Divorcing my cheating wife but I can't stop the mental movies!
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 10-24-2012, 04:25 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Divorcing my cheating wife but I can't stop the mental movies!

My wife and I are in the process of separating and I am doing a hard 180 and moving on with my life.

No more spying, no more trying to break up the affair (I have no idea about the status but I know there has been at least some contact via txting), no more wondering what my wife is thinking all the time.

I've been spending time with family and they are encouraging me to move on and pointing out serious flaws that I ignored about my WW during the 8 year marriage.

The problem is I can't stop the mental movies from playing out in my head. I try to go to sleep and I picture my wife and the OM making out on his couch, going to the bedroom, having sex in different positions, etc.

I picture my wife talking dirty and saying things she never said with me, or doing things she would never do with me.

I get so angry because my wife claims the sex with the OM was bad and she never had an orgasm or did oral (which she rarely did with me) but I know in my heart it is BS and she probably did all kinds of things with the OM that I never got from her.

One message I found between my wife and the OM was her saying "Sorry about last night, you got me all excited!" (to which he just said "ok", which was normal for him since he never said much over email or text).

My mind can't stop turning over that comment and wondering wtf was going on that made her say that. She claimed she was apologizing to him for telling him she was only interested in him for his body, but I don't buy it. I picture her having screaming loud orgasms or breaking furniture, getting super wet, jacking him off over his nice clothes, etc.

Anyway, why am I going on about all this? When will all of this stop?

I'm REALLY trying to be over this woman. She has treated me so poorly. She told the OM she never wanted to be with me in the first place. She told the OM she missed him and wanted to know if he would have a relationship with her that was more than just sex. She told me the affair wouldn't have happened if I wasn't a bad husband. I can go on and on.

So why can't I stop thinking about this other guy boning my STBXW?

My friend told me I should be thanking this OM for making me realize what I was putting up with all these years and giving me the freedom I could never step up and demand on my own.

I know my friends and family are right. What can I do to stop obsessing over all of this?
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Old 10-24-2012, 04:28 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Divorcing my cheating wife but I can't stop the mental movies!

Get some ic I went weekly for a few months then about every 2 weeks the rest of the year after. It just takes time but it gets better.
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Old 10-24-2012, 07:48 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Divorcing my cheating wife but I can't stop the mental movies!

There is a trick .... a yoga meditation trick to still the mind

............How hard it is to control the mind!Well has it been compared to the maddened monkey.

There was a monkey,restless by his own nature, as all monkeys are.
As if that were not enough, someone made him drink freely of wine,so that he became still more restless.

Then a scorpion stung him. When a man is stung by a scorpion he jumps about for a whole day, so the poor monkey found his condition worse than ever.

To complete his misery a demon entered into him. What language can describe the uncontrollable restlessness of that monkey?

The human mind is like that monkey; incessantly active by its own nature, then it becomes drunk with the wine of desire, thus increasing its turbulence. After desire takes possession comes the sting of the scorpion of jealously of others whose desires meet with fulfilment, and last of all the demon of pride takes possession of the mind, making it think itself of all importance.

How hard to control such a mind!

The first lesson, then, is to sit for some time and let the mind run on. The mind is bubbling up all the time. It is like that monkey jumping about. Let the monkey jump as much as he can; you simply wait and watch.

Give it the full length of the reins; many most hideous thoughts may come into it; you will be astonished that it was possible for you to think such thoughts. But you will find that each day the mind’svagaries are becoming less and less violent, that each day it is becoming calmer. ............


Let the movies play in your mind , observer without judgement let them play out .

If you try to suppress them they will come back in force , if you try to change them into something else that takes time.

For me the technique that worked was this simple trick and not only with the mind movies but with any cravings ( food or smocking) or fears


And that was my mantra every time a let them play
( paraphrasing herbert )




I will face my pain.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the pain has gone there will be nothing.....
Only I will remain

Last edited by giashasa2012; 10-24-2012 at 08:26 PM.
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Old 10-24-2012, 07:59 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Divorcing my cheating wife but I can't stop the mental movies!

Get into IC. Do "the 180." File for divorce. That should keep you busy! And, yes, it will get much easier for you over the course of time!

Sorry to see you here at TAM, but you've definitely come to the right place! Best of luck to you, my friend!
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Last edited by arbitrator; 10-24-2012 at 08:28 PM.
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Old 10-24-2012, 08:27 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Divorcing my cheating wife but I can't stop the mental movies!

I agree with giashasa2012...this is what I did.

I don't know if this is good advice or not...but it has worked for me. I'm going through the same thing with my STBXW and her 1 1/2 year affair. The mind movies were really bad, even incapacitating at times. I have read many months of messages between STBXW and POSOM...thousands of them. You can imagine what details I know and what they were doing.

This may sound strange and counter-intuitive. What seems to be working for me is to Not avoid thinking about them. I have actually set aside time to do just that...play the movies...over and over again...from all angles and possibilities. I didn't want to avoid the pain...I wanted to confront it head on and get it out of my system. My reasoning was to play them out to a point where I was sick of them and become desensitized. They no longer bother me nearly as much.

It's like watching anything that is shocking when you first see it. If you keep watching it over and over it is no longer shocking. This process will take time but it is working for me. I am no longer incapacitated by the movies. I can now function normally. Eventually you will fill your thinking patterns with productive thoughts again and the movies will fade.

I hope this helps.
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Old 10-24-2012, 09:14 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Divorcing my cheating wife but I can't stop the mental movies!

That should keep you busy! And, yes, it will get much easier for you over the course of time!
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Old 10-24-2012, 10:26 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Divorcing my cheating wife but I can't stop the mental movies!

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Originally Posted by zenmaster View Post
What can I do to stop obsessing over all of this?
All of it, or just the mind-movies?

The mind movies are easy to get over. If you are not going to R and you are free-and-clear of the relationship, it may be time to get laid. For me, the mind movies ended when I did that.

I will likely catch grief for saying that. But, do know that I wasn't even married, only engaged when I was cheated-on. So, getting 'free and clear' was as easy as signing a lease.

So, while I no longer feel the emasculating sting of those mind-movies, I still feel very, very sad about the whole thing. And that's where the real damage lies. I honestly don't care if OM had the world's most amazing ****, honestly, I don't. I am just so sad that I lost someone for whom I cared so very deeply.

Last edited by Labcoat; 10-24-2012 at 10:37 PM.
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Old 10-24-2012, 10:56 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Divorcing my cheating wife but I can't stop the mental movies!

Hello and greetings from Germany! I am very sorry for your loss and I do understand your pain. If this helps any, my exwife did over forty guys while we we stationed in Fulda Germany and I was out in the field or on the border. What I did to work thru the pain and disbelief was to watch short porn videos on the net and put her face to each one of them. After about six months it got pretty boring and I figured out ......That in this life, we are alone in our heads on this earth.......you really are not married.....you are just very happy or very sad or something inbetween with a woman that shares your bed. I am truly over my ex now, and one day you will understand her{your soon to be exwife} broken ness and move on from her too. Keep posting and keep us up dated on your life. This is a pretty damm good group of friends here, alot of them are really funny!Good night David
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Old 10-25-2012, 12:02 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Divorcing my cheating wife but I can't stop the mental movies!

Zen,

The absolute best way to get over a woman is to get on top of another one.

Think about all the crazy ass monkey fu(king you are going to do with your next mate. And without all the distrust and agony.
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Old 10-25-2012, 12:36 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Divorcing my cheating wife but I can't stop the mental movies!

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Originally Posted by alphaomega View Post
Zen,

The absolute best way to get over a woman is to get on top of another one.

Think about all the crazy ass monkey fu(king you are going to do with your next mate. And without all the distrust and agony.
Posted via Mobile Device
I did forget getting laid here and there nsa helps with ic
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Old 10-25-2012, 01:47 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Divorcing my cheating wife but I can't stop the mental movies!

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Originally Posted by zenmaster View Post
What can I do to stop obsessing over all of this?
Maybe you can realize that

The human brain is completing the incomplete information you get with an image that exceeds over and originates in your worst fears. In bright colors, beautiful settings, fantastic experiences are put together by your own mind. This is what especially happens to the male BS. These images FAKE per definition.

1. Most people have an average sex life (which is really nothing to be jealous off)
2. Most people are in the affair fog, living in a fantasy, in their mind with fantastic sex, even though in reality it is really sickening banal.
3. Most people would in the affair fake mutually how great the sex is and go out of their way to prove that to the other partner, and want to believe that themselves.

Now if you realize this, you can counter the images you have by transforming and exaggerating elements of the images to ridicule proportions. Change the place to a pig hole, change the light to cold blue light, provide them with disgusting flabs of fat on all the wrong places, enlarge facial features, ears nose, etc. The new images will make you laugh and feel pity for them.

And you know what? Probably the cold reality is more like your new images.
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Old 10-25-2012, 02:02 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Divorcing my cheating wife but I can't stop the mental movies!

What is happening to you is normal---the visions will lessen, as you get your D., and move on---once she is gone, and you enter into a new life, the triggers will lessen

It is your sub--conscious that brings these visions, as you drive to and from work, at 3 a m in the morning, as you sit at your desk at work, as you are by yourself at home

As I said---they will go, when you start a new life, and your sub--conscious starts to focus on new things in your life

In all reality tho---you should know---that the visions will return from time to time---possibly for the rest of your life---that is just the way it is, with your sub--conscious.
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Old 10-25-2012, 04:46 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Divorcing my cheating wife but I can't stop the mental movies!

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My friend told me I should be thanking this OM for making me realize what I was putting up with all these years and giving me the freedom I could never step up and demand on my own.

I know my friends and family are right. What can I do to stop obsessing over all of this?

Send him an email saying the same.It can give you more strength.
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Old 10-25-2012, 05:07 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Divorcing my cheating wife but I can't stop the mental movies!

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Send him an email saying the same.It can give you more strength.
Or he could beat the OM to a pulp, and THEN thank him. I think that's a fair compromise, LOL
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Old 10-25-2012, 07:18 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Divorcing my cheating wife but I can't stop the mental movies!

Liste, Zen, once you find a new and more exciting Lady, you will soon forget about the reject you have now, and what she did with her loser BF. Trust me on this .
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