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EA and maybe more - Falling apart!!!

60K views 254 replies 37 participants last post by  Crossmyheart 
#1 ·
Never thought I would end up in a forum like this. My hands are shaking as I write. My scenario is so VAST and messy that I could write a novel of whats transpired between my W and I. I'll try to sum up as best as I can...

Back in July, the worst day of my life came to be; I was notified at my doorstep by the police that my older sister was killed in a car accident. I'm not going into details, but it still hurts to this day. The only reason I'm even mentioning this is for background info of my state of mind.

Here's what my family life is like... I've been with my W for 6+ years, been married just over a year; August 2011. We have 4 kids. She has 2 twin boys (age 12) from a previous relationship, but they call me Dad and hardly ever see their "biological father". We also have 2 beautiful little girls (ages 3 and 5). We both work full-time; and I just recently started working 2 nights a week at a pizza parlor for some extra money. We live on very little income. I guess you could say we're both over-worked and under-paid.

So, for me, this is when everything started to get heavy. On Sept 7 my W got a "random" friend request on Facebook. She had no idea who is was, but accepted it for some reason. This is when I got a little leery, but I trusted her so I didn't think anything of it.

I started noticing that my W started acting a little different shortly afterward, e.g. wanting to excercise, diet, wanting space. I told her my concerns regarding her new "friend". I told her I was worried they would start emailing, texting, phone conversation, etc. She told me she had NO intention of any of that. At any rate, I caught her on the phone with him one night and listened in. The conversation was quite innocent; nothing too personal. After she hung up, I confronted her about it. And she got angry and said "I don't need your permission to talk to whom I want to talk to."

Anyway, this could go on way too long, so I'll just let everyone know where I currently stand. From what I've gathered they've never met in person, though I doubt it. My W DID tell me that texting/talking to him is an escape for her since he knows very little about her, but he does know that we're married.

Occasionally, the correspondence goes away, but then the next week I'll find a recent text between them, but again its not anything very secretive. My W is so sick and tired of me constantly telling her my concerns or answering my questions that I feel I'm doing more harm than good.

The OM is FAR more successful than I ever could be. He's a firefighter/paramedic and just recently was elected to City Council. I'm an ant compared to him. He's a Christian and is single. I'm not very religious by the way and neither is my W.

I'm so torn right now. My W tells me she loves me and kisses me goodbye when I leave for work, etc. But I can't shake the thoughts in my head of what may or may not be going on between them. And please don't tell me to check phone records. I have no cell phone and she is still on her familys plan. So thats not an option of trying to find things out.

I will admit that things have died down a bit, but I'm still scared and skeptical. ANY advice is welcome, but understand I love my W with all my heart, but I can't stay feeling paranoid like this forever.
 
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#45 ·
CrossmyHeart

You missed a great opportunity to get some answers. While you were rubbing her feet you should have started:

"Hey hon, I've been thinking about your new friend xxx, where does he know you from?" etc. get answers. Let her know it concerns you.

You are busting your butt in two jobs providing for your family. You need to ensure you HAVE a family to provide for. She needs to pull some weight here too.

Personally, from all you've said, I don't think anything is going on on HER side at the moment. But you better believe the 'councilman' is casting his net and preparing to hold a 'one-on-one' citizens input involving your wife in the near future. Let your concerns be known in a non-threatening manner.

HAVE SOME FAITH IN YOURSELF. Have some respect for yourself. You are stronger than you think!
 
#47 ·
Sorry you are here. You do sound like a good man who puts family first, so don't sell yourself short. Biggest mistake I made was letting things slide because it made my WH feel uncomfortable. He had an affair, said he stopped, but didn't. He was able to tell me with a straight face and very convincingly that he had not heard anything from her and that he had no feelings for her. JUST IN CASE, and if your wife has any respect for you and you have any respect for yourself, you deserve to ask her as many questions as you need to to get the sense that she is not cheating. If she gets angry (as long as you don't start off by yelling), more than likely she is hiding something. At that point, if I were you, I would contact the OM, tell him that you do not appreciate him befriending your married wife with 4 children in any way, shape, or form, and if HE gets defensive or rude, threaten to expose him to EVERYONE....then do it! You may think he is a good Christian man because of what your wife said, but a cheater will say anything to deflect anything negative on them. He is probably lying to her and she is probably lying to him. You may just be a roomate for all he knows - or a live-in brother. For her to just drop something like that that she knows is a huge concern for you....guilty on some level. Sorry you are here. Sorry for the negative advice - just based on experience.

And as far as you having to deal with the death of your sister - I left my family in another state for 3 weeks to be with my brother before he died. I didn't want my girls to have to experience that, so I asked my husband to stay behind and take care of our girls. His mom came out to help, and he had an affair, physical, starting on the day before I buried my brother. My brother died 4 hours after I got there - he waited for me, I believe - and then took his last breath right before my eyes. I should be really messed up. Then after not seeing my family for 3 weeks, my husband was late picking me up from the airport, put my bags in the car, didn't give me a hug, barely spoke to me, and that night told me he wanted a divorce...again, I should be messed up. I had crap that was clouding my judgement. Learn from others' experience.

In the end, we are working through it, and he is dealing with the horror that was our lives for the last year that he caused. We are actually doing well all things considered. I got tough later. You need to get tough now. Now excuses.
 
#48 ·
For the record, this guy is who he claims he is. He's even in a public position now. So, he's not "posing" behind some front. But yes, just because he says he's a Christian, doesn't make him a saint. And he DID go to a Christian Theological College; I checked it out. I even saw him on a YouTube video for the City Council election/speeches. Keep in mind, I live in a small town as well.
 
#50 ·
The fact he is 'Christian' is totally irrelevant here.

There's nothing wrong with foot rubs, but don't do them in a simpering puppy-dog way. Asking questions while you do them is a great idea.

Don't just forget about this. And read Not Just Friends.
 
#51 ·
Okay, so this is SO stupid and childish, and I am aware I'm over-analyzing every single moment. But, I need an opinion. This morning, before I left for work I ran up to the store to get some milk and cereal for the kids since its payday. While I was there, I bought her a Starbucks coffee and left it on the counter for her when I left for work.

I guess I was being too optimistic, but when I got to work I was expecting a 'thank you' email or something. But I haven't gotten any emails from her. Should I email her to ask if she even realized I got it for her?

Geez, I'm impatient... Sorry.
 
#53 ·
I guess I was being too optimistic, but when I got to work I was expecting a 'thank you' email or something. But I haven't gotten any emails from her. Should I email her to ask if she even realized I got it for her?

Geez, I'm impatient... Sorry.
Absolutely!

"Hey babe - I went out of my way to get you a coffee cause I was thinking of you. You okay?"
 
#52 ·
Hey Crossmyheart

Be sure to find out how he got her number. That's a big no-no since you were unaware she had given it out. And if he used his authority to get it from public records you should know that too. He may be a christian - but you know what? big whoop
 
#58 ·
I understand Hope. Its just SO HARD for me to detach since I love her so much and just am naturally nice. Its hard to 'detach' since we see each other all the time. And I can't just start going off and doing my own thing. I have 4 kids, limited funds as well as limited time.

VERY GOOD POINT BTW.
 
#60 ·
Definitely read Not Just Friends and No More Mr. Nice Guy (hard when you're working multiple jobs but better to do that pay so much attention to a wife who isn't noticing).

Stop doing any of the extras for her right now. This adds to her perception of you as a doormat.

Have a frank conversation about this man with her and that you're not comfortable with the amount of time and attention she's devoting to a relationship outside of your marriage. Try getting her to see it in a reversed situation - would she like it if you were spending this time and attention talking to a cute 21 year old girl?

Then ask her to call/email this other man and advise that the relationship is inappropriate, harmful to her marriage and that she will not be contacting him further. From there on, the cell phone is to remain open to you to review as needed. No deleting/altering anything. If you catch it, she's out. Done.
 
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#62 ·
Definitely read Not Just Friends and No More Mr. Nice Guy (hard when you're working multiple jobs but better to do that pay so much attention to a wife who isn't noticing).

Stop doing any of the extras for her right now. This adds to her perception of you as a doormat.

Have a frank conversation about this man with her and that you're not comfortable with the amount of time and attention she's devoting to a relationship outside of your marriage. Try getting her to see it in a reversed situation - would she like it if you were spending this time and attention talking to a cute 21 year old girl?

Then ask her to call/email this other man and advise that the relationship is inappropriate, harmful to her marriage and that she will not be contacting him further. From there on, the cell phone is to remain open to you to review as needed. No deleting/altering anything. If you catch it, she's out. Done.[/QUOTE]

God, I wish it was that easy. I've asked her to do that over a month ago and she got pissed; yes I know it means there is more going on. Maybe I should try again since things seem to have simmered down. I hope I'm not in denial. ;)
 
#61 ·
My husband is a 'nice guy' and I have been trying to get him to be more assertive for YEARS, so I know how you feel. But I don't WANT someone who, when I ask him if he would be interested in doing something, says "Only if you are". Because that leaves me to try and figure out what he really wants. By not telling me, it's putting me up on a pedestal, telling me my opinion matters more than his, which is unattractive. I want HIM to decide, or at least TELL me what his preferences are.
 
#63 ·
Also, there's a piece of this puzzle I have left out, that I should now confess. My W (I think) is convinced that I cheated on her years ago, which I did not do. Sadly, (and w/o thinking) my past actions could appear as though I did. But I have told her repeatedly and even sworn on my departed Sister's soul that I did not ever have an affair. Just thought everyone should know. I am nice, but I guess stupid at times too.
 
#69 ·
People who are having affairs often accuse their spouse of having one. I didn't because I am more aware than most people, but there are several reasons why a straying spouse will do this. One is that it justifies their affair, two is because they feel guilty, three is because they are projecting their own behavior onto you as way to shift guilt and/or blame for their desire to stray.

Tell her you will be willing to take a polygraph and ask her if she will take one. Watch her facial expressions and body language carefully. Look for fear or resistance. She may even get huffy, none of which are good.
 
#66 ·
This isn't about what you didn't do years ago. If she brings that up, tell her to stuff it - it's irrelevant now. This is about what she IS doing NOW.

She needs to prove to you she isn't up to anything else. You need to demand that she do so. Anything less isn't going to cut it.
 
#78 ·
Instead of wasting time on Polygraphs and being so open about everything, why don't you do what has been suggested, which is invest in the VAR, which is not even close to 200$, and closer to less then $60 bucks. Be more discreet right now and go into investigation mode, you don't have enough to really suggest or say anything. If you continue to berate her with questions, your just going to make her hate you more. When you have enough information then confront her. Gather more INFORMATION!!!

That way you don't have to threaten her or make her feel threatened. It doesn't sound like she has done anything super wrong other then communicating with another man, which I don't agree with, but needs to be stopped.
 
#77 ·
Before you ask her to do anything, you need to decide what will happen if she doesn't do what you need. So, if she won't take a polygraph, what then? Or, if she takes it and fails, what then? You need to have all this prepared before you talk to her about it. Write it down even.

Then just pick a time and tell her you need her undivided attention for however long, and say it. Ask her not to interrupt till you're done, then listen to her when you're done. Use 'I' statements and not 'you' statements.
 
#81 ·
CMH,

you keep playing softball while the OM is playing hardball with your wife.

Man up dude!!:scratchhead:

If you want help, get the VAR. No need to be a jerk to the wife, but she should not be communicating with other men intimately. If she is not, then just get the voice activated recorder and pray that she is not doing anything.
 
#82 ·
Quick question. One other scenario I've been pondering is that (and I think someone already mentioned this earlier) what IF she was having a one-sided EA. For the past week, she's been kinda down and depressed. Are one-sided EA's recoverable? What kind of attitude should I take if (lets pretend here) he stopped communicating with her because he thought it was inappropriate on his part. Again, this is hypothetical. I'm not trying to convince myself this issue is over. Just want to cover all my bases.
 
#83 ·
Not your problem. If she is depressed because of another man.

All you can do is be a good husband and take care of your family and do fun things together. Going to the park, watching movies, playing games etc...

Typical family things. If she is depressed and its not because of you, then I don't know what to say. If she is depressed because of another man, then tough ****!!!!
 
#85 ·
Let me just say, that being a nice guy is not a bad thing. However, being a nice prson to a spouse who is quite possibly cheating on you will get you nothing. I would take a nice guy over a not so nice guy any day. Right now though, you have good reason to suspect that something is going on and she should acknowledge.

If you see the coffee still on the counter when you get home, she didn't see it, but I am guessing that with 4 kids she was in the kitchen plenty and drank it up. Maybe she will thank you when you get home.

Then when all is well, just say, "Hey, hon, I know you said that you are not talking to that guy anymore, right? Well, if that is the case, thank you, but I have some questions about how he got your name and number in the first place and just what did he want to talk to you about if you had never met before? If he contacts you again, I think we should all go out for coffee sometime together and find out what his intentions are unless you already know, and if so, please share so I am not burdond with the unknown...at least give me that."
 
#87 ·
Then when all is well, just say, "Hey, hon, I know you said that you are not talking to that guy anymore, right? Well, if that is the case, thank you, but I have some questions about how he got your name and number in the first place and just what did he want to talk to you about if you had never met before? If he contacts you again, I think we should all go out for coffee sometime together and find out what his intentions are unless you already know, and if so, please share so I am not burdond with the unknown...at least give me that."
WOW! Thats poetry!!! Thank you Sun!!! Really, THANK YOU!
 
#89 ·
Sorry, but here's what I got:
- After the Facebook request, her behavior changed. She started excercising and distanced herself from me. She even wanted "space".
- She took her phone with her EVERYWHERE, and would disappear in the bathroom for 30+ minutes.
- She started ignoring me on Facebook. I managed to get into her Facebook account and found out that she was "searching" for this guy and visiting his page 2-4 times daily.
- She told me she felt smothered and suffocated.
- She broke down a couple of weeks ago and (angrily) confessed that she was emailing/texting with him daily.
- She got VERY defensive anytime I brought up the fact of how much pain and concern the whole deal was causing.
- I also (shortly after his friend request) told her how I was not comfortable with some random guy being her "friend" on Facebook. I told her I was worried it would blossom into something more. She (of course) said it wouldn't, but then she started emailing him, then starting texting him and then I caught her on the phone with him one night. That was the same night she said she wanted space btw.

This is all about 3-4 week old news. She hasn't even mentioned the "needing space" thing in well over a month.
 
#91 ·
What walkonmars is trying to say, is this issue is bigger then you led us to believe.

She is definetly having an emotional affair and it is 100% UNACCEPTABLE!!!!

Married women don't seek out men and visit there pages constantly. Something is very very fishy here. Her behavior saying you suffocate her and she feels smothered is ridiculous. Your her husband for god sakes.

She is trying to push you away from what it sounds like to me. If you really love your wife, make a stop on this man, or you are going to lose her. Close the FB account down, take away the cell phone. She is ruining your marriage. Remind her that she is a mother of two beautiful girls and that they need stability.

Tell her you don't want to see this family broken because of another man. Ask her what you lack, explain to her you will take a stance for your marriage but you won't be walked all over and you will leave and take the kids with you and she can have visitation rights. Make her know you are not scared.

Do something, because this is utter buill**** and it seems like she is taking your for a ride.
 
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