Still hurts

BETRAYED0208 · 06-09-2009, 12:09 PM

My wife had an affair back in May of 08 with someone she met on the Internet probably as early as Feb of 08. They chatted on line for sometime and in either April or May started to see each other while I was at work. She finally crossed the line in May and had intimate relations with him. Of course after that the man did not call her again all he wanted was sex not a relationship. I love her very much we have been married for 30 years we have to great sons one 25 and one 19 and I never would leave her. I forgave and we are restoring our marriage we even renewed our vows in November. It has been
a year since her infidelity and in August it will be a year since I found out. I am still
hurting and she can be very loving then turnaround and be very distant when I tell her I love her she doesn’t say much other times she tells me she loves me without me asking.
I am still totally confused and tormented by what happened I have been seeing a psychologist since Oct and I still can’t cope at times. I no longer discuss the issue with her be cause we argue and get no where. She said it was my fault for years of looking at other women on the street which did a lot of damage to her self esteem. Her self esteem
has been an issue since she was a little girl and no matter how much I told her I loved her or how great she looked it would not sink in

michzz · 06-09-2009, 12:23 PM

Unfortunately, you both are at the very beginning of this recovery process. And you both are in different place regarding her affair.

You really need the help of a marriage counselor.

She is not recovering from the same thing that you are recovering from.

Your goals may be completely different. She blames you for her failing.

Amplexor · 06-09-2009, 12:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BETRAYED0208

I no longer discuss the issue with her be cause we argue and get no where. She said it was my fault for years of looking at other women on the street which did a lot of damage to her self esteem.

While you may have made mistakes in the marriage she needs to take responsibility for her failure. This is not your fault. She made a conscious decision to have sex with another man. She failed her wedding vows and traded her marital virtue for a few minutes of pleaser and self esteem building. How much more was her self esteem damaged by this predator that used her for his own needs and dropped her like a cigarette butt when he was done with her. You need to commit to the changes to make your marriage a better place but she need to accept the blame for the indiscretion. Until she does that she will never look to you for forgiveness and try to patch up the damage.

It sounds as if she could use some individual counseling as well.

They Call Me Smooth · 06-09-2009, 01:03 PM

+1 Amplexor. Sorry but I am a firm believer that there is ZERO and I mean ZERO reason to cheat on someone. If you aren't happy then you leave. You don't betray someone.

What your wife is doing is deflecting the blame on you. If you aren't both seeing a marriage counselor then maybe you should. I can understand going by yourself to help you deal with it but in order for your marriage to heal and to avoid doing the same things you need to talk it out. Some times fighting over something is better then ignoring it. I know my wife and I got into our situation but ignoring every thing.