Ok, everyone. I am going to try and make this as simple as possible, while adding as many details as I can. I found this website today, I wish I had done so years ago. I hope it helps someone else see the light.
Here’s my story.
I am 27 years old. I married at the age of 22, less than a year since I had gotten out of the military. I met H while we were in the service. In 2006, during my second tour in Iraq, I went on leave for two weeks, when I returned I looked through my pc’s history. I found three pages worth of searches for sex vacations, ‘single men’ vacations, and escort sites in both our home state and the state we were stationed in when not deployed. I immediately broke up with him. That same day he begged and pleaded and said that he only went to those pages out of curiosity. I took him back, that my friends, was error 1. Error 2 was getting engaged upon our return from war, and error 3 was telling everyone right away that I was going to get married, had I not told everyone right away I would’ve maybe had the guts to break it off.
In 2007, he was due to get out 3months before me from the service. When I got out and came to our new apartment, I decided to search his pc one day. I immediately found escort sites, and the like in the history section. It was just what I had feared in 2006. I left the apt but returned a week later. I knew something was off, but went on with the wedding plans. I knew no one in the area, I didn’t know how to get around, and had not yet found a job. He used that to his advantage. When he would take off at night or not show up, I had no idea where he went…until I got smart and started hacking into things. I looked at his CC statement and one day found a charge for $325 x2 for a nearby stripclub, so I checked his phone log for the same night, and found a number, searched it and It matched an escort service, I also found a hotel room receipt for the same night, as well as an atm withdrawal. He was very ‘sorry’ and could not believe what he had done..etc. Yet til this day, does not admit to sleeping with someone. WTH!?!?
In 2008, We got married. I had a bad feeling about it. My best friend, who is a male, warned me that it would be worse to get divorced later on. I felt that I could not bare the gossiping and talking about how my wedding was cancelled and what not. My wedding was NOT the happiest day of my life! He got drunk before, and during the wedding, on our way back he was throwing up from the limo window. It was only the beginning of my embarrassment. As 2008 went on, I kept checking things, I found more strip club charges. One day he saw I opened a random letter he got in the mail, and he got really furious. I then also saw that he was getting booklets mailed to him with phone sex advertisements and stuff. I thought this is weird. He said he didn’t know why he was getting them! The more he ran off at night or stayed out drinking after work, the more time I had to snoop. I went on adultfriendfinder and entered his email and clicked that I had forgotten the password, because that way if he had an account there, a temporary password would be sent. And it was! I hacked into it, and found ads by him searching for tons of women to have threesomes, phone sex, online sex, etc. I then went to a video website for live sex vid chats and did the same thing….of course he had an account there too!!
In 2008 my mother had surgery, I left home for a few days, when I returned, I went through his phone and found calls to a vulgar phone number I wont post, and I called it, it was a sex line. Well, two of them. And the pc had more escort searches!
By then I had enrolled in college and had found a job. Both full time. My grades took a serious hit when all this began to unravel. I wish I hadn’t had a job so that I could have left, I was beginning to get very ill. My body ached, I was having panic attacks, migraines, no energy and numbing but I didn’t know why.
Long story short, the years passed and the things continued. I filed everything in a folder I still have.
In 2011, I got pregnant. I miscarried in my 3rd month. About 2-3 weeks after that he didn’t come home one night, I got a text at 3am saying that he would be working a double. At 5am his family called, I didn’t know what was happening, I called back and was told that he was in the hospital. I immediately thought he had an accident at work. Well,…… he didn’t. He was at a strip club, they called the police and had an ambulance take him to the hospital for intoxication. When his family brought him home, no one told me anything, as he laid in bed drunk, I went through his phone and found tons of searches for escorts on craigslist. I then found a call at 4am to a prostitute, which lasted 2 mins! Enough time to arrange something. I called the bank and pretended to be him, they listed several transactions of $1,200 each at a ‘steak place’. So I called the ‘steak place’ and they told me it was a strip club which also served food and that their VIP rooms cost $1,200. He spent over $6k that night. He emptied the account. His phone also had calls to the bank which he had to make so the transactions could keep going through. Which proves he was not too out of It, not to know what he was doing.
After that, I told him to find a therapist, a month and a half later he still couldn’t get ahold of one. Another lie. So I did. We went and 19 months later, which is now, she has yet to tell him he’s an alcoholic or sex addict. Since starting therapy I lost a second pregnancy. He was totally unmoved. I became weary of the therapist when she kept suggesting I get pregnant, despite me losing two pregnancies and him still being a heavy drinker. She suggested we go away on vacation, we did, and he drank himself silly every day and looked at other women right in front of my face. It was a nightmare of a vacation. She kept telling me he loved me, and he til this day says he doesn’t remember, or doesn’t know anything. That’s his answer for everything he is asked about what he did!! There is more to this story, but this is long enough of a post.
My point? I have experienced what I believe have been mental breakdowns. I have been prescribed Xanax. I’ve become so numb because of everything. I am so tired of hearing ‘Sorry’, ‘I love you’, ‘I don’t remember’, ‘I don’t know’, ‘Have a baby’, that I just cant take it anymore. Today when I found this page, I realized how similar other stories are to mine. I obviously cannot love this person. This month I quit going to counseling because he wont answer anything that matters. I have been searching for a reason Why? For years. I don’t think I am ever going to get it. I feel that I deserve better. It’s scary because I just graduated college, my previous job burned down, I now want a job in my field and I think I need a new life.
My question is, What do you guys think of all this? Isn’t it obvious the I don’t remember and I don’t know’s are lies?? Why is the therapist so nonchalant about everything? I feel I can never love this man, I can’t be blamed. I am not in love anymore. Does anyone have any words of encouragement, or feedback? I feel so dumb for taking so long to see the truth, but I NEED to move on. I feel that I cant take this happening to me one more time. There is no longer one more chance left. There can’t be. I’ve been walked on for years. It feels good to finally share my story with people.
Extra info: There were times when he’d go for over a month without sleeping with me, while at the same time being such a sexually influenced person. Had I never found all those receipts/ads, he’d probably still have them online!
I feel I need a mentor, or ideas from someone who has been through this.
I have no idea why you married him, its borderline insanity.
You ignored the signs and rugswept everything cause you what didn't want to be embarrassed about nearly marrying a non marriage material husband? Who gives a crap its your life and you're the one who has to live it, not them. But now because of you wanting to protect your image you're tied up with a lousy husband and flushed five years of your life down the toiler.
While no one deserves crap like this, you honestly can't act too surprised about the bag of sh!t you find yourself in today. You jumped in headfirst.
File divorce and correct the mistake you made on the day you agree to marry him.
Plase drop that IC, get an CSAT. Vacations and getting pregnant to make stop this train wreck of a husband? Please, she need to be reported!!
He also needs a CSAT.
Hopely your CSAT will suggest you the obvious: drop the sex addict, lier of a husband you have.
Well, Once she started saying things like that, I immediately told a friend and also one of my siblings, and they too advised me to leave the therapist. Every time I mentioned why it would not be a good idea to get pregnant, she persisted with the opposite of what I would say. For example, I said, "My job burned down, I would like to be able to support myself before I bring a child into this world." and she would say, "No, It's fine, your husband can take care of you." I also mentioned my newly found anxiety disorder and she said that 'Pregnant women usually don't experience problems during their pregnancy and it may actually be chemically beneficial to me to get pregnant, because of all the new hormones and stuff.'
I felt like I sought help and then the help turned out to be garbage. I was treated like I am crazy, and I need to 'move on' from what my husband did. The therapist would ask, "Do you want to be happy or right?" and I would say, "Well, Why can't I have both?" I am not the smartest person for having stayed with this man but I am also no idiot, and I became wary of the advice I was being given.
I feel that coming to this website is really helping me. For a long time I did not tell people what I had been putting up with behind closed doors. People are telling it to me like it is, and the more I read other people's issues the more I see how many more people have the same excuses he does. There's nothing special about this problem, its just plain old cheating. What also baffles me is the fact that the therapist, in 19 months, never said to him that he is an alcoholic nor a sex addict?!?! Just adding to my confusion. She would say, 'I know he's sorry," "he loves you", and all this other ****. And yes, I have been on tons of vacations bc I guess she assumed that would fix things? Instead he acted like a drunk fool and made things worse when we went away.
Please read the newbies's thread, keep reading other threads.
Hoping this bump brings you more answers.
WOW, what a load of crap to have to live through! Im sorry you had to deal with all that. The signs were there, you just ignored them. No need to beat yourself up over it though its done. Now you need to move on and get away from him. The whole relationship has been based on lies and deceit, Im sorry!
I agree with most everyone else here. He is the same person you met and he is not going to change. He has no reason to change his habits because in some ways you have enabled his behavior. Marrying him after such inappropriate things does send him the right message. This is not your fault but you need to change the way you've been going about life if you want to be happy.
I am not a professional and my advice is just my opinion but I think there are many things within yourself that need to be addressed. Perhaps you should visit a DIFFERENT counselor just for yourself. No mentally healthy person would accept his behavior. You do not deserve this and deserve better.
Your husband MUST see a CSAT immediately. He must. He is in really deep.
You have got to get away from him. It sounds like you are experiencing PTSD and may also be co dependent. The links in my sig contain info on how to find a support group and also some books about being the spouse of a sex addict. This one I highly recommend
Thanks for the advice. I am trying to find that newbie thread someone suggested. I am also wondering what is the 180 I've seen people mention in other threads? Im not familiar with many of the abbreviations.
I got to a point that I began to think that there was something wrong with me, he wouldn't give me reasons, so I assumed I had to have done something. I then started believing that no one would like me, i was unattractive and I was stuck in my situation. I feel like I had him play many mind games with me. One day I am the love of his life and the next He doesn't come home, and I find numbers for prostitutes on his phone. It was like a horrible roller coaster. He would go through phases where he wouldn't sleep with me for over a month and then say that it was for no reason? This happened several times. Eventually, I became isolated from many friends, and family, and I started depend on him for things, which made me feel even worse.
I think that as more time continues to pass, I am more and more aware that I need to get out of here. I am slowly finding solutions to things I thought would be 'hard', or would impede me to leave. I love this site. The 180 is also helping me feel a lot better. I've established a workout routine, and I'm definitely enjoying my days more and am no longer so angry. I've noticed he did purposely do things to get a reaction out of me, and now there is no reaction. I don't have any children, I don't want to be a grown man's babysitter for the rest of my life.