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EA and maybe more - Falling apart!!!

60K views 254 replies 37 participants last post by  Crossmyheart 
#1 ·
Never thought I would end up in a forum like this. My hands are shaking as I write. My scenario is so VAST and messy that I could write a novel of whats transpired between my W and I. I'll try to sum up as best as I can...

Back in July, the worst day of my life came to be; I was notified at my doorstep by the police that my older sister was killed in a car accident. I'm not going into details, but it still hurts to this day. The only reason I'm even mentioning this is for background info of my state of mind.

Here's what my family life is like... I've been with my W for 6+ years, been married just over a year; August 2011. We have 4 kids. She has 2 twin boys (age 12) from a previous relationship, but they call me Dad and hardly ever see their "biological father". We also have 2 beautiful little girls (ages 3 and 5). We both work full-time; and I just recently started working 2 nights a week at a pizza parlor for some extra money. We live on very little income. I guess you could say we're both over-worked and under-paid.

So, for me, this is when everything started to get heavy. On Sept 7 my W got a "random" friend request on Facebook. She had no idea who is was, but accepted it for some reason. This is when I got a little leery, but I trusted her so I didn't think anything of it.

I started noticing that my W started acting a little different shortly afterward, e.g. wanting to excercise, diet, wanting space. I told her my concerns regarding her new "friend". I told her I was worried they would start emailing, texting, phone conversation, etc. She told me she had NO intention of any of that. At any rate, I caught her on the phone with him one night and listened in. The conversation was quite innocent; nothing too personal. After she hung up, I confronted her about it. And she got angry and said "I don't need your permission to talk to whom I want to talk to."

Anyway, this could go on way too long, so I'll just let everyone know where I currently stand. From what I've gathered they've never met in person, though I doubt it. My W DID tell me that texting/talking to him is an escape for her since he knows very little about her, but he does know that we're married.

Occasionally, the correspondence goes away, but then the next week I'll find a recent text between them, but again its not anything very secretive. My W is so sick and tired of me constantly telling her my concerns or answering my questions that I feel I'm doing more harm than good.

The OM is FAR more successful than I ever could be. He's a firefighter/paramedic and just recently was elected to City Council. I'm an ant compared to him. He's a Christian and is single. I'm not very religious by the way and neither is my W.

I'm so torn right now. My W tells me she loves me and kisses me goodbye when I leave for work, etc. But I can't shake the thoughts in my head of what may or may not be going on between them. And please don't tell me to check phone records. I have no cell phone and she is still on her familys plan. So thats not an option of trying to find things out.

I will admit that things have died down a bit, but I'm still scared and skeptical. ANY advice is welcome, but understand I love my W with all my heart, but I can't stay feeling paranoid like this forever.
 
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#198 ·
You need the var in her car under the seat with velcro tape.

Then without any warning to her or discussion. Contact the OM and tell him to back off. Don't get into a discussion with him, do not make your case, do not ask him to do the right thing.

Tell him. He is crossing a boundary that you will not accept with your wife. Tell him to stop contact her or you will take what ever steps are appropriate to force an end to their relationship including causing any public embarrassment to him that you need to.


do not make any threats, just keep it short and simple.

edit to add: Then wait for her phone to light up, and for her to get mad. What you want is for her to go to the van to call him. That will let you hear what they are saying, and what she is willing to say to him to make it up to him.
 
#199 ·
You need the var in her car under the seat with velcro tape.
Then without any warning to her or discussion. Contact the OM and tell him to back off. Don't get into a discussion with him, do not make your case, do not ask him to do the right thing.

Tell him. He is crossing a boundary that you will not accept with your wife. Tell him to stop contact her or you will take what ever steps are appropriate to force an end to their relationship including causing any public embarrassment to him that you need to.


do not make any threats, just keep it short and simple.
Working on it. I don't have any money, but I get paid next Friday and I'll pick one up then.
 
#206 ·
My W just sent this to me... She might be trying to keep me off balance or its genuine. And though it may sound like I'm defending her, her past apologies have always been true. Just sayin'.


"I'm really sorry for everything lately. I do feel like a horrible person, but I wasn't and am not trying to hurt you. I guess I'm stubborn. Go figure.

I love you"
 
#207 · (Edited)
My W just sent this to me... She might be trying to keep me off balance or its genuine. And though it may sound like I'm defending her, her past apologies have always been true. Just sayin'.


"I'm really sorry for everything lately. I do feel like a horrible person, but I wasn't and am not trying to hurt you. I guess I'm stubborn. Go figure.

I love you"
This is your answer. Her stubborness and her satisfaction is more important than her love for hre husband. This sounds incredibly juvenile. Entitled.

So I read that she is not going to give up the other man in this. That sorry you are hurt but I want what I want. I am more important. I do not see her saying that she was wrong and that she will never be in contact with him ever again. She is stubborn and she intends to win ... even if it hurts you so be aware of that.

Look, I am all for a true reconciliation. A false one is just abuse.
 
#209 ·
Actually there is little chance that she will come clean if he asks her directly..He already did that multiple time. But the oft chance that there was nothing more to their relationship, then the repeated questions and threatening divorce over suspicions will only destroy the marriage.

Cross, first thing you do is find out the is extent of her affair on your own. This might cost you a little. VAR is the cheapest option. If she uses the home computer, get a keylogger. If she uses a smart phone find a way to retrieve deleted messages.

I am thinking that your wife was interested in him for a short while(a mini crush) but he did not return back the affections or he backed away after a while. (her discussing relationship problems with him).

You might call him and calmly discuss what kind of friendship he is having with your wife. Don't threaten violence or anything and ask him to step back as this is causing problems in your marriage.. But you might want to do this after you find the nature of their relationship by your own methods.. There was a good post on how relationship discussions turn into emotional affair..let men try to find that..
 
#211 ·
So, riddle me this one: last night my W showed interest in having sex with me! I was very excited. But when we got in bed together (3 hours later; kids finally fell asleep) she started LAUGHING and couldn't stop. She said sorry, that she loved me. I tried rubbing her back, but it ended up putting her to sleep. Another lonely night for me. Its been over 3 weeks since we've had sex. What I need to know, is why was she laughing? Thoughts, please?!?!?!
 
#214 ·
You need to be more confident about yourself and stand your ground. So what if he is making more money or is a city council. This should not make you insecure. I caught my wife in an EA and with a guy who still lives with his mom and I have my own house, cars and a career. There maybe many underlining reason why someone might cheat but nothing makes it acceptable and you should not be affraid to ask any question that pops in your mind and let her know anything that you don't find appropriate and if she simply doesnt care do anything you feel might remedy the situation without any approval even if it means making the EA public.
 
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#224 ·
Next time leave the duct tape on and you won't have this problem.LOL

Even though I think a little man handling was in order, that always seem to wipe a smile off a chicks face... but again I'm wired different then most and my thinking is more directed to the control Mrs the-guy likes. That plus its hard to laugh when you have a p......never mind. LOL
 
#228 ·
I have laughed or giggled but only when something funny happened, like falling off the bed during the act.

You're not pathetic but you are being played for a fool.
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#230 ·
I have actually laughed very inappropriately out of embarrassment. The difference is that my H very forcefully and immediately demanded to know why I was laughing. I told him right away that I was embarrassed and not laughing at him - everything past & OK. The difference is that you're not being forceful or self-assured, I think.
 
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#231 ·
Quit beating yourself up your just embarrassed by her actions, you aren't less of a man than anyone else. Just be assertive. I got to say that the first time my wife laughed at me I felt the same way you did, it's nervous giggles more than likely.
I hope you're right, but the overall recent events have taken its toll on me. All I can do is let her win. I'm used to losing anyway. Time for shutdown.
 
#236 ·
Time to things for yourself. For example, go to the gym and build up your muscle mass. Do a makeover of your clothes. Find outside interest. Take up a martial art. Start talking to other women.

So many things you can do to regain your confidence and self-respect. Dont hesitate. Take one small step at a time.
 
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