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EA and maybe more - Falling apart!!!

60K views 254 replies 37 participants last post by  Crossmyheart 
#1 ·
Never thought I would end up in a forum like this. My hands are shaking as I write. My scenario is so VAST and messy that I could write a novel of whats transpired between my W and I. I'll try to sum up as best as I can...

Back in July, the worst day of my life came to be; I was notified at my doorstep by the police that my older sister was killed in a car accident. I'm not going into details, but it still hurts to this day. The only reason I'm even mentioning this is for background info of my state of mind.

Here's what my family life is like... I've been with my W for 6+ years, been married just over a year; August 2011. We have 4 kids. She has 2 twin boys (age 12) from a previous relationship, but they call me Dad and hardly ever see their "biological father". We also have 2 beautiful little girls (ages 3 and 5). We both work full-time; and I just recently started working 2 nights a week at a pizza parlor for some extra money. We live on very little income. I guess you could say we're both over-worked and under-paid.

So, for me, this is when everything started to get heavy. On Sept 7 my W got a "random" friend request on Facebook. She had no idea who is was, but accepted it for some reason. This is when I got a little leery, but I trusted her so I didn't think anything of it.

I started noticing that my W started acting a little different shortly afterward, e.g. wanting to excercise, diet, wanting space. I told her my concerns regarding her new "friend". I told her I was worried they would start emailing, texting, phone conversation, etc. She told me she had NO intention of any of that. At any rate, I caught her on the phone with him one night and listened in. The conversation was quite innocent; nothing too personal. After she hung up, I confronted her about it. And she got angry and said "I don't need your permission to talk to whom I want to talk to."

Anyway, this could go on way too long, so I'll just let everyone know where I currently stand. From what I've gathered they've never met in person, though I doubt it. My W DID tell me that texting/talking to him is an escape for her since he knows very little about her, but he does know that we're married.

Occasionally, the correspondence goes away, but then the next week I'll find a recent text between them, but again its not anything very secretive. My W is so sick and tired of me constantly telling her my concerns or answering my questions that I feel I'm doing more harm than good.

The OM is FAR more successful than I ever could be. He's a firefighter/paramedic and just recently was elected to City Council. I'm an ant compared to him. He's a Christian and is single. I'm not very religious by the way and neither is my W.

I'm so torn right now. My W tells me she loves me and kisses me goodbye when I leave for work, etc. But I can't shake the thoughts in my head of what may or may not be going on between them. And please don't tell me to check phone records. I have no cell phone and she is still on her familys plan. So thats not an option of trying to find things out.

I will admit that things have died down a bit, but I'm still scared and skeptical. ANY advice is welcome, but understand I love my W with all my heart, but I can't stay feeling paranoid like this forever.
 
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#93 ·
I'm glad you itemized all that. And the title of your thread says you think she may be engaging in more than just an EA.

NOW do you think you need the VAR?

She probably didn't like how you reacted so she's taken it underground.
 
#94 ·
I guess I should've come here earlier. Anyway, let me reiterate, that the list is about a month old. And its not like I've done nothing. I have expressed to her (at times firmly) about the whole situation. I have reminded her that she is a wonderul mother to 2 beautiful little girls and 2 wonderful young boys. I've told her I don't want her to do something that will compromise our family. Even that little remark about dropping a "hint" to the city council about what the OM has been doing, if he's done anything at all.

Yes, she may have started to hide things more, but her behavior has receded back to what she was like before this all went down. She now leaves her phone around the house and tells me she loves me, etc. Yes, my firmness may have caused her to change, but if she's "pretending" she's doing a damn good job.

I'm just not totally sold on this issue to be COMPLETELY over is all and I want it to be. Thats why SUN's comment was pretty enlightening for me.
 
#95 ·
I'm not trying to make excuses for her or defend her. I'm just letting you all know ehere things are CURRENTLY at and what best course of action I should take from here on out.

And as an example of her behavior being familiar again; she stayed in the breakroom at her work for her lunch. When we don't carpool, she usually goes and sits in the van with her phone. But today she ate her lunch in the breakroom. Thats just an example. And by no means PROOF everything is fine again. I know that.
 
#104 ·
You can observe both the way she's acting, like you have been, and also try to find anything she may have hidden. My hubby kept his secret cell phone locked in his vehicle for months. He told me he kept the car locked so no one (ie kids) would go into it. In the garage. Observe her comings and goings. What she's wearing when she goes places. Everything. Get a VAR. Look at her emails and bank accounts and credit card statements.
 
#107 ·
Is it possible for her to contact him using work related methods? A work phone or work computer.

Can she step out of work for an hour during the day to meet someone? Is it possible for her to be late for work or leave early without you finding out?

One huge red flag for me is when a spouse starts being TOO nice after you address a possible connection with another man/woman.

My friend's wife was super nice to him. Made sure the house was cleaned. Did all the shopping, cooking and cleaning. Sex life went from so-so to incredible (his words).

He was a totally satisfied husband with a beautiful thoughtful wife. Until he found out she had been in a PA for the last 2 years. All that she had been doing for him was just to keep him happy so he would not suspect the affair and stop her.

Not saying that is what is going on with you, but you would be foolish to think she may not have taken it underground.
 
#108 ·
Agreed. I'm not trying to turn a blind eye to that possibility. But she hasn't gone to being SUPER-NICE to me or anything. Our sex life isn't any different.

I suppose she could use work related methods, but her co-workers are very nosey people who all like me very much. She'd have to have a lot of guts to contact him that way.

The biggest assurance I have, is the mere fact that neither of us really have a lot of time to conduct an affair. When we get off work we have to get our kids ASAP, because her Mom and sister watch them while we're at work and they usually get VERY short with us if we're late picking them up.
 
#110 ·
And quit thinking of why there's no way she could be doing it. Start thinking about how she COULD be.

If she isn't hiding stuff then you won't find anything.

So many BS's look back and see all the red flags they missed.

And if she gets indignant - well, that's a red flag too. You caught her doing something inappropriate. She should be a willing open book right now.
 
#111 ·
Gotcha. Unless something HUGE happens, I'll update everyone how the weekend went on Monday. I'm going to have a hard time keeping my mouth shut, but I'll step back and observe. Maybe I'll play some video games, play with the kids, etc. Football is on Sunday. The Steelers are playing Sunday night. We usually always watch Bears and Steelers games together.
 
#116 ·
CMH; The longer you spend waiting for someone to give you the answer you want to hear the further away your wife is drifting. Posting and not doing anything won't help you save your marriage.
Do something, get the VAR, check the phone bill, find out what is going on and then you will know. There are so many threads on this forum wher the BS dithers about and doesn't act until it is far too late.
 
#118 ·
These are good points.

I cheated during lunch, and made a point to never go out at night to cheat. Also, burner phones are so easy to buy and hide. I paid cash for the phone. I paid cash for the hotel, cash for lunch or gifts for the OW.

Get the VAR.

The OW wanted more and she exposed hoping to force my wife to divorce me. She did. I am trying to win her back. Unfortunately the first time she caught me cheating with a prostitute, she only kicked me out for six months, than she took me back. It wasn't a serious enough consequence, I guess.
 
#119 ·
Not much to report over the weekend. I know many of you have said I need to ACT NOW, but I just want to observe at the moment since her behavior changed back to normal (kind of) last week. I am going to get a VAR and stash it in the van. But we carpool everyday except Thursdays and Fridays; so I really won't get anything from the VAR until then.
 
#122 ·
Unless you are a really jealous sort of guy, and I don't get that impression, and if you suspect your wife is stepping out, she likely is. It may not be sexual yet, but it is going that way. Secure the var under the seat of the car in a way that ensures it won't fall out. I mainly talked to the other women in my car on my burn phone. If you suspect she is using your home to cheat. Stash them behind the headboard and couches.
 
#124 ·
No one can diagnose your wife's issues online.

suffice it to say, she it's possible she has some type of sexual compulsion or lack of impulse control. It could be any number of other things too. Some untreatable. Some treatable. Affairs are about secrecy though. That's part of the thrill sometimes, and mostly straying mates don't think they will be caught, even though they almost always are.

I had no issues with my wife. She was a good wife but sex was routine after so many years together and I was an idiot.
 
#125 ·
Wayward spouse have alot of reason to stay with there betrayed spouse. From what i have read most stay cuz the OM is younger, unsuccessful and going no were in life...they can bearly take care of them selfe much less a women with kids. So the wayward stay for the securty and stablity the spouse has to offer but goes out for the excitement and thrill.

In your case, I see that you wife's affection/interest in a man that is unobtainable, but in the same breath finds she already has you and you are a sure thing. This infatuation she has with the counselmen is a fantasy with no future, so she stays.

Or

Worst case, she is waiting to see if the couselmen will step up and take her away, a sure thing for her....making you her plan B, by having you around until some real commitment comes from the counselmen, and if that doesn't happen she will still have you.

These are all asumption on my part with regard to the possiblity that she won't leave you. In short she doesn't want to hurt you by making any of the above statement.

Lets face it if my wife came up to me and told me she was in a fantasy that had no future but wanted to continue I would be pissed. If my wife came up to me and said if the other man doesn't want me I will stay with you...well then I would throw her out.

So as much as it is to be honest it aslo alot harder and painful. It much easier to lie and hide the truth.


On a side note I think your wife is only one month in and it's time to start protecting your marriage no matter how angry she gets. It will be her choice to except the protection you have to offer or not and leave.

I also think the VAR will yield alot more info on how fragile your marriage really is and will justify the tough love approuch you will need to take control of your marriage.

You can't control your wife but you can control your marrige by setting up boundries and consequences for when those boundries are crossed. So make no mistake this has nothing to do with your wife but what you want out of a marriage and the respect you diserve being a married man.

Time to start commanding respect. Especially if the VAR reveals a serious danger to your marriage.
 
#126 ·
Thank you Guy! That was very insightful. My W has been acting like her old self lately, but a lot of people have told me that its possible she just went underground with what she may be doing. I don't want to discount the fact that her fantasy (if thats what it was) has burned out or the Councilman got nervous and stopped communicating with her.

I just FEEL like she has "woken up", but a small inkling is telling me its not over. I HOUNDED her for 2 months (shortly after it all started) about this issue and told her how it was making me feel. I just wish I could have a conversation (not a fight) with her that would help me put this issue to rest. But I doubt she'll admit or understand my concerns. I've got to get the VAR to confirm this I suppose.
 
#129 · (Edited)
You have no idea were I'm coming from :)

Man what I did to my old lady was criminal. But I changed.

My point is not about what you and me did and no matter how many time our chicks want to throw it in our face the bottom line is "do they still want to stay married to us right now" and if the answer is yes then these are the new boundries to keep us around.
 
#130 ·
Its so easy to except the finger point your chick do to us, then they go off and mess around, and we want to blame our selves. I say screw that...I love my wife but I love my self more and command the respect I diserve....maybe i have to much self respect for my own good but if thats what it takes to protect my family well then so be it.....my old lady knows were the door is if she thinks she can find someone that lovers her more then me.
 
#133 ·
Like what every addict goes through , look up withdrawal symptoms. Depression, sadness, irritability etc.

Did you look up her cell phone /text records to see hom much she was texting?

Have you bought Not Just Friends yet? You can't afford to go cheap.
 
#132 ·
Getb the VAR, your marriage is worht every penny. Walmart and best buy have them for under fifty dollars. Areally gooe one is at best buy, Olymous for about 100 dollars, Get heavy duty velcro and put it under the seat.

Two jobs leave no time for a relationship. How long has this been going on and why?
 
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