10-24-2012, 10:01 AM
Join Date: Aug 2012
| | Midlife Crisis - Does it ever end?
Without boring you with too many details, I'll just say that my 14 year long marriage ended last year when I began to suspect that my H was having an affair with an old college GF who he started communicating with via Facebook. I repeatedly asked him if he was indeed having an affair, he repeatedly denied it. I would try to accept the answer he gave me, because I didn't want to believe that my husband would lie to me.... but I kept gathering evidence and when I was pretty certain he was full of sh*t, I filed for divorce. He acted shocked that I did so, and even though I still tried to salvage our marriage for several months, continued to deny and lie. I hadn't been happy in the marriage for many years, but was trying to keep it together for the sake of my special needs daughter... I didn't want her to have divorced parents.
He didn't respond when I filed, he drug the divorce process out for over a year. Didn't seem to want to have to make the decision or move things along, and I was tired of living with a man who was clearly checked out of the marriage and our family and pretty much having the affair under my nose. Then, when the judge said she wouldn't grant the divorce until we were living separately, he up and quit his job with no notice, moved out of our house and in with the college GF, in his hometown five hours away. Later found out that the affair broke up her marriage as well, and then even later found out he'd had another affair with a high school friend, that also broke up her marriage.
When I started researching midlife crisis, I realized that was indeed what we were dealing with. This all started a few months before his 50th birthday. Needing to understand what happened, I've asked him a few times why he didn't want to be with me. The two answers I have received so far is that I'm controlling and condescending. We all have faults, and I own that these two are two of mine.... but I'm okay with this. It beats being a liar, cheater, and breaking up three marriages in the process.
He has rewritten history to support his decision to cheat, and that hurts. He's moved five hours away from our daughter and rarely sees her. I'm doing my best to rebuild my life and keep things as normal as possible for our daughter.
I really am okay with the fact that I'm no longer married to him, the silver lining is that I now have the opportunity to find a man better suited for me. I've been dating and getting out there. However, the fact that my ex has rewritten history to support his decision to cheat and then move just hurts. He told a few of our mutual friends that I had cheated, in order to justify what he did. I did NOT cheat on him, and our friends know that, which is why they are still my friends and have nothing to do with him anymore. I think he really believes the stories he's invented, I think its the only way he can live with what he's done.
My question is... will he ever come to terms with what's really happened? He's living quite the life with his GF, has a whole new life that doesn't include any responsibility for our daughter except court-ordered child support. Sometimes the unfairness of it all feels like it will swallow me whole. I do not love him anymore, he managed to kill all of that during the process, but it still hurts so much. I, on the other hand, was laid off from my job shortly before the divorce was finalized, and have had a hell of a time trying to secure employment, am taking care of our daughter alone, etc. I have little time to date as a result. I realize its sounds extremely self-serving, and I know that life is not fair, but WTF?
If you've been through a similar situation, I would appreciate your feedback. Thanks.