I am the WS who needs help advice on proving trust re fall in love please read
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 10-23-2012, 02:07 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I am the WS who needs help advice on proving trust re fall in love please read

Sorry you are feeling so down and upset, calm down a bit write it out again as there are very knowledgable people on this forum who can help you.
I hope u don't mind me telling u my story as short as I can make it
My husband call him john adopted my two kids from a previous marriage my ex husband call him dave was in prison at the time (father of the kids and ex husband we married youn I got pregnant married him at 16 he was 18). Dave got out and a year later contacted me to find out how our oldest son (no longer legally his as john adopted them)) was doing because that son call him ben secretly facebooked him. We proceeds to talk text only as he wa 26 hours away for three months behind johns back..


John two years prior had been battling pain killer addiction after a shoulder injury ( finally after this started going to a doctor and now on medication to treat that addiction) and before this pain killer problem was never an addict didn't use anything not even drink was during addiction and before a very hard worker good provider and amazing person.
For those two years he was verbally mean to me very disconnected and hardly no intimacy. I didnt know for 18 months it had anything to do with an addiction. We have the two kids from my previous marrige he had adopted then we (John and i) had two of our own. So four children total. Be fore we got married john and his ex girlfriend whom he had no kids with she told me they had sex and he admitted she had come to his work but didn't tell me cause I would think he cheated but claimed she lied about sex this is second time before we married he said this ,that was 2003 after living together 3 years. Although I don't fully believe him I let it go.

So after john found the texts of me and Dave he with our confronting me with it took his mom and sister
Went to a lawyer filed and took off with kids to an out of state relative then asked me to come see him I did, then Told his mom I followed him there.. Due to his addiction we didn't know about he lied for two years about me and his family said horrible things about me etc to keep me and them apart.

He then started texting calling this ex behind my back a month after finding out about me in march this year and dave texting talking. I found phone records. i called her she said they met at lake he took our two kids even. Then they met again alone for pain meds and said he had lied and told her we didn't live together etc. ok so I have NC with Dave but John said my betrayal with my ex is worse because of the history and he is hurt worse because he didn't do anything with his ex and not were his intentions to be with her it was just get me back.I say the same dave was five states away and we only texted talked but I am suppose to believe john while he continues to feel lhow can he ever know I am really being honest (I could say same to him) and says he knows he was mean and selfish with addiction but never had gone to a woman to talk. He looks at me different but says he wants to be here and with me and feels like he has been forced to feel unimportant and I robbed him of that. I cry a lot To him and say why can't we just be like before if we both want that I am willing and have forgiven. He was an absent husband emotionally an physically for those two years before i ever talked to dave and even after as he only started treatment in august.

me and my ex Dave (for three months nov 2011-feb 2012 had what I call the EA ) i had stopped talking to dave for a month before John found phone records). dave did say he wanted me still always will while I told Dave that John and me were havig problems but if he could be his real self (John ) he is all I have ever wanted and i didnt want to be with Dave but had conversations about what could have been had he never turned into a NA person am went to prison he did I always said things happen for a reason am John makes me happier more than anyone has when sober and normal. Any advice on how I can or things I can do or say to prove I am trustworthy ? I want him to look at me like before. Sorry so long just hoping no matter how harsh y'all have advice on trusting or earning trust. He has access to phone my fb all of it.

Last edited by regretfullyhis; 10-23-2012 at 04:54 PM.
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Old 10-23-2012, 02:15 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am the WS who needs help advice on proving trust re fall in love please read

Can you re-edit your post. It is very hard to read now. You are obviously in a lot of pain but if people cannot understand your post, they cannot help you
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Old 10-23-2012, 02:26 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am the WS who needs help advice on proving trust re fall in love please read

Xx

Last edited by regretfullyhis; 10-23-2012 at 04:52 PM.
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Old 10-23-2012, 02:31 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Can you re-edit your post. It is very hard to read now. You are obviously in a lot of pain but if people cannot understand your post, they cannot help you
Just did an can u post a link to where I can read your story I am trying to find advice and see if I can get anything from this site if u don't mind I need men's point of views to how they have dealt with wives doing this mine was EA not PA
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Old 10-23-2012, 02:36 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am the WS who needs help advice on proving trust re fall in love please read

While I til my ex husband that me and current husband were having problems I only wanted my husband if he could get well and be the sober man I married
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Old 10-23-2012, 02:38 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am the WS who needs help advice on proving trust re fall in love please read

Just going to let you know.
I am rather in your face in my post.

Quote:
Originally Posted by regretfullyhis View Post
I hope u don't mind me telling u my story as short as I can make it as u seem very knowledgable
My husband adopted my two kids from a previous marriage my ex was in prison at the time (father of the kids and ex husband). He (ex husband) got out and a year later contacted me to find out how our oldest son (no longer legally his as my current husband adopted them)) was doing because that son secretly facebooked him. We proceeds to talk text only as he wa 26 hours away for two months behind my husbands back .
And you thought this man would be a good biological father for the children you would bear?

Quote:
My husband for two years prior had been battling pain killer addiction ( finally after this started going to a doctor and now on medication to treat that addiction)
Why can't you find a male, that:
Hasn't been to prison
Doesn't have an addiction?

I mean, really? What is the appeal?
I hate to think who your ex's are...

Quote:
For those two years he was verbally mean to me very disconnected and hardly no intimacy. I don't know for 18 months it had anything to do with an addiction. We have the two kids from previous marrige he had adopted then we (current husband and i) had two of our own. Be fore we got married (current husband) and his ex girlfriend whom he had no kids with told me they had sex and he admitted she had come to his work but didn't tell me cause I would think he cheated that was 2003 after living together 3 years. Although I don't fully believe him I let it go. So after he found the texts of me and my ex husabdn he with our confronting me with his mom and sister
So you got...4 kids now? Or just 2? Kinda confusing.

Also, wow.
All I can say about that is:
"I am sorry your decision to date a bad boy resulted in you being treated badly by a boy."

Quote:
Went to a lawyer filed and took off with kids to an out of state relative asked me to come see him I did then Told his mom I followed him there.. Due to his addiction we didn't know about he lied for two years about me and his family said horrible things about me etc to keep me and them apart. He then started texting calling this ex behind my back a month after finding out about me in march this year and my ex husband texting talking. I found phone records called her she said they met at lake he took our two kids even. Then met again alone for pain meds and said he had lied told her we didn't live together etc. ok so I have NC with the ex husband but my husband said my betrayal with my ex is worse because of the history and he is hurt worse because he didn't do anything with his ex not were his intentions to be with her just get me back.I say the same my ex was five states away and we only texted talked but I am suppose to believe my husband while he continues to feel like how can he ever know I am really being honest (I could say same to him) and says he knows he was mean and selfish with addiction but never had gone to a woman to talk. He looks at me different but says he wants to be here and with me and feels like he has been forced to feel unimportant and I robbed him of that. I cry a lot I him an say why can't we just be like before if we both want tht I am willing and have forgiven. He was an absent husband emotionally an physically for those two years before i ever talked to ex and even after a he inly started treatment in august me and my ex talked (for three months nov 2011-feb 2012 ) i had stopped talking to my ex husband for a month before my current husband found phone records) my ex husband he did say he wanted me still always will while I told my husband and me were havig problems but if he could be his real self (my husband) he is all I have ever wanted and i didnt want to be with the ex husband. Any advice on how I can or things I can do or say to prove I am trustworthy ? I want him to look at me like before. Sorry so long just hoping u and your spouse could shed some light
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You don't like line breaks do you?

So, you want your husband, that was, and maybe still is, an addict, back in your life?
And did you get with your ex?

Maybe you should get your life together.
As in:
Take care of your kids first!
Figure out what type of men make a good father, role model, and mate. Otherwise, you will repeat your past.

And stop dating men that are either addicts or former inmates! I got a coworker who spent a year in prison for substance abuse. You wanna get with him? Best of both worlds, addict and former inmate!

Because right now, your life is in shambles, and your kids are the ones that will feel it the most.
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Old 10-23-2012, 02:40 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am the WS who needs help advice on proving trust re fall in love please read

Quote:
Originally Posted by regretfullyhis View Post
Just did an can u post a link to where I can read your story I am trying to find advice and see if I can get anything from this site if u don't mind I need men's point of views to how they have dealt with wives doing this mine was EA not PA
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WEll, Calvin dealt with that didn't he? Still trying to get all the guys straights.

But Calvin also doesn't strike me as a guy that was addicted to pain killers.

You should probably worry more about your choice in men than how to fix a broken relationship.
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Old 10-23-2012, 02:43 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am the WS who needs help advice on proving trust re fall in love please read

Okay first of all I was 16 when I got married and my first husband went to prison doing things I didnt know about that's why I divorced him. Secondly my current husband had a shoulder injury two years prior and that is when his addiction started and I didn't know he was still taking them or it had gotten to an addiction point as I wasn't snooping
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Last edited by regretfullyhis; 10-23-2012 at 02:54 PM.
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Old 10-23-2012, 02:47 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Broken at 20 View Post
Just going to let you know.
I am rather in your face in my post.


And you thought this man would be a good biological father for the children you would bear?



Why can't you find a male, that:
Hasn't been to prison
Doesn't have an addiction?

I mean, really? What is the appeal?
I hate to think who your ex's are...



So you got...4 kids now? Or just 2? Kinda confusing.

Also, wow.
All I can say about that is:
"I am sorry your decision to date a bad boy resulted in you being treated badly by a boy."



You don't like line breaks do you?

So, you want your husband, that was, and maybe still is, an addict, back in your life?
And did you get with your ex?

Maybe you should get your life together.
As in:
Take care of your kids first!
Figure out what type of men make a good father, role model, and mate. Otherwise, you will repeat your past.

And stop dating men that are either addicts or former inmates! I got a coworker who spent a year in prison for substance abuse. You wanna get with him? Best of both worlds, addict and former inmate!

Because right now, your life is in shambles, and your kids are the ones that will feel it the most.

My kids were not in the know of any issues my husband like I said had an injury and wasn't just lying in bed on pain killers
My children are loved and we don't fight in front of them even when he took them out of town we told them it was because I needed to stay here and work.
He is a college educated hard working man my husband and yes I married the first one young because I got pregnant. I own my own business and am able to stay home with my children. I did make a better choice by marrying my current husband, people make mistakes but those mistakes don't erase the good they were before. This is the only issue current husband has had. Maybe this is wrong website to try to get advice from. Sorry.
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Old 10-23-2012, 02:53 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am the WS who needs help advice on proving trust re fall in love please read

Well, let me ask you this.

Do you see yourself wanting to live out a long and happy life with this man? Think when you two are in your 60's, and your kids are grown. Looking back, will you be happy and know you lived a full life? Or will you have some regrets?

Do you think this man has the same goals and dreams as you do?
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Old 10-23-2012, 02:56 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am the WS who needs help advice on proving trust re fall in love please read

Hi RH, one of the problems is your post is a wall of text which makes it difficult to read and therefore hard for people to advise you.

I don't want to turn this into a writing lesson because I could certainly use some advice in that department. Use paragraphs and full stops a bit more.

Perhaps part of the problem is that you are writing (understandably) while very upset. Try to take a deep breath and write again, perhaps spreading the story across several posts.

Sorry you are feeling so down and upset, calm down a bit write it out again as there are very knowledgable people on this forum who can help you.
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Old 10-23-2012, 02:59 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Yes my husband now he has always had the goals and motivation the same as me hell more so than me. He made me a better person when I met him He turned my life completely around. His Christian influence, accepting my first two children as his own and his career goals were way more than I had envisioned. We want the same things in life. I just don't want my actions, like I said he did dirt too but sad mine hurt more because he had tried for so long to help me get away from the ex (which I should never had talked to I know) that had it been anyone else it wouldn't hurt so bad. I say to him well u talking to ur ex gf a month after finding out about me hurts too but I have given access to fb my phone I never have locked he can look at phone records etc I show affection but want him to show me more affection want me intimately more and he says every day he thinks about what I did but I don't every day think about why he did I just need advice on how to make the BS feel and prove myself
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Old 10-23-2012, 03:00 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Hi RH, one of the problems is your post is a wall of text which makes it difficult to read and therefore hard for people to advise you.

I don't want to turn this into a writing lesson because I could certainly use some advice in that department. Use paragraphs and full stops a bit more.

Perhaps part of the problem is that you are writing (understandably) while very upset. Try to take a deep breath and write again, perhaps spreading the story across several posts.

Sorry you are feeling so down and upset, calm down a bit write it out again as there are very knowledgable people on this forum who can help you.

Ok should I start a new thread ?
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Old 10-23-2012, 03:00 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Ok should I start a new thread ?
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I am in an I phone too and am upset I will repost here and make new thread
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Old 10-23-2012, 03:07 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am the WS who needs help advice on proving trust re fall in love please read

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I am in an I phone too and am upset I will repost here and make new thread
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I don't think you necessarily need a new thread just calm down and write again in smaller chunks.
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