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EA and maybe more - Falling apart!!!

60K views 254 replies 37 participants last post by  Crossmyheart 
#1 ·
Never thought I would end up in a forum like this. My hands are shaking as I write. My scenario is so VAST and messy that I could write a novel of whats transpired between my W and I. I'll try to sum up as best as I can...

Back in July, the worst day of my life came to be; I was notified at my doorstep by the police that my older sister was killed in a car accident. I'm not going into details, but it still hurts to this day. The only reason I'm even mentioning this is for background info of my state of mind.

Here's what my family life is like... I've been with my W for 6+ years, been married just over a year; August 2011. We have 4 kids. She has 2 twin boys (age 12) from a previous relationship, but they call me Dad and hardly ever see their "biological father". We also have 2 beautiful little girls (ages 3 and 5). We both work full-time; and I just recently started working 2 nights a week at a pizza parlor for some extra money. We live on very little income. I guess you could say we're both over-worked and under-paid.

So, for me, this is when everything started to get heavy. On Sept 7 my W got a "random" friend request on Facebook. She had no idea who is was, but accepted it for some reason. This is when I got a little leery, but I trusted her so I didn't think anything of it.

I started noticing that my W started acting a little different shortly afterward, e.g. wanting to excercise, diet, wanting space. I told her my concerns regarding her new "friend". I told her I was worried they would start emailing, texting, phone conversation, etc. She told me she had NO intention of any of that. At any rate, I caught her on the phone with him one night and listened in. The conversation was quite innocent; nothing too personal. After she hung up, I confronted her about it. And she got angry and said "I don't need your permission to talk to whom I want to talk to."

Anyway, this could go on way too long, so I'll just let everyone know where I currently stand. From what I've gathered they've never met in person, though I doubt it. My W DID tell me that texting/talking to him is an escape for her since he knows very little about her, but he does know that we're married.

Occasionally, the correspondence goes away, but then the next week I'll find a recent text between them, but again its not anything very secretive. My W is so sick and tired of me constantly telling her my concerns or answering my questions that I feel I'm doing more harm than good.

The OM is FAR more successful than I ever could be. He's a firefighter/paramedic and just recently was elected to City Council. I'm an ant compared to him. He's a Christian and is single. I'm not very religious by the way and neither is my W.

I'm so torn right now. My W tells me she loves me and kisses me goodbye when I leave for work, etc. But I can't shake the thoughts in my head of what may or may not be going on between them. And please don't tell me to check phone records. I have no cell phone and she is still on her familys plan. So thats not an option of trying to find things out.

I will admit that things have died down a bit, but I'm still scared and skeptical. ANY advice is welcome, but understand I love my W with all my heart, but I can't stay feeling paranoid like this forever.
 
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#3 ·
So, first and foremost, explain that if she wants to stay in this marriage and make it work, then she calls him and tells him no further contact, ever. Period. This is non negotiable. If she is not willing to do that, then you have no chance of reconciling.

Read the newbies links.

No more 'family' phone plan. She gives the phone back and gets a plan where YOU have access. That is the price she pays for the choice SHE made to violate your marriage vows. You don't have a phone - does she really NEED one?

You get access to FB, email, phone, everything. No secrets. Any violation of this, deleting texts/call logs or changing passwords again and you file for divorce. Period.

This man is NOT a Christian. A Christian does NOT pursue a married woman, FFS. If I were you, I'd also call him and explain that his contact with YOUR wife is no longer acceptable.
 
#5 ·
Thanks for the suggestion. This is basically my 'Plan B'. I want to try and heal this scenario with some sensitivity. My W can be VERY emotional and by that, I mean ANGRY.

I'm currently trying to implement the 180 plan from DivorceBusters to see if I get any results.

I've done things in the past that has made her question my trust as well; so I'm trying to look at this from multiple angles. But damn, this DOES hurt.
 
#4 ·
She either cuts it off with him NOW, and proves to you she's done so, or she's outta there. She should also prove she hasn't done anything physical with him. You may want to consider gathering your own evidence in this regard - snooping emails/bank accounts/ credit cards/texts etc. Sometimes that's the only way to get a truthful answer.

Please read the Newbie link in my sig.

Oh, and get this book

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

I am so sorry you're here :( Sadly there are many of us.
 
#25 ·
Than just go meet the guy. Man up, email or call him. Have coffee and share your issues. He may truly be just a friend. If the meeting seems as if he is trying to hide something than your gut should listen. Any friends of your wife should be able to be friends of yours as well - if she blocks this or gives some bogus reason not to - she is hiding something.
I have male friends who I have known for years since college. I have private conversations with them all the time but they are in other states, married, and we are not trying to hook up...if this is the case with your wife - call her on it. Meet the man. Talk like men and get it over with.
 
#8 ·
Your wife is the one who needs to tell him she will no longer be contacting him. With you as witness. Please read the info about No Contact in the newbie link.

Is he married or in a relationship? If your wife refuses to go NC, contacting his SO, once you have evidence, is a good idea.
 
#10 ·
There is no going soft here. look into yourself for your boundaries and be prepared to keep them.

If you loved someone so much that you would do anything for them, then what would be the big deal of giving up a "friend" of the opposite sex?

I have. Plenty of times. Even same sex friends. If my wife ever voiced concern over them or their character, they were gone. My friends would never come before my wife.

We may sit down after all was said and done and get to the bottom of some things, like why she didn't like them, what she knew or suspected, or what she was fearful of.

But since I don't believe opposite sexes can EVER be friends, I would say she is having an emotional affair at best, physical affair at worst. The more she fights to keep him, the stronger their affair bond. IMHO.
 
#11 ·
CMH,

It breaks our hearts to see a new poster with the same terrible story to tell....

Follow the advice to set some boundries NOW! Hang tough.

Whatever happens know that you will survive! Read, exercise, do all of those things. Be strong toward her. If she continues to crap on you, be able to say good-bye.

Bar none it is the hardest experience you can go through, if it goes south, but YOU will be ok in the end.

God bless you. There are wonderful people that you will discover through this journey.
 
#12 ·
You say he's more successful, that says to me he has a lot to loose from exposure.


1. Are you sure he is single?
2. Good Christian men do not randomly friend women on Fp
3. They don't put time and effort into developing a relationship with a married woman.

I don't agree with your therapist entirely. What does the therapist suggest that you learn to happy for your wife?

I'd certainly put a var where she talks to him, and key log the pc, you need to find out what is going on between them,
 
#40 ·
I know what you feel like walking around on tippy toes afraid to disturb the bear but really you HAVE to ask the questions you need to ask. If she gets mad then guess what, she's knows its wrong and doesnt want to be questioned about it. If its innocent why doesnt she talk to you about their conversations, invite him to dinner, etc?
 
#23 ·
If you're going to start gathering evidence, don't say a thing. Just leave her alone. She'll probably breathe a sigh of relief and might become bolder. Or it might set her spidey senses off and make her start hiding things more. Hard to say. She might not even notice.

As for why, I am sorry to say many of us never get a satisfactory answer to that.

Just concentrate on you right now. Make sure to eat, try to sleep, get some exercise. Be patient. And keep posting.
 
#27 ·
She just flip-flops so much! Right now, she's being kinda quiet about "Us", but still tells me she loves me. Kisses me goodbye and hugs me firmly. She even suggested a date night for us last week, which we're still trying to do. Probably this weekend, but I can't shake the notion that she is up to something. Argh! This is SO PAINFUL AND FRUSTRATING!
 
#34 ·
DO NOT CONTACT THIS POS!!

You may feel better and even think you accomplished something. But this guy could not give two hoots for the pain you are in or how you feel. Again - he cares NOTHING about you at all! Talking to him can do absolutely no good.

The only thing that contacting him will do is make your wife mad when he asks her what kind of nut she married.

I would not even confront her or ask her questions without some evidence. If she is in an affair, EA or PA, she will lie to you. Nothing accomplished there except now she will be more careful to hide things.

Evidence. VAR looks to be the best route for you now.
 
#32 ·
It's possible but highly unlikely that he just randomly friended her.

Things you should find out . BTW do not scream, shake, get red in the face etc when you speak to her. Stay calm. Let your fingernails push into your palms if you have to. Don't lose it in front of her - no pleading, begging, crying etc. I'm very serious.

What you need to find out:
Where did he know her from? It's not likely she was a random choice on fb

What is his reason for contacting her?

Her reason for making friends with a stranger? (yeah forget the crap about city council - he's still a stranger and politicians go to 'church' regularly - doubt most are devout though)

Do they have friends in common? Who?

If she becomes defensive tell her that as head of household, and as a man who works two jobs to sustain his family you have a right to know. If she doesn't think so, tell her then she has little respect for your position - and leave it at that. Remain silent.

Let her think it over.

In the meantime be working on yourself with the 180. Eat healthy, rest as much as you can. Let her initiate the next conversation over this issue and demand answers. When you get them now or later, tell her you don't want her to friend males you don't know. Not at all. Not negotiable.

When she tells you you don't own her or that you are trying to control her. Tell her you have no control or ownership over her. But you have responsibilities as a father and husband and that she has responsibilities as a mother and wife. One of those responsibilities is honoring each other. When one makes a request or has a concern it should be discussed and a solution should be mutually agreed on.

At present you have a concern over your marriage. You will honor your responsibilities. Remain silent.

keep posting. As I said it may be nothing but many affairs start that way and this looks like one of those.
 
#33 ·
Yes, the 180 is extremely helpful.

And get Not Just Friends. So many of the questions you have are answered in that book. You might be able to find a free copy online even. It's surprising what books I have found for free.

You have every right to be nervous. You are probably about to find out your wife is having at least an EA. When I decided to dig through my husbands emails, my heart was pounding so hard I thought my chest would burst.

The VAR is a great idea too.

And do some careful reading of all the links here. So many people have been in your shoes.

As for being your 'guiding light' I'm not an expert, just someone who's been through it and seen a lot of others on here go through it too, sorry to say. I'm around as much as I can be but I tend to be gone for days at a time sometimes. But feel free to PM me any time you like, it might take me a few days to get back to you but I will.

I really think you need to go silent on her and start gathering evidence as much as you can.
 
#37 ·
Sorry to read about your issues at the moment. You sound like a great husband and father, taking on extra work to keep the family afloat.

Your wife, OTOH, apparently doesn't always get things right as you say her twins no longer have contact with their biological father. And now she's chasing some other guy.

Based on the few facts here, it could be that she is in a one sided EA with him. Getting the 7 year itch so to speak and liking the (electronic) attention that he is giving her.

People need to be careful about this stuff. There was a thread on here about a month ago about a guy who frequented a bar; gave the bar tender his cellphone number "because he entered some joint lottery / sports fund and she could call him if it wins." Then the bar tender started texting him getting him into the bar while she was there during the slow times, I guess it bumped up her tips......and sales of beverages.

Perhaps this guy since he ran for a local public office, was just looking for "likes" on his business page.......

In any case, your wife is bleeding valuable resources out of the relationship (time and attention). It's not fair to you nor to your children.

Do not accept the offer of a separation.........so that she can check this guy out while you remain her safety net. If she insists, file for divorce and let her contemplate what might happen next.......like being out on her ear.

don't put yourself down. You are good man; you put your family first; you are a father to ALL four of the children. you work the extra hours when it's needed. Not a lot of people will take on that responsibility.

And like others, for you two to stay together, accept nothing less than full transparency. as someone else mentioned, perhaps a one on one with this guy might help. It is possible that he only wanted her vote and nothing more.
 
#41 ·
Sorry to read about your issues at the moment. You sound like a great husband and father, taking on extra work to keep the family afloat.

Your wife, OTOH, apparently doesn't always get things right as you say her twins no longer have contact with their biological father. And now she's chasing some other guy.

don't put yourself down. You are good man; you put your family first; you are a father to ALL four of the children. you work the extra hours when it's needed. Not a lot of people will take on that responsibility.
Thank you for the compliment NextTime. Its actually quite gratifying receiving compliments from those you hardly even know. And (honestly) I'm not a very internet savvy person OR familiar with acronyms. So I have to ask, what does "OTOH" stand for???
 
#38 ·
Okay, well not much to update currently. I had a long day/night. Anyway, I came home (brought my wife a slice of pizza. I know being "nice" doesn't help my case) and managed to kiss my little girls good night before they fell asleep. My wife didn't seem cold to me. I approached her after I got in the door and she looked at me and said, "I love you" which she has kinda been saying a LITTLE more than normal, then gave me a little kiss. My mind was racing, but I cooled down shortly thereafter.

Before we went to bed, I (randomly) asked if she's heard from the OM. She said "No." Now before everyone believes she's lying (which she could be), she hasn't really hidden much from me regarding him. She even told me about his friend request on FB the day he sent it. When I caught her on the phone with him about a month ago, she wasn't exactly TRYING to be quiet, since I could hear her from downstairs.

Anyway, because I'm such a wimp/sap, I gave her a foot rub since she wasn't feeling well while she lay in bed. After, she started to fall asleep, but I (of course) couldn't. I said to her, "I know I'm the not the worlds best husband, but I give my best effort." To which she replied, "I know. I love you."

I'm wondering if all the talks I HAD with her brought her to some kind of self exposure OR it made her to become more secretive. But to be fair, she doesn't guard her phone anymore like its a treasure. She leaves it around the house again.

I just feel I need to have another talk with her to finalize this issue and to convince her to sever ties with the OM. Easier said than done, since she's convinced she hasn't done anything wrong.
 
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