Ending marriage because of H's EA
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 11-18-2012, 11:45 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Ending marriage because of H's EA

Almost a year out from D Day... Can not believe a whole year has gone by. What a waste. I'm no Pollyanna but I was happy and a good wife and a good friend to all and most importantly a good mother and compassionate and I was happy with my life. Not to say it was not without problems, but I remember laughing a lot and being light hearted and appreciative. Now, I am broken. Those who feel inclined can read my original thread... I'm too tired to write anymore about it. I'm thinking of ending my marriage now, because i said I'd wait a year to let things settle and make an informed decision, but I just can't seem to get past that the person I was closest to in my life, somehow was able to justify secretly keeping in touch with an old "friend" who found him on FB. A friendship that apparently meant so much to him, that he decided keeping it covert and keeping me in the dark was a good choice. These two never had an opportunity to meet, yet their daily communication and shared confidences and kinship have crushed me and I no longer love my H. It's just too big a leap to make any kind of excuse for him. If you truly love your spouse, you don't lie to them, do you ? Even lies of omission. He is not the man I thought he was. I am so sad. After the first of the year I will most likely file for divorce. Any one who thinks EA's are harmless are sorely mistaken.
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Old 11-18-2012, 11:55 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ending marriage because of H's EA

Wishing you all the best of luck on your journey. I am so sorry that you're dealing with this and agree 100% that EA's are very harmful to marriage and capable of causing irreversible damage.
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Old 11-19-2012, 02:11 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ending marriage because of H's EA

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Almost a year out from D Day... Can not believe a whole year has gone by. What a waste. I'm no Pollyanna but I was happy and a good wife and a good friend to all and most importantly a good mother and compassionate and I was happy with my life. Not to say it was not without problems, but I remember laughing a lot and being light hearted and appreciative. Now, I am broken. Those who feel inclined can read my original thread... I'm too tired to write anymore about it. I'm thinking of ending my marriage now, because i said I'd wait a year to let things settle and make an informed decision, but I just can't seem to get past that the person I was closest to in my life, somehow was able to justify secretly keeping in touch with an old "friend" who found him on FB. A friendship that apparently meant so much to him, that he decided keeping it covert and keeping me in the dark was a good choice. These two never had an opportunity to meet, yet their daily communication and shared confidences and kinship have crushed me and I no longer love my H. It's just too big a leap to make any kind of excuse for him. If you truly love your spouse, you don't lie to them, do you ? Even lies of omission. He is not the man I thought he was. I am so sad. After the first of the year I will most likely file for divorce. Any one who thinks EA's are harmless are sorely mistaken.
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I have read your thread, and I think you are too obsessed with the negative points of their contact.

Yes, she tried/tries to take your husband, that's obvious. But from his side not much has happened, besides him liking the attention, maybe the thrill.

If he was in a real EA, like one heading for an PA, he would have taken actions to have physical encounters, and try to get her into bed, or try to get to live with her. I see nothing of that in this case.

So I think it is possible he hid the contact because he knew you would not like him having this contact, and he did not have plans to take further steps.

Maybe you should clear yourself of the idea's you have about this, accept you might be too black and white in your thinking and start therapy together.

Get it out of your way. Give him a chance.

Best of luck,
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Old 11-19-2012, 11:08 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ending marriage because of H's EA

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Almost a year out from D Day... Can not believe a whole year has gone by. What a waste. I'm no Pollyanna but I was happy and a good wife and a good friend to all and most importantly a good mother and compassionate and I was happy with my life. Not to say it was not without problems, but I remember laughing a lot and being light hearted and appreciative. Now, I am broken. Those who feel inclined can read my original thread... I'm too tired to write anymore about it. I'm thinking of ending my marriage now, because i said I'd wait a year to let things settle and make an informed decision, but I just can't seem to get past that the person I was closest to in my life, somehow was able to justify secretly keeping in touch with an old "friend" who found him on FB. A friendship that apparently meant so much to him, that he decided keeping it covert and keeping me in the dark was a good choice. These two never had an opportunity to meet, yet their daily communication and shared confidences and kinship have crushed me and I no longer love my H. It's just too big a leap to make any kind of excuse for him. If you truly love your spouse, you don't lie to them, do you ? Even lies of omission. He is not the man I thought he was. I am so sad. After the first of the year I will most likely file for divorce. Any one who thinks EA's are harmless are sorely mistaken.
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You likely want to end it because you suspect this emotional affair was really a physical one. I agree with that thought, too. I don't know any men who would put that much emotional energy to another women unless sex was given at least sometimes. Did he take any trips without you? Was he gone all day during a weekend when she flew in. Did he go out with the boys and stay out later than usual. Women have EAs, but men don't. They want sex, if they invest time in another women. If they hadn't yet had sex, they were planning too. So you are right to be angry.

Last edited by remorseful strayer; 11-19-2012 at 01:12 PM.
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Old 11-19-2012, 06:27 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ending marriage because of H's EA

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I have read your thread, and I think you are too obsessed with the negative points of their contact.

Yes, she tried/tries to take your husband, that's obvious. But from his side not much has happened, besides him liking the attention, maybe the thrill.

If he was in a real EA, like one heading for an PA, he would have taken actions to have physical encounters, and try to get her into bed, or try to get to live with her. I see nothing of that in this case.

So I think it is possible he hid the contact because he knew you would not like him having this contact, and he did not have plans to take further steps.

Maybe you should clear yourself of the idea's you have about this, accept you might be too black and white in your thinking and start therapy together.

Get it out of your way. Give him a chance.

Best of luck,
After reading her posts I think that its a little extreme myself but we are not living her life and dont know what all has gone on behind closed doors. Although an EA is just as bad as a PA to me, it seems like she pursued him until he gave in. If he is passive and all this is so out of character for him I can easily see it happening....although not right!

I have always heard that once you've been through one divorce you are more willing to throw in the towel when things are not right. Kinda like you've been through it already and know you'll be fine so its not so hard the second time? Ive never been divorced once but thats what Ive heard from others.
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Old 11-19-2012, 10:32 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ending marriage because of H's EA

Thanks for the responses.
Yesterday was a bad day. Today, I feel more resilient and more focused on the good. Thank you to the poster from Belgium - yes, I agree I am way too focused on the negative, it's just where I end up after weeks of feeling okay - or even weeks of feeling good. Someone told me on here it's called "the roller coaster."
I guess my biggest gripe/fear is that I wonder what I might find out 2 years from now, - something else he felt he couldn't tell me. That's the trust issue. I dont like having to give it even a second thought. Either you trust - or you don't. This episode has lessened my trust in him. I've come to hate the word "compartmentalization." ugh.
I know without a doubt they never met up. We had no time apart, he doesn't go out for Boys Night's Out and he never worked late. She lives 3,000 miles away. I am just angry I guess. I would never have disrespected the marriage that way - I feel very different than I did, is all I can say. Maybe with more MC we can come through it.
A second divorce might seem easier, but the real truth is, you hope that by the time you're in your 40's, you have the skills and have learned lessons from the first failed marriage so you are actually more hopeful. I personally feel if you cant get it right after marriage number two - you should quit trying.

I do love my H. I think the OW did too. She probably built up a big fantasy in her head that they were destined to be, like some Jane Austen novel. I think she made my H feel needed and important. I think she wanted to escape her drab life. My H did post a lot of pictures of me and us and happy times on that dreaded FB. He never hid me, he always wrote thoughtful, beautiful messages about me on it - I will focus on that - someone said that maybe she wanted to live my life... possible? But come on - we all only post the best stuff on there - the best pictures etc. how could anyone confuse that with real life. By the way - we're both off FB almost a year now. Freeing!

Thanks everyone - Maybe I am over reacting and being a jerk. Day by day, I guess.
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Old 11-19-2012, 10:44 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ending marriage because of H's EA

Oh, and she never actually flew here. She wanted to, after my H reinforced that he was NEVER going to meet up with her for a reunion - her idea was to come here then - so they could "take a walk and talk." Her words...
My H told me during MC, that at that point he realized she was getting a little nutty and getting too many of her emotional needs met by him. This most likely scared my H and at that point he cooled off the communication. The last year (2011) there were only 37 texts between them and two or three phone calls. But I have no idea how many e mails. She generated all the texting and he made one call to her that year - ouch - on my birthday. What does anyone make of THAT?
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Old 11-20-2012, 08:06 AM   #8 (permalink)
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a walk and talk." Her words...
My H told me during MC, that at that point he realized she was getting a little nutty and getting too many of her emotional needs met by him. This most likely scared my H and at that point he cooled off the communication. The last year (2011) there were only 37 texts between them and two or three phone calls. But I have no idea how many e mails. She generated all the texting and he made one call to her that year - ouch - on my birthday. What does anyone make of THAT?
I strayed because I had compulsions to experience sexual variety. Some people however stray because they have built up resentments toward the spouse that they repressing. These types are often passive aggressive and run out of the house during an argument, or simply pretend to make amends to end the argument. Making contact on your birthdays, suggests, but does not prove, that he had some resentments in the marriage that he failed to address. Don't let him get away with blaming the OW. Your spouse could have shut her out immediately by never responding to her.
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Old 11-26-2012, 04:32 AM   #9 (permalink)
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My H told me during MC, that at that point he realized she was getting a little nutty and getting too many of her emotional needs met by him.

This good.

This most likely scared my H and at that point he cooled off the communication. The last year (2011) there were only 37 texts between them and two or three phone calls. But I have no idea how many e mails. She generated all the texting and he made one call to her that year

Sounds good

- ouch - on my birthday. What does anyone make of THAT?

Strange, communicate about it. Express both your feelings and validate eachothers feelings.
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Old 11-26-2012, 07:46 AM   #10 (permalink)
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I am not bothering to read your story just what is written on this thread. EA's are not PA's, and I am tired of reading how much worse they can be. Until two people in an EA profess undying love and how they are going to be together forever it is nothing more then two people sharing thoughts, hopes, aspirations, discussing families and marriages and maybe sex too (because men can't with other men in 95% of the cases).

The mob mentality on TAM also can be like a drug and I wonder if the OP has been caught up in frenzy and decided this "relationship" was much more than it was. Maybe it was on her side, but it is obvious it was not on his side.

I love my wife and she loves me, unfortunately we are not perfect and can't tell each other everything at times. My wife talks to many people and may disclose more than she would to me at times. So what????? She loves me, is married to me and we get along the vast majority of time.

Heck on top of all you have a happy life for the most part, a loving husband and are seeing a MC. What else can he do? So he talks to a woman.

Last edited by justbidingtime; 11-26-2012 at 08:00 AM.
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Old 11-26-2012, 08:17 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I am not bothering to read your story just what is written on this thread. EA's are not PA's, and I am tired of reading how much worse they can be. Until two people in an EA profess undying love and how they are going to be together forever it is nothing more then two people sharing thoughts, hopes, aspirations, discussing families and marriages and maybe sex too (because men can't with other men in 95% of the cases).

The mob mentality on TAM also can be like a drug and I wonder if the OP has been caught up in frenzy and decided this "relationship" was much more than it was. Maybe it was on her side, but it is obvious it was not on his side.

I love my wife and she loves me, unfortunately we are not perfect and can't tell each other everything at times. My wife talks to many people and may disclose more than she would to me at times. So what????? She loves me, is married to me and we get along the vast majority of time.

Heck on top of all you have a happy life for the most part, a loving husband and are seeing a MC. What else can he do? So he talks to a woman.


You obviously have never been on the receiving end of your spouse having an EA. It sounds like you're doing a great job of being setup for it though. EAs tend to be very sexual. There is just no physical contact.

When my wife had her EA she ignored myself and the children so she could be online with the OM. Besides all of the lying and and sending him pictures of herself she made her emotional attachment to him. She even told him she wasn't sure she wanted me anymore because she had fallen for him. It destroyed the trust in the relationship, and I'm certain weakened our bond. There's no doubt in my mind it would have been a PA if they were able to get together. If she had a ONS and confessed it after it would have been easier to take.

In the end the issue isn't sex. It's the betrayal and the placing of someone else in a place of higher importance. I hope you are able to continue in your ignorance.
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Old 11-26-2012, 08:38 AM   #12 (permalink)
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You obviously have never been on the receiving end of your spouse having an EA. It sounds like you're doing a great job of being setup for it though. EAs tend to be very sexual. There is just no physical contact.

When my wife had her EA she ignored myself and the children so she could be online with the OM. Besides all of the lying and and sending him pictures of herself she made her emotional attachment to him. She even told him she wasn't sure she wanted me anymore because she had fallen for him. It destroyed the trust in the relationship, and I'm certain weakened our bond. There's no doubt in my mind it would have been a PA if they were able to get together. If she had a ONS and confessed it after it would have been easier to take.

In the end the issue isn't sex. It's the betrayal and the placing of someone else in a place of higher importance. I hope you are able to continue in your ignorance.
Again that crossed the line..... My apologies. She took away from the family to be online, she questioned her marriage (which we all do so that's not the issue) to be with the OM. Were the pictures sexual or no more then those on a FB page?

Again with EA's, I only can say I agree it can be difficult to say when it crosses the line, however here on TAM it seems any conversation with a person of the opposite sex is an EA.

In this thread I am saying again that the OP seems to be projecting what those on TAM tell them to.
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Old 11-26-2012, 08:38 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Ive never been divorced once but thats what Ive heard from others.
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Old 11-26-2012, 09:24 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Again that crossed the line..... My apologies. She took away from the family to be online, she questioned her marriage (which we all do so that's not the issue) to be with the OM. Were the pictures sexual or no more then those on a FB page?

Again with EA's, I only can say I agree it can be difficult to say when it crosses the line, however here on TAM it seems any conversation with a person of the opposite sex is an EA.

In this thread I am saying again that the OP seems to be projecting what those on TAM tell them to.
I don't think any reasonable person would be upset by normal pictures. She sent nudes and normal.

The normal pictures didn't bother me with the excepotion of pictures she asked me to take that I later learned were just for him.

I think the issue is not that every friendship is an EA, but the potential for an EA comes out of these friendships.
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Old 11-26-2012, 09:49 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I don't think any reasonable person would be upset by normal pictures. She sent nudes and normal.

The normal pictures didn't bother me with the excepotion of pictures she asked me to take that I later learned were just for him.

I think the issue is not that every friendship is an EA, but the potential for an EA comes out of these friendships.
Again my apologies and I hope you are doing well. The line was crossed no doubt. However I stand by what I say and do think in many cases advise on TAM (CWI) in response to EA's is extreme.

As per this thread and the OP, there was no EA on the husband's side and he scaled it back s soon as he realized the OW crossed the line.
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