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EA and maybe more - Falling apart!!!

60K views 254 replies 37 participants last post by  Crossmyheart 
#1 ·
Never thought I would end up in a forum like this. My hands are shaking as I write. My scenario is so VAST and messy that I could write a novel of whats transpired between my W and I. I'll try to sum up as best as I can...

Back in July, the worst day of my life came to be; I was notified at my doorstep by the police that my older sister was killed in a car accident. I'm not going into details, but it still hurts to this day. The only reason I'm even mentioning this is for background info of my state of mind.

Here's what my family life is like... I've been with my W for 6+ years, been married just over a year; August 2011. We have 4 kids. She has 2 twin boys (age 12) from a previous relationship, but they call me Dad and hardly ever see their "biological father". We also have 2 beautiful little girls (ages 3 and 5). We both work full-time; and I just recently started working 2 nights a week at a pizza parlor for some extra money. We live on very little income. I guess you could say we're both over-worked and under-paid.

So, for me, this is when everything started to get heavy. On Sept 7 my W got a "random" friend request on Facebook. She had no idea who is was, but accepted it for some reason. This is when I got a little leery, but I trusted her so I didn't think anything of it.

I started noticing that my W started acting a little different shortly afterward, e.g. wanting to excercise, diet, wanting space. I told her my concerns regarding her new "friend". I told her I was worried they would start emailing, texting, phone conversation, etc. She told me she had NO intention of any of that. At any rate, I caught her on the phone with him one night and listened in. The conversation was quite innocent; nothing too personal. After she hung up, I confronted her about it. And she got angry and said "I don't need your permission to talk to whom I want to talk to."

Anyway, this could go on way too long, so I'll just let everyone know where I currently stand. From what I've gathered they've never met in person, though I doubt it. My W DID tell me that texting/talking to him is an escape for her since he knows very little about her, but he does know that we're married.

Occasionally, the correspondence goes away, but then the next week I'll find a recent text between them, but again its not anything very secretive. My W is so sick and tired of me constantly telling her my concerns or answering my questions that I feel I'm doing more harm than good.

The OM is FAR more successful than I ever could be. He's a firefighter/paramedic and just recently was elected to City Council. I'm an ant compared to him. He's a Christian and is single. I'm not very religious by the way and neither is my W.

I'm so torn right now. My W tells me she loves me and kisses me goodbye when I leave for work, etc. But I can't shake the thoughts in my head of what may or may not be going on between them. And please don't tell me to check phone records. I have no cell phone and she is still on her familys plan. So thats not an option of trying to find things out.

I will admit that things have died down a bit, but I'm still scared and skeptical. ANY advice is welcome, but understand I love my W with all my heart, but I can't stay feeling paranoid like this forever.
 
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#135 · (Edited)
Okay... Well, just when I thought things were better. They got worse. Caught my W texting with him (Monday night) and saw a message from him to her reading, "Hope you got everything worked out at home." This is (obviously) stating that she has reached out to him and probably told him how unhappy she is with our marriage. Of course, she denies this. We fought about it after I discovered it and she kept saying "I swear to God nothing is going on... I have no idea what he meant by that message..." Blah, blah, blah. She then went to her Moms for awhile (this was true) and when she got home she kissed me and said she loves me more than anything and that I have to trust her. At any rate, I'm going to go get a VAR and am currently contacting a lawyer and (as we speak) printing out divorce papers. Nice Thanksgiving day for me, huh?

There was a time when I tried to understand her and comfort her and do all I could to save this marriage. But to be honest, I don't really feel this marriage is worth saving anymore. Its clear she has no respect for my feelings. Guess I was in denial, but not anymore. Its time to move on. If she wants him, she can have him. All I care about now is my children. Sadly, since I have no legal ties to the twin boys, I can't fight to see them. But I know she won't keep them from me because they would never forgive her. My 2 little girls, *sigh* I love them so much!
 
#136 ·
You are actually in a good place by having this additude towards your wife. Now you can show her the tough love and confidence that you can move on with out her and now have the ability to show her the hard consequences for when your boundries a crossed.

No contact means no contact and if that is broken you will file.

Now that the emotional connection with your wife is fading and you are (maybe not willing ) confident to let her go, it will be up to her to do the heavy lifting to keep her marriage.

Her heavy lifting actions should include full transparentcy, having all passwords to her accounts, cell, labtop, social networks. She has the choice to be accountable for her were abouts and stay incontact with you. She makes an appointment for some IC to learn the tools to affair proof her marriage and understands her issues with the lack of boundries, entitlement, validation, or what problem she has that effect her in having a healthy commited marriage. She also makes the appointment to MC, so not only is she working on her infidelity problem but also her marriage problems.

These are just some of the thing that she needs to take...not you...but her and her attemp to keep this marriage. From were you are sitting the marriage is down, it is up to her to sh1t or get off the pot to save it.

Until this shift in power is established then it will be evident to you how important the marriage is, and if she can take immediate action before the divorce is finalized then you will withdraw the filing.

So you take the action to finish this bull crap and if she is serious she will take the action to stop it.
 
#137 ·
Indeed. I (again) am a naturally nice guy who just wanted to make his W happy. But now, the gloves are coming off and my goals have changed. Not sure how receptive my W will be. I KNOW she'll be angry as all HELL which will be difficult for me to bear, but I suppose thats one of the steps I'll have to cope with.

Trying to decide when it'll be best to tell her I'm filing; or should I not tell her and file anyway. Need some help guys. I know I can't use this as a bluff btw.
 
#141 ·
Waywards are always angry when the betrayed stop being doormats and stop sharing their wives. See it pisses them off that they can nolonger have there cake and eat it to...get it?

In fact its a good sign they get pissed, its a indicator that the affair is no longer convienent and comfortable as it once was when the wayward was in the dark.

Stay stonge, no more Mr. nice guy, show her thru your actions that you will no loger share her with another man.

Do you guys already have a talk about NC before Monday? if so then why tell her again but take action. I mean one would think that you told her to stop talking to the OM and if she can't then you were thru...if this is the case then go dark and file.

If you guy have not discussed this boundrie then it may be time to do so. In fact if the NC was not talked about then a few words are needed to let her know that you do have new boundries and the consequences for when thse boundries are craossed will be the termination of the marriage. I see no reason to explain why, but just the simple fact that you have had enough and in order to protect you emotioanlly you will let her go.


Its after a firm but calm conversation about boundries and consequences is done that you see if they are crossed and then go dark and file.

So, again is she aware about the NC boudry?

In fact have you discussed her writing a NC letter and you reading and delivering it?
 
#145 ·
T obe fair, I've told her how it makes me feel texting/talking to him, but I haven't established a boundry. But, after the last text I found on Monday, I told her there are boundaries in our marriage I'm not comfortable with being crossed. I guess reiterate the boundry, get a VAR and be prepared for filing.
 
#149 ·
Thought I'd share this. This was a message she sent me yesterday via Facebook after I asked her (for thr the 50th+ time) if there was anything else I should know of what may or may not be going on.

"I'm honestly not sure how to respond. What do you want me to say? Not trying to get an attitude, but honestly at this point anything I say is just going to upset you. Nothing is going on. I am not actively talking to him or any one and I'm not looking to. I just enjoyed talking with another adult who didn't already know how ****ed up I am, stupid I know, but true. Like I said I am no longer talking to ANYONE. This is over and had been for quite sometime. Can we please stop going over and over with the same issues."
 
#151 ·
don't bluff a divorce unless you are ready for it...
you lose credibility


first thing you need to find the nature of her relationship with this guy. Does she use the home computer to facebook ? what phone does she have?

"I'm honestly not sure how to respond. What do you want me to say? Not trying to get an attitude, but honestly at this point anything I say is just going to upset you. Nothing is going on. I am not actively talking to him or any one and I'm not looking to. I just enjoyed talking with another adult who didn't already know how ****ed up I am, stupid I know, but true. Like I said I am no longer talking to ANYONE. This is over and had been for quite sometime. Can we please stop going over and over with the same issues."

She has esteem issues like you and is vulnerable to an affair..why does she think she is ****ed up? discussing relationship issues is the first stage of an affair. she is doing that..did she explain the context of her message? is she deleting the messages
 
#152 ·
She is consistently unhappy with her life as well as angry. I have done all I can to make her feel special. I have suggested counseling many times, but she always refuses. I have suggested seeing a doctor or trying a medication, but (again) she refuses. She has even acknowledged (in the past) that she knows she's a b***h and gets upset with herself of how she treats me. She flip-flops A LOT!
 
#154 ·
This is her game; thinking all is well. Blah, blah, blah... She just sent me this email:

"Hope your day goes by quickly!! I love you. What time are you coming home? Do you want to come to moms house and I can follow you home in the van to drop off the car or do you want to come home and call me and I'll come get you???

Love you!"
 
#158 ·
wait. See what she's got to say when she gets home. See her reaction, her body-language, facial expressions and so on.

You're one of the few beta posters here who's trying to act alpha in a snap of the fingers. This is good but on the other hand you could be making mistakes along the way. Just relax and think it over.
 
#157 ·
I'm a little befuddled here. How would you describe you current sex life? How would you describe intimacy between you and your wife (besides sex)? If these seem good, you may be jumping the gun. I'm not saying this relationship with OM is acceptable, but not be what you perceive. How does she say they met? I may have missed something in the post, but it seems confusing to me.
 
#162 · (Edited)
God, she was defending the OM. She was so sure about it that she didn't care nor about the kids nor about you.
 
#171 ·
Do it and see her reaction.
Don't be afraid. Just be civil.
 
#170 ·
Everyone makes mistakes. The best advice I can give is: if you want to save your marriage or if you aren't quite sure what you want to do, just confess. Tell your spouse everything. When they ask questions, give answers. For some spouses that I have encountered, the betrayed spouse writes his/her questions out and gives them to their wayward spouse with a time limit of one week or less, depending on the individual. The wayward spouse has this time to contemplate their answers and no one feels like they are put "on the spot". From what I have gathered from other wayward spouses, the "getting it off my chest" was the best thing they could have done, whether or not It put the cards out on the table, and they HAD to make a decision about their marriage

I found the stuff above on another website dealing with infidelity. I like the strategy that I bolded. My W HATES being put on the spot. Maybe I should consider this...
 
#176 ·
How's this???


It is with a very heart that I write this to you. Believe me that I feel I have no other choice. I am your Husband and I love you, but the trust in our marriage/relationship has been damaged. And at this point, I do not know what your intentions are. You have said you wanted space, a separation and even threatened me with divorce. So, let me state that divorce is now an option for me as well.

But before either of us proceeds with this option, I want to give you the opportunity, one last time, to please tell me exactly what was going on with the OM and that I must have some kind of proof that it’s over. I wrote out a few questions I have. I hope that you can be honest and know that only the truth will be acceptable. I don’t like being so direct or firm, but if you (or I) want any kind of peace, the truth is the only route we can take. No more lies. If you decide to not answer this or just rip it up and throw it away, I will consider this your way of agreeing or accepting that a divorce is our only option. But also take note, that we all make mistakes. And I would very much like to see us heal this wound and fix our marriage to a healthier one. That is my hope. And don’t think of this as any kind of “power struggle”; this is a method to clear your conscience.

WHERE DID YOU MEET HIM, REALLY?




HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU MEET IN PERSON?




WHAT KIND OF MARRIAGE DID YOU TELL HIM WE HAD?




WHY WOULD YOU RISK OUR MARRIAGE OVER HIM?




WHY DID YOU PROCEED TO TALK WITH HIM AFTER I REPEATEDLY EXPRESSED HOW CONCERNED I WAS?

Again, this isn’t what I wanted this to come to, but it has. Divorce is the LAST option I ever wanted, but we can’t sweep this incident under the rug. Otherwise, we’ll both be unhappy and live in constant stress. I’ll give you a week to give this back to me. Again, if you choose not to do this, I will write the OM, tell him my story and file for divorce.
 
#177 ·
First off - Writing an email wouldn't be the best option. You would be seen as weak and afraid to confront her.
You need to face her and talk to her firmly, and eye to eye.

Second off - the words such as those that I bolded should be OFF the vocabulary when you confront her face to face.

How's this???


It is with a very heart that I write this to you. Believe me that I feel I have no other choice. I am your Husband and I love you, but the trust in our marriage/relationship has been damaged. And at this point, I do not know what your intentions are. You have said you wanted space, a separation and even threatened me with divorce. So, let me state that divorce is now an option for me as well.

But before either of us proceeds with this option, I want to give you the opportunity, one last time, to please tell me exactly what was going on with the OM and that I must have some kind of proof that it’s over. I wrote out a few questions I have. I hope that you can be honest and know that only the truth will be acceptable. I don’t like being so direct or firm, but if you (or I) want any kind of peace, the truth is the only route we can take. No more lies. If you decide to not answer this or just rip it up and throw it away, I will consider this your way of agreeing or accepting that a divorce is our only option. But also take note, that we all make mistakes. And I would very much like to see us heal this wound and fix our marriage to a healthier one. That is my hope. And don’t think of this as any kind of “power struggle”; this is a method to clear your conscience.

WHERE DID YOU MEET HIM, REALLY?




HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU MEET IN PERSON?




WHAT KIND OF MARRIAGE DID YOU TELL HIM WE HAD?




WHY WOULD YOU RISK OUR MARRIAGE OVER HIM?




WHY DID YOU PROCEED TO TALK WITH HIM AFTER I REPEATEDLY EXPRESSED HOW CONCERNED I WAS?

Again, this isn’t what I wanted this to come to, but it has. Divorce is the LAST option I ever wanted, but we can’t sweep this incident under the rug. Otherwise, we’ll both be unhappy and live in constant stress. I’ll give you a week to give this back to me. Again, if you choose not to do this, I will write the OM, tell him my story and file for divorce.
Again these words don't show firmness. You don't need to beg or say "please". She should be the one to beg.

And DON'T GIVE HER TIME TO THINK!!! she makes the decision right there, in that very moment, in front of you!!!
 
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#180 · (Edited)
Dude your doing it again your giving her time lines and negotiating with her.

Remeber filing for divorce is completely different then finalizing the divorce. Have her served and then she can do the heavy lifting during the waitiing period and you can withdraw the filing...what is the waiting period in your state ..90 days?

I can already tell she has your number...lok how she threatened you when you were going to email OM...you folded like a...IDk a book.

My point is have your say with her now but the next day you have go see a lawyer.....I mean come on, hasn't she heard this all before? Aren't these just more word? At the very least do not negotiate and get it in your head that you need to make some calls and get a atty ASAP
 
#183 ·
Dude your doing it again your giving her time lines and negotiating with her.

Remeber filing for divorce is completely different then finalizing the divorce. Have her served and then she can do the heavy lifting during the waitiing period and you can withdraw the filing...what is the waiting period in your state ..90 days?

I can already tell she has your number...lok how she threatened you when you were going to email OM...you folded like a...IDk a book.

My point is have your say with her now but the next day you have go see a lawyer.....I mean come hasnpt she heard this all before?
Meaning, don't mention anything? File first THEN have the discussion I posted?
 
#184 ·
Have this discussion if it makes you feel better, but maybe I'm wrong, but hasnt everything already been said?

Go ahead and let her know you are done negogiating and restae your boundries and the consequences...she already knows what she is doing you don't have to prove anything to her other then you are moving on. I would even go down the this road but if you need to get managed one more time by your wife so she can continue to cake eat then go for it.

I think she is going to eat you alive for the uptenth time IDk. But go ahead lay it all out there been thats it.

Do you really see her turning around after another discussion?

If your not sure then do it for your self and see what happens one of two things are going to happen, she will tell you its all good and you will believe her or she will tell you to pound sand you will have your confirmation what your next step is.
 
#187 ·
I reread it again and to me it still sound like you are giving her an option.

You need to let her know that there are no more options. You need answers, and you need your boundries respected.

Stop going over old news, she needs to see a new Crossmyheart that is done negotiating for her.

get it out of your head that divorce is the last option, but a action that you need to take.




Just prepare your self to have her call you on it.... she still sees the same old Crossmyheart so keep that in mind.
 
#190 ·
Modify you list as recommended print it out set her down and have her write out her answers. Any refusal just tell her and other man to get their lawyers.

Write it out because you cannot trust yourself to stay the course. No time to think about it, she will use that to wear you down/bluff you.

Also if she refuse or answers wrongly email him immediately. Do you know what church this "Christian"goes to?
 
#192 ·
You should only be concerned with why she did what she did if your intention is to stay married to her. If you have settled on divorce then don't bother asking her anything - you will only get lies.

The alternative is this.

Email OM and tell him that if he contacts your wife in any form or fashion you will take that as an attack on your family and your marriage and you will respond appropriately.

Then tell her what you have done. Ask her if she is going to divorce you as she threatened or not. Either way you have your answer to the most important question which is - does he mean more to her that you and your marriage?

If she is remorseful and apologizes for the pain she has caused you and says she wants to work on the marriage - that is the time to explore why she did what she did and establish boundaries so it do not happen again.

Good luck.
 
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