wrong. No excuses, not shifting the blame. She has to help you to get past the pain the betrayal cause you.
Beyond that the old marriage is dead, a new one needs to be built. It requires to entire, 100 % participation.
It's specially truth in your case. Your short comings and lack of investiment caused her unhappines, lots of pains. It's not rewritting the story. It's a proven fact you admit. You own it and you correct it. You are going to strugle with this "rewarding/punishment" thing for a while.
My ideas on this is if your wife asume the 100 % of her affair as a wrong decision and help you to heal then you must decide to put 100 % in the marriage wish shockingly also means you need to step out into self improvement.

Best wishes.
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Old 10-23-2012, 12:48 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: It is what it is

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Originally Posted by Cosmos View Post
If your W is remorseful about her EA, why did she meet up with him?

I hope you both manage to sort things out, OP, but it's your W who should be afraid here, and it is she who should be doing everything in her power to make amends to you and restore your trust in her.

My only suggestion is to continue with the MC and see where that takes you.
This visit was the end of the A. This was D-Day, as it were.
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Old 10-23-2012, 12:54 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: It is what it is

You said she "recently" returned from a visit with him?

Did she travel to see him? Did she stay with him???
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Old 10-23-2012, 12:55 PM   #8 (permalink)
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So she just found out that the grass wasn't greener and you are ready to take her back immediately ? Why are you sure that she will stop looking ?

Tell her that you are going to do the same and if you don't find anyone better by the end of next month, you will reconcile with her. (Don't do it though. You need to let her feel what it is to be a backup option)
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Old 10-23-2012, 12:56 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
I faithfully executed the 180 for several days after she returned, and then she started wanting to have hugs, and I guess some of you would call me a wuss, because I gave in. I love her so much, and want our R to work. So I don't want to throw obstacles in the way of that.
Short term vs long term. You went for the temporary less painful option

The 180 is called as such because it goes against your intuition. If it takes just a few hugs to get you back, she might not value what she might lose so much
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Old 10-23-2012, 12:57 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Acabado View Post
Hi bobka,
Did you wife sent a NC email? Did she agreed to transparence? Is she willing to talk about the affiar, amswer your questions? Is she defiant or remorseful?
The shutting down was because she was faithful to OM. Seems OM wans't what she expected. If she agrees to R then sexual intimathy/physical touch back to the table is a no brainer. Wasn't "it" the main reason she gave for this?

OM wasn't what she expected, and the situation wasn't what she expected.

180 is for you to detach from your abuser, to focus on you, in your healing, your own improvement. If she agrees the rules/conditions you put and seems to match her wors with actions then 180 ends and you put yourself in reconciliation mode. It means complete honesty on both parts, emotional transparence.
She has to reach the conclusion the affair was wrong. No excuses, not shifting the blame. She has to help you to get past the pain the betrayal cause you.

There is no blaming at this point, but she does feel that she had to make this trip to find out how she felt.

Beyond that the old marriage is dead, a new one needs to be built. It requires to entire, 100 % participation.
It's specially truth in your case. Your short comings and lack of investiment caused her unhappines, lots of pains. It's not rewritting the story. It's a proven fact you admit. You own it and you correct it. You are going to strugle with this "rewarding/punishment" thing for a while.

I know this, and also know that I have a lot of hard work ahead, as does she.

My ideas on this is if your wife asume the 100 % of her affair as a wrong decision and help you to heal then you must decide to put 100 % in the marriage wish shockingly also means you need to step out into self improvement.

The self-improvement phase has begun. It is going to be hard to reverse 16 years of neglect, and there are those who may say that this is impossible, but I believe that love conquers all. I know that I am hopelessly romantic. If this is a fault, I will have to live with it.

Best wishes.
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Old 10-23-2012, 12:58 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jellybeans View Post
You said she "recently" returned from a visit with him?

Did she travel to see him? Did she stay with him???
She did travel to see him. She did not stay with him.
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Old 10-23-2012, 12:59 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
OM wasn't what she expected, and the situation wasn't what she expected.
What do you mean by that ? Did she give you the details /
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Old 10-23-2012, 01:04 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Acabado View Post
The shutting down was because she was faithful to OM. Seems OM wans't what she expected. If she agrees to R then sexual intimathy/physical touch back to the table is a no brainer. Wasn't "it" the main reason she gave for this?
It was the main reason that she felt that the marriage didn't work for her, but it was not the main reason for an EA. She needed to feel attractive again, etc. That this man was not right for her is the result of the visit. You have to understand that she has morals to some degree, and did not do this to compensate for no sex. She did this, as folks here have said, to see if the grass was greener elsewhere, in another relationship. That did not necessarily have to include sex.
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Old 10-23-2012, 01:06 PM   #14 (permalink)
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What do you mean by that ? Did she give you the details /
She did give me the details, and I can see that there's no hope for them, as she also sees.
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Old 10-23-2012, 01:07 PM   #15 (permalink)
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So she will be on the lookout for greener gras elsewhere from now on?
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My story, part 1: Eight months past D-day Part 2: Ten months, W's lack of remorse? Part 3: Divorce or...?
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