Hi all, I’ve been reading this forum for a little while now and, unfortunately, have to come here for some support.
I’ve been married to my husband for 4 years, together for almost 8, and there have been a lot of trust issues throughout our marriage. Basically, my husband has lied from day 1. Literally. We have a 2 year-old daughter and I am 3 months pregnant with number 2. Two months ago, after I stumbled upon incriminating evidence, he confessed to a few betrayals from the time we were dating. He never came completely clean and claims to have “forgotten” what happened since it wasn’t important and he was drunk. He remembered a lot of irrelevant details, though, like who was there, what they said, drank and the setting, just not much about the women and what happened. Selective amnesia? His stories also changed a lot, and the more I pressed, the more he would confess, contradicting his initial story. It was like pulling teeth. He even pulled out a piece of paper to draw the whole thing out since he couldn’t keep the story straight. It was ridiculous. I never felt he came completely clean. But he reassured me over and over - while looking me straight in the eye - that he never cheated on me after we got married. I thought that was weird... so he respected a piece of paper but not me?
Our marriage is not a very healthy one, we went to counseling but that didnt work. He is an extremely passive-agressive nice guy who constantly acted out little revenges on me, agreed to do something and then would break his word, constantly threw me under the bus with his parents and friends, never talked to me about whatever issues he had with me, etc etc. Too much stuff to list here. I did my best these last 8 years, trying as hard as I could to rebuild trust and have a real marriage. I am not perfect and am aware of my contributions to this mess.
We went for a 2-year dry spell starting when I was 4 or 5 months pregnant with our first, initiated by him. I always tried to talk about it and ask him to work with me to re-establish our sex life. He would blame for not wanting sex and that was the end of it. He never did anything about it. Just recently he confessed it wasn’t my fault, and that he would just resort to porn and masturbation to “relieve himself” because he didn’t feel like doing “all the work” to have sex with me, which I guess meant my requests for foreplay and romance so we could re-establish our connection.
Yesterday I had to see my OB because of strange symptoms. Chlamydia was brought up as a possibility, but I am only getting tested tomorrow. On the car drive back home he mentioned using public toilets and how sometimes his penis would touch the toilet bowl. He was already trying to excuse himself. I have suspected my husband of cheating with prostitutes but he has always denied it. I told him if I tested positive for an STD, I would know he had cheated. He looked me straight in the eye and again said he never did, that I knew all there was to know. He looked guilty though and started researching chlamydia, saying that maybe he got something from his ex 10 years ago. He was trying hard to prove this was not something recent. I tested twice for chlamydia during my last pregnancy and both were negative, so there was no way he could’ve had it for 10 years and not given it to me. Plus, if he caught chlamydia, it's possible the whole family is HIV+ now. I will find out soon. I cannot believe this.
After putting my daughter down for her afternoon nap, he sat next to me on the couch and had the saddest look on his face. I braced myself. My heart was pounding and I thought I was not going to make it through whatever he had to say. For a second there I think I had an out of body experience just looking at his face. But confess he did. He saw a prostitute after one of our fights. At first he didn’t remember when, but later confessed it had been when I was pregnant. He said it was only once, the sex was horrible and the whole thing disgusting. He has said this before about prostitutes. I don’t believe that for a second. He’s lied so many times, I’m jaded. I think it was way more than once. And I think he also had a thing with a former co-worker, which he denies as well. He’s only confessed to dirty deeds after I shoved evidence in his face, and would only come clean as far as the evidence. Never did tell me the whole story about anything, or volunteer information. I shudder to imagine how many things I’ll never find evidence for and that I’ll never know.
A strange calm came over me. I guess I was in shock. He started bawling and threw up. I never involve other people in our issues, I respected him too much and felt too shamed, but this time I called my family and told them everything. I didn’t want to go through this alone. They were, of course, disgusted.
All he could say was “I’m sorry” in a really monotone voice. He asked me to forgive him, he asked me to try again. He said he was happier with me now (WTF??). He said we were making progress and getting to a better place.
He left last evening. I worry about him and am entertaining calling his parents to come out here to support him during this time. I don’t hate him. I am just really sad he made the choices he did and that he killed our dreams. I am grieving, but I think I’ve already been grieving for a long time. I feel sorry for him because I wouldn’t want to be in his shoes right now. He’ll have to carry this for the rest of his life. I also don’t blame myself for any of this and for not believing my gut. He led me on, he deceived me. He did this, not me.
I intend to divorce. I am doing ok, but I’m scared this will hit me strong tomorrow or next week. I’m hoping it doesn’t break me. I’ve been entertaining divorce for soooooo long now, but always had so many doubts, always thought maybe it was me and I couldn’t let a marriage end over my own issues. Now it just seems like the right thing to do and, in a way, I’m relieved to have a clean way out.
Right now I do think we’ll be able to forge a semi-decent co-parenting relationship. Despite all he has done, he is an above average father and has pretty good qualities as a human being. Just not as a husband. Or maybe I’m just in a haze and the anger will hit me full-force in a bit. I guess I need some support and to know what to expect, as well as tips to remain strong.
Thank you all for reading.
I’ve been married to my husband for 4 years, together for almost 8, and there have been a lot of trust issues throughout our marriage. Basically, my husband has lied from day 1. Literally. We have a 2 year-old daughter and I am 3 months pregnant with number 2. Two months ago, after I stumbled upon incriminating evidence, he confessed to a few betrayals from the time we were dating. He never came completely clean and claims to have “forgotten” what happened since it wasn’t important and he was drunk. He remembered a lot of irrelevant details, though, like who was there, what they said, drank and the setting, just not much about the women and what happened. Selective amnesia? His stories also changed a lot, and the more I pressed, the more he would confess, contradicting his initial story. It was like pulling teeth. He even pulled out a piece of paper to draw the whole thing out since he couldn’t keep the story straight. It was ridiculous. I never felt he came completely clean. But he reassured me over and over - while looking me straight in the eye - that he never cheated on me after we got married. I thought that was weird... so he respected a piece of paper but not me?
Our marriage is not a very healthy one, we went to counseling but that didnt work. He is an extremely passive-agressive nice guy who constantly acted out little revenges on me, agreed to do something and then would break his word, constantly threw me under the bus with his parents and friends, never talked to me about whatever issues he had with me, etc etc. Too much stuff to list here. I did my best these last 8 years, trying as hard as I could to rebuild trust and have a real marriage. I am not perfect and am aware of my contributions to this mess.
We went for a 2-year dry spell starting when I was 4 or 5 months pregnant with our first, initiated by him. I always tried to talk about it and ask him to work with me to re-establish our sex life. He would blame for not wanting sex and that was the end of it. He never did anything about it. Just recently he confessed it wasn’t my fault, and that he would just resort to porn and masturbation to “relieve himself” because he didn’t feel like doing “all the work” to have sex with me, which I guess meant my requests for foreplay and romance so we could re-establish our connection.
Yesterday I had to see my OB because of strange symptoms. Chlamydia was brought up as a possibility, but I am only getting tested tomorrow. On the car drive back home he mentioned using public toilets and how sometimes his penis would touch the toilet bowl. He was already trying to excuse himself. I have suspected my husband of cheating with prostitutes but he has always denied it. I told him if I tested positive for an STD, I would know he had cheated. He looked me straight in the eye and again said he never did, that I knew all there was to know. He looked guilty though and started researching chlamydia, saying that maybe he got something from his ex 10 years ago. He was trying hard to prove this was not something recent. I tested twice for chlamydia during my last pregnancy and both were negative, so there was no way he could’ve had it for 10 years and not given it to me. Plus, if he caught chlamydia, it's possible the whole family is HIV+ now. I will find out soon. I cannot believe this.
After putting my daughter down for her afternoon nap, he sat next to me on the couch and had the saddest look on his face. I braced myself. My heart was pounding and I thought I was not going to make it through whatever he had to say. For a second there I think I had an out of body experience just looking at his face. But confess he did. He saw a prostitute after one of our fights. At first he didn’t remember when, but later confessed it had been when I was pregnant. He said it was only once, the sex was horrible and the whole thing disgusting. He has said this before about prostitutes. I don’t believe that for a second. He’s lied so many times, I’m jaded. I think it was way more than once. And I think he also had a thing with a former co-worker, which he denies as well. He’s only confessed to dirty deeds after I shoved evidence in his face, and would only come clean as far as the evidence. Never did tell me the whole story about anything, or volunteer information. I shudder to imagine how many things I’ll never find evidence for and that I’ll never know.
A strange calm came over me. I guess I was in shock. He started bawling and threw up. I never involve other people in our issues, I respected him too much and felt too shamed, but this time I called my family and told them everything. I didn’t want to go through this alone. They were, of course, disgusted.
All he could say was “I’m sorry” in a really monotone voice. He asked me to forgive him, he asked me to try again. He said he was happier with me now (WTF??). He said we were making progress and getting to a better place.
He left last evening. I worry about him and am entertaining calling his parents to come out here to support him during this time. I don’t hate him. I am just really sad he made the choices he did and that he killed our dreams. I am grieving, but I think I’ve already been grieving for a long time. I feel sorry for him because I wouldn’t want to be in his shoes right now. He’ll have to carry this for the rest of his life. I also don’t blame myself for any of this and for not believing my gut. He led me on, he deceived me. He did this, not me.
I intend to divorce. I am doing ok, but I’m scared this will hit me strong tomorrow or next week. I’m hoping it doesn’t break me. I’ve been entertaining divorce for soooooo long now, but always had so many doubts, always thought maybe it was me and I couldn’t let a marriage end over my own issues. Now it just seems like the right thing to do and, in a way, I’m relieved to have a clean way out.
Right now I do think we’ll be able to forge a semi-decent co-parenting relationship. Despite all he has done, he is an above average father and has pretty good qualities as a human being. Just not as a husband. Or maybe I’m just in a haze and the anger will hit me full-force in a bit. I guess I need some support and to know what to expect, as well as tips to remain strong.
Thank you all for reading.