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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 11-19-2012, 06:05 AM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated with prostitute - possibly gave pregnant wife an STD

The kind of clarity I'm starting to have now would've never been possible with him around to mess with my thoughts or with my hoping to save our marriage. In a way, I'm glad this happened. Someone was listening to my prayers.
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Old 11-19-2012, 07:18 AM   #32 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated with prostitute - possibly gave pregnant wife an STD

I went through similar. I was devastated when I found out he had been with prostitutes. I had known nothing. He was also highly manipulative and a very convincing liar. He then went around bad-mouthing me to family and friends.

It's been nearly two years. I'm now divorced. The betrayal and the lies were so hard to come to terms with. I couldn't believe a person could be so non-empathetic.

I still go for counseling. That has really helped.

Wishing you strength to get over this.
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Old 11-19-2012, 07:21 AM   #33 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated with prostitute - possibly gave pregnant wife an STD

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I went through similar. I was devastated when I found out he had been with prostitutes. I had known nothing. He was also highly manipulative and a very convincing liar. He then went around bad-mouthing me to family and friends.

It's been nearly two years. I'm now divorced. The betrayal and the lies were so hard to come to terms with. I couldn't believe a person could be so non-empathetic.

I still go for counseling. That has really helped.

Wishing you strength to get over this.

Do you think there was anything you could've done differently to preserve yourself and your image during the divorce?
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Old 11-19-2012, 11:06 AM   #34 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated with prostitute - possibly gave pregnant wife an STD

You're on the right path to leave and start a new life. I highly recommend a therapist to help since he'll continue to get nasty throughout the divorce.

Keep in mind that this man knowingly endangered the life of his unborn child. That is NOT a good father. What other types of risks will he take with them?

Get a really good attorney and do NOT cut him any slack. What he has done to you and your family is heinous.
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Old 11-19-2012, 11:20 AM   #35 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated with prostitute - possibly gave pregnant wife an STD

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Do you think there was anything you could've done differently to preserve yourself and your image during the divorce?
You could always put him on cheaterville.com. I'm almost 100% sure from what you've written here that you will not have the stomach or heart for this, but it would definitely take the wind out of his sails when it came to refashioning history to his own liking & then convincing everyone and his brother that he's the victim.
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Old 11-19-2012, 11:20 AM   #36 (permalink)
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Hi all, I’ve been reading this forum for a little while now and, unfortunately, have to come here for some support.




After putting my daughter down for her afternoon nap, he sat next to me on the couch and had the saddest look on his face. I braced myself. My heart was pounding and I thought I was not going to make it through whatever he had to say. For a second there I think I had an out of body experience just looking at his face. But confess he did. He saw a prostitute after one of our fights. At first he didn’t remember when, but later confessed it had been when I was pregnant. He said it was only once, the sex was horrible and the whole thing disgusting. He has said this before about prostitutes. I don’t believe that for a second..
Don't allow him to lie to you and himself. He enjoyed the prostitute, when they had sex. He may feel ashamed afterwards, but while they are engaged in the sex he loved it. Perhaps because it was something strange and new or perhaps because he feels it's dirty and disgusting and that enthralls him.

He needs to face this part of himself.

For me the prostitutes and the affair was about the strange and new. Both the prostitute and my affair partner really liked down and dirty sex. The type my wife did not like. My wife wanted romance. The prostitutes would just present their rear and let me put in anywhere I wanted. The affair partner was the same way. Surprisingly, she constantly seemed to be ready for sex anytime anywhere. She needed no foreplay to let me go at her, and she seemed to love it, no matter what type of sex it was or which orifice I chose. She was a lot less work than my wife and it was a different type of sex. I am still a pig, and now my wife has left me.
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Old 11-19-2012, 12:35 PM   #37 (permalink)
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You could always put him on cheaterville.com. I'm almost 100% sure from what you've written here that you will not have the stomach or heart for this, but it would definitely take the wind out of his sails when it came to refashioning history to his own liking & then convincing everyone and his brother that he's the victim.
I'm in Brazil, I don't think that would work. Family and friends are where it's at, but I've already been so mentally abused that I almost want to make a quiet escape without much of a fuss. He might retaliate pretty badly.
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Old 11-19-2012, 12:40 PM   #38 (permalink)
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I'm in Brazil, I don't think that would work. Family and friends are where it's at, but I've already been so mentally abused that I almost want to make a quiet escape without much of a fuss. He might retaliate pretty badly.
Definitely expose his behavior to both sides of the family and to your friends. He seems like the type to become even more abusive and manipulative so that will help you gain their support.

Think long term - 'not much of a fuss' doesn't help you with supporting your children. I cannot say it enough, get a really good attorney.
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Old 11-19-2012, 12:51 PM   #39 (permalink)
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Don't allow him to lie to you and himself. He enjoyed the prostitute, when they had sex. He may feel ashamed afterwards, but while they are engaged in the sex he loved it. Perhaps because it was something strange and new or perhaps because he feels it's dirty and disgusting and that enthralls him.

He needs to face this part of himself.

For me the prostitutes and the affair was about the strange and new. Both the prostitute and my affair partner really liked down and dirty sex. The type my wife did not like. My wife wanted romance. The prostitutes would just present their rear and let me put in anywhere I wanted. The affair partner was the same way. Surprisingly, she constantly seemed to be ready for sex anytime anywhere. She needed no foreplay to let me go at her, and she seemed to love it, no matter what type of sex it was or which orifice I chose. She was a lot less work than my wife and it was a different type of sex. I am still a pig, and now my wife has left me.
You know... I think the betrayals were a blessing in disguise. I am just glad to be able to free myself from mental/emotional abuse. There was much more going on, obviously, and I was in pain for much of our relationship without realizing wher eit had been coming from. But cheating is tangible, so there's no second guessing myself there as there was in the rest of the relationship.

I totally get it about the rough sex, but with his premature ejaculation there wasn't much enjoyment to be had. "I'm sorry, honey" was an integral part of our sex life.

The other strange thing is that, according to him, he never masturbated. I wonder if that was a lie or if he just saw prostitutes when he was single or wasn't gettng enough from a girlfriend to "relieve himself".

Forgot to add: I'm sorry your wife left. Well, not really... but I understand how devastating this must be to you, and I do empathize.

Last edited by SandyD; 11-19-2012 at 01:00 PM.
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Old 11-19-2012, 02:10 PM   #40 (permalink)
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You know... I think the betrayals were a blessing in disguise. I am just glad to be able to free myself from mental/emotional abuse. There was much more going on, obviously, and I was in pain for much of our relationship without realizing wher eit had been coming from. But cheating is tangible, so there's no second guessing myself there as there was in the rest of the relationship.

I totally get it about the rough sex, but with his premature ejaculation there wasn't much enjoyment to be had. "I'm sorry, honey" was an integral part of our sex life.

The other strange thing is that, according to him, he never masturbated. I wonder if that was a lie or if he just saw prostitutes when he was single or wasn't gettng enough from a girlfriend to "relieve himself".

Forgot to add: I'm sorry your wife left. Well, not really... but I understand how devastating this must be to you, and I do empathize.
I don't expect you to feel sorry for me but thanks for the empathy. It is beyond kind.

If there was other abuse going on and your sex life was crummy, I do not blame you for leaving. I don't blame my wife for leaving me either. I was acting like a jerk. My wife did nothing wrong and was and is a good person.

It's possible your husband strayed because of his premature ejaculation. It's common for a guy having sexual difficulties to want to test himself with someone new. The sad part is that the newness might override his problems, at least in the beginning until the newness wears off. Sorry you had to deal with that.
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Old 11-19-2012, 02:16 PM   #41 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated with prostitute - possibly gave pregnant wife an STD

Husband just sent me a txt:

"please forgive me. I feel like garbage. It's only been a day but it feels like a month. I can't stop crying and beating myself for what I've done. I dont want to lose my family and the womn I love... so sorry."

Am I the only one who gets the impression that he just doesn't get it? Why so much focus on him and what he wants? Does he really expect me to snap a finger and be fine with it so he can feel better? He never even came totally clean with his past betrayals, he just coveniently forgot everything...

I shot his family, including brother and sister-in-law, an email detailing extactly what had happened and asked them to support him during this difficult time. I feel bad for it, like I'm opening a can of really ugly worms and humiliating my husband, but I didn't do anything wrong and he has badmouthed me for sooooo much less and never flinched. Still, I flinch. Ugh. Sucks having empathy.
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Old 11-19-2012, 02:20 PM   #42 (permalink)
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I need anti-empathy counseling. Please someone beat this into my head. I am the queen of taking blame so other people don't hurt. I never get it in return though.
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Old 11-19-2012, 02:26 PM   #43 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated with prostitute - possibly gave pregnant wife an STD

Every time you feel guilty about something, ask yourself, 'Did I cause this?'.

When he says things like that to you, don't reply or get sucked in to it. Just tell him that you're working on forgiving him but that you have to do what is right for you and your happiness now. If he persists, I would tell him that HE made the choices to betray your marriage.

Forgiving him will come in time for your own healing but forgetting, well, that's another story.
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Old 11-19-2012, 02:28 PM   #44 (permalink)
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It's common for a guy having sexual difficulties to want to test himself with someone new. The sad part is that the newness might override his problems, at least in the beginning until the newness wears off. Sorry you had to deal with that.
Remorseful... I don't think my husband has ever not had P.E. with anyone, not with a new partner and not with an established one. If anything, he said that doing it more often would help. Trust me, it does not. I can only imagine how much bang he got for his buck with the prostitutes.... easy money for them.
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Old 11-19-2012, 02:30 PM   #45 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated with prostitute - possibly gave pregnant wife an STD

Could it be that he cheated with a "non-professional" woman rather than a prostitute? I say that because if you have an STD, that would imply unprotected sex. I would assume he would not be so stupid as to have unprotected sex with a prostitute (or, alternatively, a prostitute would demand some protection from her clients). However, we have seen countless threads where cheaters engage in unprotected sex during the affair.
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